“Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“See each other. It’s just not working out.”

“You’re breaking up with me?”

“Look, I love you, Niel, I really do. But I can’t take this anymore.”

“But I love you. You know I love you-”

“Do you really? Because I’ve waited so long, yet I still can’t tell. And I don’t want to wait any longer, because I know there’s someone out there who truly does.”

 

Niel was different. People liked to call him strange. He couldn’t receive tattoos. His skin was still as unmarked as the day he was born. And he hated it.

He watched people walk by him every day, and he had made it a habit to find their tattoos. Some were visible, some were not. But even when they didn’t show, he knew that they were marked somewhere, someplace on their body, that love had reached them and painted their skin.

Niel was jealous. How many times had people pushed him away, broken up with him, because he had never managed to display his love?

Tattoos were important. They were a physical, beautiful way to say “I love you”. And Niel couldn’t.

It caused misunderstandings. People thought he was heartless, a player. Girls and guys alike walked around sporting his tattoo, yet he couldn’t show anything of theirs. Some people made it into a game. Bets were made and stakes were raised. Who would be the first to win his heart?

But everyone who tried left disappointed, and Niel found himself more and more desperate as time went on. Because even if his skin stayed intact, his heart didn’t.

He could only give and not show. And that was why people kept leaving.

 

The first time Chanhee asked him out, Niel was convinced it was a joke.

“Hi, I’m Chanhee.”

Niel looked up from his lunch and widened his eyes at the man standing in front of him. He was handsome, so handsome, pretty even.

“Can I sit here?” he gestured to the empty seat in front of him.

“Uh, sure, I guess,” Niel moved his things.

The boy sat down.

“So, what’s your name?” Chanhee flashed him a charming smile.

Niel was starting to get suspicious.

“I’m Niel,” he replied curtly, looking back down at his food.

No way would he fall for another one of their games. But if he had looked, he would have noticed Chanhee’s bright smile falter.

Niel silently stared down at his plate. He half-heartedly answered Chanhee’s attempt at conversation, but inside, he was fuming. The more he tried to talk, the angrier he got. The boy was really not giving up.

He finished his lunch quickly, eager to get away.

“Well, it was nice meeting you,” he nodded in Chanhee’s direction, tucking his books under his arm and turning to walk away.

“Wait!”

He felt a hand grab his arm and froze. He slowly turned his hand to stare at Chanhee.

“Look, I’m sorry if I did something wrong or if we got off on a bit of a wrong foot, but I just came over here because you’re kind of really cute and I wanted to ask you out,” he said in one quick breath.

Niel stared at him for a few seconds before scoffing and shaking off his hand. The hopeful smile slipped off Chanhee’s face.

“I knew it,” he barked out a laugh, “Listen, I’m sorry you wasted your lunchtime, but seriously, don’t waste your money.”

“What?” Chanhee looked confused.

“Tell me, how much is the bet this time? Forty? Fifty?” Niel seethed.

“I don’t-”

“You’ve been had. You’re never getting that money back.”

Niel rolled his eyes at the other’s bewildered expression and spun on his heel, his hands clenched into fists. He stormed off, needing to get away. He pushed through the cafeteria doors and stalked off through the courtyard.

“Wait! Niel, wait up!”

He heard footsteps pounding behind him, and his heart broke a little more. He straightened his back and turned. Chanhee came to a stop in front of him, panting.

“I don’t know-” he wheezed, “I don’t understand what you were talking about back there, but I sincerely think you’re cute.”

Niel eyed him warily.

“You weren’t joking? So this isn’t a bet?”

Chanhee smiled at him.

“Of course not,” he stuck out a hand, “Why don’t we start over? I’m Chanhee, and I was wondering if you would like to grab a coffee after class?”

Niel stared for a second before taking his hand.

“I’m Niel, and I would love to.”

 

One date turned into two, and then into three, and soon Niel couldn’t keep count anymore. And he was happy. Truly, honestly happy because Chanhee was the best.

He was sweet and considerate, and made Niel want to smile all the time. He was also incredibly stupid and clumsy, but it only made Niel love him more. The thought scared him.

Because what if it was all still a game? What if Chanhee wasn’t sincere? And it was stupid, because why would he stay dedicated for so long? But he still couldn’t help but be worried.

“Are you doing this for the money?”

Niel asked him that question more times than he could remember. Every time, Chanhee had looked at him with the same bewildered smile he had that first day. And eventually, Niel stopped asking. But the thought still gnawed at the back of his mind, a whisper of uncertainty that never seemed to go away.

 

“Come over tomorrow. Dress casual.”

Niel glanced down at the text. A smile lit up his face as he typed back a response. That was another thing he liked about Chanhee. He was straightforward and direct, he knew what he wanted.

“Maybe that’s why he’s still with you after so long,” something whispered in the back of his mind, “He’s still not giving up on the bet.”

Niel frowned to himself.

“It’s been six months. Nobody ever lasted this long.”

His phone beeped in his hand.

“See you then. Love you! <3”

His uneasiness floated away.

 

Niel knocked on the door of Chanhee’s apartment and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He could hear the other’s footsteps padding towards the door and opening it. A smile spread across his face as he caught sight of Chanhee wearing an apron and covered in food.

“Hey, don’t laugh. I’m doing this for you,” Chanhee pointed his spatula at him.

“Happy anniversary, Chanhee,” Niel stepped through the doorway and smiled at him.

“Happy anniversary,” he echoed, planting a kiss on his cheek.

He pulled Niel into the kitchen and gestured widely at the table, where a feast had been laid out.

“Oh my god,” Niel’s jaw dropped, “You did all this for me?”

“For us,” Chanhee side-hugged him, “Now come eat.”

 

After dinner, Chanhee pulled Niel into his bedroom.

“I know I told you to not buy me a gift, but I do have something for you.”

Niel stared at him. Chanhee was blushing slightly and shuffling his feet, avoiding his gaze.

“You should have told me then,” Niel said softly, “I would have gotten you something too.”

Chanhee shook his head.

“I don’t want anything. Just you is enough.”

Niel flushed at his words.

“Besides,” he bit his lip, “My gift isn’t material, it’s… it’s just something I want to show you.”

Niel nodded. Chanhee pulled him to the bed and sat them both down. He could see how nervous the older was, so he grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together.

“I really wanted to show you earlier, but I guess I wanted to surprise you on a special day,” Chanhee was looking down at his feet.

He took a deep breath and smiled uncertainly at Niel. He tugged at the hem of his shirt.

“I wanted to show you when I first got it, but I was scared it would freak you out. But it’s been six months, so I think now is a good time,” he pulled the shirt over his head, “I have your tattoo.”

He threw the fabric onto the bed and shivered a bit at the cold air. He watched Niel, gauging his reaction.

“Chanhee…” he held his breath, “You look beautiful.”

He gasped as he felt Niel’s fingers reach out and lightly trace the ink across his torso.

“Do you… Do you like it?” he whispered.

“I think it’s perfect,” Niel murmured back.

He let him trace the shapes he had already memorized some time ago, and just watched the look of wonder on the other’s face.

“I love you,” he spoke up.

Niel’s head snapped up.

“I mean, I guess this,” he gestured to himself, “Already says that.”

He leaned forward and felt Niel’s breath ghost over his lips.

“I love you,” he whispered, closing the distance between them.

Niel leaned into his kiss, running the tip of his tongue over his bottom lip. Chanhee smiled and gripped his waist.

“I love you, too,” he murmured against his mouth.

Chanhee pulled away, lips stretching out into a smile.

“Does that mean you have my tattoo, too?” he grinned hopefully.

The edges of his mouth curled downwards as the other scooted away from him.

“Niel, what-”

His eyes widened a bit when he noticed the boy hanging his head.

“Chanhee, I have to tell you something.”

Chanhee crawled over to him.

“Niel, what’s wrong?”

He wrung his hands.

“It’s not easy for me to say this.”

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

Niel shook his head furiously.

“No, no,” he cleared his throat, “If anything, you’d probably break up with me.”

“Don’t be silly,” Chanhee grabbed his hand, “What’s bothering you?”

Niel stayed quiet for a while, trying to gather his words.

"Chanhee, I have to tell you the truth,” he took a deep breath, “I don’t have your tattoo, and I… never will.”

The other looked back at him in confusion, his eyes showing a little hurt.

“It’s not that I don’t love you,” he rushed to correct himself, “I love you, I do, you have to believe me.”

“So why don’t you have my tattoo?” Chanhee asked quietly.

“I, I can’t,” he said frustatedly, “I want it, more than anything, but I can’t. I’m different.”

Chanhee stayed quiet, but he didn’t let go of his hand.

“It’s rare, what I have. Like a birth defect. It’s not physically, biologically, possible for me to receive tattoos.”

Niel turned to him.

“Chanhee, please believe me. I love you, more than anything. But I can’t show it,” his voice cracked, “I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t believe me.”

He wiped at his eyes.

“Chanhee, please don’t break up with me.”

He was on the verge of tears. Chanhee looked at him in surprise.

“Why would I do that?”

“Everyone else did.”

Chanhee sighed and wrapped his arms around the other’s frame. He pulled him down and laid them both on the pillows.

“Do you really think I need a tattoo to show me something I already know? A mark on your skin doesn’t tell me you love me,” Chanhee kissed his cheek, “I see it in the way you look at me, in the special smile you reserve just for me. I can feel it in the way you kiss me, the way you hold me. A few colors on your skin won’t change that.”

“But I want people to know, I want people to see it.”

Chanhee’s lips ghost over his jaw.

“I know, and I see it,” he murmured, “Isn’t that enough?”

And maybe, it was.

 

“I want to try something.”

“Hm?”

Niel looked up from his book and tilted his head quizzically at the markers and pens that Chanhee was holding.

“What exactly are you going to do?”

“Just take off your shirt and lie down.”

Niel frowned but obeyed. He bookmarked his page and laid down on his stomach. He heard the clatter of pens on the coffee table and let out a little sound of protest when Chanhee sat down on his thighs.

“Just let me try this.”

He heard the other fumble around and uncap a marker. He shifted on his thighs and sighed in contemplation.

“Your skin is so perfect,” he murmured, “I can mark it any way I want.”

He put the tip of the marker to his back. Niel jumped slightly at the feeling and giggled a bit when Chanhee dragged it across his skin.

“Stay still,” he whined, “That line’s all crooked now.”

Niel nodded and braced himself. Chanhee picked up different pens and markers, drawing foreign patterns across his skin. Niel twisted his head to look at the other. He smiled at the sight of him furrowing his brows in concentration.

“What are you drawing?” he asked quietly.

“You’ll see,” Chanhee smiled at him, before continuing.

 

“Okay, and done!” he heard Chanhee exclaim.

He clambered off Niel’s legs and smiled down at him.

“Get up and take a look.”

Niel painstakingly pushed himself up and stood up on numb legs. He wobbled over to the mirror, where Chanhee was waiting. He looked a little nervous, smiling shyly at him.

“I know it’s not perfect or anything, but I tried.”

He took him by the shoulders and spun him around. Niel turned his head to look into the mirror.

Chanhee had attempted to recopy his own tattoo on his back. It was big and disproportionate, the colors hardly as vibrant as the ones on his ankle. Niel could see where the lines ran crooked, where the color had smudged when he accidentally dragged his hand across the wet ink, where the lines turned thick to cover up mistakes. It was a disaster, but Niel thought it was perfect.

“Thanks, Chanhee,” Niel shot him a bright smile, “I love it.”

The older ducked his head, his face red.

“It’ll wash off in the shower,” he mumbled, “But I could always redraw it for you, if you ever want me to.”

Niel opened his arms and enveloped him when he stepped forward.

“You know I still love you, right? Even if you don’t have my tattoo,” Chanhee said into his shoulder.

“I know.”

Chanhee told him all the time, reassuring him, comforting him. And maybe, just maybe, Niel was starting to believe it too.