- 17-18 of May, 2016

UnSaid Goodbye

Taoris

 1863 words

pg | angst

A/n: You can take it as an au or a non-au story, because it can fit both. I guess the fact that it was 15th May 5 days ago and #2YearsWithoutKris was tagged everywhere made me write this. 

Kris knows Tao loves the sea. Especially at this time of the day, when the sun has fully set and the sky is dark – not pitch-black, but in its azure shade of blue – it is the most beautiful. "This way, it's dark enough to see the stars but it's not dark enough to need lights around," Tao had said once.

So he takes him there.

Those are one of the small details about Tao that he remembers from so long ago that he wonders how they haven't erased themselves from his memory. But then again, it's not surprising at all. It must be because it's just meant to be this way, after all.

He knows Tao likes it, however he is not looking up and around at the endless sky and sea merging on the horizon and sighing in content. His eyes are fixated on their feet strolling on the shore lazily; just where the water level is high enough to wash over their feet but leave them exposed when the sea withdraws. If one looks closely at them, despite their clasped hands, he would be able to see that something is off. The atmosphere is tense between them, and Kris finally admits that no matter how ideal the moment seems, it's all just the setting. Creating this reality that he wants with Tao, just like this, is impossible.  

"You are awfully quiet for an evening like this." He dares to fully look at the other man for the first time since they started walking, breaking the silence. It's uncomfortable, and he knows well why.

"I still can't believe I'm here with you." Tao says distantly.

Kris stops with his body half turned toward the other, who was walking a bit behind him. He suppresses a sigh because he knows it all. He doesn't know what else to say, and the squeeze he gives to Tao's hand is supposed to signal that he is here. "…Isn't it an enough proof to you?"

He regrets saying this the moment he lets the words out. Because this is not about that at all.

"You just… disappeared, Kris." Tao finally looks him in the eyes, the same worn out pain reflecting in his own. He states this as if Kris wasn't aware himself and needs someone to put sense into his mind. He just wants him to finally realize how big of a deal it was to him. "You just left for so long, and now you reappear telling all these things…" His voice is loaded with so many questions, and he has so little answers, or maybe he has them after all, just unable to understand.

The I knows and I'm sorrys were told so many times today that there is no use saying them anymore. Kris's heart hurts with tons of regret that hardly shows on his face, but it doesn't mean it's not there – it's just hard for him to show his emotions. He only hangs his head low and slides his fingers in between Tao's hesitantly. He is grateful that Tao lets him do this even though it must be the last thing he wants right now.

He has to make him believe.

"Do you even know – " Tao starts, but stops and then huffs unbelievably. "I've told myself thousand  times that if I see you again, I won't say all these because you are not worth it…" he rubs his face shortly before just letting it out. "Screw it. Do you think it's this simple? Do you even know how much I suffered after you were gone?"

No. But I regret every second I hurt you.

Tao heaves a long sigh after Kris's silence. "I… I've never thought I would take it this hard, when I confessed my feelings to you and after you told me you can't give me what I'm asking you for. I was young and stupid, I was really not ready for a rejection."  

The fact that Tao just quoted him word for word intensifies the pain in his chest in ten times. I'm sorry, Tao. I'm such an .

"And then… One second you are there, and the next second you are not. Running away from problems as always." The tanned boy's whisper is harsher than his gaze, worse than any shout. "The way I reacted even made me think there is something wrong with me. I couldn't stand it. I just collapsed."      

 "Tao, I…" Kris feels hot and cold all at once at the shocking news. "I didn’t know, I-I'm so– "

"N-No. Let me finish." Tao says, voice showing first signs of instability. "I starved myself. I cried and screamed until somewhere else hurt more than it hurt here." He palm comes pressing at his chest firmly, above his heart. Kris's fingers rise to touch Tao's hand there and take it in desperate apology, but the latter flinches away. "I fell sick so many times. And for what?"

The rest of his words die out at once at this moment. And Kris waits for him to continue, to be punished fully by the endless guilt caused by hurting the man he loves. Tao stays quiet looking at his face, and only then the taller acknowledges the almost invisible single tear sliding down his cheek. He thought he cried all of them all those nights back.

He never lets people see him cry.

"I hated you." Tao says coldly, starting his way away from Kris, away from the water.

"Do you still hate me?"

Tao doesn't want the question to stop him, but it does. He takes his time turning around and looking Kris back in the eyes. This is still something that is hard for him to do, just as much as answering the question. "Probably not. I don't really know." The only thing pains him is the memory of his wrecked state, and the time he wasted before he moved on. But he is done grieving over a lost lover, a lost best friend.   

One question stays trapped behind Kris's lips. His legs are taking him closer to Tao again, unable to stay away, and his agonized eyes are looking almost hopefully at him.

Is there a chance even a small part of those feelings you had still exist?

Tao is tired, and pities Kris. "Wow. After all, you really thought all it would take is to find me in the other side of the world and tell me you changed your mind – "

"I didn't just change my mind, Tao." Finally Kris breaks from frustration, eyebrows scrunched up. "I love you. I did wrong. I… I've been punishing myself for the past years and I'll keep doing it for the rest of my life, if I won't just… Make you mine. I want to make you happy."  He truly feels like sobbing now.

"Trust is known to be a fragile thing, Kris."

"Please forgive me." There is nothing left for the taller but to plead. "Give me a chance to fix what I ruined."

He doesn't deserve to appease his guilt, Tao thinks. He doesn't deserve to clean his conscious. He feels a gentle touch on his cheek, and he casts his gaze on the shirt in front of him rather on his eyes. So that's how it feels to have Kris's palm caressing my cheek, he thinks, as if telling Tao from the past, who longed so much for this touch. And that's how it feels to have his soft breath ghosting over my lips.

He doesn't move away until the last moment, lowering his head to escape the connection of their lips. That's the furthest it goes.

"I already did, you know," Tao speaks again after a while. "I forgave you."

Tao turns to walk back to the spot they left their shoes at, and he doesn’t look like he is waiting for Kris. "So, is this a goodbye?" He hears from behind and stops. For once, Kris is willing to say goodbye properly, it seems. He is tempted to just stay quiet and walk away.

"I guess I deserve it – silence in return." Kris murmurs, heart sinking so hard he is breathless. Now, he knows it's the end. He lost. All those long weeks of searching and planning… Who was he kidding. Of course Tao wasn't seating and waiting for him all these years. Him jumping into his arms can happen only in fairytales. He might even have someone right now, and he so foolishly pleaded for him to give him a chance as lovers.

The thought is choking, so Kris leaves it because it doesn't really matter. He fishes his phone from his shorts pocket in a haze, dials a number, eyes not leaving Tao's retreating nape all the while.

"Book me a ticket back home." He tells the person in the other side. He watches Tao slow hesitantly to a halt. "Yes I'm going back already. Only one. Tomorrow." He meets Tao's unreadable gaze, and after all these years he can still read when Tao wants to say something.

"Kris…Are you okay?" The voice on the other side is loud enough for the both of them to hear.

Is he? No, he is not. He takes in a shaky breath. "I'll call you."

The phone is lowered, and Kris lets Tao the opportunity to say his final things before he goes his way. Tao takes his time to start speaking, and the taller counts ten lights lit up one by one to their left until he does.

"You might… want to visit our popular places before you leave the country."

Kris frowns.

"Italy was always special to you, wasn't it? You shouldn't waste the opportunity." Kris is not the only one still remembering things, and maybe clinging onto them so they won't vanish away.

"How'd you…" The older swallows the thick lump in his throat. "How'd you know I still haven't been here?"

"Because I know." The smallest of smiles appears on Tao's lips, but Kris still catches it, still so overwhelmed by it, that he almost misses his next sentence. "I promised I'll go with you one day, remember? And breaking promises… it's not my thing. You'll need more than an actual one day to visit anywhere."

Kris asks himself if imagines this, the sudden softness in his voice, the invitation to stay, and maybe, just maybe, the chance to start over – first of all as friends. His heart is about to explode with every step he takes back to Tao, and to the sight of Tao's smile that isn't that shy as it used to be back then.

"Are you serious now?" His lips stretch to a bright beam. Nobody can possibly be happier than he is right now.

The younger simply replies him with a "You better call and cancel that flight. With that brain of yours you must've already forgotten."

Kris laughs for the first time since so long, and this is the greatest feeling ever. Or almost – He's pretty sure that Tao's fingers around his wrist as he drags him away from the beach feels better than anything else in the world.