Sunggyu is in shock.
But not in a physical way.
What he experiences now, a doctor would call an acute stress disorder, caused by the barrel against his head and the fear, he can't deal with.

The drunk... he pulled the trigger.
And let Sunggyu realise in a moment of purest, unbearable fear that it wasn't loaded.
It wasn't loaded.
He put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger, made him fear for his life… and it was all joke to him.
He left him with a smirk, still the drunken stagger in his steps, calling something over to him Sunggyu doesn't hear anymore.
Something like last warning  but it is not really reaching Sunggyu anymore.
His mind shuts down, the fear slowly taken over by numbness.
His body a foreign thing to him all of sudden.
Slowly, his hand wanders to his forehead.
He still feels the cold metal.
His fingers run over the spot, then, his hand falls back to his side.
It wasn't loaded.
A chuckle bubbles in his throat.
Not loaded...

He just put it there to scare him.
The chuckle grows into a silent laughter.
Wasn't loaded…
He bumps into something.
More like someone.
An obscenity thrown at him.
When did he walk back to the street?
Why are there people all of sudden?
It's not like he cares.
He can't care.
A barrel against his head and it wasn't loaded.
People scare people. And it's just a joke to them.
It wasn't loaded.

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

Around 36 hours later.

 

The knocks on the door that Woohyun tried to turn out as good as possible grow louder and more pestering.

" Woohyun! Open the ing door! It have been over 24 hours! We need to report to the police!"

He scoffs into the darkness of the living room he is sitting in.

Where he hasn't moved from the past five... or have it been six hours?

He is not really sure.

Just remembers the first slight nervousness in his stomach when he woke up this morning to Sunggyus side of the bed empty, the dread that slowly set in when he couldn't find him in the apartment. The slowly growing fear when he couldn't reach his phone and the feeling of panic when no one, even the security guards outside, couldn't tell him where he went.

After two in the morning we left for a moment, they had said. Everything looked quiet.

They should have stayed.

They should have stopped Sunggyu when he left the apartment to god knows where.

He was their responsibility.

He is his responsibility.

He looked for him for hours... and soon had to realize the inevitable.

This was Seoul. Not a small neighbourhood, no quiet suburb.

Seoul.

10 Million people and when someone doesn't want to be found you can't find them.

But...

Sunggyu always wanted Woohyun to come to him.

There is nothing in him that doubts that.

Sunggyu wants to be found, he wants to come back.

But something keeps him from it.

" Woohyun! Come on!" Hoya yells once more while hammering against the door.

Woohyun glares at the hallway.

Or he thinks he does.

His body is in some kind of automatic modus.

Kind of... almost numb.

Hoya should have told him about the happenings yesterday morning. Not just after Sunggyu was already gone.

" I'm going to tear down the ing door of you don't open it right this instant!"

He knows Hoya will.

So he gets himself up of the couch, forcing back down another wave of tears when his gaze grazes one of Sunggyus books on the kitchen counter.

This idiot...

This ing idiot...

How could someone bear this fear?

Does he really thing Woohyun is the exception?

The one that is able to?

He is so wrong.

" Good."

Hoya leans into the doorway, the worry and the relief written all over his face. Dongwoo is behind him, eyes red from crying.

" Wouldn't want you to break through my door." Woohyun says with a hollow, cold voice.

" Do you have a picture?"

" Sure."

Woohyun feels it like a heavy weight in the pocket of his trousers.

They never wanted to go to the police.

Possible corruption and the fear  of being exposed stopping them.

They trusted that it would work out but now Sunggyu is gone to god knows where and Woohyun has to go because now what would have put Sunggyu in the most danger is the only thing left to do to bring him back.

Woohyun had waited a day for him to come back.

Silently praying that it wouldn't result in this but it can't be helped now.

" I need to do something before we go."

" What is it?"

" Just... wait for me."

The plan formed in his head when he waited on the couch.

First just a small glimpse in his wrecked up mind, too small to catch.

Then, after he cried himself out to a point where there wasn't any tear left the thought came back to him until it wasn't just an idea anymore.

Sunggyu would be okay with it.

Even if he wasn't Woohyun doesn't care about anything anymore.

He just wants Sunggyu to come back with every fibre in his body.

Sunggyu never looks out of his youtube account.

Woohyun sits down in front of the camera, in the same position Sunggyu always films his videos.

" Hey.", he slowly says when the camera starts recording. " I know you expected someone else when you clicked on this video but... yeah... it's just me."

The tears threaten to fall again.

He forced himself not to look at the desk, remembering how Sunggyu talks to himself while cutting his videos but it didn't work.

" My name is Nam Woohyun and I never planned to do this but... things came up... things I couldn't even imagine and this is where I ended up."

He pauses for a moment before he reaches into his pocket and pulls Sunggyus picture out. There is still  a bit of hesitation left but he ignores it and holds the picture of Sunggyu in the camera. It is one of the many he took when his boyfriend didn't notice, one of those he would be so embarrassed about, but Woohyun loves it. He smiles, outside in the car and Woohyun just had to print it out.

" This is who you call the Masked. His name is Kim Sunggyu. Before this gets out of hand and turns into some discussion about unimportant things: Yes, we're dating.  It wouldn't make sense trying to hide it because I'm a mess as you can see and I don't think I could play the the best friend lie well. I know a lot of you might be not able to deal with that fact and I need to understand that. But this is not about our relationship or something else. So please, try to forget about it."

He needs to take a deep breath for a moment.

It is getting harder and harder to keep the tears back.

" Lately, Sunggyu has been pretty active in the ongoing demonstrations and I know that many of you admire him for that and for the person he is. But sadly, not everyone feels the same. There have many occasions where him and I got threatened. I'm not going to go into too much details about who or what. Just know that it was really bad. We tried to... we tried to manage things because he was worried to go to the police. There are many people with wrong assumptions about him."

His hand with the picture in it sinks down.

It costs him too much energy to keep it up.

" Yesterday night...", there, the first tears start to fall again. " Yesterday night he left our apartment. This is not some lovers quarrel where one left, I assure you that. From what I heard it seems like he tried to help out a friend. But... he never came back home. I can't reach him, no one saw him."

Breathing gets difficult and he chokes on silent sobs.

" I will go to the police now, filing him as missing but... before that I wanted to make this video. Because there are so many of you out of there."

He is barely able to see the camera between all of his tears but once more manages to lift the picture. " Please... if you see him... tell me here, go to the police, kick him unconscious and carry him to me. I don't care. Tell him I'm not mad that he broke his promise...I still hope he is somewhere out there and it is just something small that keeps him from coming back to me. It's just...", he wipes over his eyes, until they sting. " It became so quiet here... I never knew how quiet it was without him. I'm scared it will be like this forever."

 

 

OOO

 

It is a quiet ride home from the police.

Woohyun sits in the back, his head leaned against the window.

Seouls lights pass by. Normally a view that calms him down as soon as he sees it but now the colours seem like a grey blur to him.

As he expected, the police couldn't tell them a lot.

They seemed eager to look for Sunggyu but it wasn't like he expected a wonder.

Dongwoo and Hoya keep gazing at him through the rear view.

" Don't stare at me.", he says without turning away from the window. " And stop thinking what you're thinking."

" We--"

He interrupts Dongwoo. " Don't even think that something bad happened to him. And don't dare to even think he is dead. He is not. I would know."

" I'm not..."

" You're clearly pissing your pants.", he slides lower into his seat. " He'll be back. He said I should always believe in him to come back to me. So he will. He just can't at the moment. He can't! You hear me!"

" You don't need to yell, Woohyun. We know." There is no accusation in Hoyas voice, just pure understanding.

Woohyun touches his cheeks.

When did he start crying again?

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

Hoya and Dongwoo stay over.

They wouldn't let Woohyun stay alone now.

It is evening when Myungsoo and Sungyeol come over. They don't knock at the door but call beforehand. Woohyun would take it bad, thinking it is Sunggyu at the door. Even Sungjong comes over, having been informed by Dongwoo earlier that day.

Woohyun hates it, but he can't send them away.

They act like their attending a funeral, still he can't be alone at the moment.

It is... too quiet.

As he already said.

A sad smile on his face.

Sunggyu never has been famous for being a talker. Realizing that it could be that empty and silent without him. Woohyun would have laughed had someone told him a month ago.

Once more he pulls his mobile out of his pocket, checking Sunggyus youtube account.

The video views already exploded.

He is surprised about how much encouragement he gets, negative commentators almost verbally getting killed in an instant.

But still no one that saw him.

He browses the comments.

" Woah. Listen to this one. Both attractive as . Man... she is not getting the situation but she is right."

He chuckles.

It sounds fake even to his ears.

And why is Myungsoo next to him all of sudden?

" Hyung. Give me your phone and let me look at the comments."

" No... I can-"

The screen is wet.

Why is his mobile screen w--

" Ahhhh.", Woohyun sighs deeply. " I'm crying again?"

And really.

His cheeks are wet.

" Great. I'll have puffy eyes for the next three weeks.", he breaks out into a smile. " Like this I can't make another video. We need to put you there, Myungsoo."

" Hyung..."

" Don't give me that voice. Sunggyu is always doing that when he thinks I'm acting childish."

Yes.

Sunggyu is always telling him.

But now he can't.

Because Sunggyu is not there anymore.

Woohyun tries to swallow. It is not working. The sudden lump in his throat too big.

Sunggyu is not there.

He is not there and Woohyun doesn't know where he went.

Sunggyu is not there...

He reaches out for Myungsoos shirt, grips the material with all his might, pulling the boy closer but not realizing it.

" What am I going to do?"

Myungsoo takes his hand in his.

" What am I going to do without him? He knows... he always knew I'm not good without him. He knew and still his not here. He's not here..."

They just let him cry again, not knowing what to do.

But sometimes things just work out.

God knows why.

As if on cue...

As if his desperate sobs let some higher power petty him enough to help out, ten minutes into his new crying fit there is someone at the door.

Woohyun is on his feet too fast for anyone to react.

He needs to support himself at the wall but his legs carry him, something he didn't expect anymore.

He just knows that is Sunggyu at the door.

It couldn't be different.

Nothing in this world could want him to keep living with this feeling in his chest.

Another knock when he reaches the door knob. His shaky fingers slip off the first try but then he is able to open the door.

More like tearing open it.

And...

Truly.

Honestly.

He is there.

He is there...

Sunggyu is there...

" Hey."

Woohyun clings to him with a power he didn't know he had left in himself. With all his might he keeps Sunggyu close to him, his hands frantically moving over his back, not knowing where to hold him first.

He almost desperately takes his smell in... Sunggyus smell...

Nothing bad.

Just the smell of his skin.

The faint lemon still lingering in his hair from the last shower he took

The feeling of his skin on his.

Woohyun can breath again.

How could he live the past hours without his air?

How could he manage to go through the day without his oxygen?

" I thought I had to be without you from now on!" he sobs into Sunggyus shoulder, having found his voice again.

" I'm sorry."

His voice, his beautiful voice.

"Say something."

"  What---"

" Please speak. Talk to me. I don't care. Please just... let me hear your voice. Anything."

Sunggyus hand on the back of his head, the fingers that softly run through his black hair in the way only Sunggyu can do.

" I love you, Woohyun. And I'm sorry. Please know I never meant for this to happen."

And Woohyun only cries the more.

 

 

OOO

 

 

It takes over half an hour to calm Woohyun down.

Ten minutes to even be able to loosen his grip around Sunggyu and to bring them inside. Another five to get into his head that , no, he is not dreaming and Sunggyu is really there. Ten more for him to make sure that Sunggyu is nowhere hurt and physically spoken alright and another five when he breaks out into another crying fit, back to clinging to Sunggyu.

They let him be.

He needs it.

All of them know Woohyun can't keep it in and to be frankly spoken they are as relieved as their friend. If all eyes weren't on Woohyun someone would have noticed a crying Dongwoo in Hoyas arms in the background but that is a story for another day.

Finally everyone found a seat in the living room, Sunggyu on the ground at the fluffy carpet and Woohyun of course next to him, not planning to let go anytime soon.

He sniffs from time to time, his eyes red.

But even though he doesn't look human anymore at the moment he feels like one again and that is the only thing important.

" I'm sorry, guys. I can only repeat myself. I really am."

It is hard for Sunggyu to look at them.

He feels like .

His head is a big mess.

But it is better now in the safety of their living room, being with his friends, in Woohyuns arms.

It is better for sure.

" Just explain."

Of course Hoya would be the one to be calm first.

The memory comes up once again and Sunggyu leans his head against Wooyhuns, all of sudden needing the additional touch Woohyun gladly gives him.

Sunggyu feels only the worse when he notices the still slight shaking of his boyfriends body.

" I went to Hoyas bar to get rid of the graffiti. I knew from the beginning it wasn't the best idea but I just needed to do something for you because that was clearly my fault. But then... a drunk guy showed up. I didn't notice him until it was too late... until he..", he swallows heavily. " Until I had a gun against my head."

Woohyun stiffens next to him, and would have said something if it wasn't for Sunggyus hand that presses his.

" Please let me finish so you understand."

Woohyun seems to understand the look in his eyes because he keeps his mouth shut.

" That moment... I thought that would be the end for me and then he pulled the trigger... I have never been that scared in my life. But... It was a joke to him. The gun hadn't been loaded and he just left me there and vanished, telling me something about a last warning."

" Bastard...", Sungyeol mumbles hardly audible on the couch, having an arm around Myungsoos shoulder.

" Why didn't you come home?"

Sunggyu shrugs as an answer to Myungsoos question, trying hard not to drown in the fear he remembers so clearly. " I think... I experienced some kind of shock. The next thing I knew I was in Daejeon hours later. In a coffee shop close to the train station, without my phone."

" You still should have called."

Sunggyu glances at Sungjong.

His gaze wanders to Woohyun, his boyfriend still more than close to him, obvious pain in his eyes that are never able to hide any feeling to him.

" How could I? I woke up out of my daze hours later. I didn't leave a message for Woohyun because I thought I'd be back soon... I broke my promise of not going out alone. I thought you didn't want me back. On top of that I got threatened by a gun... this afternoon in the coffee shop I really thought it would be the best to stay away."

He smiles sadly. " And then, hours later when I had already decided that girl showed up and hit me over the head with a menu, telling me I shouldn't be a and move my back to my hot as boyfriend who is crying over the internet because of me. That he said he is not mad that I broke my promise. That moment... I really just wanted to go home. Even though I still don't get everything."

Sunggyu should cry.

Everyone in the room knows that.

He should be able to cry and let out the pressure he had to hold in for the past hours.

But he doesn't.

Maybe he is not able to at the moment.

Maybe he is too tired.

Sunggyu himself wouldn't be able to answer if he asked him about it.

But Woohyun can.

It is different to the times before where he freaked out and wasn't even able to control himself anymore.

This time quiet tears run down his cheeks, partly for him, partly for Sunggyu.

Partly because he is so relieved.

Partly because Sunggyu doesn't deserve any of the things he just heard.

Maybe because he almost lost him and maybe because he didn't.

" Woohyun...", Sunggyu says softly, feeling his boyfriends tears on his shoulder. " I know we talked about this a lot and... we discussed so many times but things are different to me now and... because your opinion is so important to me. Tell me... if I'd stop things now. If I'd never showed up in public again. Would I be a coward?"