It was shocking. As the guards pulled her away and closed the doors again, she remained frozen in place, still trying to process what she had seen.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol, together the way that a man and a woman typically would be.

The guards began to tell her that she was not allowed to enter and that what was happening inside was strictly confidential; she knew that now. Still in a daze, she turned around and began to walk back to her room as she tried to absorb the image.

“Princess Yewon,” she heard Seungcheol’s breathless voice from behind her. She turned and saw that he looked jaded and flustered; his hair was a mess and his shirt loosely pulled over his head.

She didn’t feel like speaking to him at all, and so she just kept walking, turning her back to him and trying to process the kind of relationship that she now knew her husband had with Jeonghan.

“Listen to me,” he called out to her, following her as she walked forward and ignored him. “What you just saw…”

“I don’t want to hear,” she told him, shaking her head.

“Please keep it a secret,” Seungcheol requested softly when there were no ears around to hear them. He looked sincere. “Please,” he asked again. It was the first time Yewon had ever seen him so distraught.

She didn’t answer him. She kept walking, and he followed her until she entered to her room, and he entered with her.

“Please?” he requested again, closing the door behind him.

Yewon still had not fully processed this. The Seungcheol that she saw in front of her who was sincerely asking for her confidentiality was not the Seungcheol she thought she knew. The Seungcheol she knew was cold, strong, upright, resolute and independent. This Seungcheol was not strong or upright; he was deviant and helpless, and for the first time, seemed to be in need of her cooperation.

“I don’t understand,” Yewon managed to say to him finally.

“I’m not going to deny what you saw,” Seungcheol answered her. “What you saw is what it is.”

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What else do you want me to say?” Seungcheol asked, a frown starting to appear on his face.

“You’re married,” Yewon told him.

“Did you expect loyalty?” Seungcheol snapped at her, “from the very beginning, I told you that our marriage is nothing but a political arrangement, princess. I never intended to stay loyal to you. I never intended to break the relations I already had.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Yewon replied, looking to the floor and feeling slightly stupid for even thinking that there had ever been passion between them.

“Are you hurt?”

“What woman wouldn’t be hurt by this?” she replied honestly. She had been hurt ever since he left her bed that night, but seeing Jeonghan and Seungcheol together like that made it so much more painful.

Seungcheol sighed and said: “I’m sorry you had to see it. It would have been easier if you didn’t know. Especially since I still need to impregnate you, and it would be harder for you now that you find me revolting…”

‘I still need to impregnate you.’ Those words made her feel cold all of the sudden, like she was nothing but an object to him. It felt dehumanizing, and it chilled her to the bone to hear him say it like that.

“You did a good job of pretending there was passion yesterday night and the night before,” Yewon noted.

“I figured it would be easier for you if there was the illusion of love, seeing that you read romance and all. But it wasn’t easier for me,” Seungcheol replied. “It’s why I walked away. I couldn’t bear being so fake.”

“Well don’t do that again, please,” Yewon told him. “I don’t want any more illusions from you.”

“Fine,” Seungcheol relented with a shrug. “No more illusions. Just hard, cold . It might hurt more though.”

“I can handle physical pain better than I can handle humiliation,” Yewon told him. “I don’t want you to baby me, and I don’t want your condescending pity.”

“Noted,” Seungcheol responded. “Tonight then?”

“Right now,” she replied without really thinking. “I just want it to be over.”

“Now?”

She nodded and reached to the back of her dress to untie it.

Seungcheol seemed to hesitate, but he stepped closer to her and reached out to help her untie the dress. She shoved his arm away.

“No,” she told him. “I don’t want you to touch me if you don’t need to. I want this to be as cold as you are,” she spewed at him. Her voice cracked when she said it, which made her appear choked up. She was emotional, and she had tried to hide that from him, but her faltering voice and her trembling lips weren’t helping her cause.

“I don’t think now is the right time for this,” he stated firmly, but calmly. “You’re angry, and you think I’m repulsive. You even want this to be painful, and as much as I don’t care about you, I’m not the kind of person who would hurt anyone, even if you want it to hurt.”

Her breath was heavy as she stared at him. He was oddly composed, whereas she felt like she wanted to tear her hair out of her head any second now.

“I’m leaving now, princess. But before I leave, I want to have your guarantee that you will not reveal what you saw to anyone. Okay?”

When she didn’t reply he asked again until she finally gave him the answer: “It doesn’t serve my interest to tell anyone.”

“So you won’t?”

“I won’t.”

He accepted that answer with a nod. “In that case, I’ll see you tonight, princess.” He turned around and left, making Yewon feel like she just broke the good relationship that had only just started to form between them.

-

Seeing Seungcheol together with Jeonghan like that and the conversation that took place afterwards left Yewon shaken and stressed. It seemed like a lot had suddenly changed, even though nothing really changed; Yewon was just aware of more truths.

She thought back through many things, from the very beginning when Jun had called Jeonghan Seungcheol’s spouse. It seemed like Jun was aware of it to some extent. Actually, it seemed like a lot of people were aware of it... Even the guards standing outside his room.

She remembered when Seungcheol told her that there were many rumors about him which were true. She guessed that this was it… his now extramarital relationship with a man, with Jeonghan.

Many things made sense to her now, including why Jeonghan obviously hated her so much, and why he didn’t attend the wedding.

It seemed like even Wonwoo knew about it when he told her that Jeonghan hated her. Wonwoo told her many things that supported this. He even told her that Seungcheol would not take a mistress, but also would not stay loyal.

But Jeonghan was Solbin’s brother. Was Solbin ever really his lover, or had it been Jeonghan all along? Or had Jeonghan and Seungcheol come together after Solbin’s death? Whatever the case, it was a messed up scenario altogether. And Seungcheol was a messed up person.

She told herself that as she attempted to justify how negatively she was starting to feel about him. She couldn’t say that she hated him, but she came so close to it. She was angry at him for playing her, for making her start to fall for him only to later crush her with this truth that she found so difficult to come to terms with.

Haein walked in a few minutes later, and it was evident that Yewon was not in the best mood. She was not crying, but she might as well have been.

“Your highness,” Haein said, “are you okay?”

“Not really,” Yewon replied, feeling the tears threatening to fall.

“Would you like to talk about it?” her maid asked with concern.

Yewon shook her head, and in that moment, she let it all out. The frustration and the sadness that suddenly engulfed her led to an endless stream of tears falling from her eyes.

She just felt so lonely and foolish and dehumanized.

Yewon covered her face and just cried as Haein sat at her side and her arm comfortingly.

-

Haein had relayed a message to the royal family that Yewon was feeling unwell, for which Yewon was so thankful. She could not face anyone now after finding out all that she did. All she wanted to do was stay in her room.

Yewon expected Haein to come back after she relayed the message; she said that she would. Yewon had also wanted her to come back. Yewon did not know Haein all that well, but her presence was comforting; she felt like a friend, one that would always take her side no matter what. But Haein did not come back. Instead, it was Wonwoo who knocked on her door and asked if he could come in.

At first she told him she was in no mood to see anyone, but he pled, and she let him in.

The last time she had seen him, he had made the very inappropriate comment about wanting to be attached to her romantically. Yewon told herself that he had only been joking, but she still could not shake the thought away.

“Why do you look so sad, Yewon?” Wonwoo asked her as he inspected her expression. She was sitting on a chair, writing a letter to her brother and had only just stopped crying.

“I don’t even know,” Yewon told him, putting down the quill. “I’m just so tired of my life here.”

Wonwoo took a seat on a nearby chair. “I understand that.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“I know you know about Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Seungcheol told me that you saw them together. He also told me to make sure you don’t write to your parents about it or anything.”

“So you knew about them?”

“A lot of people know.”

“I feel like such a fool,” Yewon said, rubbing her forehead and feeling like she wanted to cry again. She was a fool for ever falling for him, for believing that there had been passion, for ever thinking that she would get a happy ending with him.

“I feel bad for not telling you earlier,” Wonwoo said. “I probably should have, as your friend.”

“I wish you did.”

“It wasn’t really my secret to tell though,” Wonwoo added, and Yewon nodded in understanding.

She then asked about Jeonghan’s relationship with Seungcheol, and he told her the story: “It did start with Solbin. Seungcheol loved her very much, and when she was killed, he only had Jeonghan to remind him of her. Jeonghan smiles like she does, and he even looks like her a little bit. I guess he was just seduced by Jeonghan’s resemblance to her. Personally, I don’t really believe that Seungcheol is in love with Jeonghan or anything. He’s seeing Jeonghan as Solbin, and I wish he would snap out of it.”

Yewon fell silent after learning the story, looking down on her lap and playing with her fingers. She felt powerless in the face of all this.

After a minute of silence, Wonwoo cleared his throat and said, “I’m here because I wanted to say goodbye. Tomorrow morning, I have to pick up some books for the library, and I have to travel quite far to get them.”

“What? You’re leaving?”

He nodded.

“How long will you be gone?”

“Hopefully only a couple of weeks, but it may be longer depending on some things.”

That made Yewon feel lonelier than she felt before, if that was even possible. Who did she have without Wonwoo? He was literally her only close friend in this entire castle. “I’ll miss you,” she said meekly.

“God knows I’ll miss you too,” Wonwoo replied, locking eyes with her.

She felt the sinful sincerity of those words in her bones, and averted her eyes.

“I have something to tell you,” Wonwoo added seconds later.

“What?” she asked, but she was dreading what he would say.

“Yesterday, I meant what I said,” he confessed. She lifted her head and held eye contact with him. He was staring at her fixedly, eyes not leaving hers.

“About what?” Yewon knew what he was talking about, but she just wanted confirmation.

And that was when Wonwoo said it: “I wish it were me that got to marry you instead of Seungcheol.”

Those words made Yewon feel so unhappy. She wished it were him instead of Seungcheol too. She looked at the floor unsure of what to say or how to react to this confession.

The atmosphere was heavy for many seconds; neither said a word. Wonwoo stared at her, and Yewon at the floor.

“I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable,” Wonwoo finally said. “But don’t worry. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be gone, so you won’t have to face me.”

Yewon wished she could just go with him, even more, she wished to run away with him. She couldn’t bear the thought of staying here, of sleeping with Seungcheol only to be impregnated. Meanwhile, Seungcheol would be playing around with his own lover, only using her to carry his child. She wished she could escape all of this, but she was trapped in this political prison that was void of passion.

“I don’t know if you’ll agree to this,” Wonwoo said hesitantly, “but can I ask that I spend the last hours of my time in this palace with you? Come with me to the library. I want to read you something.”

Yewon wanted to go with him, but she knew that Seungcheol would be coming in any minute to finally consummate their marriage. She told Wonwoo that.

“Ignore him,” Wonwoo requested. “I know you don’t like him very much right now, so don’t put yourself through something like that tonight. Come with me instead.” He held out his hand for her to take.

She hesitated a little bit before taking it.

-

They ran into Haein on the way to the library.

“Your highness,” she bowed to Yewon, “what about Seungcheol?”

“If he comes, tell him to wait until tomorrow,” Wonwoo answered for Yewon. Haein seemed puzzled as she nodded her head and watched the two them head to the library at this time of night.

When they got there, Wonwoo took Yewon's hand and pulled her through the shelves until they were hidden between rows and rows of books.

Wonwoo laid a pile of the books on the floor and told her to sit on it. When she did, he went to find the book he wanted to read out to her.

She felt like she was transgressing in that moment. She felt like she was doing something wrong, and she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was because she knew that Seungcheol was expecting her in her room, but it was also because Wonwoo had just confessed to her. She knew she shouldn’t encourage him; she shouldn’t run off with him at night; she shouldn’t make him think that this was okay.

She should avoid him at all costs. She had her honor to protect. But she couldn’t bring herself to relay that to him. As he laid a pile of books on the floor himself and sat on them, she could not say to him what she felt she was ethically obliged to say.

He sat in front of her, a book in his hands. He flipped through the pages, and began to read out a poem:

Sweet and foreign, she would come to me–
Arrives at my doorstep, so cautiously.
I open the door, and in her eyes I see,
that she will never belong to me.
Your heart is the rain, unpredictably it hits,
Doesn’t know caution, doesn’t know wits.
It strikes you with passion, misplaced as it is.
For a girl who is regrettably his.

Rain is a blessing, but it’s also a curse.
Pours until your sentience’s immersed.
Floods your sanity, drives you astray,
Gives you reason to lose your way.

I dream of her touches, I dream of her scent.
I dream of a night with breath well-spent.
I dream of her voice, shattered and sweet.
I dream of the hunger, the love and the heat.
Of her hands and her lips. Her kisses galore.
Wrecked me in sweat and down to my core.

Imagine shall be the one way I deal–
And perhaps write poems with floods of feel.
Skin-tight suffocation hitched up in my chest.
Emotions that madden, scar and infest.
That’s our reality: unfulfilled dreams.
Futile desires that fail in extremes.
Reality is conforming, never breaking free.
Just remaining who you’re told to be.
The world is that which keeps me from you,
And sadly, I am attached to it too.

Wonwoo looked up from the book to see her expression.

“Did you write this?” she asked him.

“I did."

“It’s very beautiful.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I was hoping you would like it.”

It was a poem about her; she was the sweet and foreign girl at his doorstep who drove him with desires that would never be fulfilled. Yewon was touched by the poem, but it left this unhinging empty space inside of her– she wanted him too.

No one had ever written anything for her before, let alone poetry. No one had ever serenaded her before. This was a new experience, to be in front of a person who is reading his heart out her in the most beautiful way. She was touched, but also so unhappy about the entire situation.

“I hate this awkwardness,” Wonwoo said with a slight chuckle, putting his book to the side. “And I’m serious about what I said in the poem. I’m too attached to the world to fight against it. No matter how much I want you, I know you are not mine and I want to keep it that way. You’re my brother’s wife and the future Queen of my country; I’m not going to interfere with your relationship with Seungcheol just to satisfy my attraction to you.”

Yewon nodded in agreement. She was glad to hear it, actually. She was happy to know that she will not transgress further than this with him. They’ve already overstepped many boundaries, and it was reassuring to know that they were retreating back towards safety now. Although she did have a desire to take his hand and tread those extra steps, she, like him, was way too attached to the world to fight against it for him.

Taking their mutual attraction further than this could only lead to bad things for both of them, and for the security of Solen and Galacia.

They read poetry for the rest of the night. Wonwoo read her more of his own; some of them were love poems, others were about war, others about God, others about grief and pain. Yewon would listen, comment and give suggestions. She asked him about some of them, their context and who they were made for. And thus she learned about some of his past lovers, his mother who was a ridiculed concubine and his experience fighting in the war with Galacia. He showed her a scar that he had on the side of his chest, and spoke to her about how traumatized he felt for many weeks after that.

“It’s why I really want peace with Galacia. I don’t want anyone else being traumatized anymore. It’s also why I can’t stand Jeonghan; he just doesn’t seem to care that he’s prolonging the trauma with his violent policies.”

It seemed like Jeonghan was the root of all their problems in that moment...

-

After a long night of reading with him, it was almost dawn. Yewon was just barely keeping her eyes open at this point.

“You should go to sleep,” Wonwoo told her.

“I want to spend more time with you while you’re here though,” she replied through her yawns.

“I’ll write to you,” he promised. “When I get there, I’ll write to you as much as I can. May I ask the same from you?”

“Certainly.”

They walked together back to Yewon’s room, a pile of books in their arms for Yewon to read in his absence. When they arrived at her room, they placed the piles on the table.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you to sleep,” Wonwoo told her. “Sweet dreams, princess.”

“It’ll be lonely without you.”

“You’ll have Haein. Please talk to her whenever you feel lonely. She’s very fond of you by the way, and I wish you two could grow closer so I feel more at peace that you have someone here with you…”

Yewon nodded, and then yawned again.

“Goodbye, Yewon,” he told her, hesitantly reaching out to caress her cheeks. “I’ll miss you.”

“Goodbye,” she replied, locking eyes with him and feeling herself melt under his eyes.

He held her head in both hands and leaned to kiss her forehead. When he pulled away he bowed to her. “Until next time, your highness,” he said, avoiding her eyes before turning around to leave.

Your highness. Those words brought her down from the clouds, from the fantasies that her feelings for him are making her imagine. This was not a romance; this was reality, and the reality is that neither of them would ever fulfill their desire for one another. That desire will now remain buried in their hearts, both of them aware of it, but neither of them acting on it.

When he left, Yewon felt overwhelmed by melancholy. Her feelings for him were magnified, but also repressed even more than before. She was going to miss him, and she was going to think of him a lot.

Romance is not as easy as it was in the novels. In novels, love always prevailed. The couple would go against all odds to be together. They would risk their lives and fight against the world for one another. But this was not a novel; it was reality. In reality, things were not so simple. The mutual attraction between Yewon and Wonwoo could become nothing more than a thought, and their potential romance, nothing more but a dream.

A/N:  what a sad and long chapter. I hope I didn’t bore you with it ~