For some reason she cannot explain, Taeyeon decides to wait for Tiffany’s arrival at the airport. Incoming from Busan, the flight is a domestic one, and Taeyeon reminds herself of the fact as she drives to the airport. The last time she welcomed a friend back at the airport, she had gone to the wrong terminal and missed the arrival entirely.

Her timing is good and she doesn’t have long to wait before the passengers from Tiffany’s flight begin to filter out through the gate. Dressed in all black with a denim jacket on top, Tiffany emerges from the arrival gate. Her face is partially hidden by the shades and thick scarf she is wearing but Taeyeon spots her easily.

Arms in the air, Taeyeon calls her, “Fany!”

“Taeyeon?” Taeyeon opens her arms wide and welcomes Tiffany straight into an embrace. “I miss you,” Tiffany murmurs in her ear but just as Taeyeon is about to say the same, Tiffany backs away, stepping out of the inner circle of intimacy. “I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “I’m doing it all wrong.”

“Why don’t we go home and talk about it.”

“Okay. Your home or my home.”

“Your home.”

=

Between the preparing of drinks and making of sandwiches and attempted unpacking, it is plain to see that Tiffany is stalling. But Taeyeon waits patiently. She can sense that it is difficult for Tiffany. And it is in her nature to listen, just as her parents did for her when she was growing up. Eventually, Tiffany runs out of things to do and they sit side by side, sipping the instant coffee that Tiffany made.

“Fany, you’re gonna have to talk about it, sooner or later.”

Tiffany sighs and puts her cup of coffee down. “Okay.” Taeyeon notices Tiffany isn’t meeting her eyes but doesn’t comment. She doesn’t want to make it any harder for Tiffany. “I have a confession to make.”

Taeyeon simply sits still and waits. She sees Tiffany fidgeting with her hands so she holds them and gives her a smile. “I’m listening.”

“I lied,” Tiffany says with a rush of air.

Taeyeon’s heart constricts for a beat.

“I wasn’t jogging in your area that night.”

Telling herself to remain calm, Taeyeon asks, “Then where were you jogging?”

“I wasn’t jogging.”

At this point, Taeyeon isn’t sure she wants to know the truth anymore, but she listens on.

“I . . . I was . . .” Tiffany pauses. “I was with my friend. And we were . . . well, my friend, she’s a counsellor and I went to see her because of my problems and she was helping me to clear my mind.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if you will understand what I’m about to tell you. But I hope you won’t think differently of me after I confess.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Tiffany sighs. “Okay. Well, the truth is . . . I have anxiety issues.”

Taeyeon’s eyes widen in alarm. “What kind of anxiety issues?”

“Ever heard of a fear of loss?”

“Do you mean a fear of losing things or people?”

“People.” Tiffany’s eyes meet Taeyeon’s for a moment before averting again. “People I care about. Deeply. People like you.”

“You’re afraid of losing me?”

“I know, it sounds silly, right?”

“A little,” Taeyeon admits. “I mean, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you. What do you have to worry about?”

“It’s irrational, I know. I’ve gotten help for this; joined groups to talk about it; got professional help for it. And I got better. I thought I was completely over it too. But it all came back after I started seeing you.”

“Your anxiety came back because of me?”

“No, no, no.” Tiffany shakes her head vigorously. “My friend told me it might have something to do with losing my mother at a young age. It made me afraid to lose somebody else I love. And when I have strong feelings for a person, I will worry about losing them. And it’s not just the jealous kind. I worry if you got into an accident. Like what if you got hit by a car while crossing the road. What if you fell down the stairs or something terrible happened to you. What will happen if I lose you. All these thoughts keep circling in my head and it drives me nuts. When I missed you so badly that night and had no way to see you, I knew I was going to lose it so I called my friend and went to her for help. But I lost my patience with her.”

Tiffany begins to tear.

“I don’t know why but I was thrown off when you called.  I had to lie to you. And it was wrong. It felt totally wrong. I lost my temper with my friend after that and ignored everything she had to say and ran straight to you. Then I had to make up the stupid story about jogging near your place. It became a hole that I had to fill again and again. And that was it. I didn’t want to go back to my friend for help. I caved in and started bombarding you with messages because I had to check if you were okay. You probably don’t know this but I actually checked if you were breathing after you fell asleep. And it’s sick. I know. So if you want to leave me . . .”

Tiffany bites her lip as tears spill onto her cheeks.

Taeyeon is at a loss. In her mind, Tiffany is such a bright personality. How is it possible for her to harbour this many unsettling thoughts in her mind all the time? She doesn’t know anything about the anxiety that Tiffany is telling her about so she does the first thing that comes to mind—she hugs Tiffany with everything she’s got.

“It’s okay, Fany. We’ll work it out. It’s okay. I still love you.”

A deep sob erupts from Tiffany and her shoulders heave. So Taeyeon pats Tiffany back, with her chin digging into her shoulder and repeats ‘it’s okay’ again and again and again.

=