- End of August - beginning of September

Upside-Down

Xiuchen

 4572 words

angst, romance  |  r

Trigger warning: mentions of abuse.
(Please tell me if you find anything else that should be included in the warning)

requested by bubble1765

A/n: I would like to apologize in advance.

Minseok would have never imagined a day will come when his best friend won't be able to look him in the eyes.

"J-Jonngdae… What is this?" He is holding the other's hand up, his sleeve rolled up, staring in horror at the ugly circles around his wrists. Dark, blotched skin in a sickening blue- purplish color. The realization of their existence, right there on Jongdae's beautiful skin, is like a slap in the face to him – sudden, and painful, and utterly incomprehensible.

But what is more painful to Minseok is to see how hard his best friend is trying to avoid the question, muttering "It's… it's nothing, Minseok. I-It's okay, it doesn't hurt anyways…" The expression on Jongdae's face was so alien it scared him.

"Did he do this to you?" The older whispers.

Jongdae's face exposes the answer, lips twitching like he hoped Minseok won't ask him this. But truthfully, how wouldn't his best friend realize the answer right away?

"Damn it – "

"No, wait, Minseok ," Jongdae is quick to grab him by the arm. "This is not… this is not what you're thinking. It's just…" He lowers his gaze. "You know, how he… I mean, he likes it that way, so I…" He says quietly, shrugging.

Minseok clenches his jaw, getting closer just enough to lift the ham of the other's sweater. His breath is trapped in his lungs when he finds the same marks on Jongdae's hips, and going down under the waistband…

What Jongdae is trying to say is - My boyfriend likes our rough.

Minseok finds himself unable to saying anything more. He was always careful when it came to other's love life; he always took a step back. Now he was just frozen, and numb.

Jongdae makes him promise he won't do or say anything about it.

Minseok had met Jongdae on their second year of college, and the younger was already a part of a package back then. Chen and Lay, or better known as Jongdae and Yixing – a couple admired by many from the moment they stepped into the college and until they both finished it. The former is sweet and cheerful, and the latter - charismatic and handsome.

Minseok is rarely wrong about people; approaching Jongdae at that fateful first day earned him a best friend with a special bond right away. Jongdae has been a person of genuineness and gentleness from the first moment, and his cattish smile and rolling laugher were a cure for Minseok more that thousands of times.

Gentle. The thought of anyone behaving with anything but equal gentleness toward him angers Minseok beyond imagination. But the thing that makes him finally burst is something else.

"Again, Jongdae? Are you telling me again this is nothing!? This is far from the first, or the second time, and they're just getting worse!"

It's the realization that Jongdae does nothing to stop it.

"I-I told you they are healing! Leave it – "

"Healing? He doesn't even let them heal before he hurts the same place, what the !? And what, you wanna tell me this is too from your ?!" Minseok spits, taking Jongdae chin to refer to the well made up bruise on his face.     

Jongdae frees his face from the other's hold, averting his scowl away.

Minseok would have never thought a day will come when he’ll raise his voice at Jongdae. Or that Jongdae will ever lie to him. Yet both happened today. Right now.

"Why…? Why are you letting him treat you like that? Why aren't you resisting? Why aren't you– " The latter's voice breaks, and he looks up and heaves a deep agonized sigh. He knows the other too well to know that he won't hurt a fly, let alone the guy he is in love with.

"You are asking me why…? You are not asking me what happened?" Jongdae asks, scandalous.

"I don't care, okay? One does not hit his partner, no matter what happens. No one gets to hit you, you hear me?" Minseok whispers, holding the other by the arms. He pulls him into a hug, hoping that maybe this will mend his own broken soul. "I'll fix this. I'll take care of this, I promise." 

Jongdae returns him a hug, buries his face in his shoulder. "Please…" He pleads, and the pain in his voice washes over Minseok, settles in his chest and squeezes his heart. "Don't, Minseok, please… leave it be, o-okay? Just – " He chokes on his tears, and it breaks Minseok's heart all over again.

"Are you gonna keep sitting like this, you two? There are plenty of seats, you know." Kai asks amusedly, cocking a brow at Jongdae who is sitting on Yixing's lap.

"No, it's okay. He is getting fond of this position these days, right, babe?" Yixing answers, earning smacks from his blushing boyfriend and hoots from their circle of friends.

Minseok averts his glare to their hands. These hands, that are clasped together, fingers laced – that were pressed down on the matrass or against the wall, or neither even, the one griping harshly, the other clenched weakly –

Minseok muffles a growl in the last moment and storms suddenly out of the room, leaving his friends completely puzzled.

The fury is burning his insides, maddening him. Unable to hold it inside, he kicks at a random plastic chair in the lobby on his way out. Only when the wind hits his face he realizes how bad his hands are shaking.

How can Yixing be such a liar? How can both of them seat like that, look so happy and in love when behind closed doors, Yixing lets himself handle so harshly with the one who is supposed to be the most important person to him!? On his way out, he caught his gaze. People say eyes are the mirror of the soul. He saw his true self, the gaze that hides behind the cool, chilled guy everyone thinks he is.

This gaze looked like he can bury anyone if only he wished to.

Minseok is rarely wrong about people - he has never been close friends with him.

Minseok has never imagined a day will come and he'll hesitate before answering a call from Jongdae.

It's 3Am.

"Hello?"

"Minseok," Jongdae's voice is very hoarse, struggling to stay steady "Please, can you open the door?" – A grunt of pain escapes and reaches the other side of the phone.

Paling immediately, the older stumbles to the door without even ending the call, before he swings open the front door of his apartment.

"J-Jongdae – " He breaths out, unable to believe that his friend is here at this hour, in this state, he must be dreaming, right?  He must be dreaming the fresh bleeding bruises, the darkening wounds, and the pain scribbled all over his face as he holds his side.

"Sorry… I –I came unannounced – " He tries to take a step forward but his legs give out suddenly. Minseok holds him in his arms in an instance.

"Do I ever care if you come unannounced…?" The older asks in a daze, forced to close his eyes shut and take deep breaths before he can finally calm down. When he opens them he sees the other's face, and it's a mistake; the sight of his tear-soaked cheeks send misery waves in his entire body like electric shocks. He reaches to wipe the tears away with trembling fingers, then brush the hair that cover a bruise on his forehead.

"He… he just…" Jongdae doesn't know what to say to stop him from bolting toward Yixing wherever he is and beat the hell out of him.

Minseok doesn't even have the power to be angry seeing the person in front of him in pain. Yixing is a scratch in his mind – all he focuses on is Jongdae and his wellbeing. He helps the injured boy inside silently, settles him gently on the couch and fishes out his first aid kit. It's sad, knowing how varied the content inside is these days. Minseok had never bothered having so many remedies and medicine organized in one place, not until… this. Jongdae kept coming to him in the previous numbered times – or maybe this is Minseok who kept approaching him, taking his treatment into his own hands.

With every of the substance on the other's palm, the older's chest tightens instead of finding its relief. Finally he can't hold himself anymore, letting tears slip past his eyes.

"Minseok…"

"I hate this." He props his elbows on his knees, bowing his head down. "I can't see you like this, Jongdae…" He presses the other's palm gently against his cheek. "Why don't you see this is not normal?" Don't you already hate him for this? He wants to ask.

The other keeps mum, biting the inside of his cheek to blood. He settles his other palm on the older's head, gliding his fingers in his soft hair in a soothing manner. This action is meant to help both ease their suffering, show appreciation and gratitude. Minseok's touch is so pleasant, if only it could take all his problems away… Jongdae focuses only on it for a long time.

Before the older finishes attending the wounds, Jongdae finally speaks. "Tonight he… he came back home drunk. From the club. A-And he was reeking. with s-someone else's cologne – I got mad, and…" Jongdae lets out choked words, blinking his tears away again. "You know how bad his anger gets when he is drunk…" Minseok looks at him with such big sad eyes that he just lets the tears free again.

And after all what this bustard has done, you are still crying over his stupidity… Minseok thinks. How come such a pure person has found himself an of a boyfriend?     

"Can I stay the night?"

Minseok doesn't even answers to that.

When Jongdae presses his bare chest to Minseok's equally bared side and drifts fast into sleep, Minseok is far from this state. His gaze takes it's time to brush on the other's features, on the now clean and treated skin. His heart as if suddenly jolts back to live, demands to be noticed, and thoughts that were trapped for a while now start floating involuntarily in his mind. He scoots away a damp strand of hair out of Jongdae's closed eyes with gentleness that was always saved only for him.

Oh, how would he want to take Yixing's place to show Jongdae what real love is.

Days come and their group sees Yixing less and less. "He is busy", "He couldn't make it" become more frequent, and Minseok doesn't know if he should be relieved or - the opposite – worried, seeing Jongdae's discomfort as he apologizes for his absence.

Minseok makes sure to wipe away any trace of any negative feelings out of younger's face when he visits more and more these day. It feels like he is reliving his college days, when life was filled with carefree laugher and joyful moments. A little over two years have passed since graduation, feeling like two eternities. That was when everything was so simple, when they were yet to step into real life, where responsibilities are piling and cover you over the head.  

Only that back then, his heart wasn't beating so frantically when Jongdae was sitting this close to him, skin touching, and he was not trying so hard to make him laugh at least once a day. This lightheadedness he feels around a person he has feelings for is a long forgotten feeling that Minseok welcomes with pleasure, letting love spin his head as it wishes.

The laughter that filled the room a second ago die down, but a smile stays on both pairs of lips. He relishes on the warm feeling he gets from watching Jongdae experience the happiness he truly deserves, and before long he leans in, gradually decreasing the distance between them.

Their lips barely brush, as if unsure or cautious.

This wasn't even a chaste kiss, but it's enough to ignite a hot flame in Minseok's chest. A flame that burns inside the other just as strong, but instead of warmth, it spreads horror all over his body. Therefore Jongdae retreats, with heart heavier than he expected.

For the first time in a while, Jongdae didn't feel empty. He didn't feel tired, he didn't feel raw or hurt. Minseok's lips were a soft happiness, protection he was waiting for from Yixing, but didn't get. He felt whole. He felt like this is how love should feel like – and it wasn't even a proper kiss.

He stares at the ceiling, biting his lip as if to get a hold of this feeling again.

It's not right. He had cheated on his boyfriend that day – or maybe even before, with what he hides in his heart and mind? He thinks of Yixing, and the unknown to him people he kissed while still being together with Jongdae. His insides go through this torture over again, just like all those sleepless nights he was seating and waiting for Yixing to come home. He still loves him probably, otherwise he wouldn't feel this bitter and hurt.

He forgot how Yixing's care feels like, how his loving smile looks like.

He still thinks he did wrong. This guilt was nibbling at him little by little every day, and the tension between him and Minseok that he himself created, just adds to his suffering. Time and time again, he finds himself unable hate his boyfriend, but unable to blame Minseok, too.  

He can't afford loving his best friend. He knows he can't.

The night falls on a city miles away from his home, and Minseok feels like the depression surrounding him is choking more than any other day now. His neat hotel room makes him irritated and anxious, and he wishes he was an irresponsible person for once, leaving some work to bury himself in right now.

He already hates every moment of this four-day-long seminar, and it's only the first day. He is scared. His thoughts drift back to Jongdae, his wellbeing, and their tensed conversation in the past several days since they kissed. He can't believe he just went away like that before having a proper talk with him.

Running frustrated fingers in his hair, he grabs his coat and rushes out of the hotel room.

Ten minutes later, his legs bring him in front of a bar he passed by earlier that day. He enters before he can change his mind.

"Three shots of vodka, please." He tells the blond bartender as soon as he occupies a random seat, slipping the bill on the counter. He downs them before the song ends. He knows well enough this won't end with it, and it doesn't.

He loses count quickly, but the bartender doesn't.

"It's your ninth, man. Rough day?" He sends a pitiful smile. Yet another customer drinking alone to subside his pain and worries.

Minseok downs the shot and puts it down on the counter with a bang. "I wish it was just today… Kris," He reads from the tag on his shirt, leans his forehead on his hands. "It goes on for weeks and weeks, I just…"

Lifting another glass to wipe, the blond asks "You're new around here? Haven't seen you before."

"Business trip."

Kris hums, preparing himself for a story, as every appropriate shift promises one.

Taking a deep breath, Minseok doesn't even mind spilling the truth out to the stranger. "It's – uh… Everything just went upside-down so suddenly… I can't stand it anymore." Everything washes over him now, every single emotion, making his chest hurt intensely. He wishes he could just cry everything out, but his eyes are dry like the desert. "I can't believe I fell in love with my best friend…"

Kris huffs amusedly. Minseok looks up just in time to see him smiling widely toward the glass he is drying as if it's a wonderful thing, what Minseok has just told him. Minseok doesn't understand.

"But it is! What's so wrong about that? It happens all the time."

"Let me guess." Minseok slurs a bit. "It happened to you."

"Yes. And I, too, had my own portion of drama and alcohol." Kris leans on the counter and points at Minseok. "Just tell him how you feel, will you? Believe me. It saves you all this pain."

The latter whines in annoyance into his hands, knowing how ineffective would be doing that. "He probably already knows pretty clear. It saves nothing, with that boyfriend of his… his abusive, of a boyfriend. Only god can tell how much I hate that son of a …"   

The bartender stays silent, realizing the seriousness of the situation. "Why won't he break up with him?" He asks quietly, receiving only a clueless shake of the head. The greatest torture in all this, is knowing that Jongdae feels the same, but still builds a barrier between them.  

The front door opens, and a new customer approaches the bar. Minseok lifts his head up.

"Hi." Kris's smile to the tall, cherry-red-haired guy is dazzling, and it surprises the drunk man. Only when Kris leans over the counter to peck the guy on the lips, he finally realizes what's going on.

"What's up? Lazy night?"

"Pretty much, for now. Hey, Chan, tell the guy how we got together." He jerks his head toward Minseok.

Chanyeol, as the tag on his uniform reads, rises his brows, but Minseok lifts his hand to stop him anyways. "It's okay, I had enough for tonight." He says with thick voice, getting off the chair toward the exit.

"Good luck, man!" Kris calls.

Some couples have it, some couples don't.

"Hi, Jongdae. How are you doing? Ah… can't wait to see you again already. Anyways, will you… be okay? I'm worried about you every second of the day… It's so hard to be away from you for so long. You didn't call me back yet, so I just. I couldn't wait. I already miss you. Call me, okay? I love you. B– "  The voice mail pauses abruptly after the sound of the pressed ending-call button.  

Eyes are looking at him filled with silent shock and fear.

"So. It looks like you've made up." Yixing says coldly. He puts Jongdae's phone down in a dangerously casual way, a tight smile rising on his lips.

"W-What do you m-mean?"

"You thought I wouldn't know, huh. About you're little affair with Minseok." He starts taking steps toward Jongdae, eyes dead. Jongdae retreats automatically, until his back meets the wall. "I was waiting to see when you're going to tell me, but, you didn't… "  

This is going to happen any second now, Jongdae knows, it's inevitable from the way Yixing's face starts twitching with anger. "That's… that's not f-fair, you – "

"I what? Huh?! I what!?" Yixing snaps, banging on the wall, startling the smaller man. His eyes are burning with uncontrollable rage this close to burst out in actions. "Your conscious is not even eating you inside for hurting me, huh!? And, and him!? Of all people!? Kim ing Minseok, God damn it." He pushes himself of the wall, facing the back to the frightened boy and pulling at his hair with fury.

"W-what about y-you, Yixing? What about all these nights, when – "

". But I don't have any feelings for them, do I? If you think you're going to get rid of me so easily, you're wrong." His voice, cutting the younger's as if in trance and loaded with something close to madness, sends cold needles on Jongdae's back. He hides his eyes behind his bangs, avoiding the other's gaze. "Look at me!" Yixing screams, suddenly Jongdae's hair and tilting his already tear-stained face up. "I am your boyfriend. That's a fact you engrave in your confused little mind. And you stay loyal to me. Get that? You are mine."

Jongdae can't recognize this person. This is not his boyfriend. This is not the person he fell in love with back then. "S-stop… Please, it hurts…"

"Does it? But you didn't think about how much you hurt me, lying to me all these days." Yixing hisses, voice sharp like shards cutting deep inside Jongdae. "And you're going to regret it."

Jongdae's hands are trembling when Yixing grabs them, preventing him from pushing the other away. He can't do this anymore, he can't believe he endured it all this time, he wants out, he wants –

"But first, I'm going to teach that son of a a lesson." He leaps to the door, intending to go all the way to Minseok's apartment, but Jongdae blocks his way, screaming hysterically at him to stop.

"No! Yixing! Stop, don't – "

"Shut up! Stay away!" He grabs him by the arm and tries to remove him forcefully but Jongdae has none of it.

"Let go of me!" He sobs, "Yi– He is not even home – " He tries to tell the taller but he won't listen, too absorbed in his anger taking over him whole –

"I said stay out of my way!!!" Yixing pushes him away brutally, knocking him out of his balance. A sickening loud bang echoes in the apartment when Jongdae's head hits the table corner. Yixing watches in terror as his body falls limply on the floor.

Seconds pass. Jongdae stays unmoving.

"N-No…"

Yixing falls on his knees near the unconscious boy.

"Jong…dae… w-w-wake– wake up –!" He reaches out to touch him, but stains of red start appearing on the floor before he can do so. His blood freezes in his veins.

"Hello? Mrs. Kim?"

"M-Min…seok…"

"Mrs. Kim, are– are you crying? What happened?"

"J-Jongdae… Jongdae is…"

The phone slips from his grip and crushes on the floor.

With shaking fingers he grabs everything necessary and rushes out of the room before his legs collapse, like his own heart and lungs inside his ribcage.

How does life work?

How come people that make others around them smile so effortlessly suffer the most? If someone can teach Minseok the system life works by, he would appreciate it greatly. Maybe if he knew, it would have hurt less this way. Maybe he wouldn't be this numb but at the same time torn apart inside. Maybe he wouldn't want to die right this instance in exchange of letting Jongdae be safe and sound.

It takes hours. Hours of horror blending into guilt, clashing with murderous anger. Hours of people staring at his pale face, approaching and asking if he is sick, if he needs a doctor. He doesn’t need any doctor. He needs Jongdae. The closer he gets to him, the clearer it becomes that he won't be able to live without him. And he hates himself so much for realizing it only now.

Their love bloomed like a flower opening its petals after a rough winter; slowly and shyly yet so beautiful and bright. Minseok loves Jongdae so much but still so little – they were supposed to have more time to let their love grow. The flower has yet to reach its outright beauty. Minseok prays with every ounce of his existence for a chance. A chance to love Jongdae better. To protect him better. To continue this journey with him.

I haven't loved him enough yet. I haven't even started. Please let him live.

The tears are let loose only when he is at the entrance of the hospital in their city. By the time he reaches the right room, his whole body hurts and shakes from the want to be next to the man he loves.

Jongdae's family lets him in, standing by the door as his knees give in underneath him. He latches onto the sleeping boy's hand, sobbing silent apologies for leaving him alone. Because he knows, he knows this is Yixing's fault, the bastard who is nowhere to be seen now. The crying drains every bit of his energy and the repeating pleadings to wake up reduce into whispers.

"H-He is going to be okay… in a while." Jongdae's mom sniffs beside him, Minseok's head. By then, she is the only one left in the room aside of him and her son. "I'm glad you are here."

Minseok averts his bloodshot eyes toward her. She smiles at him weakly. No one has said anything about Yixing's absence until now.

"The neighbors next door had found him unconscious in their apartment after the yelling reached them." The woman starts, answering the major question without him asking. "So they went out to check what's going on, and the door, i-it was open… He was alone, and – and they called the ambulance. But they were told that someone has already informed the paramedics and there is already an ambulance on its way."  

Coward, was the only thing passing in Minseok's mind after that. Yixing is such a ing coward.  

"I-I'm so sorry, Mrs. Kim." He says shakily, closing his eyes shut in remorse. The guilt torturing him on his way here comes back full force, strangling him mercilessly.

The woman that has known him for four years now doesn't find the guilt in him. Furthermore, she won't let him feel this way for being there for her son all along. Like every other mom, she sees how he looks at her son and how deep his feelings go in his eyes. Her eyes soften and she takes him into an embrace. "When he wakes up… Please. Take his pain away."

"I will. I promise."

The door opens, and Minseok finally gets to see his lover awake and smiling.

"Oh God, Minseok." As the older comes close enough to the bed, Jongdae wraps his arms tightly around him for a lingering hug. "I missed you so much…"

"I missed you so much." Minseok murmurs into the other's shoulder, his heart desperate to break through in his chest at the sight of Jongdae conscious and functioning. He retreats, cupping Jongdae's face and tracing his features with his eyes. He is okay. He is okay and he is happy and he is… with him. Minseok's head spins from relief and affection. "You are okay." He says, as if it's not believable enough in his head. "I can finally see your smile again."

"Yeah." Jongdae smiles even wider, caressing Minseok's cheek. "I'm so happy you're here with me." The moment he came back into consciousness couple of hours ago, there was nothing but Minseok in his mind. He had to wait, though, until he can see him. An emotional-to-tears phone call was not enough. These were the longest hours in his life. But now, he doesn't need to wait anymore. Jongdae pulls him into a kiss, a deep and passionate one. He has to tell him so much, how sorry he is, how grateful he is, how much he loves him. But he knows that no words will be able to express the extent of his guilt, maybe not even this kiss can. But he tries, and he'll keep trying because Minseok deserves so much. They kiss until they can't breathe, then part for air only to continue to take it away from each other.

Minseok has forgotten how it felt like to be madly in love. He is so glad Jongdae is here to remind him. 

Even though it was so hard for me to write, thank you for requesting some angst, bubble1765 ! And for my other readers - I actually drew a member name to decide who's going to be the abusive boyfriend because I couldn't pick. Lay came out. I hope Xiuchen's love made up for all the angst, I tried really hard!