2009

                The class erupts into an earth-shattering laughter once the random papers are opened. Mei Yuan, the shy, tiny girl who always stutters in class gets the role of the prince charming, and Zhang Yixing has this hilarious blank look while showcasing his paper which has ‘princess’ written in it.

                “Isn’t it a great result? Go to work, class.” the drama teacher throws her trademark smile, and leaves the frantic class. I grab my measuring tape from under my desk, and confidently approaches Zhang Yixing’s desk.

                I appear dramatically before him, and stretch out the tape. “As the female costume designer of this production, I will officially begin my task.”

                Yixing looks terrified, and his face goes pale.

                “Come here. I’ll measure you.”

                “You look like you’re going to strangle me with the tape!” he takes off from his desk to the door.

                “I am.” I let out a hysterical laugh, and start running towards him, with our classmates’ hilarity in the background. Yixing’s feet also go into action, and I’m chasing him down the corridor. Near the stairs he gives up, and leans on the window.

                “Does it make sense? Me as the princess?”

                “You’re a pretty boy, it’ll work. I’m going to make you a very pretty dress.”

                “Why are you into designing out of the blue? Have you even made clothes previously?”

                “You talk too much.” I take turns between measuring his arm and writing his sizes on a paper. “Ha, you don’t know how many clothes I’ve made! I’ve created a lot for my mother and aunts, and I’ve done this measuring thing so often—“

                I move on to measure his chest, and my eyes land at his exposed collarbone beneath the white uniform. I’m standing nearly an inch in front of him, and my hands suddenly feel numb, I can’t even feel the measuring tape. I never feel so small before. When did he grow taller?

                “Then are you going to become a fashion designer?”

                “It’s going to be a long way, maybe I’ll start working for the senior designers first.” my voice gets smaller. Due to this distance I want to complete this area quickly, but my hands stiffen too much. Why aren’t you cooperating, muscles?

                “Okay, let’s see how pretty you’re going to make my dress first, and we’ll see your future.”

                Yixing said that in such a sassy way, and I burst into laughter. I get less tense, and measuring his waist is easier since I need to just look down, avoiding his sight.

                “Yeah, okay, let’s see.”

2016

                I stand there frozen inside the studio as the designer brings in the actor he’ll make model for his newest collection.

                “—it’s too bad that William Chan has scheduling conflicts so he can’t work with us, but look who we have here! Zhang Yixing!” the designer’s voice surrounds the whole studio. “But really, I like it more that I’m working with you.” he adds with a lower tone.

                Yixing laughs slowly, and I have my eyes fixed on him. I try to look down, with all my might, but I can’t.

                “I have so many ideas. First, I need to know your size first. My staff will measure you—“

                The designer points at me, and I just want to hang myself with the tape around my neck right now. I can feel that Yixing recognizes me right away, and he also freezes for a second.

                He walks towards me, while the designer continues to talk to his manager. I slowly bow to him, and pull out the tape. No words are spoken for the first few seconds.

                “Isn’t this like déjà vu?”

                His voice even sounds the same, after all these years. I lock my lips firmly, as I slightly touch his arm to make him lift it. My fingers hurt from all the anguish I put into them.

                “You achieved your dream.”

                “Still far from it.” I mutter.

                “I know you can make it.”

                I grit my teeth. An encouragement is number nth of words I need to hear from him right now.

                “I really don’t expect to meet you here.”

                “And I don’t expect to meet you ever again.” I respond instantly, too quickly. I’m this close from exploding.

                “I can’t even give you an apology.”

                I start measuring his chest, and memories hit me. Not in a beautiful, water-splash way, but it just simply feels like rocks are thrown at me. I almost lose my composure, but I put more livid energy on my fingers, and they start to work again. It’s the same person from years ago, only bigger, bulkier.

                “Are you still in touch with our high school friends? When’s the next class reunion?” Yixing asks. How can he be curious about that?

                “Has this top star ever attended one, anyway?”

                “So you waited for me.”

                His words hit home, and I get a mixed feeling of humiliation and surprise because he got it right.

                I swallow. “The others did.”

                “Does this model work mean I will keep meeting you here?”

                “No, you won’t.” I answer instantly.

                “Why?”

                I hastily finish writing his size, and walk away from him. I think I got the forearm size a bit off, but I don’t care. I won’t have to deal with it later anyway.

                I go to the toilet, and look at my own reflection in the mirror. Today was a very ordinary day, just like days before. Until fifteen minutes ago.

                Yixing’s face appears on my mind, and my stomach twists. It hurts more when my brain reminds me that his very existence is right there, outside this toilet, at the studio. He’s here.

                It will be over soon. Okay. Don’t worry. Be calm.

I go back to the studio, and Yixing is still there, talking with the designer and his manager. I close my eyes, and stand near the wall, sometimes looking meaninglessly at the clothes around me. I hear that he’s leaving soon, and I try to stay properly near those people to give my greeting.

“Why can’t you see him in the eye? You’ve met a lot of stars, you should be used to it already.” the designer says at me coldly. “She must be too shy to meet Zhang Yixing, too bad it’s her last week of internship here. She’s probably sad not to be able to meet you again.” he adds to Yixing and his manager.

I lift my head, and Yixing is looking at me with a stunned face. I immediately look down again. Why the hell is his face like that? Just go.

He’s finally leaving with his manager, and I reluctantly walk along to the door. Yixing is giving his last bows to the designer, then he fixes his eyes on me. I caught it, and immediately look down. Please don’t…

Suddenly he calls my nickname, and I look up without thinking.

“I’m sorry.”

Something blocks my throat, and I can feel the designer and manager looking at me in astonishment. Yixing shuts his mouth, and turns around to leave.

Sorry. That’s it. After all these years.

I know he’s not sorry.

At least, this time, I saw his back when he left.

-

Based on VIXX's Youth Hurts.

You made me sing a love song for the first time
Then you left me
You made me listen to a break up song for the first time
You spin around me like lyrics of a sad song

The moment I started to grow up
The sight of your turned back
Told me that there are things I can’t do on my own

The day you left me without any warning
The end of my youth had come
I had no fear when it came to love
But now you made me into a coward