March,2012

It's spring, Hanbin oppa's favorite season. The temperature is getting warmer, and the trees are starting to grow back. I'm here with Hanbin, Jiwon and Jinhwan oppa at our favorite tteokbokki shop near our dorm. I should be having fun, but I wasn't at all, because tomorrow I have to go to London, just like Jiyong oppa wishes. I really don't want to go there, but Jiyong oppa started bringing our parents to his side, making them forced me to go to London, and I can't say no to them. I went back to my parents' house last week, I told Hanbin oppa that my parents misses me, but it was a lie, I came there to pack my luggage. Jiwon oppa and Jinhwan oppa already found out last week, they were totally furious, but in the end they tried to understand me. I haven't told Hanbin oppa about this, I can't, I know what was going to happen if he were to know, and I was a coward, I just don't have the courage to tell him about this.

"Feed me~" Hanbin oppa opened his mouth. I tried to have fun as much as I could. I put the tteokbokki in his mouth. and suddenly Jiwon oppa started to think it was a competition, so who is feed by me first will be the winner. We were laughing so much that tears almost came out of my eyes, not sure if it was because of laughter or sadness. We all went home after 2 hours, hand in hand. I really didn't want this to end.

"Can I borrow your money for a while? I really want to buy choco cone but I don't have any small change." He looked so desperate wanting to buy his choco cone.

"Sure, my wallet is in my bag." I pointed to my bag hanged in the corner of my room. "Buy me one too and be back soon since I have to stay in my parents' house tonight." I continued.

But then I realize that there was something in my bag that he shouldn't see. I was gonna stop him, but it was definitely too late when I saw him holding my flight tickets.

"Whats this?" he said, I can sense pain, hurt, betrayed and angry in his voice. I stayed quiet, unable to face him. "Tell me what is this, Kwon Ahyoung." He was furious, without doubt, that he would probably shout at me in a second.

"I'm sorry." I said, coming out really softly like I was murmuring. 

"Why didn't you tell me about this?!" He shouted, but I wasn't scared, instead it was right for him to act like that, I betrayed him.

"I'm sorry." I said the same thing all over again, unable to say something more than that.

"I don't need your sorry! I need an answer!" He shouted again, this time more shaky but louder.

"Because I know that you're gonna act this way. Yes I'm a coward and I don't have the courage to tell you, to hurt you like this!" I shouted back, now looking at his face. There are tears in my eyes, threatening to fall.

"Wh-" I stopped him before he could continue his words.

"I'm sure I'll be okay, and I know you'll be okay too." I tried to be as calm as possible and give him a smile. I lied, I know I won't be okay, and he wouldn't too. He went outside and slammed the door of my rooms. I hope that he would come tomorrow, but the other part of me says he wouldn't. So I decided to write him a letter and fold it into a paper plane.

The next evening was the day that I wish I can be invisible. I need to go to another part of the world, away from Hanbin, Jiwon and jinhwan oppa; my world, and I lost them. Before I went to the airport, I asked my brother for a favor.

"Now that I finally listened to you, I need to ask you a favor." He nodded. "Please take care and help Hanbin oppa really well, just like would treat me. Also Jiwon and Jinhwan oppa." My tears threatened to fall out.

"I promise you." I hugged him before going, so he wouldn't see my tears, me crying. "and I'm sorry. " he murmured. and I know I couldn't hate him at all even if he did this to me. He was my brother, and I can totally see that he doesn't want to let me go, he was doing this for me, not for himself. He was hurt too.

I went to the airport, with no soul, trying to hold back my tears as hard as I could. It was raining heavily, and the wind was blowing so hard, as if the sky can read my feelings. When I arrived, I saw Jiwon and Jinhwan oppa are waiting there near the door. I went to them with my luggages and bag in my hands. I left the luggages there standing and run to hug them both as tight as I could.

"I'm sorry for betraying you. I'm sorry for making your life hard taking care of me. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for everything. But most of all thank you for being you. I'm really glad I met you both." The tears I tried to hold onto, betrayed me, I couldn't hold it any longer. "I'll miss you guys. Please debut soon." I said between my sobs.

Jiwon oppa lift my face up and erase my tears with his hands. "Don't cry" he pouted. "Then I promise you one thing, we will debut and make you proud." he showed his distinctive bunny smile that always cheered me up.

Jinhwan oppa caress my head softly as in trying to comfort me. "Don't cry please, I don't want to let you go crying, I want to see you off smiling."