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Faded Stars

Bloodrain by HeirOfMirkwood

Genre: Historical Fiction

Characters: Baekhyun + Chanyeol

Status: Ongoing

Some people kill for honor. Some people kill for love. Others kill for recognition. And then there's Baekhyun, who kills just because he can.

Notes From Reviewer

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Title (6.5/10)

Your title sounds interesting but since you connected the words together, it may give off a strange impression. "Blood Rain" would be a much better idea since "Bloodrain" is unfortunately not a real word.

Description & Foreword (7/10)

The description creates a great impact. It is short, but just enough to make your plot appear mysterious and intriguing and long enough to provide a general baseline for your readers to judge if your story is going to be something to their liking or not. 

The foreword is a bit confusing I feel, as you try to list down many characters at once without giving more than a one-line explanation of their roles. Of course, I am not expecting you to write an essay on their background, and others might find it good enough, but I found myself having to reread the part where you say, “Jongin's father, king of the rebels, desires to overthrow the tyranny of the current king using his pawn-turned prince, Baekhyun. But destiny is the dictator of all. Can Jongin save Baekhyun by turning against his father and confiding with the Royal Army's knight captain?”

Too many unknowns are presented here. Please take note that your reader has absolutely no knowledge of the plot so they would not be able to understand much of what you’re saying. In my opinion, the phrase “confiding with (it should be ‘in’ by the way) the Royal Army’s knight captain” could be omitted. It sounds rather out of place and further confuses the reader as most of us are trying to subconsciously create character links in our heads. Perhaps you should take it slow. Note that the foreword should simply display the main conflict that is about to occur in your story and you can tell all the other details in your story later.

In addition to that, the last statement shouldn’t be a question, though I believe that was simply a matter of syntax or typo error.

Both the description and foreword appear to be relevant to your story, however, I cannot comment much as your story has yet to progress into its main conflict. 

Plot (14/20)

Your plot started off inbetween the cliche/creative side. The way you began the story was quite interesting, however, more details could have been added. The switching over of POV was somewhat intiguing but can be hard to understand. The plot can be slightly rushed at certain times, I'd recommend expanding more on certain parts either latter in the story or right now. Especially "on the new king is coming" and on Chanyeol's relationship with his father. Remember to ask yourself if the ending is predictable or not because your story is leaning closer to the cliche side despite the action scenes. A plot twist would be stimulating.

Writing Style / Grammar (8/15)

Your writing style is developing. I can see that you have tried to instil a unique voice into your writing, however, some sentences sounded a bit awkward.

“He placed the arrow by the string of his bow and restarted his wait.” [Ch. 2, para 4] 

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