I wondered if I knew. Who I am? Such a complex question phrased in such a simple manner. Were they stripped from that day? ‘Who are you?’ I enquired. A blatant attempt to avoid an elaboration on my part. ‘Kim Yongsun.’ then she smiles confidently at me. 

We let the silence remain. Our eyes holding each other. What was she trying to express? What am I trying to achieve? An exchange of mere sentences and yet I am puzzled. All the questions. It is like we were waltzing to a tune of nothing. Why in the world am I dancing along to her invisible strings? What a hold she has. Just who is she? 

I watched as her hand reaches over. It was as if my eyes capture her single movement into an individual frame. Gently, her right index finger lands in between my brows. At that moment, I realized that my heartbeat reduces. The initial intensity of my thoughts, now dull. All I processed was her eyes. How simple they seem. However, it wasn’t like it was vacant. It was like simple but with a lot of souls. Like the passion she has for breathing was all encompassed in those eyes. Those goddamn eyes. 

Instead of the passionate ones, it was replaced by the soulless ones. The one that held the single look of disappointment. Those damn sad ones that wished for things to be different. ‘I…’ I apologize apologise despite knowing that she fully wants me to. It wasn’t my fault. I did right. Yet those eyes just hardens and the depth of her sadness is evident. He taught me to stand up for her. How can things be so different, just cause he became the perpetrator. It was right…right?

I did right. ‘I..’ I wanted to declare to Umma that I did good. I wanted to stick by my stand and to be confident. ‘I…’ My stammering. The breathing in between each enunciation quickens. It is going to start to hurt. The dominos are falling. Breathing hurts. Maybe I should stop talking. Words were never that concrete. Her eyes just sad and mouth clamped shut. Maybe I am wrong. He was wrong so how could his teachings be right? I am not making sense. It was illogical of me. Reckless behaviour and still I was ignorant to think I did right. ‘I…’ still the expression of apology felt heavy. In fact, the 2 syllabus clung onto my voice box; mute.

Suddenly, another pain overrides my consciousness. My left hand holds my left cheek that felt warmer from the prior impact. ‘Who was that?’ A question hits my ears. I paused and saw those ones with a great depth of emotions. I blinked once more. It was then I registered that I am tearing. ‘Moonbyul. Who was that that you saw?’ Her voice strong. Her eyes had a fire. They were of intent. They were not the same pair. 

My mouth opened then closed. I am in Café Le Beau. I had an episode. I had a fu*king episode. At that comprehension, I laughed out loud. Her hand instantly raised. Catching it in mid-air, ‘I am pretty sure not everything are required to be of balance.’ She retracts her hand to be by her side. Instead of pure fire, I saw tinges of fear, confusion and the scramble of her mind trying to get a grip on the situation. The speed at which her eyes could convey all those emotions that she felt, leaves me amused. 

‘This is weird.’ Her favourite line brings me comfort in an extremely odd way. So I smiled. ‘I am that apple that didn’t fall far from the tree.’ I answered. ‘Meaning?’ she probes. ‘Meaning I am likely a deluded individual somehow breathing till this day.’ I explained. ‘That holds no clarification. It is barely an elaboration.’ She pouts at the end. I wonder if she was speaking her thoughts or actually had meant to be a vocalised complain about my lack of directness. ‘So Ms Kim, who are you?’ that last line from me sounded like the start of an interrogation. Are the tables turned?

That slight tinge of pink around her cheeks seemingly implied so. Before today closes, I will know who Kim Yongsun is.