Maybe it was my widen eyes. Maybe it was the fact that after a period of 13 seconds, I haven’t taken my second sip. Either way, Wheein is standing in front of me, spilling absolute white noise, explaining something. Yet my gaze fixated as that woman had the audacity to link arms with the only man I could love. Ajusshi is my Ajusshi.

Shifting Wheein aside, I took my strides towards them. For a brief second, I mocked at the scene that I’m playing out. I seem to be always taking angry steps towards her. This lady, this path of life that we now both walk on, is driving me wild.

‘Ajusshi.’ I called out in a stern voice. He turns around like the gentleman he is. Those soft and evidently weary eyes gazes upon mine. ‘Moonbyul.’ He replies with an affirmative tone. The way he says my name with conviction and sincere acknowledgement of my presence. Tension rose in the small walkway that connects the main café to the kitchen. The woman stood and shifted her weight awkwardly from the left to her right leg.

As she sways ever so slightly, that mere millimeter to the left then nullified when she shifts to the right, all those wide movements that brings my frustrations to new heights. A finger flies and points squarely at her finally still body. The finger descends with Ajusshi’s grace.  ‘It is rude to point. She didn’t have a place to stay. Hyejin suggested being kind. I am a nice man so I agreed. Nothing has changed.’ He speaks in such a calm tone. Something so different than what memory serves a man’s voice is like in the morning.

It is not about change. It is about keeping a pattern, one of predictability, a lifestyle that I could exert control over. A moment of impulse does not provide any discount on the consequences. Suddenly a pressure could be felt on my left forearm, I turn to face the source of the heat. ‘Ms Moon, I am sorry to impose an inconvenience to you.’ The idiot speaks in proper sentences. My hand retracted and gained its rightful place by my body. At the corner of my eye, I noted that Ajusshi had judged, shook his head and left. Somehow he had derived at the conclusion that I would act in accordance to his prediction.

‘I…erm…’ she hesitates, ‘I share an apartment with him. It was not appropriate to return last night. Ajusshi and Hyejin kindly suggested that I could take the old guest room upstairs.’ She pauses and cautiously raises her eyes to meet mine. ‘Stay. Don’t stay. It’s the old man’s flat.’ I replied. The way she was looking, the manner in which her eyes showed that hint of fear, it was crazy how they had to share such a gaze.

opens, closes, I feel like she needs shift her fringe so that it slants generally to the left. My hand reaches out to softly touch her hair. ‘Lady, please, just please, go away.’ I plead in a whisper. Before another moment could be formed, before my insanity could draw more nonsense comparison, before my mind exaggerates all similarities, I turned away. ‘Hey.’ She calls out. Wheein was white noise, she is white noise, and sounds of today shall be white noise.

The pavements filled with people. Weather being chilly, I needed my jacket but it would require myself to move backwards. I don’t want to turn back. I don’t want to face whatever it was that time had forced me to leave behind. I refused to second-guess my past actions; there was nothing more I could do. Seventh feet under will be where I placed him. 3 cities away will be where she chooses to reside in fear. I will be here a self-made orphan. That is how things are. Even if the lady is dragging my useless body back to face it all, that is how things stand.

So I walk on, I choose to ignore the baggage that I’m dragging along. I am making effort to live, just like what the lady in a white coat said to do. Then again, the knife that the random shopkeeper is being threatened with looks nicely sharp enough.