wishing_on_a_star - Stupid Me

(Requested: 11.2.14, Finished: 7.21.15)

*****Reviewer’s Note: Hiya, wishing_on_a_star! Thank you so much for requesting again! Please let me apologize for the long wait (eight months, yikes!) because I understand that as a reviewer, I should be more prompt with my reviews. There’s no point in calling this a review shop when the reviewer is taking her sweet time, is there? Anyway, as always, I hope that you find this review to your liking! I did my best to notice anything and everything I could. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to comment below. :)*****

FIRST IMPRESSIONS – I have a great feeling that I’m going to like this story. Not only because of your attractive title, simple foreword, and gorgeous poster (seriously, where do you find these high-quality poster designers?), but because I have already read one of your works. Call me biased, but I simply can’t wait to read another story of yours. I really shouldn’t do this as a reviewer, but I might compare this story to “Like You” for the mere reason of being a huge fan of your writing style. XD

Fangirling aside, I won’t hesitate to say that I like this foreword almost as much as the foreword for “Like You.” Your title is very cute and expressive; it sets your readers up for a kind of quirky and fun story. Your poster (although not readily present on your page) is pleasing to the eye, with hues of violet, lavender, and indigo. The poster designer did a great job in choosing the right pictures and colors to demonstrate the romantic notions within the story. Your logline suggests a strong protagonist who will have to face her own demons (in terms of the guy she likes) sooner or later, and I’m anxious to find out how.

But, of course, it is natural for me to question what the story is truly about. That is the difficult thing about simple forewords; sometimes, it doesn’t provide you with enough. I understand that this is going to be a multi-chaptered romance story featuring an original character and three Got7 members, but I’m an extremely curious and observant person. I want to know more, even if it’s just a little bit, about each character. I want to have a clue of what I’m getting myself into, and therefore, when I subscribe, I will know that it’s worth the subscription. The foreword is equivalent to an introduction to an essay; it gives readers a preview of what’s to come. And as a reader, a proper preview is what I look for most in forewords.

Granted, all authors format their forewords differently. My forewords are the complete opposite of yours. I experiment now and then with the format, but the content is essentially the same. I try to add everything that I believe will attract readers. The title, tags, poster, logline, plot summary, character description, and plagiarism warning are all vital parts of my forewords. As an author, I want to cover all avenues so that readers aren’t thrown into chaos when they begin reading the story. Truthfully, I quite like your foreword the way it is; it’s palatable and intriguing. It’s short enough to attract readers and long enough to keep them interested.

As such, I am very interested in your story, and I can’t wait to read it! My first impression is definitely a positive one. :D

TITLE – Before I give my thoughts on your current title, I have a question about your previous one. Or rather, the one that is on your poster. Why was the title on the poster “Right Here”? If that was the previous title for your story, why did you change it? I personally thought that “Right Here” would be a great title for your story because, according to inferences made on your logline alone, your protagonist seems like a steadfast sort of character. She is still “right there” for the guy she likes, despite the fact that he used her to get back with his ex. Then again, the decision to change or alter your title is yours alone. I’m simply curious about why you did (or did not, if that’s not your previous title).

At first, I thought that your title was cute. “Stupid Me” is a term that most Americans use to express disappointment or disbelief in either a self-deprecating or self-chiding moment. Let me elaborate. The word “stupid” in this phrase is not necessarily derogatory (which means it can be used lightly), and it is often relative. It is not used to condemn, but rather, to reflect. It is playful, almost as a sort of self-reflective joke that we use to lighten to mood of the situations we are in. However, looking at your poster and logline, it seems like “stupid me” will be used quite differently.

That is when I began to think deeply about your title. Based on your logline and your poster, there seems to be a hint of drama in your story, which could mean that your title could be read as a bit more serious. Your protagonist could be using this term as self-deprecating. She may feel stupid because she is allowing herself to be used by the guy she likes (if that is the case). Such a situation would be a conflict of interest for her.

I like your title. It’s short and sweet, yet it delivers a double impact. That of comedy and drama. But, truthfully, if “Right Here” was your former title, I would have preferred it over “Stupid Me,” since it would immediately set the tone of your story. Readers wouldn’t be left guessing what sort of theme your title is trying to convey. That is my personal opinion, so feel free to comment on this if you wish. ^^

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION – The first thing (in fact, the only thing) that grabbed my attention about your foreword was your logline. It is brilliant. There are many things I can gather from those three sentences alone. If read sincerely, the logline can tell me all that I need to know. For instance, the first sentence, “He made me his puppet so he could get his ex back,” indicates that the speaker is female (or male, but likely, female) and that she seems bitter about being used, perhaps even abused, by a male for the reason of “getting back” his former girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. Given the fact that the male in question is from Got7, it is likely that the “ex” is a former girlfriend. They aren’t necessarily of age to marry, haha.

“It hurts, but I can't afford to seem weak,” further indicates that she is definitely hurt, however she will not be weak. She has a strong, steadfast spirit that will get her through this situation. I can assume that she may like him, or may be in love with him, but his restraints on her keeps her from having a relationship with him. Also, any sane woman would be upset if the man she likes is using her to get back with his ex-whatever. XD

“Not now, not to him,” is, perhaps, the most thought-provoking line. Here, I can guess that she is resolved in her strength. She refuses to be overcome, to be weak, especially in front of said male. Yet, the way she phrases this final sentence suggests that she is vulnerable. She is capable of being weak, even though she insists on being strong. The sentence alone contains a mixture of emotions, the first of which is defiance. Weakness is probably a source of annoyance for her. She wants to be strong, but the situation with said male weakens her. This sentence is intriguing and it leaves me wanting more.

What I’m trying to say here is that your logline is powerful. Technically, if it’s this powerful, then I don’t need a list of characters. I am mesmerized enough to read on.

However, there is still a dire need for more. Think of the readers on AFF. Most of them are brand new and are looking for a good story, or any story, to read. As I suggested on other reviews, it would be nice to have more. A character description would help or even a summary of your plot. I understand that some authors don’t want to “give away” or “spoil” their stories. I spoil my stories all the time, but I’m slowly realizing what a stupid idea that is. Some readers don’t want to be handed plotlines or character personalities on a silver plate. It the initial charms from the story. Stupid me.

But, please keep this in mind because you aren’t writing for a specific audience. Or maybe that’s just me assuming things. Whatever the case, it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more descriptive. Some readers may even be reading your fanfic as their first. Would your current foreword reel them in or drive them away? Is it too little? Maybe. Is it effective? Of course, it is. But, is it attractive to a brand new audience? Maybe not. Just food for thought. Chew on it for a bit.

Veteran readers, on the other hand, may be content with what you have. I don’t doubt this because I’m already interested in your story without having to read a whole page of character descriptions. But, thinking from the perspective of a brand new reader on AFF, or even just fanfiction in general, it’s good to reevaluate your foreword. This is especially important for chaptered stories, not so much one-shots. :)

Also, I regret to inform you that the foreword feels a bit empty without the poster. Your poster is absolutely gorgeous, so why hide it? I know that it doesn’t have the same title, but it would look even better on the foreword. Look at me, nagging at you. I apologize. ^^

As always, you are free to take or leave my suggestions at your leisure. I give suggestions for the pure reason of giving. I’m such a kind soul, haha. 

Now, onwards and upwards!

PLOT – The biggest question that one needs to ask him or herself before publishing a story is, “Will people like it?” Specifically, this question is evaluating the worth of said story. “Is it worth reading? Are there enough original elements in the story (that I myself have written) to call it my own? If so, what makes my story different from the rest? Why does my story deserve to be read by other people, of whom I may never meet or know personally?”

Think about it. The stories that are on AFF are for the public to read, which means that there will be tens, hundreds, or maybe even thousands out there who will view and/or read your story. The aforementioned questions are vital to ask because they help you make sure that the decision of posting or publishing a story on AFF is the right decision. Your plot is, and will always be, the main thing to consider while making this decision.

Now, what I am about to say is not aimed to offend you, but I know it might. Please keep in mind that this is my personal opinion and mine alone.

I’m going to be very honest here: there are a lot of plot-holes for you to fill. You may need to take a step back from updating to tighten things up because your plot is extremely loose right now. Because of the pacing of your chapters (I will explain this more in the Style/Diction section), your plot seems inconsistent and, at times, rushed. I know that it takes a lot of effort and planning to get to even ten chapters, but so far, I have to say that your plot doesn’t seem as developed as it should be by the 11^th chapter. Let me rephrase. The pacing in your chapters puts a leash on your plot. The story leaps from plot point to plot point without any explanation at all and the lack of explanation makes it hard to get invested in your story. Thus, while the pacing of your chapters is quick, the plot takes too long to develop within, I’m assuming, a quick timeframe.

I don’t believe that there is a “quick-fix” for this, but there are definitely ways for you to take a step back and reevaluate your story. I will point out a few plot points that need reconsideration. These are the plot points that confused me the most, making me wonder, “Why do they need to be here?” I’m pointing them out because they don’t seem to mesh well with the other elements in your story.

1. Yura’s confession to Bam Bam. I thought, as a reader, that it happened way too suddenly. In the second chapter, I expected Yura to remain a bit more composed, in other words, not so impulsive. It is her job as a fake girlfriend, after all, to make Jungeun jealous, but how can she do that with Bam Bam knowing her true intentions? I was surprised, yes, and I’m sure that you intended to surprise your audience with this scene. However, instead of being content and moving on, I ended up questioning the believability of your story. No man would continue to use his best friend as a fake girlfriend after he finds out that she likes him, no matter if he loves his ex or not. It demoralizes him as a man and a human. As such, this should have demoralized Bam Bam and his friendship with Yura, but he continues to “use her” and “be her friend” despite her confession. This plot point is awkwardly timed and placed, and that is why I believe it needs reconsideration.   
2. The fight between Yugyeom and Yura. For the last seven or so chapters, this goes on. And on. And on. There are some stories in which this works; unfortunately, it does not in this one. The fight between the two best friends have become so monumental that it makes no sense as to why they are still friends. It began with an extremely superficial argument about why Yura is still in love with Bam Bam, despite being hurt by him over and over again, but neither Yura nor Yugyeom seem open to reconciliation. Yura still loves Bam Bam for no apparent reason and Yugyeom is still angry with her (rightfully so, I might add) because of that. Nothing gets resolved and my frustration is due to this lack of resolution. How long can this argument last? Has Yugyeom mentioned this problem to her before? If he had, then why is he getting angry now? Why is this discord between the two triggered at such an untimely point in their friendship? It is troublesome and baffling, which is not a great combination for your readers.
3. Jaebum’s sudden involvement with Yura. I am not sure how this happened, but it definitely threw me off track. Instead of closing up loose ends between Yura and her two best friends, the plot is thrown into further chaos when Jaebum decides to get involved with Yura. For the exact same reason Bam Bam did! This repetition of action proves that Yura is indeed hopeless in her situations with boys. Eventually, and I’m saying this mainly because the plot is progressing in this way, Yura will fall for Jaebum, or perhaps he will fall for her. Whatever happens, this situation between Yura and Jaebum will result in more complications. There has to be certain times in which plot points are resolved. Please reconsider this for the sake of progression for your story. 

I apologize if it seems as though I am scolding you for your plot. In a way, I am. You are capable of creating a much more developed storyline. How do I know this? I read “Like Me.” I am familiar with your writing style enough to know that this isn’t your best. And I wish that after reading this review, you will exhibit your best effort for the rest of your story and future stories to come.

Now, I have a few suggestions that may (or may not) help iron out all the details that you need in your story in terms of plot, setting, characterization, and narrative. These have helped me tighten my plots in areas that were extremely loose. In fact, it has taken me four years to finish my first AFF story because I’m too busy editing it. I still have ten chapters to go. >.<  

1. Add an exposition to your prologue. Most discrepancies in your plot are in great need of explanation. Expositions aim to do just that. They not only introduce characters, but they also provide extra support for your prologue. Things that I thought were inconsistent, like Yura’s confession to Bam Bam and Jaebum’s sudden involvement with Yura, would have made more sense if there was an exposition explaining the connection between Bam Bam, Yura, Jaebum, and Jungeun. Also, it would let readers know why Bam Bam is still utterly in love with Jungeun and why Yura is still in love with Bam Bam. Loving someone needs some sort of background information. An exposition can help with that.
2. List reasons why certain plot points need to happen and think about whether or not they make sense in the fictional world you created. This helps more with plot organization and authorial intent than anything else. While listing these things, you are keeping a tangible record of what you have written and what you will write in the future. Also, this helps connect future chapters with the current point in the story. There were times when I had to reread previous chapters because I needed to refresh my memory. Rationality and logic in the fictional realm is just as important as in reality. I highly suggest this for your story.
3. Instead of beginning a chapter with dialogue, begin with a description of a time and place, so that readers are prepared for whatever scene is next. Your story has a lot of dialogue and while this is good and creative, it gets redundant. It forces your chapters to lack something, which is often a sense of time and location. This is important because you may confuse readers without those indications. Also, it would be a nice change from dialogical redundancy.
4. Instead of spontaneity (which I noticed is a reoccurring habit in most of your chapters), think of “planned surprises,” one that you know your readers will appreciate. This is somewhat similar to #2, but what makes this different is that you’re planning ahead. Who knows your story better than you do? And who knows your readers better than you do? Think about that for a minute. If your readers contact you (via comments) on a daily basis, then you should be able to gauge how invested they are in your story. Based on this gauge, you should be able to “plan chapters” ahead, chapters that your readers will more than likely appreciate. As a reader, I love stories that have calculated cliffhangers at the right moments. It shows that the Authors are aware of their readers and will do whatever they (legally) can to keep their readers interested. “Planned surprises” offer something to your audience, and it is a reason to read on. Also, it shows how much you care for your readers. I believe that this will help improve your story a lot.

Despite all of these things that I have mentioned, there are some qualities in your plot that I appreciated.

1. Since there are only 11 chapters, there is still room for the story and characters to develop. There is really no need to worry, especially when you plan to write more than 20 chapters. You have time and space to improve the pace and originality of your plot. The more chapters you have, the more room you give your characters to develop and grow. Also, with only 11 chapters, it is easier to revise the story at that point rather than later, when you have reached 50-60 chapters. It’s a great place for improvement and development.
2. All of the events in the story are triggering some sort of psychological change for Yura. She is getting stronger with each chapter, if not gradually. What I like is that although the pacing of the chapters are very quick, this allows Yura to gain strength and independence quickly as well. This can hinder your plot, but so far, it has worked for Yura’s character.
3. Jimin and Yerin’s constant concern for Yura and Yugyeom suggests that there is something the two best friends that everyone (not just Jimin and Yerin, but everyone else as well) wants to happen. I’m not sure if this is a part of your plans, but I personally ship Yura and Yugyeom. Therefore, reading about Jimin and Yerin’s concerns were very heartwarming. They definitely care for Yura and Yugyeom’s welfares. I just thought that it was interesting how their concerns are always for Yura and Yugyeom as a pair, not apart. For some reason, it reminded me that Yura’s everyday life doesn’t need to be filled with heartache and pain. Their interjections work to show a different perspective in the story.

I am terribly sorry for this critical section. I don’t mean to degrade your plot, but I wanted to give as much constructive criticism as possible. In fact, since it took me such a long time to finish this section, I kept pushing back the “finish” date for this. I wanted to make sure that I gave you a thorough review, not one in which I would half-heartedly say, “Yeah, you need to fix this, this, and this.” There are great and not-so-great parts in your plot that need to be pointed out. You are free to comment on this section in the comments below or via personal message.

CHARACTERIZATION – Yura is a very frustrating character in a sense that she cares way too much about someone who doesn’t reciprocate such care back to her. Truthfully, because of her love for Bam Bam, she is the most insufferable character in your story. Characters like her need time to grow and while she is growing in your story, I don’t think she’s growing in the right way and this bothers me. Forgive me for saying this, but I have never understood why girls mope the way they do. Of course, who am I to say this, when I have had a crush on the same guy for nine years? However, it makes no sense that after all he has done to her (none of which are bad things, just negligent and ignorant things), Yura still loves him. This alone defies the innate logic that all women should have. I understand that women sometimes become fools for love, but Yura doesn’t need to be that way. It spells out that she is weak and maybe… I just refuse to believe that she is weak. There has to be something redeemable about her; she is your protagonist, after all. I’m sorry, but I can’t understand why she is still in love with Bam Bam and until I do, I’m going to have this bias against her.

I do have to say one thing, though; she has major guts. Yes, she may be a coward for hiding her feelings for so long and for running to Jaebum for comfort. She may be a coward for shrinking behind Yugyeom whenever she faces problems with Bam Bam. She may even be a coward for becoming a fake girlfriend for both Bam Bam and Jaebum. Yet, through all of that, she endures everything. Perhaps this is her redeemable quality, that while she is breaking on the inside, she has the strength to think of alternatives to her situation. Her alternatives are often similar, but they are alternatives, nonetheless. Granted, if she hadn’t told Bam Bam her true feelings for him, she would not be in the mess she is currently in, but I digress. She is naïve, grouchy, and above all else, depressing, but she has the greatest potential (out of all the characters, at least) to change. Her personality is like a seesaw. She is not bipolar, but if nurtured right, she could change for the better. And stay that way. In a sense, her “relationship” with Jaebum attributes to that. So, perhaps her character isn’t so bad, after all. 

Bam Bam is a big, big fool. I don’t want to say more about him, but I need to or else my disdain for his character might fester and we don’t want that to happen. I say this because he, more or less, represents how women view the male population. What? Yes, I said it. Admit it; we view men as fools. They are so narrow-minded that they think of eating, drinking, sleeping, dating, and little else. They care about who they want to care about and leave the rest to the responsibilities of others. Bam Bam chose Yura, one of his best friends, to be his fake girlfriend because…? He thought it was fun? No, because he wanted to get back with his ex. Although the plan worked, that doesn’t deviate from the fact that he is oblivious about Yura’s feelings for him. And when he figures this out, he continues to act the same around her, as if everything is hunky-dory. (Excuse the language here; foolish characters deserve foolish descriptions.)

Now, this is not to say that I don’t like the functionality of his character. His stupidity (not intelligence-wise, but you know what I mean) works for your story. It is because of this that Yura begins to realize that she needs to change. Whether for him or herself, she realizes that staying the way she is will get her nowhere. In a way, Bam Bam is like a foil character for Yura. A foil is a character that serves to highlight one or more attributes of another character, often the protagonist, which in this case is Yura. Her true nature (one that is a bit impulsive, yet still sensitive to whatever is happening around her) isn’t unlocked until Bam Bam figures out her feelings for him. His foolishness is directly challenged by her sincerity, if that makes any sense. That is what makes Bam Bam’s character work for your story. He is needed to provide change in Yura’s character.

Yugyeom is a very interesting character. Although I mentioned earlier that I didn’t like the ongoing fight between him and Yura, I like his character for who he is. He is real with Yura. Even during this fight, he is showing his true feelings. He is hurt that Yura would continue to vie for Bam Bam’s attention, despite being rejected (either verbally or emotionally) over and over again. He reaches out for her whenever she runs to him, but he also knows when to draw the line. I didn’t like where he drew the line, but it makes sense for his character to do so. Every character has a limit to his or her hospitality and Yugyeom isn’t exempt from this. Do you know the term, “Second Lead Syndrome”? It is a term used in Korean dramas where the second lead male is often favored over the lead male for gaining the affections of the lead female. Examples of this are Jihoo from Boys Over Flowers, Chilbong from Reply 1994, Youngdo from Heirs, and Shinwoo from You’re Beautiful. I have a serious bout of this syndrome for every single drama that I watch. Well, for dramas in which the second lead male is closer to my ideal type. Perhaps this is why I ship Double Yu so much. Yugyeom may not be actively participating in the race to Yura’s heart (yet), but he is still a very viable candidate for her love. He is, by far, my favorite character in your story.     

Compared to “Like Me,” Jaebum is a bit of a cold-hearted realist here. I don’t like this about him, but who needs to when his character works just fine in this story? He does have extreme observations at times, like when he tries to convince Yura that love changed his way of thinking into that of a monster, but it is through his perspective that she finally begins to shed her innocent and naïve image. He has a strange sort of synchronization with Yura that is amusing to read about. With her, he becomes wild and free. He abandons his worries with Jungeun and focuses on Yura’s wants and needs. He is, essentially, the perfect boyfriend. It is likely that this is all a ruse to get Jungeun back, but for the time being, he is who Yura needs in her life. With Bam Bam distracted by Jungeun and Yugyeom ignoring her, Yura has no one to turn to. The fact that Jaebum makes himself available for her is… nice. Their “relationship” (more of a “some-ship,” if you know what I mean) makes the story really worth reading. I’m looking forward to seeing how their “some-ship” will progress.

In a word, Jungeun is needy. She is so needy that she brings down two boys with her, almost simultaneously. I have no sympathy for her character. I’m not sure why girls like her exist, really. Do they exist to destroy the lives of normal girls? Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that they do. I have little to no hope for this girl and I doubt that she will ever change. If her character manages to change by the end of the story, I probably won’t believe it. Excuse me when I say this, but I hope she remains where she is for the sake of allowing Yura to grow. If she continues to dabble with the men in Yura’s life, I will probably go insane with irritation.

Jimin and Yerin are the perfect pair of friends, and that is their greatest flaw. They are always concerned about Yura and Yugyeom, but little else apart from them. Because of this, their individual characters seem a little dry and, as I have mentioned in other reviews, faceless. There is little described about Jimin and Yerin. All we know is that they are rarely seen apart, but when they are, Yerin often appears with Yugyeom. This seems a little suspicious to me, mainly because I am under the assumption that Yugyeom harbors “some” feelings for Yura. If that is the case, then the situation is further complicated with the involvement of another woman, no matter if she is a good friend or not. Although Yerin is very attentive and kind, stock personality traits in stock “friendly” characters, I can’t seem to get invested in her character or Jimin’s character. They are a bit… bland? That’s not the right word. They seem a bit insignificant. This is my personal preference, but I would like to see more of their interactions with Double Yu. I want to see their characters develop in this story as well.

Much like Jimin and Yerin, Got7 are faceless, which is ironic given the fact that we both know how this adorable group of guys look like. I would like to see more of their characters interact with each other and with Yura. She needs positive people in her life, for goodness sakes. She is already going through hell because of Bam Bam. Perhaps the boys can serve as catalysts to her personality change. That would be interesting to read. ^^

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE FLOW – Keep in mind that your plot and character development take precedence over grammar in not only this story, but your other stories as well. Grammar should never be the most important aspect of your story. The sole purpose of grammar is to tell a story clearly and effectively, so that it leaves an impact on the audience. Thus, when I say that plot and character development is more important than grammar at this point in your story, I hope that I don’t offend you.

Now that I think about it, the grammar here is not horrible. There are no particular sections that need highlighting because the sentences flow fairly well. Your Prologue is a great example of this. However, there is something that you need to remember, though, and it is your verb tenses. In terms of narrative timing in your story, it is extremely important to choose a verb tense and stick to it. Will you be writing from a present tense perspective, as if things are happening at that moment? Or past tense, where the narrator is narrating from a present-day self about the past? You switch very often between past and present and this will, more likely than not, confuse readers. Why? Because they will be torn between events happening in the past and/or present.

I personally suggest settling with past tense because it is much more flexible than present tense. Logically, since the past has already happened, writers are free to move backward or forward in time upon their leisure. That is what makes past tense the easiest tense to write in. Also, all of its verbs are active, which are essential components in compelling narratives. Moreover, I want to add that the thesaurus is your best friend. Really, it is. Word choices can either make or break sentences, which in turn, can strengthen or weaken your narrative. We want to avoid a weakened narrative. A thesaurus can help with that.

Finally, you need to be aware of the redundancy in your dialogue. For example, you tend to use the phrases, “I love you/her/him,” very liberally. The phrase loses its effect after a while. We both know how important that phrase is, especially in any sort of fictional romances. Within a single conversation alone, Yura mentions the word, “love,” five times without batting an eye. This is why I believe that the argument between Yugyeom and Yura seems to be going on for longer than usual. Whenever they see each other, it is the same sentences, the same arguments that come out of their mouths. Such redundancy can be detrimental to your story as a whole, so please watch out for that.

STYLE/DICTION – This is the most important part of any story; in fact, I think that this is the most important part of any creative work. Your voice and the style of your writing is as much a characteristic of your story as the plot, settings, and characters. Can your voice be heard? Is this narrative truly your own? Unfortunately, I cannot say with confidence that your voice can be heard in this story. At least, not in the same way as “Like You.” I believe that the pacing of your chapters have something to do with that. I wanted so much to fall in love with your writing again, but I think that since your chapters zip by, I found myself being swept away without any knowledge of how to swim neither with nor against the current.

I do appreciate, though, is that your clipped sentences and creative dialogue are present in this story. Those aspects are completely characteristic of your writing, which made the reading experience a bit nostalgic for me. :D

OVERALL IMPRESSION – My overall impression of the story is, I am sorry to say, a bit disappointing. Of course, you have many readers who think and will think differently than I do. There is no need for you to take my suggestions simply because I give them to you. Your main goal should always be to write for yourself and I hope that my criticisms don’t hinder you from doing so. I believe that it is best to evaluate your story to see if it is truly ready for publication at this time. I am confident that a revision or revamp of your story will strengthen rather than weaken it. Why? Because you are reinvesting yourself into the story; this is enough to think things over and make judgments on what to keep, add on, or take away.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS – I apologize for the extremely long wait! As you can see, it took me much longer than usual to read and review your story not only because I was on hiatus, but because I wanted to give you a review worth reading. I understand most of the content in here is negative. I do not mind if you want to curse me for such a critical review. I am certainly deserving of it because of the long wait, anyway. I hope that you can forgive me for this sometime in the future… Nevertheless, I wish you the best in this story and future stories to come! And don’t be afraid to comment (complain?) in the comments below!