05: Falling To Pieces

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces

- The Script, Breakeven

***

Jung Yonghwa's POV

March 23, 2016

The best part of loving unconditionally is that I never ask for anything in recognition to what I have done.

But why is it I wanted to wish for something in this relationship?

Why is it too hard to request for something?

Is life always like this? Tragedy seems to be a payment for loving. 

I had loved Dae Yong as I love Shinhye and Hye Kyo.

I love as how a man should love. I was my father's only son and I follow what my father does and say.

My father thought me two things in life as I see him in action:

Whatever we give to women, it will always be returned by a precious gift; women can make small things to big ones.

The last thing was that a man should carry his love with honor and integrity. If you love out of your ego and pride then you shouldn't be proud since it is not love. 

***

I was doing my last rounds in the NICU or Neonatal Intensive Care Unit before going home.

I'm a Bachelor of Science in Nursing graduate and I passed my licensure exam as a Registered Nurse in Korea seven years ago. Before we moved here in Singapore, I finished my training as a Neonatal Nurse.

It was a tough road for me especially when I was the only one left to take care of Hye Kyo. Just like now, I have three to four days schedule of work a week and I need to finish my shift in eight hours but occassionally my shift is done after twelve hours or so of overtime. 

When Hye Kyo was still an infant there was only my two sisters to help me in taking care of her.

It was still hard because Soojung, my youngest sister, was still in high school at that time so she can only take care of her by night. 

Sooyeon, our elder sister, managed to take care of her for three months when I was on duty and by the time Hye Kyo was four-months-old she can't help but be back as a proffessional dancer.

It was so hard for me because there was a lot of stress from work, the burden of how to provide Hye Kyo the best of the best care, and at the same time I was worried for Shinhye since she was alone in Singapore. 

My mother-in-law helped me with Hye Kyo as she grow up and time fly so fast she was big enough to walk and talk and be silly as a child.

I didn't know how I handle and got through it alone. There was only a few of the people who guide me and I was a nurse I know what to do.

Yet it was tough to be a father and a mother. A lot of things Shinhye could have done for her and me but I was left alone doing the task.

I wanted to blame her but I just couldn't. All I can do is understand and try to reciprocate her feelings.

I cried at those times when it was just me and my daughter left in our apartment back then in Korea. It seems to be always gloomy. It was unlikely before because our apartment back then was bright, sunny and lively.

All what is left to it are two people striving to conquer life as it was just the two of them to survive for each other. 

What kept both of us going was that the love I endured for Hye Kyo and the need and attention she needed from me. 

My work sometimes made me feel sick but I love what I'm doing. It is just my time for Hye Kyo was limited. My time wasn't enough. 

Because of our situation Hye Kyo was independent enough to do what she can. 

At the age of three she can take her own bath and wear her own clothes. She learned to use chopsticks, spoon and fork. She can do a lot of things in her own thought by me and I am honored with myself.

I raised a daughter alone. 

And I don't know why Shinhye can't accept this lovely child. She was the loveliest.

***

6:00 am

I arrived home at last and I rest rest in the living room for awhile.

My shift ended a bit late and I was relief to know I can spend time to sleep. It was tough dealing with infants. Yet they are lovely and as a Neonatal Nurse it was my job to attend to them with patience. They are delicate especially most of them are premature and needs more attention. 

"Daddy you are home! I was waiting for you." My daughter squealed and jump on me. I was used to this scene since we were s