Retrograde (adj.)
- returning to an earlier and usually worse state or condition.

The wind blows very strong, just like the anxiety I’m feeling right now. It’s like I’ve drank a gallon of caffeine and got nauseated by it. It was very awkward. I feel like I’m such a useless person because I can’t even open up a single topic or utter any word. My vocal cords seem to be muted right now and my mouth feels like it was stitched. I think I’ve swallowed a cup of saliva from my mouth because of nervousness. “Are you alright?” YES. Finally Jaehyun cuts the silence.

“Me? Yes of course. Where are we going by the way?”

“Home? Just cross that street and you’ll see my house. How ‘bout you?”

“Just past that intersection. Left side.”

“Oh, so I’m going to head north once we got there?” Why you’re asking me, I don’t even know where you live. "Hey. Hey." He gasped as he stopped walking. I followed his stare and that leads me to a cotton candy store. Should I say, sweets store? There are lots of candies, not only candies but Ice creams as well.

He looks mature but he’s craving for candies? Wow seriously, Jaehyun what are you. “Can we try this?” He’s like a child asking his mom to buy one for him. I chuckled. “Sure, get one. It’s my treat.” I said. He bought two ice creams in a cup and paid for it. I said I’m going to pay it but he insisted.
We’re alone in a quiet street, watching the leaves fall everywhere. It’s spring but because of the wind, it blows everything. We sat down in one of the benches in front of the store to finish eating this ice cream. “How did you get that tag?” I asked. Just to break off the silence.

“This golden tag? Ah, I ace written exams. I'm not good at others, only written exams. See, If you’re good at reciting, keep doing it. If you’re not, focus on written exams and ace them. You can do it. Everything is possible as long as you believe in yourself!”

“I’m not saying I can’t do it. I’m just asking.”

“Wow, you really can’t sense the atmosphere? I’m preaching you. You’re supposed to say thank you!” Well, this guy has a lot of humor. I’ve been chuckling a lot because of his wittiness. I don’t know he’s clever and funny, I thought he’s just a random guy smiling at everyone and greeting them like he owe them some debt or what. My cheeks hurt already because of smiling.
He stared at me and I wonder why. My hair flew back as the wind gently swooshed onto my face.

“This is the first time I've seen you smile..”

My heart skips a beat and my face became hot as he kept on staring at me. He’s waiting for an answer but my mind won’t think of anything at the moment. As my face becomes hot, I’ve started to realize that we’re close to each other. Our legs are bumping, and our hands are only centimeters away from each other. What is this. I’ve never felt this before. The awkwardness, I feel like I want to call earth to eat me alive. My body is betraying me.

“IT IS MELTING!” Jaehyun screamed.

“MELTING WHAT? WHO? WHO IS MELTING?”

“The Ice cream.” Witty Jaehyun. Witty. He almost got me.

“WOW, YOU REALLY CAN’T SENSE THE ATMOSPHERE?!” I gave back what he said to me earlier. I don’t why did I say that. I just felt like saying it.

“What do you mean?!”

“Nothing! Don’t mind it, instead, here.” I gave him the cup. It’s really melting. The ice cream melt at the same time I was melting cause of his stare.

“I want Ten to feed me.” FEED YOU WHAT?! Why do I heard it wrong. My brain needs to find a life somewhere and live by it’s own. And yeah, I’ve noticed that he had done an aegyo. “Feed me. It’s the last scoop.”

“You’re not a child.”

“I’ll be a child, for now.” He opened his mouth. Darn it. I scooped everything inside the cup and shove it right in his mouth. He was laughing. He was so stupid, I can’t even hold my laughter. This is the first time I’ve laughed so hard I think I’m going to die.

“Woah, I’m already tired.” I whispered after we had some fun.

“Oh geez! I have to go somewhere first. I almost forgot!” He stood up and I’ve realized that he’s really tall. I stood up as well and patted my pants because of dusts. I smiled.
“I’m really sorry. Ummmm, tomorrow again?” He yelled as he continues to walk away from me.

“Tomorrow? Ice cream again? I’ll be having a sore throat then.” I don’t bother having a sore throat as long as I’m eating with a person like you.

“Whatever will do! Hahahahaha. Bye!”

He ran away, waving his hand, bidding goodbye as I smiled and waved back. I feel like my bag became heavy after he was out of my sight.

“Oh geez, why the heck I feel so down.” I sighed. The wind became calm as I walked further until I noticed, once again, this old looking type of store.

Look, if you walk past north, you’ll see Jaehyun’s house, but I don’t know what it looks like anyway. If you walk west, you’ll see my house. If you go south, you’ll be seeing my school. It has a huge arch so you’ll probably won’t miss it even if you’re walking.

If you’re heading east, the first thing you’re going to notice is this old type souvenir like store. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but every time I’m heading into this intersection, the first thing I’ll notice is this store.

I am currently staring at it now, curious what would I see if I go there inside..

“Hey.” AND QUEEN OF GIRAFFES, I ALMOST GOT A HEART ATTACK.

“Sorry. What ya doin’?” It’s Taeyong. It’s already 5:20pm, he should be in his home right now. “It’s already late. Aren’t you going home?” I glared at him for scaring me, but then I don’t have time to have a fight with him so, I pointed out my fingers straight to that store I was staring for. He shifted his head and searched for it.

“Oh, that...- Well, since you’re from Thailand, I’ll tell you everything about that. I’m hungry, let’s eat something.”
 

Seriously, this guy?

We took a cab and headed to the east where the malls, restaurants, hotels, and various parks are located. Taeyong seems to be quiet in nature but can bully someone whenever he feels like it. When we were in a cab, we didn’t talk. He was busy scrolling his feed on SNS and posting everything he likes.

After a minute we already arrived at a coffee shop (which costs a lot of money). I like coffee, but you can’t bring me here. This is a luxurious place to eat where the size of all foods are tiny but costs a lot. I feel like eating the plate as well, because of the price.

The cold air-conditioned room makes me shiver as I walk past through the cashier to find a seat. “Ten! Your order!” he called.

“Anything as long as I’m not paying.” I grunted. The coffee shop wasn’t crowded. Instead there are only 10? or 7 people sitting here.

“Ten! Here!” A deep voice echoed in my ear. Is it just me? I've been hearing a lot of voices in my head

No.

Someone is calling me but I think it was just a random classmate whom I’m bothered talking to. Don’t shift your eyes, Ten.
“Ten! Come on!”

To my surprise, It’s Jaehyun. He smiled at me. Still his charm is killing the girls around. I went near to him and the girls are now murmuring and a bit scared. Scared of me of course, who else. “Taeyong invited me here.” he says. I’m not smiling and I’m keeping my poker face because I’m not used to people talking back at me in front of a person I know or I’m close to.

“The f-, he’s with the hot guy.” 

“Darn he look so pale. He’s like a--” corpse yes.

“Why he’s here? He should be in a cemetery.”

“Bet he has a lot of friends there.”

“But he’s perfect. Perfect for halloween! Hahahahaha.”

“And you’re perfect as the main dish.” I quickly look back, scanned the shop, until I found Taeyong with his dark eyes fixated at the girl that was firing me. His deadly stare can definitely melt a girl’s heart, I guess, so it won’t work for them.

“Who are you?” The girl with a long chestnut brown hair replied. She was the one who started talking things.

“I’m a friend of that hot guy that you’re staring for, and that corpse? Yeah. The hot guy right there is a necromancer. He revived him from a deep slumber underground. We can try for you if you want. Just lie down and I’ll make a slit on your neck and we’re going to revive you--“

“What the f- are you saying!?” The girl yelled. Her friends are chuckling because their friend almost believe in it. “Come on girls!” With that heels, clothes, hard make up, Taeyong is bumping a rich girl.

After they went out, he sits down in front of me. Jaehyun and Taeyong are sitting right next to each other. “Thank you.” I whispered and Taeyong looked at me. My face was just like, Umm what?

“Ten, it’s hard. She’s really hot.” Jaehyun giggled on what Taeyong have said.

“You’re really into girls, aren’t you?”

“HEY! That was rude.. to say.. I’m.. not.. I guess?”

It’s calming to see them playing around like a child. I feel like they’re changing my personality and perspective right now.

I never felt the cold room anymore for I am already warm. I feel like I’m already alive from the dry person that I’ve become.

“OH! TEN IS SMILING?!” Taeyong yelled and everyone stared disgustingly at us. He's simply noticing everything. Every single thing I do is a big deal to him. Jaehyun smiled on me and I smiled back. I feel relaxed. “HEY YOU’RE RIGHT! HE’S PRETTY WHEN HE SMILE!”

“What the f- is that Mr. Taeyong.” I gritted my teeth. Jaehyun laughed and slapped Taeyong's back.
“You should say handsome, not pretty.” Jaehyun corrected him.

“Pretty is for the guys who look like flower blossoming every spring. Handsome is for those guys who look manly as f. Hot is for those guys who look manlier than handsome guys. Know the difference, Mr. Jaehyunie.”

“So, Ten is pretty? What am I then?” Jaehyun asked Taeyong.

“Since Ten smiled and doesn’t look like a corpse anymore, let’s ask him.”

Okay. What?! Me?! “Hey mister Ten I-don't-know-the-surname, Jaehyun is what? From Pretty to Hot. Rate him.” Taeyong smirked. I am completely speechless and I don’t know what to say. To be very honest, Jaehyun has everything. I admit it, he’s perfect, but right now, no words are coming off in my mouth. “Hey. Like I even care about my looks.” Jaehyun whispered.

“Tsk, oh anyways, Jaehyun told me to take you home but I got hungry on my way so I took you, and Jaehyun here to have a dinner. It’s my treat. So yeah, while we’re waiting for our food, let’s talk about the thing you saw earlier.”

Now, anxiety is building up on my head. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows, asking Taeyong what it is but Taeyong just silenced him.

“Well, you know. It’s odd. I think I’ve been noticing that, every time I’m walking down on the intersection. It’s just like an old fashioned type of store and I know there is nothing special to it.”

“AH!” Jaehyun reacted. “The fortune telling store?! Where there are lots of dolls and charms. It looks kind of old, so in a modern district like this, it is very unusual to see places like that. I’ve been noticing it before but now I got used to it.” He smiled. “Do you want to go there? We still have time.”

Taeyong nodded and looks like I have no choice but to go.

Once again, we rode a cab after eating and arrived at the intersection where the store is located. It’s still open. Weird because it’s already 9pm.

Inside, there are some talismans and dolls displayed. The dolls aren’t that creepy. It’s beautiful and perfectly made. An old lady from the cashier started to whisper.

“Good evening, folks. You’re free to buy every thing because he’s with you.”

“He’s with us?” I whispered. I’m definitely having goosebumps right now. I looked around to see who’s that ‘you’ and the only people with me right now is Taeyong, and Jaehyun. The customers were far from us. Yes, there are customers so there’s nothing to be scared about. I pinched Jaehyun’s shirt and as he turned back to see if I’m scared, he smiled.

“Do you have charms to spare us?” Jaehyun muttered. He’s definitely not scared. The thing that’s funny is Taeyong. He’s cringing on my bag right now. “Don’t look at me like that, Ten.” Taeyong whispered.

I shouldn’t be scared because there are customers trying out some necklace behind us.

But still, just staring at this old lady’s eyes, it makes me nervous.

She then stood up, get some charms in the backdoor, I guess, and gave it to Jaehyun. “It’s free right?”

“Yes yes. It is also based on what I read.”

“R-Read?” Taeyong showed himself from hiding behind me.

“I read your minds. Every customers coming here... I’m reading their minds.” She creepily smiled. “For you,” Jaehyun smirked. Jaehyun is always smiling what the heck. I think it’s his politeness but I would not definitely smile at her. “A water droplet necklace for you, young guy. I see a pure motive in your eyes.”

She walk straight to me. My knees felt weak. “A tree necklace, because you’re starting to be free. You’re growing like the highest tree on earth.

And for you.” The necklace looks like it was cheaply made. Well, it’s just a talisman anyway. The old lady gave Taeyong a fire necklace because he is full of passion. Yes. Full of passion. Yawning at class? Passion? Nah.

After we got our ‘charms’, we roamed around and have a chat to some customers and they said that those talismans are really working.

I sighed after we got outside.

“She’s a fraud.” I said. Everyone laughed.

“Yeah, she does, but she really looks like a witch from horror movies.” Taeyong whispered. He’s still shaking cause of fear.

“Fake or not, at least we got some for free! I don’t know why she’s giving it for free but it’s nice. The necklace looks great though.”

Jaehyun is believing that fraud, I’m sure. He was staring at those necklace like it was a gift made by his girlfriend. Whatever.

I went back home, and again, I’m alone here. I didn’t even know why I got here and why I have this luxurious house. My first memory here in Korea was when I woke up from a deep sleep inside my room. I saw my uniform, hanging in my closet, and that’s all. I woke up from a sleep. I remembered that I studied in Thailand but I didn’t remember going there. I just feel like I lived there for some time. The day after I woke up, I also knew when will be the first day of my class. I don’t even remember enrolling.

It’s weird and it creeps me out when I think about it.

If I will list the things I only feel knowing but deep inside I really don’t remember, it would be:

1. Lived in Thailand but I don’t remember living there.

2. Uniforms, I don’t remember buying them.

3. School, I don’t remember enrolling there.

4. Mom, I remember mom died in a plane crash but I don’t remember when.

5. Dad is the one who’s giving me allowance for school. But I don’t remember his face.

6. My name is Ten, but I feel like my real name is Chittaphon.

7. I know I’m 18 years old but I don’t know why.

8. I remember my birthday, but I don’t remember celebrating one.

9. I'm living here at this house but I don't remember since when.

10. I've been here for a while but I've memorized this whole district.

I don’t remember everything before I got here.

I just woke up.

The internet says it is a Retrograde Amnesia, but I don’t remember having a trauma or got into an accident?

As the time passes by, the more I am getting curious to what my life has led me. I’m getting inquisitive about the people around me. Sometimes I’ve asked myself, ‘Maybe I’ve seen them before I woke up.’ Or ‘Maybe they’re the ones who put me into sleep and forgot everything.’

Maybe I’m really psychotic back then. So they’d forced me to drink drugs for me to have an amnesia?

Oh that’s terrible, that won’t happen.

But yes, for me, past is not past. I feel the urge to find myself,

Because I don’t know who I am. I just know that I’m here, living my life away from reality.