Sowon sat in her bed and sighed. Every week the thought of her being a fourth-year occupied her mind along with a certain feeling of spitefulness. She really has been at this school for about four years and yet… she had accomplished nothing she was proud of.

 

“Four years and you’re still here…” Sowon muttered to herself.

 

Yuju had class so she wasn’t going to be back for a while and everyone else was busy with their own classes and extracurriculars so that left Sowon alone and bored, which left time for a lot of self-reflection and slight self-loathing.

Sowon could leave. She could leave right now and apply to some talent management or entertainment company, but she never did. Every year she found a reason to stay. Freshman year she stayed because she felt obliged to, but for the last three years, Yuju came into her life. Sowon could never leave Yuju. Maybe the two of them could leave together? But then what about Sinb, Yerin, Eunha, and Umji?

 

Sowon should’ve just left her first year before she became attached to anyone. That was her fault and a decision she regrets time and time again. At least she met some of her closest friends… but at what cost?

 

“Nope, nope, nope,” Sowon said as she jumped to her feet and put on a light jacket.

 

She shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. Sowon didn’t have any classes today so she decided to go out into town, and if she did have classes, she probably would skip them… she wasn’t really in a good mood.

She looked over at the clock.

 

5:00 pm.

 

Yuju had club activities today that ended at around 8 pm. Sowon should be back by then… if not, she’ll text Yuju, so she won’t worry.

 

Sinb and Yerin were still not talking to each other so the six of them haven’t been able to hang out together recently… which because a new bar opened up a couple of days ago and Sowon wanted to go with all of them since they were finally all legally able to drink. Yerin and Umji’s birthday was coming up and Umji would finally be able to drink. Everyone was so excited that they were waiting to drink again when Umji was finally legal. Because of that, she hadn’t been able to go out and drink with Eunha and Yerin. Sowon had to admit… she missed the atmosphere. Maybe Sowon will go check out the new bar so when the time comes for the six of them to go out and drink again, she’ll know whether or not this bar is good or not. Then again… she wasn’t really in the mood for drinking. Maybe she’ll just walk around and go to whatever place catches her eyes.

 

“Sounds like a good plan,” Sowon mentally patted herself on the back. She slid on her shoes and put on a mask and hat and headed out. The mask wasn’t necessary, but she just didn’t want any extra attention. Sowon wasn’t narcissistic, but whenever she went out by herself a lot of people would approach her either for a date or a modeling job (both being equally sketchy) and she didn’t want to deal with that.

As much as she loved the company of all of her friends, Sowon looked forward to some alone time. It’s been a while since she could just go out and recharge without the mental toll of fighting with Sinb—even if it is for fun.

 

Sowon walked around the town right by campus which thankfully wasn’t as busy as usual. Granted, Sowon was ditching class and it was a weekday—people would be studying by now or be in their club meetings.

 

Sowon looked at some of the clothing stores and visited the library, which both quickly grew boring. Once it got dark Sowon decided to go head out to the bar. She said she wouldn’t go before Umji’s birthday… but she needed a drink or two. Sowon sighed, she would make fun of people who would go out on a weekday to drink by themselves but now she was one of those weirdos who would be going to a bar on a Tuesday night.

 

She opened the door and wasn’t surprised to see only a couple of other people there… though they were at least in a group, which made Sowon slightly self-conscious. That feeling quickly disappeared as she realized she could care less about what they thought about her.

 

Sowon grabbed a seat right at the bar and the bartender asked for her ID, which she gladly presented.

 

“What can I get for you, pretty lady?” He asked.

 

“I’m not sure,” Sowon hummed. “Make me your favorite,”

 

“Coming right up,” He replied.

 

Sowon let out a sigh and watched as the bartender mixed and threw the cocktail shaker around. She couldn’t tell if he was just showing off or if this was all part of the whole drink-making procedure.

 

“Here you go ma’am,” He winked which made Sowon come to the conclusion that he was definitely showing off. “It’s on the house,”

 

“Thank you,” Sowon smiled at the man. He was good-looking, Sowon gave him that, but Sowon overall had no interest in romantic relationships, so she wasn’t going to say anything else to avoid complications. Free drink at least.

Sowon took a sip and the drink was surprisingly sweet despite it being strangely bitter. It was stronger than she usually would order, but all of these flavors made a pleasant mix. She would have to ask him what this drink was called.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

 

Suddenly the drink turned sour in and it became hard for her to swallow. Sowon put the drink down and glared at the lady who was sitting down next to her. Sowon rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink.

 

“Skipping? Again?”

 

“What do you want, Principal Park?” Sowon asked putting extra hostility in the name.

 

“Come on,” Principal Park sighed next to Sowon. “There’s no one here, why don’t we have a chat? Mother to daughter? Have you found a boyfriend yet?”

 

Sowon let out a laugh.

 

“Don’t act like my mother,” Sowon said harshly. “After all these years you want to act like a mother. A little too late isn’t it?”

 

“I just thought—”

 

“You thought?” Sowon scoffed. “Thought what? I’d forgive you and come back all happy?”

 

“I didn’t mean—"

 

“7 years, six months, and thirteen days.” Sowon cut her mother off. “That’s how long I waited for you. I was hoping one day you would come back and take me with you. Instead, you left me alone with dad.”

 

“That was never my intention.”

 

“Oh really?” Sowon’s voice was low and cold.

 

Principal Park looked down at her hands. The lack of response annoyed Sowon even more and suddenly it felt like she had opened pandora’s box.

 

“Do you know how long I waited for you to come back? I still had hope that maybe you would come back and take me with you away from my dad—your husband. Even after all that time I still didn’t lose hope. I left everything behind to find you. I had to come to this hell of a school hoping that you still cared about me.” Sowon gritted her teeth. “Do you know how I felt seeing you happy without me? I realized that if you really loved me then you wouldn’t have left me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have been smiling that wide. You only care about yourself.”

 

That shut the principal up, or rather, she didn’t feel like she had a right to say anything.

 

“I had to come search for you to find that you set up this messed up school,” Sowon continued.

 

Ms. Park let out a breathy chuckle. It was probably to lighten the mood but it only fueled Sowon’s rage even more.

 

“I remember the first year you were here you tried to mess it all up.” Principal Park finally said.

 

“And I did,” Sowon replied as she took a large sip of her beverage. “You kept covering up everything I exposed about you.”

 

“Since then, you’ve changed.” Principal Park raised her eyebrow. “During your second year, you changed. Started following the rules a little bit more. What changed? Rather, who was it that made you change?”

 

Sowon stood up and picked up her jacket and mask. She wasn’t going to get anywhere with this conversation, it would only cause more of a scene.

 

“And I see you haven’t changed.” Sowon glared at the principal before exiting the bar.

 

“Sojung.” The principal called after Sowon.

 

Sowon hesitated, she hadn’t heard her mother call her name in forever. She hated her birth name because her father insisted on giving her that name, but when she was younger, she loved hearing her mother say it because it made it seem like it was hers rather than an obligation. Now, it was a terrible reminder.

 

“Don’t call me that.” Sowon scowled.

 

 

Sowon let out a long sigh. It was either that and having strangers give her weird looks or her punching the nearest thing to her right… the former seemed like a better idea. Once again, Sowon was unable to ask why Ms. Park had left her, rather she wasn’t ready to hear it. She was scared of what the reason was. Sowon tried to convince herself it was because of how her father treated Ms. Park… but if it were because of Sowon… she would never be able to live it down. All her life she tried to be perfect… but she was never able to achieve that kind of status. Maybe that was why her mother had left her.

Sowon slapped her cheeks. Whatever the reason was, Ms. Park left Sowon alone to get the bunt of it all from her father and that alone was enough to hate her. Her mother was now living an independent and happy life… and that hurt Sowon the most. She was happy knowing that she left her daughter in hell, and she was happy being by herself—without Sowon.

 

“Have you found a boyfriend yet?”

 

That sentence left a bad taste in Sowon’s mouth.

 

Sowon walked down the almost empty street. She wrapped her jacket around herself as the air grew colder with each passing second. Soon the streetlights illuminated the streets and people trickled out of the closing stores and restaurants.

Sowon looked around as she came to a stop. She saw friends laughing, couples flirting, and a family walking home after a filling dinner. Sowon suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of detachment.

 

Her whole life she never felt like she belonged. Her home was a living hell and the people around her usually just became friends with her because she was pretty. Sowon never felt like she belonged.

 

“He’s so hot,” Her friends would tell her.

 

“I want to be his girlfriend so bad,” Another friend would say. “What about you?”

 

Sowon would smile and laugh while those around her bugged her about her love life.

 

“You’re really pretty,” Her friend would say. “You could pull anyone.”

 

They acted as if Sowon was obliged to get into a relationship because people found her attractive. Sowon never understood why people loved the way they did. Sowon’s father would harass her about romantic relations and would call her useless whenever she would respond that she had no one in mind.

 

“You’re a woman,” He would scowl. “Hurry up and find a man to support you. That’s all you must do at your age. “

 

You would be happy if you dated someone so they could be there for you.”

 

Sowon wasn’t miserable because she wasn’t in a relationship… she was miserable because no one understood her.

 

“Sowon?”

 

Sowon turned around from where the voice was coming from.

 

“I knew I recognized those long legs!” Yerin exclaimed.

 

“Thank God it’s you Sowon,” Eunha sighed. “I was so scared that you were someone random. Yerin insisted it was you, but there were so many other instances where she thought it was you and it wasn’t.”

 

“If I’m going to be in an embarrassing situation then you’re coming down with me.” Yerin laughed. “Also, I knew it was you!”

 

Eunha rolled her eyes. “You say that last time.”

 

“What are you doing out here?” Eunha asked. “Just taking some alone time?”

 

“You can say something like that,” Sowon shrugged.

 

“Did you have any classes today?” Yerin asked. “We ended classes pretty early, we could’ve tagged along,”

 

“I wouldn’t want to feel like a third wheel,” Sowon smiled. “Plus, it’s been a while since we all kind of went off alone. It was kind of refreshing in a way.”

 

Sowon lied. This whole day was .

 

“We’re heading back to the dorms now,” Eunha said. “We can all go together if you’re heading back now.”

 

“I’m going to stick around a little bit more,” Sowon replied. “Thanks for the offer.”

“Don’t stay out too late,” Yerin said. “We got class early tomorrow.”

 

Sowon nodded.

 

“Don’t worry, I won’t be out long,” Sowon assured.

 

Sowon turned to walk away as she watched the two walk away hand in hand. Sowon didn’t hate romance, in fact, she loved it—at least the idea of it. She hated feeling like she didn’t belong because she didn’t have someone, she loved the way Yerin and Eunha loved each other. Her whole life she felt like she was broken but could never fix it because it wasn’t something that could be fixed… it’s just how she was created.

 

“Do you think it’s alright for someone to never experience love?” Sowon called after them.

 

Yerin and Eunha turned around. Sowon scrambled for words.

 

“One of my friends asked for advice, but I wasn’t able to give her any comfort at the time,” Sowon stammered. “I was hoping you would have an answer?”

 

“To never experience love?” Yerin repeated. “Isn’t that a little sad?”

 

Sowon felt the weight on her shoulders grow. Of course, it was. It wasn’t normal.

 

“There are always going to be people around you,” Yerin said. “Friends, family, classmates—there are all different kinds of love.”

 

“To never experience any kind of love would be pretty lonely. I mean, I couldn’t live without Yerin, but love isn’t only found in romantic relationships. We’re friends and I love you.” Eunha said. “If I didn’t have anyone around me who cared about me or who I cared about, I think it’d be pretty lonely.”

“So…” Sowon took a deep breath in. “Do you think it’s normal to not want to fall in love with someone the way you love each other?”

 

“Who’s to judge what’s normal. Hell, people think that we aren’t normal, but I say that! Love who you love or don’t and either way that is ok! It’s amazing! uality is a spectrum, there is no right or wrong way to love someone. And if you don’t find yourself falling in love, you are still valid, and we see you and we’re proud of you regardless.” Yerin smiled.

Sowon looked at her, mouth agape.

 

“Oh, sorry,” Yerin covered slightly embarrassed at her volume. “Tell your friend that it’s ok to not have romantic feelings for someone. If she ever wants to talk to us, send her over our way!”

 

“We’re more than willing to talk with them,” Eunha added. “And if you ever want advice, Sowon, we’re also here for you.”

“Thanks,” Sowon smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

Sowon turned around and started walking again. She looked up at the moon and the clouds surrounding it and smiled.

 

 

 

“Do you think Sowon is alright?” Eunha asked. “I don’t mean to be nosy, but it didn’t seem like she was talking about a friend. The way she asked us, the expression she wore, and the way she clenched her hand around her chest… it seemed a little more personal.”

“Yeah, halfway through I got that type of vibe.” Yerin agreed. “I kinda turned the whole conversation from her friend and directed it at her without even realizing. I didn’t want to put her on the spot and ask. It didn’t seem like she was comfortable in confiding in us yet.”

 

Eunha and Yerin grew silent as their TV screen flickered in the dimly lit room.

 

“I didn’t mean to bring her up,” Eunha said after a while. “This scene just reminded me of her.”

 

“The girl coming to terms with herself?” Yerin asked. “I guess you’re right. I’d be lying if I said Sowon didn’t pop into my head… though it’s weird for me to say that when I’ve only known her for less than a year.”

 

“Sowon was always one to skip classes,” Eunha said. “So, I wasn’t surprised to see that she was ditching again. I was surprised to hear that slight outburst from her though… Sowon isn’t really one to open up. She was more of the person to open up to.”

 

“Have you?” Yerin raised an eyebrow. “I mean talked to her about serious stuff?”

 

“Yeah,” Eunha replied. “She’s a good listener.”

 

“I sure hope you didn’t talk about me.” Yerin leaned her head into Eunha’s. “Well, only if it’s good things, that I wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Don’t worry, I only tell her the good things.” Eunha laughed.

 

“Then what do you tell her about?” Yerin asked.

 

“Why are you asking?” Eunha questioned.

 

“Well…”

 

“Are you jealous?” Eunha chuckled.

 

“No…”

 

“You are jealous!” Eunha laughed. “Babe, why are you getting jealous?”

 

“I told you no,” Yerin took her arm off of Eunha’s shoulder and crossed them with a slight pout.

 

“Babe? Yerin?” Eunha leaned forward to meet Yerin’s eyes who turned away to avoid any contact.

 

“Babe, I only complained to her about school and professors,” Eunha grabbed Yerin’s face and squished her cheeks as she turned her face forward. “I would never keep any secrets from you!”

 

Yerin still avoided eye contact.

 

“Promise?” Yerin asked, still avoiding eye contact.

 

Eunha took a deep breath as she bit her lip. Eunha’s eyes grew sad as they drifted from Yerin’s unwilling eyes to her ears--she was thankful for the dim-lit room and Yerin’s refusal to look at her. Eunha quickly smiled as she kissed Yerin’s puffed lips.

 

“Promise,” Eunha lied. Eunha wasn’t a good liar, but over the years, she was sad to admit that she was getting better.

 

“Sorry, I’m acting childish…” Yerin puffed her cheeks. “I shouldn’t be getting jealous over something like that… granted I wasn’t with you for a long time. I’m happy you found solace in someone else.”

 

“As much as I agree with it being childish, maybe I find it cute when you get jealous.” Eunha laughed. “So we’re even.”

 

“Geez,” Yerin rolled her eyes and pushed herself forward until she was hovering over Eunha. “Sure, sure.”

 

Yerin leaned down on the couch and kissed her girlfriend, who kissed her back.

 

“Do you want to finish the movie or do something else?” Yerin suggested.

 

“I don’t know,” Eunha put a finger on her chin. “This movie is a good one.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Yerin raised an eyebrow.

 

“But we could always finish it tomorrow,” Eunha cooed as she wrapped her arms around Yerin’s neck and pulled her down for another kiss.

 

 

 

Sowon entered her room and was surprised to see the light was still on. 

"Yuju?" Sowon tilted her head in confusion as she still saw the girl awake in her bed. "Don't you have an early class tomorrow? Shouldn't you be asleep?"

 

"Yeah," Yuju shrugged. "But I was worried about you. I thought you would be back earlier granted. Didn't realize how much time passed."

 

"I'm sorry Yuju." Sowon felt terrible.

 

"Oh!" Yuju could see the older girl's shoulders sag. "No, don't feel bad! I was also just waiting for you just cause."

 

"Just cause?" Sowon was skeptical. 

 

"Well," Yuju blushed. "I wanted to show you a new song I was working on." 

 

"Oh," Sowon's eyes widen. "Let's hear it!"

 

Yuju's eyes lit up as she took out her phone and connected it to a small speaker she carried with her everywhere. Sowon sat down and listened. The song was a slow ballad.

 

"It's still really rough," Yuju admitted. 

 

The audio wasn't the bed and sometimes the piano sound faded out in places where the mic couldn't pick up the high or low frequencies, but to Sowon, it was beautiful.

 

The lyrics spoke of a girl finding love but not love like sappy romance--one of found home, It didn't talk of falling in love, but finding the right person out there who understood you and wanted to understand you. It spoke of a person becoming vulnerable. It was ok to be vulnerable. Something clicked in Sowon's mind as the song continued.

 

 Sowon looked at Yuju and realized that she had always been looking for validation from the wrong people her whole life. The person who understood her most was sitting right in front of her. The people who understood her were all in front of her eyes. Sowon always ravished in the people who forced different obligations onto her that she didn't realize this whole time how closed off she was towards the people who took that burden away from her. 

 

"How was it!" Yuju asked.

 

"It was beautiful," Sowon smiled softly. 

 

"Thanks!" Yuju had a goofy grin plastered across her face. 

 

"No," Sowon shook her head. "Thank you, for everything."

 

"I just showed you a song," Yuju said a little confused. "I should be the one thanking you for sitting through that."

 

"I guess you're right," Sowon joked. 

 

The two laughed it off before turning off the lights and lying in bed. Sowon looked at the ceiling. 

 

She always felt like she didn't belong, but that wasn't because she didn't belong--it's because Sowon had built walls around her that made it impossible to feel like she was a part of something. Her whole life she had to stay defensive and hide away from disappointment and duties which people demanded upon her. But now, she found people who understood her--wanted to understand her--and didn't force anything onto her. It was Sowon herself who kept herself trapped in this comfortable space she had built for herself. It was a one-way ticket into her space. Only in, no way out. Sowon was still scared to completely break free, it's been too long. Slowly and surely, she would come out. For now, she finally felt a little bit of freedom. 

 

---

Hey guys, it's been a while. Sorry, this is a shorter update.

Gfriend disbanded and I've been really sad about that but it inspired me to write again in a way? Even though Gfriend disbanded, I don't want to end this fanfic unfulfilled? It'll just be sad for me to have two feelings of unfulfillment in life haha!

I really do miss them, but I hope we'll see the girls someplace else!

I will try my best to update as much as I can... but no matter how long it takes, I want to finish this story... it's gone on for too long and too much planning went into it for me to not finish it! School has been tough, but I won't let you guys down!

Let me know if you liked this update or not and I'll see you guys soon!!