Thantophobia (n.)
- Fear of losing someone you love.

T A E Y O N G

I dreamed of you,
kissing me
I woke up unkissed,

... empty.

Time goes by so fast. I didn’t even noticed people going in and out of my life. In a sudden, I met my classmates who doesn’t even care about me nor my life, but it’s okay. I don’t even care about them as well, but that is, as long as they don’t touch Ten.

Ten changed my life as a person, more than Jaehyun does. It’s like my life has bloomed when Ten came into my life. I got out of darkness because of Jaehyun, but Ten is leading me further until I saw the light.

He doesn’t know who I am, doesn’t even flinch because of my appearance. He’s relying, and trusting me as if I’m not a stranger he met.

Back in my childhood, everyone is scared of me and how I look. It is because of my fierce and intimidating aura. The rumors have gone through the whole class saying that I disrespect, fought and scolded my mom on public which I don’t even remember doing one. I love my mom more than I love myself. She’s the one I can rely to, and her smile lits up my world.

This is the reason why I don’t have any friends. I’ve learned that sometimes, it is okay to be alone, and I think that’s the reason why I have the habit of not smiling. Back then I thought, smiling was showing you that you’re vulnerable. They will abuse you, because you’re smiling, because you’re kind to them, because you’re showing that you can be abused, because you’re telling people to let them use you.

I pity them.

Through years, I hear only fake laughters, fake smiles, fake tears, fake faces, fake people.

Until I met Jaehyun.

Jaehyun was so popular. He’s been popular because of his grades, looks, and attitude. He was getting a lot of attention, and everyone was cheering him up. He’s the friendliest guy in class, but surprisingly, he doesn’t even have a ‘friend’ to call. He’s been approaching everyone, but all of them left him after they got something they want from him. He was the one I don’t like to be. It’s like you have been smiling for the whole time to get friends but in reality, you were just attracting fake people to use you. Just like you’ve been giving fliers, and after they’re done reading the content, they throw you away, because they’re not interested. Crumpled just like the paper, you have no choice but to succumb yourself from reality that ‘maybe’ no one ever likes you.

He tried approached me to go for a lunch, and that was the first time I made a decision. I said to myself, ‘I will accompany him for some time but that won’t be long’,

but now, I’ll say I’m surprised to the result of our friendship.

After we graduated from middle school, we went here for senior high. People using Jaehyun here is normal and was like the part of our everyday lives. It’s their habit. Free tutoring, free ballpens, free papers, free assignments, free projects. Yeah, it’s dumb. I tried to be frank about it and I’m startled to know that he knew it. He’s aware that students are using him but he doesn’t mind it all.

“At least I’m the light when they’re in darkness.” He said. That phrase is the stupidest quote I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s like he let those parasites eat his flesh until nothing is left. Yet, I don’t have the power to at least protect Jaehyun. It’s not my position to defend him, because he doesn’t want me to.

How lonely can this be. I can’t even protect my friend who is suffering.

The second year of studying here. I met Ten, who is lifeless, dark, and intimidating. People here are making fun of him on how he looks; eye bags, lousy back, skinny legs and arms. He looks like a girl who got stressed over her boyfriend and broke him up. Or I should say, he looks like he just got out from a mental hospital. Just like the trees of winter, he’s wilted, dead, or withered. He looks like a corpse that has been rotten since.

Just like me during my childhood days.

He was like me and Jaehyun combined.

Ten avoided everyone, and looked hopeless about attending this class. I can’t keep my eyes off him after I gave my words about the cursed chair. I tried to approach him by opening up a stupid topic, and yet, he respond coldly like the freezing snow of winter. I can see the darkness and dryness through his eyes, and that made me concerned.

That time, I texted Jaehyun to approach him since he’s good at social things. There, I looked back and saw him chatting with Ten. They start smiling, getting along, so I guessed Ten will be coming at us now. It’s okay for me. I do want to save him from the cruel world his in. I felt the urge of talking to him all night long to protect him from people who make fun of him.

He is the representation of myself when I was a child.

I’ve tried to talk to him, and he answers. He opens a topic and we’re going to react. I didn’t know he’s that talkative. No one knows he is, because everyone avoided and judged him already. He is cold at me, he hates me, but he’ll be laughing whenever I crack a joke. Even though it sounds cheesy, he will laugh at it.

Everything I do makes him smile,

But everything Jaehyun does, makes his heart flutter.

At first, I thought it was only filial love. I told myself not to fall, but every time he smiles at me, my mind goes blank. The moment when our friendship messed up, because of his stupid allergies, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been quiet in class, not participating because I’m not in the mood. Jaehyun is, too.

After the girl recites the poem, our English teacher called Ten to recite his in front of the class. My mind went hysterical, because he will be going to recite in front of me, literally, like only two meters away. I paused for a moment, let the sweat dripped down as I felt his presence behind me already.

He went up, but I haven’t heard any utter.

The bell rang. Everyone went outside, left him in front, and in panic, I ran. Watching those two from a far. I did nothing to restore our friendship. In the end, the one that is stupid is me. Not everyone.

Tears fell down watching them resolve the conflict. I’m such a coward. I trembled out of embarrassment and anger. I hate myself for being like this.

One step,

Too late..

He ran out of the room, and I smiled, saying that he’s not okay. It’s only because Jaehyun is his life, and it’s tearing him apart to see him smiling weakly like that.

But instead of answering me, he just grinned.

My heart stopped and I feel looking away just with that. That was the time, I know I fell in love with him..

I was so stupid to ran away after Jaehyun came out beside him.

I didn’t meant to.

I just don’t want to interfere with them. Ten fell in love with Jaehyun. I need to accept the fact that I can’t do more than that. I just need to support him for whatever he does. For Ten, I’m just a chapter.

For me, he is the whole book.

That day, as the sun hides and the moon rises, as the wind became cold and loses it’s warmth. I realized that even if it hurts like hell to say that he’s in love to my bestfriend, as long as he keep smiling at me, I would be the happiest guy on earth. Ten is my happiness pill. The rain after my dry weather.

I want to hold his hands, and walk away from cruel reality. I want to hug him tight just like what they’re doing in the movies. I want him to smile at me, just on how he smiles at Jaehyun. I want us to be together. But I can’t.

I can’t do anything to hold his hands because Jaehyun will hold it first. I can’t hug him because his heart already belongs to him. I want him to smile at me, but I’m not his happiness.

I know I can’t be with him..

But I’m not letting go just like this.

Jaehyun went outside for a second to buy some snacks at the canteen. The nurse is not permitting Ten to go to our class yet, because of what happened. After thinking about this, I need to say what I feel. I will confront Ten that I like him, because when I do, all I can think is how to get rid of my feelings. I need to be strong and I need to erase the coward me inside. I need to overcome this obstacle, even though it’s hard.

I don’t want to let go, but something is pushing me through, because I know, somehow, it will become my strength.

Taeyong, let’s move on.

“Hey. Ten.” I whispered. I sound cold. I think I should be gentler. The thunder roared calmly as I sat beside him. His calm smile makes my heart at ease. His hair dancing as the wind of the fan brushed over him. “It’s stupid.” I whispered.

“Nothing is stupid because you’re the one that is talking.” He smiled. My greatest weakness.

“I’ve been thinking about this lately...” Say it out loud, Taeyong.

“Come on, tell me.” He tapped my back as I became stiffed in a sudden. That was the first he treated me like, Jaehyun. He’s not mad, nor cold.. he’s gentle. Just like my mom pushing me to achieve my dreams.

How can I say this? Expressing myself is the hardest task of my life, it can’t be helped.

My heart beats fast just like the rain that is pouring on the roof. I gulped as I began to be suffocated. I’ve been sighing all the time because I don’t know what to say or where to start. He’s just waiting for me to say what’s on my mind. I took a deep breath, preparing to release the tension inside me. I will be okay.

“Ten, I like you.”

The door was opened.

I heard something fell and as I saw a burger on the floor, rolled. I shifted my eyes to see who it was and I was flustered to see Jaehyun inside, with wide eyes, and mouth open. I’m screwed up. I’m definitely screwed up.

The shadows of him are hunting me, killing me inside by fear. My lips began to tremble as I stare at the ground, worrying.

“I know, calm down.” Ten whispered weakly and Jaehyun began to pick up the burger that fell. He slowly went closer to me. Closer than I’ve imagined. But, he’s smiling.

“NO, GUYS. TEN, NOT THE LIKE. NOT LIKE.. NOT.”

“I know right.”

What does it mean? What does I know right mean?

“The fever wasn’t just a fever and the ghost wasn’t just a ghost, right?” Fever? My mind hopped through the past, recalling what is he talking about, until it halted on that day. When I accepted myself that I'm in love with him.

“Do you have fever? What’s with that red face.”
 “Is it the reason you don’t want me to get near you? Because you’re sick?”

Simple things he can even remember..

.... Well..., It can’t be helped.

I know he won’t answer like I want to.
It’s okay. Our friendship is my everything. It’s all that I want. Our closeness and bond.

I’m contented..

“Thank you.” I whispered.

“I’ll promise to get rid of my feelings right away so we can be friends! Hahahahaha.” He knows my laughter is weak. Something is stabbing my heart.

In panic and by this pain, I ran out of the clinic and walked on the football court. The rain is showering lightly and the lightning flashes too quickly. I closed my eyes to embrace the cold water dripping down my body. My tears are the only thing that is warm. Standing alone in this cold rain brings back many childhood memories. I don’t want to go back but my mind is leaping through time..

“Ey. This is stressing. Why am I here.” I whispered as I tried to dry my clothes. The tears kept on dripping like an ice cream melting too fast in a hot weather. My emotion keeps on building up like a water in a faucet that has no drain. I’m trembling in fear that I might lose the Jaehyun I have, and in pain that I have to let go of my feelings for Ten. In a deep silence,

Someone held my hand. Right timing, just I requested.

I shifted my body towards the person who held my hands tight. Those warm palm, I knew it.

It was Jaehyun.

Tightly, he caressed me in his arms. I feel so weak but still, I tried to be strong. I tried to be cool.

 “Hey, what the f is this.”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered right onto my ear. My eyes widened, and as he utter those words, I smiled. I smile, because at least, Ten will be in good hands.

“I’m doing this for you, stupid. Please tell it to him before it’s too late.”

“Sorry.” Once again, he muttered.

“Aigoo, Fck your rotten apologies. How long are you going to hug me? You’re so gay.” He’s trembling. I know he’s laughing right now. The warmth that he brought makes want to go back in time. He is still the Jaehyun I met in middle school, doesn’t care about his own feelings as long as he can make people happy. He’s giving everything he got to live up on other people’s standards.

“Stop hugging me, or else I might fall with your iness. Look at you, you’re so wet.”

He stepped back, raising his eyebrow as he smiled. “I’m going to change clothes. Please tell Ten I’m okay. DON’T BE SICK OR ELSE I’LL SLAP YOUR .”

“Yes. Mr. Taeyong~” I turned back and ran as fast as I could.

Friendship is prettier than love, isn’t it? It won’t end and It’s worth it.

Going back through the time, I realized on how matured I’ve become. I’ve been smiling everyday, talking to lots of people without minding how they think about me. I feel like a bird, free, flying in the sky with no problems in life to think. From the wilted Taeyong in the past, I bloomed.

Maybe it’s because they’re on my side.

~

Thank you..