I get home with my eyes are puffy from crying. I hope everyone is sleeping as I don’t want anyone to see me in this kind of embarrassing condition. I’ve been crying a lot today until my eyes become puffy and red. Seriously, am I acting like a girl? I wonder that.

     I’m about to go upstairs when I bump into my little brother, Raiya. Our eyes meet and I can see that he’s staring at me in dumb disbelief, “Nii-chan, are you…” Before he could finish his words, I cut in without looking at him. “I got to go. Bye!”

     Suddenly, I feel that my right hand has been grabbed from behind. “Nii-chan!” I give Raiya a questioning look and say, “Nani kore?” He’s letting out a sigh of impatience before looking straight into my eyes. “Nii-chan, where have you been today? And what’s wrong with your face? Your eyes look puffy and red. You were crying a lot, ain’t you?”

     I look at my little brother without saying anything. He asks me again in a soft and velvety voice, “Have something happened, nii-chan?” Hearing Raiya’s velvety voice make me feel overwhelmed with sadness. Raiya, if I tell you what have happened to me, will you help me lessen this sadness and pain? Can I rely on you? Can you lend me your shoulder for me to cry? And can you lend me your ears to listen to my damn grievous stories? At last, the tears that I want to choke back have been falling down my cheeks, droplet by droplet.

     “Ehhhhh… Nii-chan? Why are you crying?” His eyes are wide open because of the feeling of disbelieve and surprised. I know that he can hear my sobs. Raiya takes me into his room and we both sit on his bed. “Hey, hey… What’s wrong? Wanna share with me, nii-chan?” I look at him and sob out, “If I tell you something, will you listen at me? And will you keep that as a secret between us?” That moment, I can see his nods, “Sure, nii-chan. You can believe in me. Just tell me already, okay?”

     I take a long breath before saying, “Raiya, my heart is now broken.”

****

-Flashback-

     I looked at that girl. My mother said that she was my cousin, Nakajima Yuki. She looked so innocent and… CUTE. Her pinkish fair skin has been redder when she blushed. Awww… My heart said that she was so cute! I touched my chest, doki doki, I’ve been hearing that my heart was beating hardly when I saw her. Why am I feeling like this?

     Soon, I could hear my mother called for my name loudly, “Yuu-chan, please go and take your lunch. Ask your cousin too, okay?” My mother smiled and I just nodded my head. “Hai.” Then, my mother returned to the kitchen to resume back her works.

“Y-Yuki-chan…” I muttered her name and she lifted up her face and looked at me. I blushed even more when my eyes met hers. Ahh~ So embarrassing! I just didn’t know where should I put my face. “A-Ano… Urmm… L-Let’s eat lunch together, o-okay?” I nervously asked her. There was a smile on her face and she nodded. I was stretching out my hand for her to stand and she unexpectedly grabbed my hand back. My heart stopped thumping for a few moments.

-End of flashback-

****

     I tell Raiya the real stories, about what are the reasons why I’m crying so much. I tell him everything from A to Z, without skipping any part of the story. He is hushed after hearing and knowing everything. I know he never thought that I’ve always been in love with our cousin, Yuki. “Nii-chan… I-I’m speechless. I’ve never thought that y-you…” He couldn’t finish his words cause I’m already cutting in, “That’s I’ve always been carrying a torch for her since our first meeting years ago?” He nods his head and says, “11 years is not a short period of time, nii-chan.” He speaks in a hushed voice. He’s right, I’m agreeing with him in my heart.

     “I know, but that’s the truth. And I can’t do anything now since she is…” I can’t continue my saying as I feel a deep pang of sorrow suddenly. Raiya pats my back gently, trying to calm down myself. “Shh… nii-chan. Don’t talk anymore as it will hurt you more.” I look at him and I feel that my tears keep flowing down by seeing his calmness and gentleness. “Raiya…” He comes near me so he could embrace me. “Raiya, nii-chan is a dumbo, right? For not telling her about what I feel for her? I’m such an awfully stupid.” His shoulder is wet from my tears. “Shh… Don’t say like that. You’re not stupid, nii-chan.” His patting movement on my back gives me some kind of calmness.

     “I-I’m being hypocrite too. I said to Daichan that I’m feeling happy for him to be in a relationship with Yuki-chan but far beneath the surface, I’m not. In front of them, I’ll fake a smile and laugh although I am not enjoying myself.” I look into his eyes. God, I need strength right now. “I just don’t want anyone to find out or else I will become estranged from Dai-chan and Yuki-chan. I don’t want to lose both of them cause they are so important in my life. I love and cherish them both. Ne Raiya, is it hypocritical to act like everything is hunky-dory?” I see Raiya is shaking his head, “You’re not hypocrite, nii-chan… yet I think hardly of you. You honourably disregard your feelings just because of your love and you want to preserve your friendship and ties with Daiki nii-chan and Yuki nee-chan. You’re great, nii-chan. Hontouni sugee! If I’m in your shoes, I don’t think that I can be like you.”

     I look at him with the teary eyes before resuming, “Promise me a thing, Raiya. Just one thing, please…” He looks at me with a questioning look. I implore him with my eyes filling with tears, “Promise me that you won’t tell anyone about this. Everything that I’ve told you is very hush-hush. Can you promise me that?” He nods his head with a warm smile on his face, “Hai, I will!” I look at him with imploring eyes and smiled blandly, “Arigatou…”

     God, I feel like there are lots of bamboo splinters in my heart. It’s so painful until I feel like there is nothing can cure this heart of mine. I’m asking myself at all times of why I am given this excruciating pain? What did I do wrong until I am penalized this much? I am not that strong to endure this. I am a feeble servant, dear God. I am FEEBLE! God, do you detest me? Is that why you test me this much? I keep grieving of myself until my sight turns all black. I feel asleep in my little brother’s warm embrace.

****

     I am having headache when I wake up the next day because of crying too much. My eyes are becoming quite puffy. Today, I have to go to a rehearsal for my group, Hey!Say!JUMP’s upcoming concert. Yes, I have to go and I don’t have any other chance left. Because of that, I’ve to endure my feelings when seeing Daiki. I walk to the bathroom to get ready of myself without the spirit and mood.

****

-Flashback-

     Yuki-chan was staying at my house again for a few days. She has grown up a lot now and becoming a cute and lovely girl. I was just 13 years old but I already knew that I was head over heels in love with Yuki-chan. I was trying to control myself when talking and facing her or she would notice how red my face would become.

     “Hisashiburi desu ne, Yuu-chan.” She smiled at me and seriously that has made my heart throbbed. That’s the best and sweetest smile ever! Nyuu~ Yuto, you stupid ert!! I scolded my own self. “H-Hisashiburi desu ne, Yuki-chan…” I replied quite stammer. Gosh! I thought my heart was going to explode now. This was too much heart beating.

     I took a seat beside her in front of the television and I could see that she was staring at me. My heart stopped beating for a few moments when I realized her stare, “W-What are you staring at? S-Stop it, i-it’s embarrassing!” I knew that I was blushing already.

            My face turned redder and redder when she laughed. “W-Why are you laughing?” God, why can’t I stop talking with a stammer? “Betsuni… It is fun to tease you.”

     I looked away, trying to avoid her gaze, “Sou ka… You’re so naughty Yuki-chan.” She laughed again and again. Seriously, that was soooooooooo cute of her! But suddenly she remained silent. That’s bothering me so I asked her.

“Why are you being silent?”

“Do you miss me, dear Yuu-chan cousin?”

     We asked different questions at the same time. My heart throbs. She asked me… WHETHER I MISSED HER OR NOT?! Then we laughed together. She said while laughing softly, “We ask questions to each other concurrently. Are you copying me?”

     Yuki-chan, why couldn’t you understand? That this was not just a mere coincidence? This was destined beforehand by God. Maybe we could be partners in the future? How I wished that it would become true and reality!!

     I shook my head, “Iie, you’re the one who I thought are copying me. By the way, what did you ask me just now?” I asked her to repeat her question because I wanted to make sure of myself that I was not hearing it wrong. She looked straight at my face while smiling, “Do you miss me? I ask you that…”

     “Mochiron! I miss you a lot!!” I eagerly said. Gosh! Why couldn’t I control myself? She smiled again broadly, “Hontou? I miss you too. Because you are like a brother to me since I’m a single child in my family…”

I didn’t know why but her last words really made me feel sad. She just assumed me as her brother? Yuki-chan, just if you knew what I felt for you… Would you mad at me?

-End of flashback-

****

     “Ohayou, Yuu-chan!” Chinen greets me as always with a cheerful voice. I try to fake a smile even it is hard, “Ohayou!” How I wish that I can be the real me… Chinen grabs my hand and pushes me inside the building. “Let’s go inside, Yuu-chan. We’ll be late.” I just nod my head.

     Inside the building, I see a few of Hey!Say!JUMP members; Yabu, Takaki, Hikaru, Keito, Inoo… Luckily, Daiki is not here yet! Yokatta desu~ I can calm myself for a while now. I smiled alone. Chinen and I come closer to where the others are, “Ohayou, minna.”

     They smile at us and say concurrently, “Ohayou, Yuto, Chinen.” I take a seat beside Keito and ask him, “Still studying?” He lifts up his face and smiles, “Yeah, just a little bit more.” I just nod my head. He sure studies a lot. I’m being in a trance suddenly, thinking of the love triangle between me, Yuki and my own best friend, Daiki. I feel sad when thinking that I can’t compete with Daiki because he’s much better than me.

     “Ohayou, Dai-chan, Yama-chan.” I can hear Chinen’s cheerful voice. He just said ‘Daiki’ just now, right? I feel nervous to face Daiki. My heart really has skipped a beat. I’m not ready to face him with this kind of chaotic feelings of mine. I’m scared if my tears will fall down when facing him. O God, help me! Tasukete kudasai!!

     My heart thuds even more when he takes a seat beside me. I’m trying to not lifting up my face and also trying to control myself from being nervous and crying in front of others especially him. I’m scared if I’m going to be feeble. I’m scared. I need strength right now. I can feel that my shoulder has been patted. Is it his doing?

     “Ohayou, Yuu-chan.” I just knew that I’m right! It is him! My face is raised up automatically and I don’t know why. I want to fake a smile but why is it so hard to fake it? It feels like my smiling muscles have been damaged. “O-Ohayou, Dai-chan…” I reply his greet slowly without looking into his eyes. My smile is just bland without any feeling.

     “Are you sick, Yuu-chan? You look so dispirited today.” He asks me and seriously I don’t know how to answer him. Will I be caught by him now? I look at Chinen in front of me who’s playing with his cell phone while thinking what should I make as excuses? “I-I’m fine. Hontouni daijoubu desu. Shinpaishinaide ne~” I fake a smile again. I feel like I’m very hypocrite to myself and everyone else these days. Then, I can see he’s nodding his head, “If you said so… Yokatta~”

     Suddenly he comes closer to me and whispers in my left ear, “Ne, ne Yuu-chan… Do you realize something about Chinen and Ryo-chan?” I look at him. “About Chinen? About Yama-chan? What is it? I’ve no idea.”

     He smiles a bit, “They seem to be in love these days.” Hearing what he just said is so irksome to me. This really is annoying! I reply his smile wryly and say, “Don’t just talk about them if you’re also in love, Dai-chan. It’s like ‘the pot calling the kettle black’.”

     “It’s not like that. It’s true that I’m also in love but the fact is you all KNOW that. But we don’t know about their hearts, about what they feel right now. They seem secretive, Yuu-chan. What I know is I can see that they’re in love by looking into their eyes. Those eyes look so lively and full of love!” He whines. Hearing his elucidation has made me think for a while before nodding my head. “Yeah, you’re right. I think so too.”

     I give Chinen and Yama-chan a stare before saying, “Chinen seems to becoming to like his cell phone. He doesn’t use it always before. And Yama-chan… What I realize about him is, he’s becoming more like his shoujo mangas’ characters. He sure has smiled alone a lot these days. Sometimes it can be spooky too. And something lovey is playing in their eyes.” If yes they’re in love, I bet they sure feel rejoice now. I let out a deep sigh of depression and frustration.

     “Yes! Now you get the point!!” A smile is lit up on Dai-chan’s face. He really looks so cute and maybe that’s the reason why Yuki-chan can fall in love with him. Dai-chan is a guy full of attractions and charismas. I know that I can’t beat him in that. The best man wins after all.

“Hey, what are you both talking about? It seems interesting.” Yabu interferes but before we could answer him, our dance instructor has come.

****

     We are given a break for our rehearsal. After drinking the mineral water, I come closer to where Chinen, Yama-chan and Dai-chan are. I feel like I can hear that they’re talking about Yuki-chan. Is it me that is being delusional? I take a sit beside Yama-chan, “What are you talking about? Anything interesting?”

     Yama-chan answers me while smiling warmly, “Betsuni. Just random talks, Yuu-chan.” After hearing his answer, we remain silent. I’m wondering whether I should ask for their opinions about something that is always bothering me. “Yama-chan, you and Chinen are best friends. What if someday, both of you fall in love with the same girl? What will you do?” God, I hope by asking them this can make find the conclusion for these chaotic feelings of mine. I want to be the old Nakajima Yuto. I’m sick and tired already of being hypocrite to myself, to others.

     I’m freaking out, waiting for their answers. Three of them; Dai-chan, Yama-chan and Chinen are looking at me with the feeling of shocked. Maybe they’re feeling shocked of my sudden and unpredictable question. A few moments later, I can hear Yama-chan’s laugh. “That kind of thing… will that happen? I don’t think so, Yuu-chan.”

     I reply impatiently, “Ne Ryo-chan. I just said ‘if’… I know that won’t happen. I just want to know what you will do if it’s happening.” I take a deep breath before resuming and looking at Chinen, “And you Chinen, do you hear what I’m asking Ryo-chan?” Chinen looks at me back, “Yes, I am listening to you guys.”

     “If that is happening, I think I’ll pass. Chinen is my best friend, right? If he’s feeling happy with her, I don’t mind.” Yama-chan gives me a straight answer calmly. But nobody knows what’s in his heart right now, right? Only he and God know…

     Dai-chan suddenly interferes, maybe he’s not feeling satisfied with Yama-chan’s answer, “What, are you really a human? Sacrificing your feelings just because of your best friend?” There are creases on his forehead. And I know that everyone feels dumbfounded to hear Yama-chan’s saying.

     “Of course I’m a human, Dai-chan.” He cutely laughs before resuming back his answer. “For me, Chinen’s happiness is like mine too. And I know that I can’t compete with Chinen.” Then, he’s being silent. If Yama-chan said like that, I wonder what about Chinen? What will he say?

     “Sou ka… Chinen, what about you?” I take a look at him and he looks back at me. Quickly he stops playing with his cell phone and looks at three of us, “Eeeh? Me?” He asks childishly like always he does.

     I feel quite disappointed of his behavior. He seems to be not listening to me and others. My head is shook, “Yes, I’m asking you Chinen. What’s with you? These days you’ve been playing with your cell phone and sometimes I can see that you’re being in a trance. Do you have any problem, Chinen?”

     “No, I don’t. Shinpaishinaide, minna. Ahh~ Yes, about what you’ve asked me!” He laughs softly before being silent. It’s weird when seeing he’s staring at Yama-chan and of course Yama-chan is feeling uneasy to be stared. “Wh-What? Why are you staring at me like that?” Yama-chan asks Chinen with a quite loud voice.

     Then, we can see that Chinen is smiling sweetly. “There’s nothing. I’m just thinking for a while.” He remains silent before saying, “If Yama-chan and I love the same girl, I think I’ll let her go to Yama-chan because he shouldn’t sacrifice his feelings just because of someone like me. I feel like Yama-chan can make her happy, better than me and I don’t think that I can make that girl feels happy with me. I’ve a sharp tongue, right? She’ll be hurt by my despicable words. So, don’t worry, Yama-chan. Your love is safe with you! That girl and I can have a relationship but just as friends. Not more than that.” He laughs a little.

     I wonder what I should do. God, please help me! Give me your guidance in this matter. I’m asking you this. I can’t think anything to solve this heart matters. Everything is all tangled and complicated. Emotions are complicated after all. “Whoa~ Both of you want to give up on that girl! But at the end, that girl will be whose? You, Ryo-chan or Chinen?” Daiki asks Yama-chan and Chinen. Both of us, Daiki and I are looking at them with the feeling of impatient for their answers.

     Chinen gives an answer first before Yama-chan could open his mouth, “Will be Yama-chan’s, of course! Am I right, Yama-chan?” He looks at Yama-chan with a warm smile is carved on his face and he smiles back at Chinen. “Ahh~ Yes. If you said so, what are the choices do I have left. I will take her but I hope you won’t end up jealous of our happiness~” Yama-chan says softly while laughing. “Take my words, I won’t.” Chinen says while patting Yama-chan’s back gently.

     God, is this your answer for what I’ve asked you? Is that what you want me to do? To forget Yuki-chan, my first love? Will that going to be hard for me? Dear God, if I’m going to fall, will you help me to get up? If I’m too weak to endure this, will you give me the strength? If I’m not meant to be with Yuki-chan, I’ll try to resigned on your destiny. I will forget her for good. Maybe she is Dai-chan’s fate.

A few days past…

     That night, I’m watching the television with Raiya after having dinner with my family. My father is sitting on the sofa while reading today’s newspapers and my mother is sitting beside him. I don’t pay much attention on the television because I keep remembering the past between Yuki-chan and me.

-Flashback-

     After having our dinner, Yuki-chan and I were revising our studies together. She asked me to tutor her in her studies. And I’m gladly accepted her requested. She asked me a lot of things about her studies and I tried to answer her as best as I could. For me, I would do anything for her even she didn’t know how much I felt for her. Even I have to risk my life just to protect her, I would gladly do it. It’s because I love her so much.

     I yawned and I felt sleepy suddenly. I looked at the clock on the wall. Gosh! I didn’t realize that it was already 10.30 p.m. Time sure has elapsed very fast ne~! I took a look at Yuki-chan who was sitting in front of me and I laughed alone. She has been in a dreamland already. I didn’t realize it. Maybe she felt tired now. I gave her a very sweet and warm smile, “Oyasumi, Yuki-chan.” I didn’t care if she heard that or not.

     I made a decision to bring her into her room. Quickly I stood up and lifted up her body, making my way to her room that was not so far from where we were now. After entering her room, I put and lied her down on the bed. Then, I covered her body with a soft and furry blanket. I looked straight at her face. She sure looked like an angel with the reddish fair skin, pinkish lips, her eyelashes which were long and curve upwards and her slightly brownish hair that was about shoulder length. For me, she was perfect! And my heart will skip a beat whenever I saw her.

     I didn’t know what was in my mind until I could kiss her lips. When I realized it, I was feeling mad and I felt guilty for kissing her without her will and I almost wanted to shout. Luckily she didn’t wake up from her sleep. With a red face because of too much blushing, I dashed out her room. It was so embarrassing. I’ve never thought that I was this ert. I’m sorry, Yuki-chan for stealing your first kiss.

-End of flashback-

     I was taken to the reality when Raiya calls me while shaking my body, “Hey, nii-chan. Nii-chan!” I look at him with confusion, “Nani, nani?” He lets out a deep and long sigh, “Okaasan asked you something. Did you listen to her or not, nii-chan?”

     “Eh? Eh? Hontou? I didn’t realize about it.” I look at my mother, “What did you ask me just now, okaasan?” She is shaking her head for a few times, “Yuu-chan. I was asking you about Yuki-chan just now. But I didn’t expect you to be not listening.” She… WHAT?! She asked me about Yuki-chan? What about? My heart throbs suddenly. Ahh~ This is so suffocating!

     “About Yuki-chan? What is it, okaasan? And I’m sorry for not listening to you. I was being in a trance just now. Gomenne okaasan.” I fake a smile. “It’s okay.” She smiled at me sweetly, “I was going to Yuki-chan’s house this morning. Well, I paid her a visit. She looked so happy to see me but then she asked me about you.”

     “She asked about me? What is it?” I’m giving all of my attention to my mother.

     “It seems like you don’t pay her a visit quite for a long time. Why is it? She misses you, Yuu-chan.” No… Enough. I don’t want to hear any more of it. When I’m about to forget her, people around me seem to be like to make me remember her. Why? Please… I want to forget her, but why can’t I? I’ve forced myself but she seems to be stuck in my head and mind.

     I look at Raiya to look for strength and he holds my hands tightly, “I’m quite busy with my career, okaasan.” God, I’m on the verge of tears now but I’m trying very hard to choke back the tears. My mother say, “I know but please at least pay her a visit. You’re her brother, right?” Then, am I really like a brother to her? Without realizing, I just nod my head. “I-I’ll pay her a visit… tomorrow.” I say bitterly. Yuto, you baka! Don’t make a promise if you feel it is hard to fulfill your promise!!

My mother seems to be satisfied and happy with my answer. And I just let out a sigh of depression. I hate this strained atmosphere…

****

     Her room is opened a little and I am hesitating whether to enter her room or not. Her mother said that I should go to her room myself. I feel very, very nervous to face her. I feel a bit calm when not seeing her these past few days. But now, I feel that my feelings have been chaotic again. I stand still and frozen in front of her door.

     But, after making a decision to enter and see her, I see something awfully painful for me to accept. My eyes and mouth are wide open into the ‘O’ shape and I burst into tears. I see Dai-chan and Yuki-chan. His arms are wrapped around her waist and Yuki-chan’s arms are held closely around Dai-chan’s neck. Th-They…. KISSED?!!! They look so happy. But I’m not. I can’t endure this excruciating pain when seeing them like that. I feel like my heart has been stabbed cruelly for times.

     My knees feel feeble and my sights almost turn all black. I-I don’t think that I can face them right now. It’s better if I go away. I don’t want to be a disturbance to them. Let them be like that, says my heart. Goodbye, my love. Thanks for letting me to love you even just for a moment. I will force myself to forget you. Dai-chan, please take a good care of Yuki-chan. I believe in you and I know that you can make her happy. No matter what’s happening, please protect her. Sayonara…

Quickly I dash out of the house with the tears of frustration and the injured heart.

Goodbye my tears....

Goodbye my pains....

Goodbye my sadness....

Goodbye my feelings....

Goodbye my love life....

Goodbye my first love....

Goodbye my frustration....

Goodbye my memories....

Goodbye everything....

I hope we'll never meet again....

Just go away... and leave me alone!                      

                                                                                                                                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End of Chapter Eight…

Chapter Nine is still in process~ :)                                                                                                                       

Your comments are welcome to improve my writing...

Sincerely;                                                                                                                                                

Mariya Ichigo