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Faded Stars

The Commitment by kwon88in

Genre: Romance

Characters: Yuri + Yoona

Status: Completed

Yuri and Yoona have been in relationship for years, but no one ever mention about getting married or even having a child. But, what if one day one of them wake up and feeling different? One person is ready to tie the knot, while the other feels as though a knot is being tied around their neck.

Notes From Reviewer

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Title (6/10)

It is not a very striking title. I think it is safe to say that your story will not catch my attention and will probably get buried underneath all the other stories.

However, it is very relevant to your story and I like how it is simple and concise, bringing out the core essence of your story.

Description & Foreword (6/10)

Your description is a little confusing. What are you trying to say? There was no context given and hence, I couldn’t form much of an impression of your story. Perhaps you could put in something more to interest the readers because your plot is so much more than the conflict between Yoona and Yuri – you have the dad coming into the picture too. Maybe you might want to think about adding more details to intrigue your readers without revealing everything about your story. Also, try not to use too many questions. They will just confuse the readers instead of intriguing them. It is okay to simply use statements to tell the readers what’s about to happen and make them guess the “Why?” and the “How?”.

Your foreword just comprised the character list, which I think is alright. I’ve seen it in a lot of the other fics too though, so there’s no ‘boom’ factor there. It serves to inform the readers about the characters and their roles rather than to interest them, which I think is perfectly fine, but if you don’t want readers to be bored from just your foreword, you could perhaps paint a complex picture of their roles and how their relationships interlink in a more elaborate way. Maybe something like:

"Yoona, a ballet teacher, is a complete opposite of Yuri, an ambitious business analyst, who prioritises her work over everything else. Their relationship is strained when their opposing ideals show through in their conflicting feelings about marriage and pregnancy. Sooyoung, Yuri’s best friend and co-worker, attempts to help her solve her friend’s relationship problems, but finds that she has too much on her own plate with her own relationship…" and so on.

Additionally, the trailer in the first chapter is very nice and I feel would have attracted more attention if put in the foreword.

Plot (10/20)

It’s a very cliché plot – your typical chick lit – but it’s fine because you’ve managed to make it enjoyable. I get confused sometimes because there’s a lot of things going on that you’ve failed to mention. I will talk more about this in the flow section, but you tend to skim through the important details and elaborate on the redundant parts. Hence, I couldn’t really get the maximum enjoyment I could have gotten out of your story. Learn to withhold some things and spend more time on the right ones if need be. Your plot isn’t confusing enough that you’ll have trouble layering over the details – I have read far more complex plotlines that have been excellently executed so I don't see why you should have any problem structuring your storyline. Learn to plan your story beforehand; write out a timeline of the events if need be. 

Writing Style / Grammar (5/15)

You know how to write and describe the exciting scenes (like the lovemaking scene in chapter 1 - I thought the pacing for that was relatively well done although bordering on the rushed side), but sometimes you get lazy when it comes to the more mundane scenes and tend to simply skim through. The mundane scenes are sometimes very crucial, however, and I would advise you to sit down and think through thoroughly which scenes you need to focus more on because you completely neglect the very important scenes or you rush through them. E.g. Yoonyul’s discussion/argument of getting a baby an