​ScarletBallerina - Deus Ex Machina

(Requested: 9.24.14, Finished: 9.24.14)

*****Reviewer's Note: Hello, ScarletBallerina! Thank you for being the first to subscribe to my shop! I hope that this review is helpful to your writing. :) Oh, and let me just say, "High five!", for using LEO as your male lead! XD*****

FIRST IMPRESSIONS - Skimming over your Foreword, I know that it isn't much to look at, at least, not at first glance. I understand that you just posted this story and perhaps you are waiting for your poster (as I am). A suggestion: While waiting for your poster, putting up an eye-catching image and background that are related to your story will attract readers' attentions. It gives them something to look at, something to ponder about the story. How is that image related to your story? Does it embody the theme of your story? Readers look out for these things because it keeps them interested. What I do like, though, is that you give readers the basic details. And those basic details (with your Author's Note) are enough to provide your readers a mental image for your story. So far, I'm am extremely interested, and I will tell you why in the next few categories.

TITLE - From what I see, you have a knack for titles. I've done some research on your other stories (as you can see, I've subscribed to another) and your titles fully embody the theme of your works. Although I'm trying to be unbiased, I have to say that I love your title, A LOT. I've recently learned this term in Scriptwriting class a week or two ago. "Deus Ex Machina" is a Latin term that means  "god from a machine", though you probably know that already. When used in a formulaic story, it is a device that appears during the Enlightenment stage, which is usually at the beginning of the end of the story. This "enlightenment" (for the protagonist) comes in the form of outside forces, usually ones that seemingly have no relationship to the protagonist. An example of this would be when a protagonist is being beaten by a group of gangsters and right before he gets a baseball bat to the head, his own group of gangsters magically appear and begin beating up the other guys. "Deus Ex Machina" is also known as "the easy way out" of a conflict. Now, I'm sure that wasn't your intention of using that title, haha, but it's a little tidbit to keep in mind. Your title is very appealing because it already forms questions in my head. Who is the god? Who is the machine? Will this be a story about warfare or a love affair? Or perhaps both? I don't think there is much to improve about your title because it is thought-provoking enough to keep. ^^ Thumbs up for a great title!

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION - Now, just to let you know, I'm a very meticulous reader, so whenever I come across a Foreword like yours, I will be expecting some sort of subtextual content to appear. You begin with, "The year is 2055." Immediately, I am flooded by images of war, famine, disease, and restoration, a cycle that most dystopian, futuristic films and stories have. There is nothing wrong with this opening sentence, it just gets redundant at times. Be careful when you give an actual date, day, month, or year because your readers will be expecting you to create a world similar yet different from our own, especially when it is 40 years into the future. Also, they will be looking for cliches, as well as originality. Just keep that in mind. ^^

Another thing to watch out for are terms that are specific to your story. Terms such as "Deus Ex Machina Operating System" (which I find interesting, considering that it spells out DEMOS instead of just DEM >.<), "Weiss frame", "mecha frame", "Byakko 009", and "version 2.0". Some readers will definitely expect you to explain what each of these terms mean and I'm sure you will. I myself am glad that you used these terms because it provides the context of your story. It simply says, "The future isn't all fun and games, guys. It is, in fact, very military-centered and we will have people running around in machines, defending the country." For some reason, it reminds me a lot of "The Edge of Tomorrow" (recent American movie with Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt) and an anime that I do not remember the name of.

The good thing is that you have your basic world established within the first few lines. It shows that you know what you're talking about, that you've done your research, and that you are mindful of your readers. And readers can anticipate the upcoming chapters because you are clear about your story. I personally like your Foreword/Description enough to read on. Also, I appreciate your Author's Note at the end because you give an overview on your OWN thoughts before posting the story, as well as stating what you are influenced by. This helps to avoid plagiarism issues if any are to arise. XD

PLOT - Seeing as to you have only one chapter, I do not have a deep or clear understanding of your plot quite yet. I know that this is a futuristic story. It is a story involving advanced military technology, which will then be used in war. Yet this is, as you have stated in your genre list, a romantic tale. I still have yet to read all aspects of your story, especially the romantic part, so I can't give you full review. Instead, I will tell you my observations of your plot so far.

What I like is that you make this seemingly complicated world very simple for readers to relate to. The fact that this story is set in a military academy (in lieu of South Korea's futuristic society at large) makes it relatable. Albeit, not all of us are elitists who attend military academies, but we all know what it's like to have a Homeroom teacher like Byun Seonsaengnim; she is that one teacher who we dread to face every day. We know what it's like to attend a school that we find somewhat dreary. High school , hands down. Now, put all that dreariness and iness into a world that calls for sophistication and a high understanding of military politics and it's art.

Actually, I do have a question about your setting. What sort of school is the Weiss Academy? Is it for high school aged students? College? When I think of military schools, at least in terms of fiction, I can assume that these students are of high school age... Also, the term "Homeroom teacher" are used solely for high schools to begin with. You need to establish this at least within the first few chapters, preferrably the first, because your readers will question you. I do not doubt that you have everything planned out, but this is really important. Your readers will be confused until you tell them explicitly through descriptions or implicitly through suggestions (mentioning the "Homeroom teacher" is an example). Once your readers roughly know how old your characters are, I think things will be able to pick up from there. 

Although I would like to comment on more, I will stop for now. I will just wait for more chapters on your part. ^^

CHARACTERIZATION - I love how you introduce your protagonist through the eyes of her senior maid because not only does that establish her status (rich enough afford a maid, let alone a SENIOR maid, suggesting that she has several maids already), we are given insights to Haejung that are not through her own perspective. Clearly, Haejung is usually seen as a sophicated and lady-like young woman by society. However, as Senior Maid Jung pointed out, she is quite "free-spirited". She is a normal youth/young adult who is almost always nearly late for class. She has a friend in class of whom she can exchange daily conversations with, despite her high status. She is, I believe, a model student when it comes to practical training. These are all very good points to bring out in a character and the fact that these points are coming from other perspectives make her seem like a well-rounded character.

Now, I do not have a problem with these other perspectives of her, but I think your readers might. Some might even want everything from her point of view. All we know and see so far is what others perceive of her. Through Senior Maid Jung, Byun Seonsaengnim, and Hongbin, we know that she is weak in some things, but makes up for it in other things. She may not be as sophisticated as society views her, but she is extremely lively and lovable. She may not be great with "books" or rather "the manual" in Homeroom, but she is a natural in the machine. I personally want to see things from her perspective. Does she like being at Weiss Academy? How does she interact with other students besides Hongbin? How does she feel about being an heiress? How does she feel being inside the machine? Is that feeling a stark contrast to learning from the manual? I get bits of information from Senior Maid Jung and Hongbin, but what of Haejung?

To eliminate this confusion, perhaps choosing a point of view, POV, to write from would work. I know that you are writing in third person, but to jump from character to character (Senior Maid Jung to Haejung to Hongbin) may be too much for a reader to handle. I'm guilty of this myself. In my first fanfic, I wrote like that, using different POVs to portray a single scene. Some readers complained that it was too much to follow. >.< Thankfully, you are still in the first chapter, so there is time to focus on a character's POV, even if it is in third person.

As of right now, Hongbin's character is kind of "faceless" to me. I know what he looks like (obviously XD), but how he reacts and interacts with things is mentioned very briefly. I want to know how closely he is related to Haejung. Are they simply friends/seat mates or perhaps something more?

The character with the most "flavor" so far is Senior Maid Jung. I love the fact that she has a presence in the story. I see her as a motherly figure or even a grandmotherly figure. She is the first character who is introduced, so I feel a certain affinity towards her. :) From her gentle chiding tone to her patient personality, Senior Maid Jung is very likeable. I'm hoping to see more of her in future chapters.

The character I'm anticipating on seeing is, of course, Leo. I want to see how you portray him. Will he be a new student at the academy? Will he provide unnecessary competition for Haejung? Or is he her muse? Is he someone she admires?

Right now, you are in a stage of introducing your characters, so to say whether or not your characters have chemistry, I'm not sure. Haejung seems to get along with everyone, except Byun Seonsaengnim. I will wait for your next chapters to determine this harmony or the lack thereof. ^^

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE FLOW - You write fairly well, though are some things you can change, add, or do without. To change, the usage of was/were. These two variations of the "to be" verb is used often in your first few sentences. Using was/were turns your active verbs into passive verbs. There are, of course, exceptions, but to use it often would turn your sentences into a jumble of words.

"The Kim manor servants were quietly preparing for the usual morning routines. The sound of silverware clinking against china porcelain was visibly heard from the dining room, and the rich scents of food wafted from the kitchen.

Hyejin Jung, the senior maid for the staff in charge of breakfast was quietly preparing a tray of French toast, cream and apricot jam with Earl Grey tea. She was about to deliver the tray towards the room next hall when suddenly the dining room door crashed open."

To use your active verbs properly, it would look like:

"The Kim manor servants quietly prepared for their usual morning routines. The sound of silverware clinking against china porcelain could be heard visibly from the dining room and the rich *aroma of food wafted from the kitchen.

*Jung Hyejin, the senior maid *of the staff in charge of breakfast, *dutifully assembled* a tray of French Toast, *apricot jam, and cream* with a cup of Earl Grey tea. *Just as she turned to deliver the tray to the room in the next hall, the dining room door crashed open.*"

*You may or may not take these suggested changes.

Instead of focusing on what the servants were doing presently in the past (see what I did there?), you firmly establish that these event were DONE in the past. Also, you have less words to work with once cutting out what is unnecessary. That should make it easier for you to arrange them in any way you wish. :)

There are many areas that you can add to, such as areas where you are describing a character's appearance.

Haejung: "The owner of the voice was a black-haired female with dark-brown eyes. Her appearance was somewhat sloppy, given that her hair was in a disorderly bun, uniform blouse hastily thrown on along with the jacket."

Suggestion: "The owner of the voice was a *raven-haired female with *unfocused dark-brown eyes. *Appearing somewhat sloppy,* her hair was in a disorderly bun *and her uniform blouse was tucked in at an odd angle, covered surreptitiously with her uniform jacket*."

As you can see, I used "was", but the exception was that it followed a gerund, or an -ing verb. It is a present participle and if used in the past tense, that allows the "was" to be used presently in the past. Let me know if this confused you, haha. I had to do my research for this.

Moving on, there are some things that you could do without, but that is really your call. You mention "curt" or "curtly" a lot, though that could easily be dealt with by using a thesaurus. "Muttered", "tapped", "sighed", "gulped", "mumbled", "grabbed" and many more can be interchangeable with their synonyms. Watch out for those verbs because readers will notice how many times you use them in the chapter.

There are others, but I think they can be spotted easily with a few read-throughs. Please don't be discouraged by the examples I posted! I am an English Major, so I am immediately drawn to these things. You are not a horrible writer and grammar isn't everything to a story. :)

STYLE/DICTION - What I love about your style and diction is the matter-of-factly way you tell things. It has a very... military-esque tone to it. Most of your writing is sharp and to the point. Truthfully, I like it. There is no need for fluffy descriptions because your story doesn't call for it. I especially love the moments when you introduce some vital information. Here are my favorites:

"She was Haejung Kim, the only daughter of the chairman of the Kim Industries; the sole heiress to the family’s fortune and wealth. The Kim family was one of the few influential families that greatly supported South Korea’s modernization. As the only child of a highly-influential family, Haejung was expected to have fine manners and a lady-like charm. However, her personality was the exact opposite of what people would expect."

and

"Weiss Academy.The current academy caters to students aiming to be pilots of Weiss frames. Thus, it specializes in military training, theorem and strategizing, along with grasping the basics of operating the Weiss frames."

In those passages, you state clearly who or what they are. There is no flowery language, just plain descriptions. Sometimes, stories need a list of facts. We need only an overview of what the Weiss Academy is. Haejung's introduction needs to be stated only once. I hope that this pattern is followed because this also develops the voice of your story. ^^

OVERALL IMPRESSION - Overall, I think that your story has a good foundation. It's clear that you did your research; all you need to do now is share the information you researched. I am utterly impressed with your usage and possible interpretations of your title and I hope that it will be a consistent theme throughout your story. :) You need not worry all too much about grammar because on this site, grammar is the least of your worries. Technically, all that I considered grammatical mistakes were grammatically correct, but in the context of storytelling, some changes need to be made. Anyway, I hope to see more of your story once you get the chance to update! And you did an amazing job for your first Sci-Fi/Mecha fanfic!

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS - Hey, so I know that this was kind of long... Okay, it was way too long. I hope that you liked the review! I read and reread what I wrote so that I could properly communicate all that I needed to say to you. It's really hard to condense when I really want to say about your plot and the possible ways you can continue with your story... If you have any questions or concerns, please post a comment! I will definitely reply back. :D