Oneirataxia (n.)
- inability to distiguish between fantasy or reality.

I just waited a few minutes to get into a cab. The skies are dim, waiting to be so dark to shower. I have no umbrellas or anything, but I will take the risk of getting wet just to follow him. I have never been this curious in my whole life. I guess I cared for Jaehyun and Taeyong a lot.

To be honest, my priority is to know why they won’t let me go in that hospital. They’ve been hiding it to me. They won’t let me go inside that hospital, because look, if you take it logically, it’s all about me. If it’s their secret, they would say it to me right away just like they did to me when I asked about Hyejin. But then, they’re trying to keep it away from me like it’s a dangerous thing. It’s all about me. I’m sure about this.

I plan on confessing my feelings for Jaehyun. But it is only my second priority. I’m a little bit excited about this, but I’m nervous because of the secrets they’ve been hiding for me.

“Myeongji Hospital.” I muttered. I bought a cake for us to eat and it will also serve as my graduation gift to him. I saw Taeyong walking on the streets as well so I bought him one, too. “Myeongji? The hospital?”

“Yeah, I think.”

“Ah! The hospital. I thought you’re talking about the medical school.” This is the only hospital in the district and it’s far ahead our school. To my knowledge, that hospital was huge for I’ve been there before, I think. It was so fancy that at first sight, it doesn’t look like an hospital at all. It looks like a 5 star hotel. “Are you in a hurry?” The driver asked. Perhaps, he is going to speed up if I say so.

“No take your time. It’s okay to be slow. I’m not in a hurry.” The old man nodded as he kept on driving.

My phone vibrates as I’ve been scrolling around naver to check some news. I’ve been obsessed browsing through my phone for news and entertainments these days.

It vibrates once more, so I already checked it. It’s Hyejin.

“I’m tracking you, where the heck are you going?”

I cannot reply for it’s international text. She’s tracking me? I don’t see anyone suspicious that’s following me. “Sir, perhaps are you working for a girl named Hyejin?”

“No? I don’t know a girl named Hyejin?” Or I must be wrong.

Either way, I’m still heading at the hospital no matter what. I don’t like Jaehyun and Taeyong to hide something from me. The thing is I feel like it’s all about me. The phone keeps on vibrating.

“Idiot, if ever happens I will not help you.” I rolled my eyes. Come on, it’s my fault if ‘something’ dangerous will happen. As if she can predict it.

I’ve messaged her on kakao since I’m also curious to what she’s babbling about.

-Hey Hyejin, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it’s not like I’m going to jump off a cliff. Don’t worry ‘bout me.

-You’re such an idiot. Why can’t you just follow me and do not go anywhere.

-Where should I go then? House? No fun. No fun.

-Stop acting like Taeyong now. I’m not in the mood for jokes. This is serious.

-Okay tell me, is this a bomb warning or terrorism? What? Are terrorist going to bomb the place I’m going to? And where are you?

-Like I would tell where am I?

-Hyejin, you should worry about your ex visiting someone we don’t know.

-Why should I worry about Jaehyun? I don’t like him anymore.

-Just why you’re being so overprotective. It’s not like I’m going to die.

-.]\ My dad is calling me for a meeting. I have to go. I arleady warn you. It’s not my fault if somehting happens 2 yu. Just remember the story you’ve read. IF you haven’t read it yet, read it now. Bye. I hope we meet agian.

She’s very busy. I feel like I have a girlfriend who was asking me where I am, that I should not go there, that it’s dangerous. It’s not like this car is going to crash.

I arrived outside the hospital. It is now showering so I ran fast before I got soaking wet. There are so many people outside, waiting for the rain to stop as I roamed and let my hair dry for a while. Laughters, complains, everything I hear is like our classroom. The scent of petrichor lingered in my nose as I’ve walked inside the hospital that Jaehyun went. I approached the front desk to ask if they know Jaehyun and they take a while to answer yes. They are forcing their smile, looks intimidated by me. “Can I ask what room he’s going? It seems far from here so I might have been lost in the middle of searching him.” I grinned. I heard nurses whispering and staring at me as I’m waiting for the front desk to answer.

“Are-- you..” I raised both of my eyebrows and widen my eyes, asking why and what happened but they chose to be silent. “Nothing. Room 204.” They nod forcefully.

“Can I ask who’s the patient he’s visiting?”

“Ah. That’s-- private. You can ask him though if you can.” I smiled and nodded at the same time. I’ll just go straight to room 204, find him, confess, and ask about what they’re hiding. I can feel he’s here.

I ran in search of the room after I got out inside the elevator. There are only few nurses walking back and forth and that made me think creepily about this hallway. “Goodness, Am I lost?” I whispered.

No, I’m sure about this. The rooms are already in 190s which means I’m near on the room I’m searching for. The cake I brought must be extra cold right now but I don’t care as long as we’re going to eat this together.

Room 204 is just at the end of the hallway, making it looks isolated. The lights on top of me is flickering and looks scary. There are no other patients beside this room and that made it look frightening. My heart beating fast, faster than the ticking of the clock I hear.

Inside of the room was a guy lying down with apparatuses all over his body. I saw Jaehyun staring at him, worried, and frustrated. Even though I can see Jaehyun’s face. I cannot even have a glance of who’s lying down the hospital bed.

I gulped and took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready.”

I opened the door as it creeks. I smiled widely than before as I called Jaehyun by his name.

“Thank you for everything, brother.”

Until tons of voices echoed in my mind like a crowd said those words synchronized.

I got weak, lightheaded as my mind keeps on reverberating those words. My body feels heavy after I got into this room. I sense a dark atmosphere and I’ve not been scared like this in my whole life. It feels like my blood is flowing backwards and my brain is going to explode. The volcano inside me is erupting fears of my soul, as the pain starts to wrap my body, strangling it, caressing till I realize I’m not getting numb.

This is the feeling that I felt when I was talking with Hyejin about my life. It’s like I have 100x worser than migraines, 200x worser than nightmares. There are shadows running in the ceiling and it might be only the part of my hallucinations and imaginations created by the fear inside me. The pain became worse as I feel like I’m being tortured to death and eaten alive.

I fell down, crying for help as my eyes became blurry because of tears that my soul is shedding. Jaehyun’s voice echoed in the room, worried as he ran outside calling for help as well. My body became cold, aches everywhere, muscles starting to tremble and began to be stiff. I’m convulsing. My vision went black for a second, and back to normal, and went black once again. My bones are crashing and I can’t tolerate the pain. My brain hurts so much like it was dehydrating.

Thank you.

I can now rest

Thank you

I can now rest

That is all I can hear. It’s creepy because even though it is my own voice, I CAN’T SPEAK. My throat hurts as if it’s slitting up own it’s own. My neck mysteriously shifting, moving slowly to where the bed is. It’s like someone is telling me to have a glance to what’s lying on the bed. No, I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to see it.

But why on earth my body is moving not according to my will?!

Slowly, I felt my bones cracking and popping as I tried to stand forcefully. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like someone is manipulating me like a doll. The thunder roared so loud as it struck the tree beside the gate of the hospital. Lights turning on and off, flickering, responding to rain drizzling above.

One step,

Two steps.

It was slow but I’m progressing. What am I doing is exactly the mysterious thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. I feel like I’m sleep walking, but with excruciating pain all over my body. It feels like I’m tortured, ripped apart, burned into ashes but still struggling to live. My sweat dripping down like the drizzles of the rain that heaven is pouring from above. I saw my own blood dripping through my nose as it fell on the floor. My legs feels like it has been stabbed with different knives.

Knives?

” The sea witch tells her that in exchange for her ability to speak, she could be human. However, every step she takes will feel like a knife through her legs.”

Relax, Ten, Relax. Okay, what is the story again? The prince should be Jaehyun, but no. It is the mermaid who saved him. Jaehyun is the mermaid because he saved me? No. Impossible. I might be the mermaid because of what I’m feeling right now. Knives,

I can’t speak. I’m shaking. I need to- relax. Don’t panic. Okay back, what is it again? Who is lying in front of me?

I need to know. He or She will be the answer.

Face your fears....

I closed my eyes, held my breath as I halted in front of the bed. My neck felt weak so my head bowed down automatically, I think it was trying to say that I need to see who’s lying. I tried to lift it but something invisible above my head is forcing me not to.

“Hey. I’m in pain, I don’t know who you are. But please leave me alone.” I tried to speak even though it hurts. I feel like I’m talking to a ghost. Tears welled up in my eyes, I don’t know why I’m crying.

Thank you for everything.

It’s my voice again, echoing inside my head.

I gulped, and relaxed my body. I need to see this guy to know what is the connection of that tale to my life.

 I took a deep breath once again after seconds of waiting. The pain is still here, punishing me and I’m getting used to what the pain is doing to my body. I’m not gonna lie, but this will not kill me.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.

I saw a white blanket, whiter than the ceiling of the room, whiter than the walls of the building. My eyes feel sleepy as I scanned every detail I get. He’s pale white, skinnier than me, looks like malnourished.

Going through, even though I feel weak, I tried. Until I finally saw his face.

My tears fell down as I stare at him. Dark eye bags, dry pale bluish lips, I know who is in front of me.

It was me.

           You’ve been through a lot. Thanks for letting me inside of your mind.

“W-What.... am I?” Weakly I asked.

The person in front of me is definitely myself. Is this the mermaid?

           In the story, the mermaid loved the prince, tried to get noticed but then she can’t. In front of me is a guy that can’t speak, can’t move, but is aware of what’s happening. He might’ve fell in love with Jaehyun for a long time but-- he just can’t.

The prince loved the mermaid but it’s just a filial love... It is Jaehyun. Jaehyun saved my other half in the plane after crashing, and he saved this guy from drowning?

And--

sadly, in this story,

I’m the princess?

I can’t move. I’m so confused of what’s happening right now. “I can’t be the princess.”

Two mermaids fell in love with the prince.. My voice echoed in my mind once again, the person in front of me is talking to me like he was my conscience. Have you ever wondered if the princess is a human or a mermaid as well?

No. I don’t.

Then if the princess is a mermaid, there should be a possibility that- no. If the person in front of me is the real Chittaphon that got into a crash, who am I?

“W-Who am I? W-What am I?”

You were a doll. It echoed through my ears. Someone is whispering me but I’m blind.

You were made of human corpse. Formed by a witch who practices necromancy.

I stumbled and fell down after hearing those things in my mind. I don’t want to believe it but my heart and mind accepts it.

This guy in front of me was the real Ten who had gone into an accident and It is not me. I called others as fakes but ironically, I’m the ones who is literally, literally fake.

I disgust myself.

I suddenly felt sleepy, the pain is calming, slowly fading as I closed my eyes wanting to forget everything. This is just a nightmare, right?

Heart beating slow means my anxiety went away. I opened my eyes and I see darkness. Is this hell that they’re talking about? So I died?

In front of me was Ten. I don’t know if it’s the reflection of myself or it’s really Ten.

He’s lying on the cold surgery bed, , perfectly done by a lady.

Perfectly done by the old lady on the intersection of this district. The fortune teller of this district.

I was standing beside him, watching him move, but he won’t.

His eyes are open but it’s dead and there are no signs life. The old lady seemed to be stressed, sleepless over the scientific medical formula she wrote on the board. On the top of it is a sign called ‘The Petrichor Experiment’. I saw Ten’s pinky finger moved, it was the sign that he’s alive.

“You did well, Ten..” She’s calling his name repeatedly, creepily as she his hair. She is smiling creepily, with her eyes widen and pupils dilated. Her hair is dry, and messy.

“By this time, 3:00am, I declare you alive. As Chittaphon will control your mind and cognitive skills, You will be practically dead, pursuing to graduate school and to wake him up from lying for so long in the hospital. Our Chittaphon is wasting time inside and that’s the reason I made you, little dear. You’re the first rain after a period of dried weather. You’re the petrichor of the impossible. You will accept Chittaphon as your half..., even if you’re not a human.”

A light flashed and blinded my eyes until I see nothingness. It was like the sunlight every morning in my room, but instead of waking up there, I saw myself inside of the hospital room I’m inside before I passed out.. We are inside the room 204.

The old lady sounds like she’s talking to herself, but it’s not. Slowly, my hearing became normal after a screeching sound that made me deaf for seconds.

“Chittaphon...., love really makes everything impossible happen. The stitch that I made him, dissolved.. It looks like he’s not been incised. His temperature rose as well.. It’s because of that guy who saved you. Ten falls in love with him. But Jaehyun, he should have known already that Ten is not a human.”

‘I know it could turn out like this. You gave him no emotions at all. I do expect that he’s going to develop it somehow.’

“I know.. I know.. I don’t know what will happen, but are you going to continue manipulating his mind even though you know he is going to graduate soon? You can move his feet and lead him to the intersection.. Just like what you did when you asked me about the necklace.”

‘I want to know more who saved me. Let’s say it that way.. He’s kind and gentle. I can’t leave him behind.’

Chittaphon is using me to know Jaehyun more?

“Our Chittaphon, the possibility of you waking up is reduced into half. Ten became a human already, and that means he sever your mind in half because he’s now aware that someone is commanding him, like a conscience. That way, with your soul half dissolved, I don’t think you can go back to where it used to be, honey.”

‘I lived my life well, grandma. Thank you for trying. I will entrust my life to Ten

For he will continue the things I’ve left here. You can give him my name now. Everything I got should be his. Everything I left should be left on him. I am now a nobody. In the end, I’m just the little mermaid in the fairy tale of life.

Chittaphon Leechaiyakul,’ He stared at me. I was waiting for my grandma to shift her direction and turned back to me as well, but I got no response. I slowly walked towards him but I found nothing on the bed.

‘Jaehyun knew you’re not a human from the start... I just want you to know....’

A beeping monotonous sound is reverberating in my head. It’s a flashback of what really happened to me. I slowly opened my eyes as I saw Jaehyun in front of me. I am lying in a soft and comfortable bed. The rain is calm but it’s still dark outside. I saw the time and it was 4pm but it looks like it’s already 6. “Are you okay?”

“Where is Chittaphon?” My lips tremble after I asked. I’m freezing cold. In my mind, I tried to ask where he is, I tried to get a response from my conscience. But I got nothing. Even a breath, even a sound..

“He

He passed away.

Right after you fell down, he went trembling and the ECG monitor beeped fast. Until it... He’s gone..” I felt a tight pressure on my chest and I’m in the verge of crying. It is raining lightly outside. I feel good that I became a human, but it’s totally mess. I feel good but it’s not but it’s good but it’s totally not.

Adding the fact that Jaehyun lied to me.

“Jaehyun,” I took a deep breath as I stare right into his eyes. “Did you hide this from me?”

It’s silent and I can only hear the humidifier purifying the air. I received no answer from him. “Did you know that I WAS a doll manipulated by the real Chittaphon that has been lying here for a years?”

Still, I get nothing.

I stood up, and he held my hands. “Please let go.” I whispered. I feel he’s trembling right now because of his tears bursting out. “To be honest, I don’t know where will I go, Jaehyun.. My life became confused right now. You, crying like that.. is making me confused more.

Jaehyun, I like you.

I love you more than myself.”

He stared me in the eye. I became silent... “But I don’t know why you’re doing this. I don’t know if I should love you the way I used to...

You know, it’s very confusing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even think properly right now.”

“Please don’t go.”

I smiled. I failed being genuine. I feel sorry for the girl who confessed to me. I’m not real to myself. I smile when I’m hurt, depressed, angry, and such. I have been like this and it’s my nature. I don’t know why but suddenly she flashed through my mind. She’s real than me. She changed for herself, while I can’t even face changes of my life. I can’t even face that I was a corpse back then, made by a stupid experiment.

“I’ll be okay.” I whispered.

Crying I left the room, the hospital, and get soaked to rain. It feels cold just like I used to be. Where should I go?

Everyone betrayed me. Everyone is cruel to me.

           “The mermaid became a human after marrying the prince, but the world knew that she was not a human, and everyone left her behind. The prince tried to follow her, but it was too late. She drowned herself into the ocean, trying to find what’s left for her, yet, she found none.”

I hear car horns and people yelling as I walked on the pedestrian lane. There are no people crossing the road except me, who is alone on the center. People are watching me, not helping, not even crying for help.

I shifted my gaze, and there is a car rushing meters a way.

I closed my eyes.

I had a happy life.