When Minsoo was seven, he met five-year-old Changhyun for the first time.

The younger was cute and bubbly, and Minsoo immediately took a liking to him. Sure, he might have been older, but he still loved playing, and he couldn’t resist the toys the other was holding.

“Hi! I’m Minsoo.”

“I’m Changhyun,” he spoke slowly, trying to pronounce each syllable perfectly.

“I really like your toys.”

“Thanks,” the younger beamed.

“Can I play with you?” Minsoo sat down.

When the other nodded, he grabbed the toy from him. But instead of looking upset, Changhyun only watched in amazement as Minsoo showed him cool hidden features he didn’t even know existed.

“You’re the coolest person ever, Minsoo!”

He felt a twinge in his chest.

“You’re fun, too.”

“Can we be best friends?”

“Okay.”

And so, a new friendship was born.

 

When Minsoo was nine, he got Changhyun’s tattoo.

Back then, he didn’t really know what it meant. It was after Changhyun’s seventh birthday party and he was busy unwrapping Minsoo’s gift. His eyes lit up as he pulled out a toy set he’d been wanting.

“Thanks, Minsoo! You’re the bestest best friend ever!”

Changhyun tackled him to hug him. As they both toppled over onto the floor, laughing, Minsoo felt a strange sensation come over him. His hip kind of hurt and burned, but he just assumed he fell on it. He cried out as it got worse.

“Are you okay?” Changhyun looked at him, worried.

“It kinda hurts here,” he pointed to his side, pouting.

Changhyun jumped to his feet and pulled Minsoo to the bathroom.

“We have band aids. Mommy always gives me band aids when it hurts.”

He the light and stepped on his stool, opening up the cupboard and pulling out a box of bandages.

“Where does it hurt?”

Minsoo pulled up his shirt and pointed to his side. Changhyun leaned to get a closer look and gasped.

“Look!”

Panicking, Minsoo looked down to what horrible thing had sprouted from his body, but to his surprise, his skin was intact, except for the new colored tattoo he was sure wasn’t there that morning. The skin around it was still red and irritated, and stung a little when he pressed his finger to it.

“Hey, we match.”

Changhyun had pulled up his pant leg and was wobbling around as he lifted it up to compare. He was right, the tattoo on his side was identical to the one on the younger’s ankle.

“What does it mean?”

Changhyun stumbled backwards as he lost his balance.

“My mommy says that getting someone’s tattoo means you love them,” he blinked up curiously at Minsoo, “Do you love me?”

Minsoo’s stomach turned uncomfortably at the question, but he ignored the feeling. An answer bubbled up automatically in the back of his throat, but the words left a bitter taste behind as they passed his lips.

“Of course. You’re my best friend.”

Changhyun smiled at him. Normally it would make him happy, but this time only a sense of dread settled in the pit of his stomach.

 

When Minsoo was eleven, the feeling came back. He had managed to recover from that day two years ago, and all the uncomfortableness had faded.

But as Changhyun stood in front of him, his expression bright, and his arms held out in front of him, Minsoo couldn’t help but feel uneasy. He tried to smile anyway.

“Isn’t it nice? Plus, you have mine, so now we match.”

He nodded mutely as he stared down at his own tattoo stamped in the crook of the other’s elbow.

“It’s so cool!” he threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck, “I love you. You’re my best friend.”

Minsoo knew he should be happy, he really should be, but everything felt wrong and weird and his stomach turned as he heard Changhyun say those words. All he wanted to do was shake off his arms and run. But he couldn’t. So he stood there, paralyzed as his heart thundered while his brain whispered its disapproval.

 

Minsoo still found himself troubled a few days later. The thought of Changhyun having his tattoo somehow irked him. He kept scratching at him own too, almost as if he wanted to peel it off.

He wondered if this was normal. He knew that a tattoo symbolized love, and love meant you cared for someone and wanted to spend all your time with them.

Did he feel like that for Changhyun?

Of course.

So why did it feel wrong?

 

“You have a tattoo?”

“Yeah.”

“Ooh, who’s the girl?”

“It’s my best friend, actually. His name is Changhyun.”

“It’s a guy? That’s kinda weird. Boys aren’t supposed to like other boys.”

 

When Changhyun turned eleven, he lost his best friend.

He didn’t know how or why it happened, all he knew was that they were drifting apart. It didn’t happen right away; in the beginning, Minsoo just started missing some of their sleepovers, claiming he was sick or was too busy. Changhyun didn’t mind, and he didn’t think anything was amiss. But then the other never came out to play anymore when he would knock on his door, but Changhyun swore he saw the curtains move each time. And on the odd days he would come out, he was never the same smiley, dorky guy Changhyun became friends with.

Minsoo never made any effort to withhold his half of the friendship, and Changhyun was getting tired of bearing all the weight. So when summer came and left, and school started up again, Minsoo entered high school, but for once, Changhyun wasn’t there to send him off.

 

When Minsoo was fifteen, he broke Changhyun’s heart.

The younger finally entered high school, two years after Minsoo, and although they didn’t talk like they used to, he still scanned the halls looking for him.

Once he found him, he waved excitedly, and surprisingly, Minsoo returned his wave with a small smile and a nod.

“You know him?” one of Changhyun’s new classmates asked.

“Minsoo? Yeah, we were childhood friends,” he put a hand over his heart dramatically, “And each other’s first loves.”

His new friends all laughed.

“Really? That’s cute. Do you still feel the same way?”

“No,” Changhyun shrugged, “It was just puppy love. Besides, we’ve drifted apart now.”

He didn’t say it aloud, but his heart dropped a little.

 

By lunchtime, word of what Changhyun said had gotten around to Minsoo.

“Is it true that guy Changhyun was your first crush?”

Minsoo nearly choked on his food.

“What? Where did you hear that?”

“Apparently he said it himself.”

He spluttered.

“Hey, man, it’s cool. We’re okay with those kinds of things.”

His friends all nodded, but Minsoo couldn’t help but think back to what that boy had said to him years ago, and he reddened in embarrassment.

“Boys aren’t supposed to love boys. It’s weird.”

 

Changhyun looked up in surprise at Minsoo currently standing over his lunch table.

“Hi?” he said hesitantly.

“Changhyun, can we talk? Alone?”

His friends all giggled behind their hands and Minsoo turned even redder than he already was.

“Sure, sure,” he scrambled out of his seat and followed the other out of the cafeteria.

Changhyun felt a little odd following him. He wondered if he should say anything. They used to be best friends after all. But Minsoo’s back was frigid, and he didn’t look back one as he led him to an empty hallway.

“Okay,” Minsoo stopped walking and got straight to the point, “What exactly did you say about me?”

Changhyun blinked.

“What?”

“This morning. What did you say?” Minsoo hissed through his teeth.

“I said that we were childhood friends.”

“And?”

“And that we were each other’s first loves,” at that he laughed a little.

Minsoo could practically feel his flush down to his toes.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true?” Changhyun peered at him, “It was just a harmless comment, it’s not like it was that big a deal.”

“Yes, it is! It’s weird, and wrong, and boys aren’t supposed to love other boys.”

Changhyun looked taken aback.

“Minsoo,” he said carefully, “Homouality is okay. It’s really not a problem if I loved you—”

Minsoo gritted his teeth.

“—or if you loved me—”

“No!” he exploded, “I didn’t love you. I—I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t love.”

He shook his head furiously.

“I don’t love you. I don’t! I don’t!”

 

When Changhyun was fifteen, he got his first boyfriend.

Minsoo saw them together sometimes across campus, and every time his heart clenched. But he shook off the feeling and looked away.

Despite that, even if he ignored the happy couple, they were all anyone else could talk about.

“Aren’t they adorable?”

“They’re so brave.”

“I wish I had someone to look at me the way he looks at Changhyun.”

Whenever they crossed his vision, Minsoo had to admit they looked cute together. They held hands, walked each other to class, left school attached at the hip. And even though Minsoo would never admit it, he sometimes wished he was the one kissing him goodbye before class. He wanted to be the reason why there was a blush on the other’s cheeks, to have Changhyun look at him with those love-struck eyes.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Was he gay?

“Ew.”

“That’s not right.”

“That kind of thing should be illegal.”

But of course, love couldn’t exist without hate. So even though there was a lot of support towards the two, there was also some disgust. Hearing those specific comments made Minsoo’s questioning disappear. There was no way he was gay.

 

When Minsoo turned eighteen, he found himself in front of Changhyun’s house.

He hesitated, wondering if he should just turn around and walk away, but his feet brought him over to the front door, and before he could stop himself, he knocked.

Mrs. Yoo looked shocked to see him as she opened the door. Which wasn’t a surprise, considering the fact that he hadn’t stepped foot inside this house for years.

“Minsoo?”

“Hello,” he greeted awkwardly, “Um, is Changhyun home?”

“Not yet, but he should be back any minute. Please, come in.”

She slid to the side to let him in.

“You can wait upstairs if you want. Changhyun shouldn’t be long.”

Minsoo nodded in thanks and head upstairs. The walls still seemed so familiar to him, even after all these years. He walked down the hallway slowly and paused in front Changhyun’s room before pushing the door open.

It still looked the same, still as messy as ever. He stepped inside, suddenly feeling nostalgic. He walked around the room, just remembering.

They used to fly paper planes out of his bedroom window and watch as they got blown away in the wind. They used to make funny faces at each other in the mirror in the corner of his room and try to make each other laugh. They used to jump on the bed and tell each other ghost stories in the middle of the night. Everywhere he looked, there were memories. All these things, Minsoo still remembered as if they happened yesterday.

He stopped in front of the desk. He bent down to get a closer look and noticed that the framed photograph looked awfully familiar. He picked it up.

It was an old picture of him and Changhyun, standing arm in arm and smiling. If he remembered correctly, it was taken a few hours before Changhyun’s seventh birthday party. A few hours before everything changed. Minsoo looked down at the picture and all he could feel was remorse.

“Minsoo?”

His head snapped up. Changhyun stood in the doorway, an unsure smile on his lips.

“What are you doing here?”

“I…” he looked down at the picture in his hands, “I came to see you. To talk. To apologize.”

“Apologize for what?”

“For how our friendship ended. I realize now that I didn’t exactly handle things well.”

Changhyun threw his bag on the floor and sat down on the bed.

“You weren’t comfortable with everything that was happening. I understood that. I never held it against you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Changhyun smiled softly at him.

“I figured you’d come around eventually. You can’t hide from the truth forever.”

“What truth?”

Minsoo felt small. He dreaded what was coming next, but at the same time, he needed to admit it to himself.

“Our feelings don’t lie, Minsoo. Especially not when they’re displayed on our bodies. As much as it bothers you, I loved you. And you loved me, no matter how much you tried to push it.”

“I’m not gay,” Minsoo blurted out, but it came out as more of a question.

“Maybe not,” Changhyun shrugged, “But you can’t deny that you felt something towards me.”

He patted the spot next to him, and Minsoo sat down, feeling a little helpless.

“Homophobia is not a good thing. Internalizing it made it even worse. It wasn’t clear to me at first, but when you confronted me that day in the hallway, I realized that you really thought it was wrong. But it’s not.”

He took his hand.

“Don’t listen to those people. You love who you want to love. It shouldn’t be a crime.”

“I suppose. It’s gonna take some getting used to.”

“I know,” he patted his knee, “But I’m here for you.”

Minsoo stared down at his hand. Something stirred inside of him.

“How’s your boyfriend?”

Changhyun smiled wistfully.

“We broke up. Things don’t work out.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

Minsoo felt a little guilty when a twinge of happiness went through him. And maybe it was his imagination, but his heartbeat seemed to pick up.

“Can I…” he hesitated, “Can I try something?”

Changhyun looked at him and seemed to know what he was thinking. He shifted slightly to face him.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Changhyun waited patiently. He watched Minsoo and gauged his reaction. The other looked incredibly unsure of himself, but as he watched, Minsoo seemed to have steeled himself and made up his mind.

The room was dark now, so Changhyun couldn’t really see his face until he leaned in. And when he did, he could feel old feelings coming up again.

These past few years had done him good. His baby fat had melted away, leaving behind a face more handsome than before. He looked so mature and so different, that Changhyun couldn’t help but stare.

On his side, MInsoo was doing the same. Changhyun hadn’t lost his chubby cheeks, and he was still as cute and bright as ever.

Minsoo reached out and cupped the other’s cheek. They both shivered.

“Is this okay?” he murmured.

Changhyun nodded. He stayed still and waited for Minsoo to make the first move. The other’s breath fanned over his lips, and his eyes fluttered close. When he felt Minsoo’s mouth brush over his, his heart seemed to leap out of his chest, but he didn’t push further. He didn’t want to scare him off.

So he waited. But when the other pulled away, Changhyun almost tugged him back. His disappointment didn’t last though, because he leaned in again, a little more confident. This time, Changhyun moved with him, his lips parting slightly as he curled his hand behind the other’s neck.

They were both breathless when they finally moved apart. Changhyun didn’t remove his hand, and neither did Minsoo, his thumb tracing the curve of his cheek.

“You okay?” he whispered.

“I don’t know,” Minsoo didn’t look away.

“Did you hate it?”

“No… no, I didn’t,” Minsoo bit his lip, “It was different and… kinda nice.”

“Baby steps, Minsoo, you’ll get there,” Changhyun hugged him,” I’m proud of you.”

Minsoo stilled for a second, before lifting his arms to embrace him, his head resting on top of the other’s.

“We’ll get through this together.”

“We?”

Changhyun pecked him on the cheek, grinning at the other’s blush.

“Yeah, we.”