I laid on my side, watching the minute change on my digital alarm clock. It’s all I’ve been doing since Sunday after I fully realized that I couldn’t go to college. A lot of you must be thinking “What’s the big deal? It’s just college. You can do things even without college.” But the thing is, college to me was going to be more than just education, a degree. It was going to be my safety net. Not only that, but I hate disappointing people and all the teachers and adults that I’ve come across in my life that helped me with my studies or said that I was going to go far because of my grades and my hardwork, will probably be disappointed when I say I never went to college. And if they were to find out that I was the reason why and what I did that caused me to not go, I’d probably lose all my credibility with them. It’s the most suffocating feeling ever. 

And all the time I’ve been wallowing in self-pity in my room, I’ve been getting bad headaches plus the memories that come with them and it’s with the same older girl I’ve been seeing telling little me that I was smart, that I would go far, that I could be a doctor or a lawyer or anything I wanted because of my brains. And each time it ends, I just feel like an even bigger disappointment than I did before. And it was no one else’s fault but mine. If I had done what my mother wanted me to do, Colette wouldn’t have done what she did. If I had just toughen up, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Yoonsan’s Point of View

I stood outside of Eunjung’s door for what was probably the 100^th time today. I would stop everytime I come upstairs or went downstairs, only to keep walking because I didn’t know what to say or do. Sooyoung noona has scolded me each time though, saying that I need to man up and go be with Eunjung in her time of need. It’s not that I don’t want to be with her but I don’t think I’d be able to handle seeing her look so down and broken. It’s not the Eunjung I’m used to seeing and it scares me.

“San, I swear to Shisus that if you don’t get your in there now, I’m going to hide your string cheese stash. Don’t think I don’t know about your mini fridge in your room.” I jumped when I heard Sooyoung noona’s voice.

“Noona! Don’t scare me like that!” I clutched at my chest, trying to slow my heart rate.

“San, she’s been locked in her room since Sunday…it’s Wednesday. She hasn’t even eaten. Every tray that’s brought to her, comes back untouched. Now, you’re going to grow a pair and take this tray in there and you are not coming out until she has eaten something or I will call Rani to come and knock some sense into you.” Sooyoung noona ed the tray into me rather aggressively, causing me to grab it.

“Noona, why are you so mean?” First she threatens to take my string cheese, now she’s threatening me personally.

“Now, San!” And with that I was fighting to get Eunjung’s door to open without dropping the tray. I closed the door behind me once I was in Eunjung’s room. I rested my forehead against the door and tried to clear my head and figure out how to go about this. I was never good with these things.

“It’s now or never, San. Just think about what Rani could do to you if she’s given free reign.” I took a deep breath before turning around.

I froze at the state Eunjung’s room was in. Every college brochure she received was torn and on the floor. Every assignment she’s possibly done all her senior year, her notes, all ripped from notebooks and her binders and crumpled up and in the same state as the brochures. Everything that was on her desk, was on the floor, her school uniform laid in a rumpled heap by her closet. I took a step forward but a paper crunching under my foot scared me. I placed the tray down on her desk before picking up the paper. I unraveled it and saw that it was her high school diploma. I remember a couple hours after I left Eunjung alone in her room so I could go and get my phone to text everyone what was going on, she had slammed her door shut and locked it. A maid had come to get me after they heard her screaming and stuff being thrown around in her room but no one could get the door to open. By the time I got there, everything had died down. I wanted to go in, but Sooyoung noona had advised me to give her space but I don’t think she thought that I would give her three days of space.

“Eunjung, jagi, I brought food.” I placed the diploma down on the desk after a sad attempt of getting the wrinkles out and picked the tray back up. I placed the tray on Eunjung’s night stand then sat on the edge of her bed. I knew exactly where she was because of the lump in the blankets. I pushed the blankets back enough just so I could see her face. As soon as I did though, she turned away.

“Jagiya, please, you need to eat.” I sighed. We sat there for a while and just as I was about to get up and leave to give her space, Eunjung moved. She didn’t move towards me, but away instead. I was confused and then she stuck an arm out, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her.

“Jagiya, do you want a hug?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. I laid down and as soon as I was laying down, Eunjung literally rolled into me. I let out an ‘oomph’ before wrapping my arms around her in a tight hug. We stayed like that for a while until I felt Eunjung begin to tremble and I felt something wet on my shirt.

“Jagi, are you okay?” I felt Eunjung shake her head, her arms tightening around me.

“I’m a disappointment, a failure. It’s all my fault that this happened.” I hugged Eunjung tighter, placing a kiss on the top of her head. I had to fight my own tears since hearing her talking about herself like that.

“If I had just done what my mother said, this wouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t have gotten hit and in trouble and everything would’ve been fine. I’m sorry, Yoonsan. I’m so, so sorry. It’s all my fault.” I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat up, pulling Eunjung up with me and I held her at arms length.

“Eunjung, don’t ever think like that. You are stronger than your mother. A better person than her. This is just a setback, okay. You’re not a disappointment or a failure. I never want to hear you say that about yourself and don’t you ever think it either. It’s not your fault.” I held her face in my hands.

“You’re better than your parents, my father, Colette, better than anyone that they associate with. I know you worked hard, you worked harder than anyone else from your school but college won’t define you. It won’t tell you your worth because it can never match up to it. You are such a beautiful and amazing person, inside and out. And, and I-I…” I stared into her eyes that were beginning to tear up.

“I love you.” I whispered, giving her a soft kiss. Eunjung whimpered when I pulled away. I felt her grab my shirt and pull me towards her, giving me a longer kiss.

“I love you too.” She said when she pulled away. I smiled, hugging her close.

I left her room after a few hours. She ate what was on the tray and we talked for a bit after that before she fell asleep mid-sentence. I watched her sleep for a little while, playing with her hair. I sighed as soon as I left her room. Even after everything I told her, I knew she wasn’t okay still. I went downstairs to the kitchen to leave the tray then went back to my room where I had left my cell phone.

I got my phone and went straight to my contacts to call the only person who I felt could help me with this.

“What’s up, ?”

“Rani, I don’t know what to do.”

“What’s wrong? Is Eunjung okay?”

“No. I mean, she’s okay physically. Emotionally though, she’s not. I don’t know what to do. I figured, since you’ve been so good so far when it comes to Eunjung and I, you could help me out.” I heard Rani sigh on the other end.

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do. Call everyone else and tell them to go over tomorrow.” And with that, she hung up. Gee, thanks for that plan.

I did as Rani said and the next day, the bridesmaids, Edward, Rani, Nayoung noona, and the groomsmen, all came over. Sooyoung noona had prepared a small feast and assigned me the job of getting Eunjung up, ready, and out of her room. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

“Jagiya, come on, you need to get up and at least leave your room.” I tried to tug the blanket away from her but she was being stubborn.

“No. If I stay in my room, nothing can hurt me. I’m safe here.”

“Jagi, people are coming over.” I tried to reason.

“Then they can come in here but I’m never leaving my room.” I dropped the blanket, glaring at the lump in the bed.

“That’s it, you asked for it.” I muttered. I scooped up the lump, blankets and all and carried it to the bathroom.

“You’re going to shower, change out of these pajamas and you’re going to leave this room. I’m doing this for your own good. I grunted with each hit.

“Never! I’m exhausted! I don’t want to do anything! Let me sleep!” She tried to fight out of the blankets and my arms.

“Why are you exhausted? You’ve been laying in here since Sunday.” Eunjung stopped moving.

“I’ve been getting more and more memories back. They’re quick snippets, but the pain is bad and it makes me tired. That’s also why I haven’t left my room much these past few days. I get them so often, I don’t want to be anywhere dangerous when I get them.” I placed Eunjung down and helped her get out of the blankets.

“Oh, my poor jagi.” I hugged her close, resting my chin on the top of her head.

“Okay, you don’t have to come out today if you don’t want.” I felt Eunjung shake her head.

“No, you’re right. I need to leave this room. It’s been long enough for me. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready. Unless you want to shower with me.” I laughed, giving her a kiss.

“Then it would take longer than a few minutes.” I smirked, giving her one last kiss.

“Okay.” She smiled a soft smile, leaving the blankets on the floor as she went to her bathroom, closing the door behind her. I laughed, shaking my head but glad to see her playing around like that.

By the time Eunjung was ready, everyone started to arrive. Eunjung had been in the kitchen with noona and I when Edward came into the kitchen followed by the bridesmaids.

“Oh, what are you guys doing here?” Eunjung slid off the stool she was sitting on and went to give them hugs.

“Yoonsan called us yesterday to come over. We wanted to make sure you were okay.” Sunny said, giving Eunjung an extra hug. I finally got off my stool to greet them as well.

“And we thought we could make it into a little party since he called everyone. One last thing until you guys are ‘married’.” Megan added on, making air quotes around married.

“Really? And who’s everyone?” Eunjung wondered and as if on cue, the rest of the group came in.

“We have arrived!” Taehyun hyung exclaimed, throwing his arms up into the air but only to get smacked by Rani when he nearly smacks her in the face.

“Watch where your hands go.” She said, moving to Junhyuk hyung’s other side.

“You’re all here for me?” Eunjung asked, moving to stand next to me after greeting everyone.

“Of course, Eunjungie. As your friends, we have to be with you in your time of need.” Junhyuk hyung explained as if it was something she shouldn’t have to question which it basically was.

“More like family in my opinion.” Mary sheepishly said, getting a chorus of agreements from everyone.

“Eunjung, you’re always there for everyone else, even when it was difficult for you so we wanted to pay it back and show you that it isn’t one sided and that we’re all here for you, whenever you need us.” Nayoung noona explained. I smiled, looking over at Eunjung only to see her wiping at her eyes with her sleeves.

“Jagi, what’s wrong?” I pulled Eunjung into a hug, only to have her crying on my shirt, again.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m thankful to have all of you in my life, really. It means a lot.” She sniffled which caused everyone to go ‘aw’ then surround us in a group hug. Moonkyu hyung was forced, but he was still part of the group hug.

“Okay, we get it, but it’s starting to get hard to breathe.” I groaned out, trying to wriggle out of the hug.

“No way, . I’m only cuddly every now and then. Take it while you can.” I heard Rani say. I rolled my eyes but decided not to fight it. She hits too hard.

Author’s Point of View

Later on in the evening, Rani found Eunjung sitting in the garden. She had noticed her sneak away when everyone was busy with the food and wanted to get a moment alone with her.

“Hey, Eunjung, you okay?” Eunjung jumped at the sound of Rani’s voice, not expecting her but relaxed quickly.“I’m fine, just, needed to breathe. I was by myself for a few days so being around everyone was just kind of overwhelming.” Eunjung chuckled, looking down at her cup of tea that she was using to keep her hands warm. Rani smiled, sitting next to Eunjung.

“You sure you’re fine though?” Rani pushed. Eunjung turned to give her a tight lipped smiled that Rani instantly knew was fake.

“I’m fine, really. I just, need to get over this. It’ll take me some time, but I’ll be fine.” Eunjung assured her but Rani knew that she was trying to assure herself more than anything. Rani sighed, placing a hand on Eunjung’s shoulder as she turned to look at her.

“I know that things seem hard now and it feels like your world is coming to and end but trust me that when I say that I got you, I mean it. And it means a lot more than you think.” Rani ignored the confused look on Eunjung’s face as she got up to go back inside. She had a call she needed to make.