wishing_on_a_star - Like You

(Requested: 9.25.14, Finished: 9.30.14)

*****Reviewer's Note: Welcome, wishing_on_a_star! Thank you so much for subscribing and requesting at this very plain and simple shop! I hope that my review is helpful to your writing, at least in terms of your future fanfics! :) Also, I'm sorry for the long wait...Life really got in the way of your review. :(*****

FIRST IMPRESSIONS - Let me say, first and foremost, that I love your poster! I give props to the shop who made this poster because I am thoroughly impressed. ^^ It was the first thing that caught my eye, other than your title, of course. I'm a er for posters that have attractive fonts... and attractive people, too. XD The layout of your foreword is pretty simple: Title, Poster, a quote, and a short message for your readers. I agree that all this is essential for a oneshot, however I will just suggest something (even though you are finished with your story already). Indicate that your story is a oneshot. That is what your tag area is for, though I am assuming that you know this already. It's just common courtesy to inform your readers what type of story it is. ^^ So far, I am very interested because you provide a mystery for me to solve. My biggest question that I want answered is, "How is the quote relevant to your story?" Hopefully, your story will answer that when I begin reading. :D

TITLE - Truthfully, and this is solely my opinion, your title is quite generic. It isn't bad, just generic. It doesn't need to have some philosophical meaning behind it, but it needs to carry some weight with it. Perhaps your story isn't meant to be heavy, but you have to show your readers why it is important. Basically, you need to convince them that your story is worth reading for ten to fifteen minutes. Having a title that conveys this importance and worth not only shows that you care about your story, but also your readers. You want them to get invested and be enlightened by what you present to them. A good title will lead them there. Despite this observation,  I did, however, notice the ambiguity of your title. It could either mean "Like You" ("I like you", a confession) or "Like You" (alike, the same or similar) and I'm pretty sure that the oneshot will fulfill both meanings, am I right? Perhaps your title is appropriate, after all. XD

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION - As a reader, I prefer simple Forewords. Perhaps you could have added more, such as a description of your characters, but you chose to keep it simple. I rather like this decision because I like trying to figure what your story could be about. But, others may not, especially when it is a oneshot. There are millions of oneshots out there, so why do they need to read yours? What is so special about the story? As I mentioned earlier, you need to convince them that your story is worth reading. Adding a summary and perhaps a short description of your characters may help. And in response to your message in the Foreword, I think it would be great to compile all your oneshots into a portfolio. It would help to display your talents in oneshot-writing. ^^

PLOT - It is interesting how you took something as simple as a confession, or the lack thereof, and turned it into a dramatic narrative. The fact that JB is yearning for this girl, but decides to give up on her for the sake of his friendship is great. The inner conflict is there. The emotions are real. The situation is dire. Yet, something is missing; it is a REASON. Why does he love her? Did she do something for, to, or with him to make him feel this way? Why does he ultimately choose his friendship over his first love when love usually prevails? Perhaps you aimed to tell a tale of the raw emotions of unrequited love, but all things have a reason for BEING, for EXISTING. Now, don't get me wrong. I liked your story, it was so beautifully written. I felt the same lovesickness and hopelessness that JB felt. And I was right about the title. :)

I'm just a bit unsatisfied because a lot of questions were left unanswered. I want to know JB's history with his first love. I want to know why she chose Youngjae instead of him. I want to know why he didn't confess to her the first time. I want to know why no one else knows about his feelings except for him. Then again, this wouldn't be a oneshot if you were to put all those details in the story, but at least readers will be left without questions. The plot is great, but it could be better with at least a hint of those details through symbols, a single word/phrase, a described look, etc.  

CHARACTERIZATION - I love the fact that JB is torn over his love for Youngjae's Girlfriend and his best friend. As I mentioned, love usually prevails, but in this case, JB has to decide which love prevails. A lot of fanfics tend to gloss over the fact a love for a best friend is still love, but I'm glad that your story is about that single choice. The image I get of JB is a pair of eyes. He can see, but never touch. He can observe everything that is happening around him, especially Jinyoung's confusion at his actions, Youngjae's hesitance at interacting with him, and his first love's frustration at his indifference, but he can't really do anything about his observations. I can't help, but feel sympathy and empathy for his character. I'm sure that your readers feel the same way. His interactions with Jinyoung are just distractions from the real problem at hand. He wrestles with what's important in his life, on who he should prioritize. I guess what I'm trying to say is that his character is very real and very believable. And it is hard for an author to create such a character, so props to you for creating one. :)

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm disappointed in Youngjae's Girlfriend. Just to let you know, this is my own personal opinion: I don't like girls like her. How can she not see that JB is in love with her? Must a guy confess to her, actually tell her that he likes her, in order for her to see such devotion and love? Even I know when someone likes me (which is not very often, haha) and I'm kind of dense when it comes to that sort of stuff. What I do like, though, is that you kept her nameless and faceless. This allows readers to focus on JB's decision instead of how she influences him to make a decision. Let me clarify. Having her nameless and faceless, as an object or a prize to be won, leaves readers to empathize with JB. Instead of personifying her, you objectified her, putting her on a pedestal for JB to worship. In real life, it would seem like an easy decision to make; boys would choose the first love in a heartbeat. However, the way you wrote her character made it harder for JB to decide. She is someone who he cannot fathom being with and the fact that she is faceless says a whole lot about how he sees her. I still don't like her, but I appreciate her role in the story. Excuse me for the harsh words at the beginning of this paragraph. >.<

Jinyoung seems to be that character who is there to move the story along. The one who pops in to say a few words (words that are somewhat irrelevant to the story), then disappears after his part is done... I'm sure that he's there to counterbalance the drama that is happening between JB, Youngjae, and his Girlfriend, but that's all he is. He's the counterbalance. But, that is the exact reason why I like him. He provides the insight into JB's daily life that we would not see otherwise. His interactions with Youngjae and his first love are too unnatural for readers to see how JB is like in reality. So, I guess using Jinyoung as a vessel isn't bad at all. :)

Just like his Girlfriend, Youngjae is faceless. He seems quite dry as a character as compared to JB. Perhaps that was your intention? To show that JB is the "better" option, the guy who readers should sympathize with? If it was, it worked. A character that has more depth and growth will naturally garner some sympathy. I just think you could have breathed more life into Youngjae's character. Why does he have the girl's heart when he himself seems dreary in comparison to JB? Why does JB want to save his friendship with Youngjae? Even though nothing is said explicitly about a character, a lot of things can be implied. Perhaps Youngjae was "handsomer" in her eyes. Or maybe he was brave enough to confess to her and that swayed her heart. Readers don't know these things, but you do. Let them in on the secret, too. ^^

Since JB is the main character and the plot is centered mostly on him, I can't say if all of your characters have chemistry. I do see chemistry between JB and Jinyoung, to the point where I believed them to be best friends instead of JB and Youngjae. But, I guess that shows the disconnect beween the best friends more. As a reader, I would like to see more of Youngjae and his girlfriend's perspectives on the situation. Of course, all this is up to you as an author. These are just my opinions. :)

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE FLOW - I am actually quite impressed with your grammar. Not because you use a bunch of complex terms, but because you have a certain style to writing your sentences. I will add more about your Style in the next section. Since you have a lot of simple sentences, you don't have a lot of grammar mistakes. That's fine in my book, haha. However, there are some sections that you have to keep in mind.

For instance, when you have a dialogue between two characters, especially ones between JB and Jinyoung, you have such a long list of dialogue, that it was a little hard to keep track of who spoke at one time. I had to read both dialogues between JB and Jinyoung twice to figure out who said what. Believe it or not, you can actually add more character depth in those areas. Here is an example:

"And how will I sleep?"

"Hide your face behind a book and sleep. Works every time,"

"Why do I get this feeling that you're always sleeping in class?"

"Because you're right. I do sleep in class,"

"And you don't get caught?"

"Not once,"

"Wow,"

"Awesome, right?"

"I should tell on you,"

"No!"

"After all, you're not supposed to sleep in class,"

"Don't tell ssem!"

"Why not?"

"I'll do anything you want!"

Anything?

"Anything?"

"Yes!"

"Fine. Don't you dare talk about YoungJae's girlfriend in front of me,"

"Why?"

"Don't ask why. Just do it. Or I'll tell ssem,"

"Aish... Fine, I won't talk about her,"

*You begin this section with JB speaking after a thought (Seriously...) in response to Jinyoung's previous question. You lost me after five lines or so, so I had to keep a mental note who spoke where. You don't want your readers to get lost in the dialogue that they have to back-track just to separate the two voices. So, to fix this, all you need is a few markers. Also, you have a few conventional mistakes, such as commas where there should be periods or other sort of conventional marks. Here is what I suggest (feel free to take these suggestions as you see fit):

*Suggestions/Corrections

*JB rolled his eyes at Jinyoung. "And how will I sleep?"

"Hide your face behind a book and sleep. Works every time."

"Why do I get this feeling that you're always sleeping in class?"

*Jinyoung shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Because you're right. I do sleep in class."

"And you don't get caught?"

"Not once."

"Wow."

"Awesome, right?"

*JB smirked. "I should tell on you."

"No!"

"After all, you're not supposed to sleep in class."

"Don't tell *Ssaem!"

"Why not?"

"I'll do anything you want!"

*Anything? JB thought as he casted a sideward glance at his classmate (friend?). Her smiling face drifted to the forefront of his thoughts. Surely, Jinyoung wouldn't mind doing this small favor for him.

*"Are you sure that you'll do anything?"

"Yes!"

*"Fine." JB gestured for Jinyoung to lean in. The latter did so, lending an ear towards JB's parted lips. "Don't you dare talk about YoungJae's girlfriend in front of me."

*"Eh???" Jinyoung exclaimed, attracting the attention of passers-by. JB socked him on the shoulder, prompting him to lower his voice to a whisper. "Why?"

"Don't ask why. Just do it. Or I'll tell Ssaem."

"Aish... Fine, I won't talk about her."

As I mentioned, feel free to take these suggestions. You already have a certain style to your writing, so I don't want my suggestion to get in the way of your writing. Other than this, you have a few areas where you could use a thesaurus. For example, you say, "His heart was pounding," a lot. There are other words, like palpitating, throbbing, aching, etc. The active versions of these words are even better: palpitated, throbbed, ached, etc. As I always say, the thesaurus is your best friend. That is, if you know how to use the synonyms. Which I'm sure you do know. ^^

STYLE/DICTION - I don't think I need to say this more than once, but I love your Style! Your simple way of telling things not only provide the basics of your plot, but it gives JB a voice. In a way, your writing is a characteristic of JB. He may seem monotone, but there are so many subtextual content behind his lines. The emotions are locked behind his facade, behind his words, and that provides enough tension to give readers a working story. I'm not sure how you write your other stories, but I really like your Style in this one-shot. :)

OVERALL IMPRESSION - I really enjoyed this one-shot. In fact, it is one of the few one-shot that I became invested in, aside the fact that I'm reviewing it. You need not change your Foreword, though adding more to it would make it better than great. Adding more background information behind the relationship between Youngjae and his Girlfriend would help readers understand JB's inner conflict more, as well as, give insight into the characteristics of Youngjae and his Girlfriend. There are a few grammatical mistakes that can be easily fixed and you can add more to your dialogues. Great characters, great Style, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS - Thank you so much for requesting! I apologize for the late review... But, I hope that this was helpful! If you have any questions or comments, please let me know in the comments and I will reply back as quickly as possible. ^^ Happy writing!