Niel woke up to fingers dancing across his back.

“What are you doing?” he mumbled sleepily, slowly rolling onto his back.

Jonghyun stared guiltily at him, biting his lip.

“Nothing,” he whispered, pulling his arms to his chest.

Niel sighed, pulling the other to him. Maybe it was his imagination, but the other seemed almost reluctant to accept his embrace.

“Are you still upset about the tattoo thing?” he mumbled into his hair.

“A little,” he admitted.

“Don’t be. You know I love you, right?”

“I guess,” Jonghyun’s answer was muffled.

Niel frowned and pulled away. He scrutinized Jonghyun, who averted his eyes.

“Hey,” he said softly, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Jonghyun threw off the sheets and tolled out of bed, quickly padding out of the bedroom. Niel stared after him.

 

“I think we should take a break,” Jonghyun blurted out.

Niel froze, his hands on the other’s hips.

“What?”

Jonghyun continued to flip his pancakes, his back to him.

“Let’s take a break,” he repeated.

Niel dropped his arms, dumbfounded. Jonghyun slid his the pancakes off the pan onto a plate and brought them over to the table. He sat down, with Niel still staring at him, stunned.

“Okay, a break… Can I ask why?”

Jonghyun drizzled some syrup onto his plate, a few drops at a time, prolonging the silence.

“There’s a guy in my class who asked me out to coffee.”

Niel blinked.

“But you’re not going, right? You did tell him we were together?”

Jonghyun looked down at his plate.

“I’m meeting him tomorrow,” he said lowly.

Niel did a double-take.

“What? Jonghyun—”

“Look, Niel,” he pushed away from the table, “I just— I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but I just don’t know how you feel about me.”

“I love you! You know that. I tell you every day and every chance I get.”

He brought his hands to the sides of his head.

“I tried to believe you, I really did, but I’m not able to convince myself anymore.  And I have good reason too. It’s not like you aren’t able to get tattoos. I can see others on your body. But I keep checking, and mine is never there.”

“Jonghyun, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, but I am sure of one thing, and that is that I do love you. Why can’t you believe me? Why is it so important? Many people love without tattoos.”

“But I’m not one of those people. It’s very important to me. You have them. So why isn’t mine there, if you truly do love me? I don’t want to… be stuck here, if there’s someone out there, who will be able to prove their love to me.”

“But Jonghyun—”

“I know, okay, that it’s stupid. Stupid of me to think that a tattoo can embody someone’s love, but I can’t help it. It’s just such an important part of society and us, that it’s necessary for me to know.”

He slouched in his chair, finally looking up at the other.

“I’m sorry, Niel, but I have to know.”

His mouth felt dry.

“No, it’s okay, I understand,” he managed to say.

“So I guess we’ll see how it goes,” Jonghyun stared down into his lap.

“Yeah,” he choked out.

They stayed silent, Jonghyun pushing his syrup around the plate with a piece of pancake, and Niel frozen against the counter top, his breath too loud and ragged.

“I think I’ll get going,” he said quietly.

Jonghyun nodded.

“Let me walk you to the door.”

They walked out of the kitchen and towards the door. Niel kept his arms firmly against his sides, he didn’t try to grab the other’s hand or wrap himself around his waist like he used to. He figured that wasn’t exactly appropriate anymore.

“I’ll call you,” Jonghyun opened the door for him.

“Yeah, sure,” Niel nodded slowly.

He turned to face him.

“I love you,” he blurted out, from force of habit.

Jonghyun just stared at him with sad eyes. He whispered his goodbye softly before closing the door. Niel stood in the hallway for a little longer, dejection settling in the pit of his stomach.

 

Dejection turned to guilt, and guilt slowly turned to anger. Exactly what did he do wrong? He loved Jonghyun with all his being, and he didn’t understand how the other couldn’t see it. Did having a tattoo really make that much of a difference?

Niel reached home and pushed open the door of his empty apartment. He dropped down onto his couch, huffing. He ran a hand through his hair.

“What do I do?” he whispered to himself.

He stayed there for a while, in the dark, wallowing in self-pity. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. Finally, he stood up, determined to push Jonghyun out of his mind.

He head to the fridge first, but the only thing left was the week’s leftovers. Which he had cooked with Jonghyun. He shut the door roughly. Besides, it seemed like his appetite had disappeared. He trudged towards the bedroom, shaking his head. He started up his computer and slowly picked up his laundry off the floor as he waited for it to load. He plopped down onto his chair and wiggled his mouse. He clicked past countless articles and all his usual sites before slamming it closed. It was a bore. He tried to pick up a book and read, but the words swam in front of his eyes and he read the same sentence over and over again. It was just impossible to concentrate. His thoughts kept drifting back to Jonghyun.

He groaned and collapsed face first onto his bed, his hands gripping the sides of his head in exasperation.

“Might as well sleep, if I can’t even think.”

He sighed, wiggling around to find a comfortable position. But his mind was in chaos.

“A break…”

How long would this last? He tried not to focus on the cold emptiness of his bed, this night the first in a long time without Jonghyun by his side.

“No, it won’t last. He’ll call, and he’ll be back…”

Niel furrowed his eyebrows.

“Unless… he falls for that coffee date guy.”

He gripped his pillow tightly, clenching his jaw. He resisted the urge to punch it. He growled under his breath.

No, Jonghyun wouldn’t break off their long relationship for one date, he was sure of it. It was an experiment, yeah, that was it, a test. Niel scoffed. As if Jonghyun would find someone better than him.

He’d given his all to this relationship, anyone could see that. He always waited for Jonghyun after work with a cup of coffee in hand and a ready smile, no matter how bad his day had been. He cooked for him, spending hours in the kitchen slaving over one dish to make it perfect, and presenting it to him, the plate impeccable, but himself covered in food. He wrote cute songs for him and serenaded him in their small bedroom, and bought him flowers, just because.

And Jonghyun? Jonghyun did everything for Niel too, in his own way. He was the one to wake the other, most times spoiling him with breakfast in bed. He cleaned up after Niel, and dragged him to the bathroom to wash up when the other was too lazy to stand. He made it his job to not let him overwork himself, so he would forcefully pull the other away from his work pile and wrestle him onto the bed, wrapping himself around him so he couldn’t get up.

He hoped Jonghyun would realize just how much he cared for him, and how much he put into their relationship. They shouldn’t be broken up just because of a stupid tattoo not appearing. He wouldn’t let it happen. It couldn’t.

Perhaps this was the denial phase of a breakup. He shook his head. No, he was only being logical. They wouldn’t break up. He tried to be confident, but doubt gnawed at the back of his mind.

He suddenly thought of Jonghyun on that date. He had no idea who the guy was, or what he looked like, but he still wanted to strangle the blurry image of the person in his mind. He thought of the two sharing a soda at a little table for two, maybe a half-eaten sundae resting between them. And he imagined Jonghyun gazing at that blur with that smile that he always reserved for him, and…

He threw off his sheets, his room uncomfortably hot. Sweat beaded at the base of his neck and he drowsily fanned himself. He was probably overthinking it and working himself up. He’d call Jonghyun in the morning, to talk things over with a more level head. With that slight bit of reassurance in mind, he finally fell asleep.

 

He never did call, too scared to pick up the phone. He didn’t think he could handle the indifferent voice and the short-clipped answers. He just hoped Jonghyun would contact him soon.

He laid in his bed during days, never really crying, never really smiling. And that infernal heat was always there, drenching his body in sweat and causing him extreme discomfort. Maybe he was sick.

He rolled out of bed, grumbling. He threw on some fresh clothes and stepped out the door, deciding to head to the drugstore and pick up something to get rid of the terrible warmth.

His feet thudded on the sidewalk, bringing him past the drugstore and towards Jonghyun’s apartment. He stared blankly ahead of him, not really realizing, the heat kind of messing with his brain. By the time it registered in his mind, he had already raised his hand to knock.

“Niel? What are you doing here?”

Jonghyun stared at him confusedly. Niel probably looked like a hot mess; his hair dripping with sweat, his face glistening, and his shirt sticking to his torso. And as Niel stared at him, the heat worsened. His whole body felt like it was on fire and his legs wobbled. He fell forward.

“Niel!”

Jonghyun caught him before he could hit the ground. Niel hissed as the skin beneath his hands burned.

“What happened?” Jonghyun asked in concern.

“I… I don’t really know.”

Niel still couldn’t right himself. Jongyun shut the door behind him as he half-carried Niel into the living room. His breathing was ragged, every huff felt like steam coming out his mouth. Jonghyun sat him down.

“Your skin is burning. Are you sick?” he asked him.

“I don’t know,” Niel panted, “Everything’s just… so hot. It burns.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Water, maybe.”

Jonghyun hurried to the kitchen and came back with a glass of ice water. He pressed the straw to the other’s lips. Niel gulped gratefully, but the relief was short-lived. The water seemed to boil in his stomach. He winced.

“Maybe we should get you to a doctor.”

He grasped his hand worriedly. Niel turned his head to look at him and suddenly his body went rigid as a flash of heat seared through him. He gasped in pain. He wheezed for a few moments, before his body slumped back onto the couch and his vision cleared.

“Niel! Are you okay?”

He trembled.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“And the heat?”

“It’s gone.”

Niel patted his own body and realized with relief that his temperature had gone down.

“Really? Just like that?”

“I don’t know. One moment it was there, the next it was gone.”

The sweat was now cooling on his skin. Jonghyun still looked a little skeptical.

“I think you should still rest, just in case.”

“I should probably change first.”

Jonghyun nodded and went to go grab some spare clothes. Now that his mind was no longer preoccupied with the heat, he felt a little awkward barging in on him like that.

“You know, I was gonna call you later today,” Jonghyun avoided his eyes as he came back.

Niel looked at him.

“I did a lot of thinking, and you were right. Love was always here. Tattoos don’t matter. What mattered was our happiness. And I didn’t need some ink to make me happy. I just needed you.”

He sat down beside him and intertwined their fingers.

“I missed you,” he said quietly.

“Me too,” Niel pressed a kiss to his temple, “You know I love you, right?”

Jonghyun smiled.

“Yes.”

He shoved the clothes into his arms.

“And I’d love you more if you took a shower.”

Niel laughed and stood up, already taking off his shirt. He heard a gasp behind him.

“What?”

“You… you…”

Jonghyun shakily pointed to his back. He craned his neck but couldn’t see anything, so he rushed to the bathroom mirror, Jonghyun close behind him. He in a breath as he saw the giant tattoo covering the expanse of his back. He looked back at the other, whose eyes were twinkling with joy. He bit his lip, holding back his smile.

“Do you think that’s what caused your pain?”

“Most likely, considering the size of this thing,” Niel stretched his arm behind him to touch it.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Does it still matter a lot to you?”

“Not really,” Jonghyun stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his waist, “But it makes everything even better.”