choops - Novo Amor

(Requested: 10.6.14, Finished: 11.1.14)

*****Reviewer's Note: Welcome, choops! Let me first apologize for the late review... I wanted to get this out to you at the same time as the previous review, but I felt that I needed to spend more time on yours. You deserve to have a thorough review, too. Also, I had a lot of personal situations to deal with, ones that kept me away from AFF for a while. >.< Anyway, I hope that this is helpful to you! If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know in the comments below!*****

FIRST IMPRESSIONS - I'm not going to lie; your Foreword is linguistically and visually appealing, which I really like. I'm in love with your Poster, not only because it features my second bias from EXO, but because the colors are soft and easy on the eyes. Your poster doesn't suffocate your readers with vibrant colors or a flurry of words; rather, it gives them breathing room to piece together the theme of your story. Judging completely by the composition of your poster, this story will be a light-hearted one, with a hint of pain and angst. The marigold and lavender hues provide a charming contrast that reminds me of early Spring or a new beginning. Aside from your Poster, your Description caught my attention the most. For some reason, I've been interested in slight-angst stories of late, while doing my best to write my own. There is something rich about them because they tap into more emotions than just anger or sadness. Bittersweet happiness, righteous anger, and so on and so forth, are key emotions that are portrayed through this genre. Now that I know you based your story off of The Fault in Our Stars, I'm anticipating reading it. ^^

What I like about your Foreword is that nothing is over or under-done. You seem to have mastered your Foreword layout, yet as I can see, this is your first and only story on AFF. I'm not sure if this is your first time on AFF, but if it is, I give you major props for arranging your Foreword well. I can't find a thing to fix in your Foreword, at least, not at first glance. I'm already hooked by your Title, drawn by your Poster, and invested through your Description. I look forward to reading your story!

TITLE - Your Title really fits the theme of your story or the story that I know so far. The impression that I get from your Title is that of early Spring, like your poster. It reminds me that Love isn't all about pain and longing, but also new beginnings. I personally like your decision to have a Title in a different language (although I would prefer it in Korean, Spanish is just as effective) because it gives a somewhat lackluster English Title a certain depth. "New Love" is likely to have a different connotation in Spanish than it does in English. Do speakers of the language view "Novo Amor" as a temporary feeling? Or do they view it as turning a new page, starting over again with another person?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like there is a slight disconnect between the language of your Title and the main characters of your story, who are both Korean. Without a doubt, your Title has a lot of impact in Spanish. Perhaps I feel this way because I expect Spanish culture to be portrayed in your story because of your Title? You are, after all, using that language as a template (Foreword, Chapters, etc.), therefore it needs to bear some significance to everything else in your story. I'm sure that you have a reason for using Spanish. I don't mean to be nitpicky, I'm just curious about why you chose it in lieu of other languages that would be more suitable for your Title. Don't get me wrong, I love your Title! I just have questions about it. XD

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION - I can't explain why I like your Foreword so much. A part of me says that it is because you used Chanyeol as your male lead, yet another part of me insists that it is because of The Fault in Our Stars. That novel/movie is incredibly romantic and angsty on many, many levels. It is compelling and it moves hearts. :) Also, with The Fault in Our Stars as your main inspiration, I believe that the standard for your story is set high and I'm looking forward to witnessing how you meet, then exceed those standards.

As I have already mentioned in my previous reviews, I like simple Forewords. Your Foreword is simple, yes, but you go beyond that. On top of a well-crafted poster, your Description gives enough details for your readers to ponder. You don't need an elaborated Description to grab our interest because your characters are already interesting enough. I'm already curious about how Chanyeol and Mina will meet, how Chanyeol will react to her situation (given the fact that she may or may not have the same type of cancer as his former girlfriend), and also how Mina will open up to Chanyeol. What I like is that you centered your Description on two of your main characters, leading me to believe that this is a character-driven, rather than plot-driven, story. As an aspiring playwright, I focus more on character development than plot, so I'm excited to see how your characters will grow and transform.

I do have something to say about the quote, though. It is nice and relevant, but the reference is wrong. If it is said from one of the characters in the story, it should be:

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices." - Hazel, The Fault in Our Stars

*You would use the author's name in an academic paper, as the author of the source. But, as for the person who said the quote? He did not say it; his character did. Later on, I see that you have more quotes from the story, but you have to remember that they aren't John Green's quotes, they are his characters' quotes.

*Also, your readers will likely know who this character is in The Fault in Our Stars. If they do not, this quote will make them curious enough to research who the character is. You can't spoon-feed your readers every time. You should give them a reason to be curious about the quote and why it is used in your Foreword. 

Truthfully, I don't think you have much to fix. No matter how many times I read your Foreword (which I have done for about ten or fifteen times), I can't find anything to comment on or criticize. >.< That doesn't mean that your Foreword is horrible. In fact, it means the opposite. ^^ Good job on a great Foreword!

PLOT - I love your plot! I was skeptical at first, expecting you to stick as close to The Fault in Our Stars as possibe, but you surprised me. In a very good way. Although you were heavily inspired by the popular novel, you cleverly deviated from it enough to produce your own story. In lieu of having both protagonists contract cancer, you had them experience the effects of cancer from both sides of the friendship. In my opinion, this is a much more realistic scenario as opposed to a story that features two characters with cancer. It is already a one in a million chance to fall in love with someone who has cancer, much less someone who has some sort of experience with cancer. Your characters are humans, not simply characters in a well-written story. To have both characters with cancer makes them characters, but having a clear physical and biological divide between them makes them humans.

Your plot provides great subtextual tension behind the light-hearted dialogue and descriptions. The interaction between Mina and the boys in her life (Chanyeol in particular) is so natural that I forget that she has cancer. I forget that she has cancer! It is only through her vomiting spells that I am reminded. To bring your readers so deep into the story that they forget about the dire situation at hand is an amazing feat to accomplish. I applaud you for that. ^^

The "soundtracks" and representative quotes of each chapter are what I look forward to with every update. The "soundtracks" and quotes add to the light-hearted tone in the story, reminding me that the story is less about the angst and more about the love blossoming between two people. Even though the two aren't quite "in love" with each other yet, they are at that awkward stage between friends and lovers, a stage superbly depicted in Soyou and Junggigo's "Some". Those elements at the beginning of each chapter really add to the ambience and mood of your story. :) 

I personally enjoy reading your Author's Notes at the end. I love that you use every opportunity you get to interact with your readers, using heartfelt notes and gifs to express your thoughts about your most recent updates and the progress of the story. This is very refreshing because it seems like you want to build a relationship with your readers. I believe that the relationship between an Author and his or her readers is very important, especially in the AFF community, where an Author can meet his or her readers indirectly. We all know that an Author cannot exist without his or her readers, just as a K-Pop Artist cannot exist without his or her fans.

CHARACTERIZATION - For some reason, Mina reminds me more of Katniss from Hunger Games than Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars. Something about her sulky, yet vulnerable personality keeps me fascinated with her character. She accepts so many things about life, death, and herself, despite being only 22 years old, and reacts to these things in a way that I believe a young woman in her early-twenties would. She's fierce and courageous, but behind all that is a girl who simply wants to be loved. Instead of extravagance, she longs for the simple things in life because even the simple things are difficult for her to achieve. What I like the most about her is that she is a realist, just like Katniss. She understands that she may die soon. She understands that being in love with someone who may or may not love her back is actually quite hopeless. She understands that her condition sets her apart from the rest of the world and that she may not be able to live a normal life again. Yet, she wants to be active, in love, and normal because she knows that it is worth it. What is the point of wasting away without at least trying? Now, that's a question that she faces boldly and I like it. ^^

I am glad that you portray Chanyeol as the Happy Virus that we all know him to be because I can't imagine him as anything else. Like other elements in your story, his personality is not overdone. He is a perfect mixture of happy and reasonable, which is the type of friend that Mina needs. He's not a puppy or a stalker or anything else that would classify him as clingy. He's a companion. And that's what I like the most about him. He doesn't fall in love with Mina right away; he chooses to be her friend instead. I personally think that this was a clever move to make. There are other types of love than just romantic love. Friendship may be fickle, but it is still a strong type of love. Of course, one would think that after three years, his emotional wound would have healed. However, the death of his first love still haunts him. This provides Chanyeol with a lot of room to grow and shed himself of his old life. I would like to see Chanyeol struggle with his feelings for both Mina and Hana more (even though you written quite a lot about his feelings already) because I believe that makes his character more relevant to the story.

You know, I was so surprised to read that Minseok had a boyfriend. I half-expected him to be a love rival to Chanyeol, but you surprised me once again. I love his character for two reasons: he's a loving "oppa" figure and his relationship with Luhan contrasts (and in some ways, is alike to) Chanyeol and Mina's relationship. Not only is he overprotective of Mina, he's also respectful towards Chanyeol. He views things from an objective point of view (well, not in terms of Luhan) and makes judgments based on careful observations and deliberations. He's an indispensable character of whom I would like to see more of.

Luhan is adorably silly, but that's about it. He is there as the "picture bride" of Xiumin, but as something more than that? In my opinion, he's just an extension of Xiumin. He does everything with Xiumin and he is always there for Mina if Xiumin isn't. I do not doubt that he has a purpose for being in the story and in no way am I say that he has no value. However, beyond being Xiumin's boyfriend, I don't see him as a prominent character in the story.

I wish that Baekhyun had more of a presence in the story, not because he is my bias from EXO, but because his bromance moments with Chanyeol and Jongdae are incredibly cute and precious. He may be a failure at romance, and he may not be the best person to receive relationship advice from, but he's great at being a friend. I want to see more spurts of wisdom springing from his nonsensical jabber because that makes his character all the more suited for the story.

For some odd reason, I like Jongdae's character. He's the voice of reason that we wish Chanyeol would listen to once in a while. Like Minseok, Jongdae provides an objective view for Chanyeol, but unlike Minseok, Jongdae's observations are met with doubt and resistance. I also want to see more of Jongdae, just to read how he will comfort or give advice to Chanyeol the next time.

I love how Yixing and Sehun are used as potential love rivals against Chanyeol. They do not pose a threat, but Chanyeol subconsciously sees them as such. Perhaps not Yixing, but he sees Sehun that way. Instead of being prominent characters in the story, they are rather plot devices that move the story along. I do not mind this at all. I'm satisfied with both of their entrances, but it wouldn't hurt to bring them back once in a while. ^^

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE FLOW - Now, I'm known for being a Grammar Nazi (though I've humbled myself over the years after realizing that I am also human and that I make human mistakes) and as I scoured your chapters for so much as a misplaced comma or semi-colon, I noticed that you had little to no grammatical mistakes. If you had mistakes, they weren't consistent, leading me to believe that they were simply typos that needed to be glossed over with another reading. In other words, your grammar is perfectly fine. Without surprise, your sentences flow very well and if it weren't for the typos, I would have mistaken your story as professionally written. :)

What I do have a problem with, and this is solely my opinion, is your excessive usage of the hyphen (-). I understand that at times, you have a pause in your sentences or an interruption in your narrative. However, you don't need to use a hyphen. Most times, a comma, semi-colon, or period would work just fine. Of course, this habit is seemingly a permanent part of your writing style, but it is grammatically incorrect. Also, it turns some of your sentences into run-ons, which is something you really want to avoid.

Another thing that I caught was how you ended your dialogues. There is nothing particularly wrong, but quotes are formatted to end with either a period, exclamation point, or question mark. The comma would suggest that the statement isn't finished. Ending commas in dialogues are used only when quotations begin, or are parts of, a narrative sentence.

Let me give you a few examples:

Incorrect usage of punctuation/grammar

*[Corrections/Suggestions]

1) Everything was all set for this Saturday- Chanyeol extended his invitation to both Jongdae and Baekhyun (only because Baekhyun’s father owned a van big enough for all of them to sit together comfortably), and he promised his mother to help her with the extra chores if she prepared lunch for all of them. All that was left was Mina’s permission to participate in their little weekend escapade- which meant that Minseok (and his ridiculously pretty boyfriend, Luhan) would have to tag along as well.

*Everything was all set for this [Saturday. Chanyeol] extended his invitation to both Jongdae and Baekhyun (only because Baekhyun's father owned a van big enough for all of them to sit together comfortably), and he promised his mother to help her with the extra chores if she prepared lunch for all of them. All that was left was Mina's permission to participate in their little weekend [escapade, which] meant that Minseok (and his ridiculously pretty boyfriend, Luhan) would have to tag along as well.

 2) “Goodbye, Luhan oppa,” Mina replied, patience wearing thin as she watched a giddy Luhan strutting back into Minseok’s apartment complex, not forgetting a little wave beforehand. “I’m sorry, that’s… that’s Luhan oppa. He has always been… squishy like that, for the lack of a better word,” Mina chuckled. “Anyway, I guess I’ll see you around then, Chanyeol. And um… sorry about lunch, honestly. I guess I’m not as good as your umma yet,”

*There are several ways of changing this paragraph, but I will suggest what I would do. The first part is great. Since "Goodbye, Luhan oppa," is a part of a narrative sentence, the comma is used correctly. However, what follows in the sentence is awkwardly worded. It should be:

"Goodbye, Luhan oppa," Mina replied, [her] patience wearing thin as she watched a giddy Luhan [strut] back into Minseok's apartment[. Not forgetting to wave a little before he shut the door, Mina chuckled. She smiled apologetically at Chanyeol.] "I'm sorry, that's... that's Luhan oppa. He has always been... squishy like that, for the lack of a better word[.]"

*You can add something here on Chanyeol's part, then return to Mina's farewell. Perhaps something like this:

[Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, at which Mina couldn't help but giggle into her fist. She cleared when he pouted in response.] "Anyway, I guess I'll see you around then, Chanyeol. And um... sorry about lunch[. Honestly.] I guess I'm not as good as your umma[,] yet[.]"

*The final product would look like:

"Goodbye, Luhan oppa," Mina replied, her patience wearing thin as she watched a giddy Luhan strut back into Minseok's apartment. Not forgetting to wave a little before he shut the door, Mina chuckled. She smiled apologetically at Chanyeol. "I'm sorry, that's... that's Luhan oppa. He has always been... squishy like that, for the lack of a better word."

Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, at which Mina couldn't help but giggle into her fist. She cleared when he pouted in response. "Anyway, I guess I'll see you around then, Chanyeol. And um... sorry about lunch. Honestly. I guess I'm not good as your umma, yet."

Feel free to take or leave these suggestions! What I pointed out were not very big errors, but rather, consistent errors that you made throughout your story.

STYLE/DICTION - Now, you have a certain style to your writing that I personally like. I have no idea how you do this, but you manage to write fluffy chapters effortlessly. I end up smiling a lot more than I should, especially at the dialogues between Mina and Chanyeol. Most of your dialogues are witty and compelling and simply put, I enjoy reading them. I understand that your story's overall genre is slight-angst, but your writing reflects that of fluff and romantic comedy. This works wonders for your story because a slight-angst undertone is much more interesting than a slight-angst overtone. Why? Because this makes your story very palatable. You use fluff as a device to deviate, not distract, from the undertone. Your readers are constantly reminded of Mina's possible death and, if you are staying true to The Fault in Our Stars, Chanyeol's possible contraction of cancer through your fluffy chapters. In short, we sort of know that something bad is going happen because you use fluff. It's very clever and I think I like this the most about your story. ^^

OVERALL IMPRESSION - Overall, I think that your story is well-rounded and well-written. If I hadn't found those few grammatical mistakes, I would have thought that your story was professionally written! I am thoroughly impressed by your plot and characters. Each plot point connects with the next and all of your characters have an individual purpose within your story. I love that slight-angst is weaved into your fluffy narrative, giving your writing style a certain flavor that is completely and irrevocably yours. Based on this story alone, I hope to read more of your work in the future! :)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS - Once again, I apologize for taking so long with your review. You could have withdrawn your request at any time, but I'm thankful that you didn't. I had some difficulties with your review, mainly due to things happening at home, but also because I had a serious bout of Writer's Block. As a result, I couldn't comment on stories that I have subscribed to or update my own stories... Anyway, I hope that you like it! Please credit me in your foreword and thank you much for waiting diligently for your review!