Atychiphobia (n.)
- fear of not being good enough.

“Okay class. Things have been quiteeeeeeeeeeeee interesting right now.” Our homeroom teacher was ready to announce our grades after our exams. Jaehyun wanted to help me ace everything this time but I declined the offer. I want to do this without them. I want to ace the exam by myself. If then, I will not worry about their grades as well, because you know, they might have been teaching me all the time but they had no time to review for themselves. That time I insisted that I would be the ones reviewing for exams. It’s my fault if I failed. It’s my achievement if I passed.

I’ve struggled so hard in this month. Emotionally, Physically, and of course mentally. I’ve read bunch of textbooks, lost my sleeping pattern, got weak everyday, and I developed something - my eye bags. I bought a laptop last week for me to type the notes that I’ve written. My technique is when I memorized everything, I’ll put it in my laptop without reading or basing in my textbooks. By doing so, I can check if I learned something or not.

I felt my adrenaline flowing this month. It was a great challenge.

“Some of you got lazy, and some of you excelled. Of course there are times that we feel lazy, but you’ll regret it after, of course. Here in our school, ranking system is very important. We treat the grading system like the status of your life here. I know some of you guys that almost failed, received criticisms from other students. The stares that you feel like stabbing, and the words that you feel poisonous once spitted out. For thrice, or for a hundred of times, I will say this to you guys once again.

It is not I, who make your grades. It is you, and it is-- what you deserved.

HIHIHIHIHIHI, I will get the name tags now at my office, just wait for a bit.”

This is teacher just had a Valedictorian speech. I want to give her a warm of applause. /sarcasm intended/

I was staring at the window, again, bored for reality. Chalk dust flying around the classroom and that is the reason why I often shift my face outside for me not to inhale those. My body feels like I’ve run kilometers without rest. The feeling that the exam days are done and you want to rest your mind but the school doesn’t let you, because they’re already done computing your grades and now you can’t do anything but to wait for your death.

I switched my stare to Jaehyun and he was staring at his phone. He might have been computing his grades or what, I don’t really care. I can observe Jaehyun all night long, 24/7 without getting tired.

“Hey Ten, What tag are you wishing for?” The guy in front of me asked. I’ve been quite lively since I met Taeyong and Jaehyun and others are used to talk to me especially nonsense topics like, ‘We’re planning to go to Thailand, Ten. How’s the country’ or ‘You should be the next president of this school because of your deadly stare but warm heart’. They’re treating me like a human now.

“I’m okay with White ones.” I said.

“I’m expecting for it too! Goodness, hope the highness above help me.”

“They will.” I smiled. “Hey Jaehyun, which tag are you wishing for?” He became startled. He’s nervous, I can read his behavior.

“Anything will be fine. I deserve what tag I’ll get.”

“What a nice answer, you have. It helped me a lot. Thanks.” I winked and rolled my eyes after. He winked in return. I tried to ignored that but I just can’t. I bit my lower lip and avoided his gaze.

A minute have passed and our homeroom teacher came back with boxes. It’s like medal boxes but it’s not. The black boxes, inside of them are the gold tags. The gray boxes, inside of them are the silver ones, the blue boxes - the white ones, the red boxes - bronze tags, and the brown and just those normal piece of cardboard boxes, are the black tags.

Our teacher’s assistant left the classroom after helping her with the small boxes. Everyone is nervous, I can tell.

“OH MY HELP ME.” One at the back, in our row, screamed.

“No one will save you now, Miss Park. HA HA~ Okay, I should start with the golden tags. The names I’ll be calling will be going here in front.” The heck? She can just say the names of those who got golden tags or be it alphabetically. She’s having her time wasting, treating this class as a pageant or what. What a waste of effort. “This is random, not in order yet.”

“Oh! I’m surprised.” She muttered.

“Lee Taeyong.”

I opened my mouth bigger than crocodiles’. I was shocked, and stunned. Jaehyun was proudly clapping. He even stood up to support his buddy. Everyone is startled because the Taeyong we know, is not showing that he’s striving hard to aim a high grade. “DO NOT BE PROUD THIS IS RANDOMIZED. MAYBE TAEYONG IS THE LAST FROM THE GOLD TAGS.”

At least he moved from being a silver tag, which was hard.

“That means, someone went down from a golden rank.” The girl in front whispered. She has this soft voice, but I clearly heard what she said. There are many tags, though. I don’t think someone went down.

“Ten Leechaiyakul.” Everyone screamed and smiled. This is the first time I saw the class cheered on me. I’m happy, but I’m worried for Jaehyun.

Five students have been called and still there is no Jaehyun.

“Hmmm..

That’s all for golden tags. I won’t be saying their official rank but they got into it so just see their grades posted on the website.

For silver tag.”

“WHERE’S JAEHYUN?” Taeyong exclaimed. I was startled when he screamed. He’s scary.

“Wow, Mister. I don’t know. Maybe in silver tags?”

I quickly shifted my gaze at Jaehyun and he’s smiling. Waving his hands, sitting there. I was speechless. He has been in the golden ranks ever since, I didn’t expect him to go down. For sure, he too. For sure he’s disappointed at himself.

The only thing he could do is to smile. He’s been supporting me every time. He’s been there when I feel like alone. Now, he needs help, no one is there. Even the whole class doesn’t bother ‘bout him going down. Taeyong and I are only the ones worrying about him.

Fakes.

They only need Jaehyun when they need something. After that, they just left him behind. I just hate it. I hate those people who only take advantage of him. I’m tired of this.

Jaehyun doesn’t deserve this.

“Ma’am, I cheated in the exam.” I whispered. Our teacher walked in front of me, face to face as I bowed down in embarrassment. I didn’t cheat. I just want Jaehyun to move up from silver rank.

“WHAT?” Jaehyun stood up from his seat. “What are you saying?” The class are shaking their head in disagreement.

“Ma’am he’s doing it for Jaehyun. He’s belittling himself right now thinking that it should be Jaehyun who has the golden tag, not him.

Am I right?” It was the girl who was former a top student that recites the poem about birds birds and her dream. What a nuisance.

“Sorry, Mr. Ten, but, you’re A+ and Jaehyun is-- I admit. A+ but you’re higher. Hmm if there is an A++, you’re there. Taeyong is A+++, if so.” Jaehyun is signaling me to shut up, that he’s okay. I don’t think so. My back, once again, is burning. But this time, it was my lower back.

I sighed out of anger. Why the heck I can’t just do anything right now when others need my help?

After I got into the seat, I logged in my account in the website of the school with my school ID number and password. I’ve searched our section to see whether it’s true or not and what I saw was extremely humorous.

Taeyong got an average of 95.04%. I got 95% and Jaehyun who got the an average of 95.96 last quarter, got 94.98% now. Point Ninety EIGHT.

I SWEAR THIS SCHOOL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO ROUND OFF.

I was pissed and I think my nerves are showing in my temples right now. I am gritting my teeth out of anger. I was also annoyed because the top one is the most boastful girl in class. She’s a narcissist gal who kept on pointing out that she got this because of herself. Her average? 95.10%

It’s only a matter of points. What is the point.

“Take it easy. I’m okay with that grade.” He stared, worrying about me.

“You know, she doesn’t deserve that position. You should slay it next time. I won’t let you be in that silver tag again.”

“Silver tag is fine. It’s still in the 90s. I don’t bother.” I can’t even calm. Maybe it was Jaehyun’s fault that he didn’t study well this time but--

Yeah, It might be his fault but personality wise, I DON’T GET IT WHY IT IS NOT COUNTED.

Homeroom have passed and other subjects went fine. Professors noticing about the new tags that we’re wearing, saying that we deserve it and such. “You know it’s not the end if Jaehyun got silver tag. I was once in a silver line but you know it’s okay. People are still treating you like in the gold ones.” Taeyong said. He doesn’t get me.

“Taeyong, it’s not the treatment. It’s the unfairness. .98? They should have do some round offs with that. Or the teacher should give credits about him participating in the coffee shop last program. Compared to that girl who got everything without even participating in class. I don’t know what sorcery she did. She might be cheating.”

“Come on, let’s concede.Why you’re obsessed with Jaehyun’s grade? Why don’t you mind minding about your grade to catch me up?” He smirked.

“I don’t like competitions. Making me sick.” Jaehyun is watching the two of us argue while we are eating our lunch here. I’m just glad there are no bullies who are bullying Jaehyun right now or else I’ll kill them with my own hands.

After we’re done eating, we prepared for our next class.

Hours passed by until the bell rang. Jaehyun seemed to be serious after he got the silver name tag. Maybe he realized where he lacks of, or maybe he’s disappointed because of what he got. It’s been a quiet atmosphere since as I grabbed my bag and prepared to leave the classroom. Taeyong asked me if Jaehyun is coming with us but instead, he smiled and ignored us. “Jaehyun is really the guy that puts a lot of effort on his work.” Taeyong sighed. “I’ve watched him reading textbooks late at night in his dorm.. Goodness, I feel like he’s not enjoying studying.”

“Really? Why do I feel like the opposite? I think he’s enjoying his time studying and acing his exams. I can’t see any stress or pressure on him. To him, everything was easy.” Taeyong stopped walking for a while.

“If you have been inside of his dorm, you’ll know what I mean. Anyways, I have to buy something. I’ll leave you here.” I nodded as he ran towards the gate. I’m all alone now. I want to approach Jaehyun but I think he needs some time by himself. It’s been dull after the grades was announced. The sky is dark, maybe the weather shows what Jaehyun feels right now. I think it is going to rain. Glad I bought an umbrella. I should wait for him to come down so that we can walk together.

I’ve been sticking some kind of letters inside of my locker before I go home from school. It’s a letter about Jaehyun. Well it’s like a diary, but it was my diary with Jaehyun and how I feel about him. I’ve been keeping it inside of my locker because I don’t want to give it yet or let him read it.

“Hey, Ten? Waiting for someone?” I was startled after I heard the voice of my classmate.

“No. I’m just arranging things here. You’re going?”

“Yeah. I have piano lessons to take. I have to go! See you tomorrow.” He waved his hand and bid his farewell.

I thought it was Jaehyun.

I sat in front of the lockers, leaned my back towards the wall, and torn a piece of paper inside of my notebook. I held my pen tightly and wrote:

Jaehyun,

You’ve been disappointed about your grades. I can feel it. You would be laughing if I tell you that I can smell if there is wrong or not, if you’re genuine or faking a smile. I’m born with this power. Believe me. Hahahahaha. Please take things easy and don’t mind about the tags.

I sighed and grinned as I sticked it with a tape inside my locker. I read the past letters that I’ve wrote and laughing everything right now. It was very embarrassing yet fun to read this type of thing. I would recommend you making a diary. It’s fun!

“Hey. It’s already 5:30.” The guard tapped my back.

“But Jaehyun is still inside of our room?”

“I’ve roamed the halls. No one is lurking inside the classrooms.” What?

I ran and searched for him inside the classroom that we own and didn’t saw his presence. No bags, no shoes.

“The heck did you go?” I whispered as the rain fell down from the sky. I’m worried.

Jaehyun’s POV

Maths. It was the math the brought me down. What should I do after I got this. My dad would definitely beat me up if he saw this. Should I stay at my dorm? Should I stay at Taeyong’s? Should I stay at Ten’s? I don’t know where to go.

The rain is pouring down in my head and I’m soaking wet. It was cold and I don’t have an umbrella. I don’t care. My brain is even colder than the weather. I think I’m going crazy.

I’ve lost my golden tag, now, I don’t know what will happen to me. I’ve been walking slowly worrying about how things will turn out and if I let him see my grades, It would be the death of me. Where did I exactly go wrong? I have been making it to the top since. Why.

I let out a sigh and try to relax. “Everything is okay as long as dad wouldn’t know...”

As long as dad wouldn’t know.

But he’s here.

Speaking of the devil.

I was in the intersection when I saw him drinking another soju. He’s a drunkard wasting his life and time and money over soju. This is the reason why I don’t want to go home. My mom is in America working hard for me, but then she didn’t know my dad is not working. Or maybe he is working, but only spending his money on sojus. He wanted me to study hard, because if I do, Mom would still be sending lots of dollars to him. Else, if I didn’t cooperate, he would strangle me till death.

And now I’m wearing one right now. He’d definitely kill me.

He is my biggest phobia I’ve ever had.

“Hey. What’s that face.” He is swaying. He’s drunk. Like a chandelier swinging as the air blowing him. “Hey.. Hey, what the fck is that thing, btch.” Everyone is staring at us right now, this is scandalous. I need help. “What did I tell you, rotten as-hole.” I’m shaking as I stepped backwards. I have the desire to run but my feet are stuck. “What did I tell you?..”

“To stay on top.”

“Now what’s that thing on your uniform? What’s our deal, fcker. WHAT IS OUR DEAL?! WHAT THE FCK IS OUR DEAL?! YOU BROKE THE PROMISE MOTHER FCKER.” He’s yelling so hard and I can’t even fight. I can’t fight back. I can’t move, intimidated by his stare. He’s like a dog barking over a child that has a trauma of rabies. Like a lion roaring, frightening people to get out of their territory.

My tears slowly dripping just like the rain in the sky. The heaven is crying with me.
He grabbed my collar and spits to my uniform. “YOU’VE BEEN ON THAT PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOL GETTING SILVER TAG, WORTHLESS BASTARD.” He pushed me away and I stumbled. I fell down, getting support from the post. Everything I hold seems to be cold.

He kicked my side so hard that I can feel that I will puke blood. He kept on kicking me, trashing me, spitting me. No one is helping me. No one knew who I am and who he was. No one wants to bother.

I’m a dead corpse.

I’m the dry land, waiting for rain to come even though it will take forever.

It’s funny why I think of him even if I’m in a situation like this.

My sides are painful, my arms are having scratches, yet I still remember our laughs. I want to see him smile before I get killed by my dad.

“I will kick you until the cars wreck you here. DO NOT EVER SEE ME AGAIN.

STAY ON THAT BOY THAT IS IN THE HOSPITAL. GO THERE UNTIL HE WOKE UP BECAUSE THE FCK LIKE HE WILL.”

“H-He will.” My voice is raspy as I kept on spitting blood on the street. I searched for someone whom I can call for help but there’s no one walking. “He will wake up.” I whispered, agitating him. “I believe he’s alive.... He will be alive.”

“HE WILL NOT. BUT GO WASTE YOUR SHT OVER THAT ROTTEN CORPSE. FCK HIM. FCK YOU FCK YOUR MOTHER.” This time, he was about to beat me with the bottle. I closed my eyes. I know this will be painful but I have to bear with it. Since, pain is my middle name..

It’s funny when you get hurt so much and all you can say is “I’ll get used to it.”

I’ll be unconscious. God might help me to survive but I want to sleep. I want to die.

The rain stopped in a bit. The wind stopped blowing the streets and it became quiet. Few seconds later,

I heard the glass shattered. I was looking down when I opened my eyes and I saw the shards of glass that was scattered through beside me. In front of me was a guy.

I still can’t get up to see who it was. Lying on the floor, I shifted my stare up to see who it is.

It was Ten.

He was shielding me from my dad with his right arm. Lying still, I saw the blood dripping on his shoes but wiped away by the rain that once again went strong. I panicked and looked at his face---

And that face..

That face is the face that you wouldn’t like to see at your enemy.

His eyes was dark but I feel like it’s burning. That is the stare I haven’t seen before. It’s the glare that everyone was afraid of seeing. I heard my dad’s footstep, stepping back. That leer made my dad scared. I kept glancing on him: on how the blood is dripping on his arm, on his shoes, on how he’s glaring through my dad. I feel the bloodlust. The desire to kill. He’s like he wanted to torture my dad and condemn him to hell. I can’t move, petrified on what I’m seeing.

Dad’s eyes widen because of shock. He dropped the cracked and ruptured soju bottle that he scourged on Ten’s arm. He’s trembling cause of fear. He want to scream but he can’t

“H-Hey.

 I-I know you.” Dad’s voice is stammering. Ten is still glaring at my dad. “Hey.. Jaehyun.. Hehehehehe..

It’s the boy..

In the hospital.”

The cops arrived and the scenes became fast. The rain stopped. The cops handcuffed my dad and talked to Ten right after. I got myself up to confirm if Ten was okay but he just nodded and grinned at me as he was talking with the police. I don’t know how they got here, but as I watched my dad getting hysterical about Ten, I felt someone is watching me.

I glanced over the shop that we went during the first day of the class, and was shocked to see the old lady staring at me.

She was holding a phone. She might be the one who called the police. She then smiled at me. It’s still dark. Her smile is dark.

“Boy,
           you’re hiding something, right?”

Her voice echoed in my mind, and oddly, I nod. I, then, looked back at the store, but now,

No one is inside.