“Do you think I’m selfish?”

“What for?”

“For being upset at Minsoo for having more than one tattoo.”

“Well, how many do you have?”

“Just his one.”

“I mean, it’s normal to want to be, you know, the only one. But it’s part of human nature to get tattoos when you have strong enough feelings for someone.”

“I know, it’s just…” Chnahee stirred his drink with straw, “I guess I’m just a little insecure about it.”

 

“Chanhee!”

He snapped out of it, dazed.

“What?” he blinked fast.

“I keep calling your name and you keep blanking out,” Minsoo poked at his food, his bottom lip jutting out slightly.

“Sorry, I didn’t notice,” he muttered.

“Hey… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head, “I’m just a little distracted.”

Minsoo put his fork down and peered at him. Chanhee avoided his eyes.

“Come on, Chanhee, I know you better than that. There’s something on your mind.”

Chanhee chewed slowly.

“Okay, there is something,” he swallowed, “But it’s really stupid. It’s not something to worry about.”

“It’s obviously bothering you, of course I’ll be worried.”

Chanhee stayed quiet. Minsoo sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me now,” he reached across the table to grab his hand, “But I’m here if you wanna talk.”

Chanhee shot him a grateful smile. The other grinned back. His eyes flitted to the clock and jolted up from the table.

“Oh, I forgot. I’m meeting up with a friend. I have to get ready.”

“Who is it?”

“My ex. You met her once, right?”

Chanhee nodded curtly, his lips still frozen in a smile.

“Yeah, she wants to meet for coffee,” Minsoo ran around gathering his things, “I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, his voice small.

Minsoo didn’t notice. He headed towards the door.

“Bye,” his voice called from the hallway.

Of course Chanhee remembered her. The only ex Minsoo still talked to. She was pretty, beautiful even, with bright eyes and a perfect smile. She had the perfect body too, she would probably look good wearing a potato sack. Men ogled her wherever she went but she only had eyes for Minsoo. They would probably talk for hours. Chanhee’s fingers curled into a fist. How could he ever compare to that?

His smile slipped from his face as the door shut with a click.

 

Later that night, Chanhee joined Minsoo on the couch, the pale glow of the television washing over both their faces. Chanhee settled besides the latter and the other wound his arm around his waist. He leaned into his touch, although he did it stiffly. He pretended not to notice Minsoo lowering the volume of the TV as an open invitation to talk.

Chanhee chewed on his bottom lip as he stared at the TV, feeling Minsoo’s curious eyes on him. He still didn’t turn up the volume again, even when Chanhee didn’t start talking.

It’s not like he felt pressured in any way. Minsoo didn’t push for answers, and the arm around his waist still felt like a comfort rather than an annoyance. He wasn’t about to pester Chanhee to tell him what was wrong, but the words still formed in the back of his throat.

“I don’t like your tattoos,” he blurted out.

“What?” Minsoo stared at him, incredulous.

Chanhee face palmed.

“That didn’t come out right,” he muttered, “What I mean is, I don’t like the fact that you have so many.”

Minsoo chuckled.

“Is that what’s making you upset?” he ruffled his hair, “Come on, Chanhee, that’s nothing to be worried about. You know I love you. There’s no one else for me.”

He smiled cheekily at him. Chanhee felt somewhat relieved but not completely at ease. He still didn’t understand.

“It’s not jealousy, Minsoo,” he struggled to find his words, “I—I’m just scared I’m not enough for you.”

Minsoo pulled back, frowning.

“Where did you get an idea like that?”

“It’s just… Well, you’ve loved other people before, and been in other relationships, with more attractive people and… And me… You were my first, and I don’t have any experience, and I can’t help but wonder if you don’t want that, if you’d rather have someone who knows what they’re doing,” he closed his eyes, “And maybe it’s because I’ve never been in love before, but I don’t like thinking about you with someone else.”

He covered his face with his hands.

“Okay, maybe it is a little bit of jealousy,” he admitted.

Minsoo chuckled softly beside him.

“Chanhee, look at me.”

When he shook his head, Minsoo gently pried his fingers away from his face.

“Chanhee, none of that has ever mattered to me. Especially not this “experience” you’re talking about,” he made air-quotes with his fingers.

Chanhee looked down at his lap.

“Really, Chanhee, I’m not lying. I feel honoured, you know, to be your first love.”

He blushed.

“First loves are always the best. They’re the ones that really make you feel that special way. And I’m really happy I could be the one to make you feel like that.”

Minsoo pressed a kiss to his temple.

“I still remember the joy and giddiness I felt when I fell in love for the first time, and I’m glad to be able to live it again through you.”

Minsoo reached for his hand.

“Yes, I’ve loved before, but for now, I love you. And only you.”

Chanhee sighed and leaned his head against his shoulder.

“I guess I know that. I just don’t like the fact that the proof of you loving other people is all over your skin.”

“I know, Chanhee. But it’s human nature. If I could, I’d take them off for you.”

Chanhee laughed.

“It’s okay,” he looked up shyly, “I love you.”

Minsoo grinned and leaned in for a kiss.

 

Chanhee woke up to the sound of a door slamming. He patted the other side of the bed, finding it cold and empty. He sleepily kicked off the blankets and rolled out of bed, his feet hitting the floor with a thump.

“Minsoo?” he called out.

There was a pause in the footsteps outside the bedroom door, before they started up again, faster this time. Chanhee stumbled across the dark bedroom and yanked open the door, just in time to see the bathroom door across the hall close. He heard the lock click as he shuffled across the floor.

“Minsoo?” he knocked softly on the door.

“Don’t come in,” his boyfriend yelled from the other side.

Chanhee blinked at the slurring of his words.

“Are you drunk?” he called through the door.

“Noooo,” he drew out the word, giggling slightly.

“Okay, Minsoo, open the door,” he jiggled the doorknob.

“No, don’t come in,” he hiccupped, “I’m doing something.”

“Minsoo, you’re drunk. I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Chanhee pressed against the door, slightly panicking, “Let me in.”

“Wait! It’s a surprise,” he slurred.

“I don’t care. Open the door,” his voice rose as his worry grew.

“No—ow!” he heard him hiss in pain.

“Minsoo!” he banged on the door, “What happened?”

“I’m bleeding,” he shrieked.

“Oh my god, unlock the door, please,” Chanhee said desperately.

He heard the door unlock and he immediately pushed down on the knob and yanked it open. Minsoo sat on the closed toilet seat, his head bowed, and his arms bloody. He reeked of alcohol.

“Oh god, what were you doing? What happened?” he rushed forward.

He looked around frantically. He in a breath at the bloody washcloth and the pile of stained tissues in the sink. He knelt down in front of Minsoo and grabbed his arms. He gasped at the angry red lines around the tattoos covering his arms. As he gently turned the arm, more blood blossomed out of the gashes he had managed to make.

“Were you trying to scratch off your tattoos?” he peered up at Minsoo, frowning.

“I was doing it for you,” his head lolled lazily to the side.

“You were hurting yourself!”

“But Chanhee,” he squinted, trying to focus, “I… I understand now. You—you don’t like them, and they make you uncomfortable so I had a surprise! A little ouch and then poof! They’re gone. And you’ll be happy.”

Chanhee shook his head violently.

“No, Minsoo, it doesn’t work like that,” he stood up to grab the first aid kit from the cabinet, “The tattoos are a part of you now. And—oh god, I knew I shouldn’t have told you—I love you with them all.”

“Really?”

He wet a clean washcloth with soapy water and gently pressed it to his arm. He winced.

“Sorry, sorry,” he gently dabbed the wound, “Of course I love you. I might be a little insecure, but I’m not stupid enough to leave you over something so trivial.”

Minsoo scowled as he watched Chanhee clean his cuts.

“Well, now I feel dumb.”

“You did do something idiotic,” he unwrapped some gauze, “I hope these don’t scar.”

“I thought I was doing something good,” Minsoo yawned in his ear.

“I know, alcohol makes you do crazy things. Probably why you’re not hurting too much right now,” he stood up, “But you’re gonna be in pain tomorrow.”

“Chanhee—”

“No, not now. You’re drunk and hurt, and I’m tired, so let’s talk about this tomorrow morning, okay?”

Minsoo slumped forward, yawning again.

“Okay.”

Chanhee lifted him up and walked him to the bedroom, settling him down gently onto the bed. He helped him out of his clothes and covered him in blankets. He left the room to grab him a few aspirins and clean up the bloody mess in the bathroom, and when he came back, the other was already snoring softly. He placed the pills on his dresser and crawled back into his side of the bed.

But how could he sleep? The guilt weighed heavily on his heart. It was all his fault.

 

“Good morning.”

Chanhee lurched to the side in surprise. He turned his head and caught Minsoo’s eye.

“You okay?” he whispered, reaching forward to brush the hair out of his eyes.

“No, my head hurts, and my arm hurts,” he whimpered.

Chanhee reached over him to grab the aspirins and handed them to him.

“I’ll get you some water.”

He slipped out of bed and padded towards the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water and helped prop Minsoo up as he drank. When he finished, he flopped back down onto his pillows and dragged Chanhee down on top of him.

“Your arms—”

“It’s okay,” he murmured, “We should talk.”

Chanhee sighed and wrapped his arms around his neck carefully. The guilt was back.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

“No, I’m happy you did. Though I admit I could have handled it better.”

“But you hurt yourself because of me,” he sniffled, “I’m so sorry.”

They stayed quiet as Chanhee gathered his thoughts.

“Minsoo, I love you. Your other tattoos bother me, but it shouldn’t. It’s my thing, my problem, and you shouldn’t be the one dealing with it. Especially not in this way.”

He shifted slightly, and he caught the grimace that flitted across his face.

“Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he apologized again.

He was on the verge of tears.

“This is all my fault.”

Minsoo shook his head.

“Don’t blame yourself. I did this because of what you told me, but I did it myself,” he wiped away the tears, “Don’t be upset. I understand. I don’t like keeping the tattoos either, some of them are just painful memories that I don’t want to remember.”

He picked at the gauze around his wrist.

“So this whole thing wasn’t your fault. The urge has been in me for a while. Please don’t blame yourself. I don’t like seeing you cry.”

Chanhee buried his face in his shoulder, apologies still burning on his lips. He shuddered, taking a breath.

“I’ll try not to be insecure anymore.”

“Hey,” Minsoo nudged him, “Insecurity is natural. But you don’t have to feel it with me.”

He traced the tattoo on the other’s wrist, his lips curling.

“I love you, and that won’t change anytime soon. Nobody else compares to you.”

He lifted his wrist to his lips. Chanhee smiled.

“Besides, my tattoo has never looked more beautiful on anyone else.”