Things had been going fairly well with the couple but it was still early. They had been officially dating 3 weeks so far and it was all smooth sailing except for one issue, a pretty big issue in Kibum's book. There had been cuddling, kisses and full on make out sessions but nothing more. Every time it felt like they were progressing to the next step, Jonghyun would put on the breaks. It was frustrating for Kibum. It was a new relationship, he could understand taking things slow but they had known each other almost a year now so it wasn't like they were strangers still getting to know each other. They knew each other, they were in love, there was no reason to wait any more. Every stop felt like a huge rejection and tonight was no exception. Kibum and Jonghyun were laying on the couch together, arms and legs tangled around each other's bodies, lips kissing softly, short breaths being taken whenever they had the opportunity. Kibum felt lost in the moment, but apparently he was the only one because before he knew it Jonghyun was interrupting to suggest it was getting late. Kibum groaned, he didn't want to stop and go home to his empty apartment to sleep in his empty bed. He pulled back and tried to hide his frustration as he had in the past but this time he couldn't hide it, he felt hurt and rejected again and was getting tired of feeling this way. Jonghyun noticed and asked him if he was upset, Kibum replied that he wasn't but he wasn't very convincing. He wanted to say so many things, but he didn't want to ruin their relationship by pressuring Jonghyun if he wasn't ready yet. Jonghyun apologized, Kibum sighed dejectedly telling him he didn't need to apologize and quickly made up excuses he had to get home quickly while Jonghyun walked him to the front door. Kibum left without saying goodbye, leaving Jonghyun standing in the entryway.

 

Kibum rushed to his car, kicking himself for causing the hurt look on Jonghyun's face when he left him standing there. He decided instead of going home to just drive around to calm himself, when that wasn't working so well he decided to call Taemin to talk. Taemin sleepily answered his phone and Kibum quickly apologized for waking him up and asked if he should call back. Taemin told him he was already awake so he might as well talk. Kibum asked Taemin if he's an . Taemin laughed at this silly question and responded that right now maybe but no, not normally. Kibum relayed to Taemin his frustrations with Jonghyun, Taemin listened quietly. When Kibum was done ranting he asked Taemin again if he was being an . Taemin responds that he doesn't think that, he just seems frustrated. Kibum agreed that he was very frustrated, but it's just so it shouldn't be so damned frustrating. Taemin responded that Kibum should probably talk to Jonghyun about this. Kibum agreed that he should but he just felt badly, he didn't want to push him too much as this would be Jonghyun's first ual experience with a man. Taemin agreed that it was probably a big deal for Jonghyun and remarked that it was probably Jonghyun's first ual experience since his wife as well. Kibum found this comment confusing, he asked Taemin why he thought that. Taemin responded that he thought it would've been obvious. Kibum said that it wasn't, he countered that Jonghyun has dated lots of women in the last few years, the dating agency was setting him up every couple months. Taemin yawned and answered that Kibum told him that Jonghyun only went on one or two dates with these women and it was only to find a replacement mother for his kids. Kibum agreed that that was true. Taemin answered that Jonghyun doesn't really seem the type to have with someone after one or two dates does he? Kibum countered that he's a man with needs, surely he must've had with one or two. Taemin disagreed pointing out that if that were the case he probably wouldn't be calling right now. Kibum continued to drive in silence thinking about this. Taemin asked Kibum how long it been since Jonghyun's wife died and Kibum responded that the kids are almost 10 years old now. Taemin replied with a simple wow. Kibum repeated himself, saying 10 years again as if trying wrap his head around how long that really is. Taemin added that if Jonghyun got married right out of high school he kinda doubted that he had any ual partners before his wife either. Kibum continued to drive in silence. Taemin told Kibum that he should really talk to Jonghyun about this, if he can't talk to him about then they really aren't ready to be having it. Kibum thanked Taemin for their talk and told him he'll call him later.

 

He continued to drive quietly reflecting on their conversation, coming to understand more and more why Jonghyun was taking things so slowly. Everything Taemin said made perfect sense, Kibum had been so wrapped up in his feeling of rejection that he hadn't really considered why Jonghyun was being so cautious. Then he remembered the sad look on his face when he left him earlier tonight, feeling so much guilt over causing that look. Kibum decided that he needed to go back now, he couldn't wait until morning to see him again and clear up this mess he caused.

 

He arrived back to the house happy to see the lights still on. He knocked on the front door and entered as he usually did to find Jonghyun sitting on the hallway floor tossing one of Min Jae's bouncing balls against the wall. When Jonghyun noticed Kibum he stopped throwing the ball and was going to get up but Kibum rushed over to him wrapping his arms around tightly and apologized profusely for leaving. Jonghyun assured him it was okay and that he really didn't need to apologize. Kibum pulled back and sat on the floor leaning on the opposite wall across from Jonghyun. They sat in uncomfortable silence for a little while until Kibum spoke up telling Jonghyun the reason he was upset earlier was because he felt like he wasn't wanted. He continued stating that he knows that Jonghyun loves him but he is worried that maybe Jonghyun was confusing the love between friends and a romantic love. He worried that maybe the reason why they hadn't gone further than kissing was because Jonghyun didn't actually desire him ually. Jonghyun stopped Kibum here and asked if he really felt like this. Kibum nodded. Jonghyun leaned forward to wrap his arms around Kibum, he said he was sorry for making him feel this way, he never wanted him to doubt like this. Jonghyun pulled back, gently placed both hands on Kibums cheeks looking into his eyes. “Please don't doubt that I desire you, please don't because I absolutely do. I'm sorry, but I just get scared. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so scared I'll disappoint you and you'll leave me to find someone else.” Kibum teared up at these words. Jonghyun continued “I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise that you'll keep it a secret from the kids.” Kibum nodded and responded that he would. “They don't know this and I never want them to find out... I was never in love with their mother.” Kibum eyes widened at this. Jonghyun continued “I loved her very much, don't misunderstand but I was never in love with her. We were friends, we were best friends and we both wanted to have a family of our own so badly. So we got married, we had only for her to get pregnant, only a few times. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't passionate, it was awkward and disappointing. I don't want the kids to know, they should believe that they are the results of their parents love and I don't want to take that away from them.” Kibum nodded, responding that he understood. He pulled Jonghyun forward to wrap his arms around him. Kibum thanked Jonghyun for telling him, squeezed his shoulders tightly and made a promise that he wasn't going anywhere.

 

Kibum released Jonghyun and leaned back against the wall trying to stifle his smile. He extended his legs and Jonghyun did the same, playfully interlocking them. Jonghyun noticed Kibum trying not to smile and asked him what he was thinking about. Kibum fidgeted a bit, still trying to hold back his grin “it's just that...does this mean I'm the only one you've ever been in love with?” Jonghyun blushed and nodded his head. Kibum started to blush as well. “So all those women you dated?” Jonghyun shook his head. “What about ?” Jonghyun's face turned bright red “huh?” Kibum coyly continued “all those pretty, attractive, single women?” Kibum winked and Jonghyun responded with obviously fake offense “certainly not!” Kibum nodded, giggling a little at Jonghyun's reaction. Jonghyun took “so... what about you?” Kibum responded “what about me?”

 

Jonghyun: “Well, you know the entirety of my romantic history and I don't really know anything about yours.”

Kibum: “Oh....”

Jonghyun: “If you don't want to”

Kibum: “No, no I just...I'm not sure where to begin.”

Jonghyun smiled.

Jonghyun: “Begin at the beginning of course, your first love?”

Kibum: “First love?”

Kibum laughed.

Kibum: “More like first failure.”

Jonghyun nodded for Kibum to continue

Kibum: “I was 14 when I got my first boyfriend, he broke up with me after a month saying he was just confused and then started to date one of my pretty female friends. He was just using me so he could have a chance to get closer to her.”

Jonghyun: “What a jerk!”

Kibum laughed.

Kibum: “Yeah he was, she eventually dumped him. I was 17 when I started to date my second boyfriend. We were together on and off for two years...we were each other's firsts. The only thing we had in common was being gay... we just kinda gravitated to each other so we wouldn't be alone. He was a very unhappy person, he hated himself...hated being gay. I broke up with him when I realized that I was starting to hate myself too. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable with him.”

Jonghyun leaned forward and patted Kibum's knee.

Kibum: “After him I started partying more, drinking, going to clubs and had a few one night stands. Do you think I'm awful?”

Jonghyun: “Why would I think that?”

Kibum: “Well...you had so many opportunities to sleep around and you didn't.”

Jonghyun smiled.

Jonghyun: “I didn't because I was dating the wrong gender...it's really easy to not sleep with your dates when you have zero ual attraction to them.”

Kibum: “Soooo after I got that out of my system, I started to date my third and last boyfriend.

Jonghyun: “What happened with him?”

Kibum: “I didn't love him. He loved me, we got along great and our relationship was great...but I didn't love him. I wanted to, I tried for years to convince myself that I should love him.”

Kibum teared up, Jonghyun reached over to hold his hand to comfort him

Kibum: “I stayed with him for four years, I kept hoping that one day I would just look at him and feel something more than friendship, but it never happened. I broke up with him multiple times...but he would beg me to give him another chance so I would. I...I eventually ended it for good and it hurt him a great deal. I had to completely cut him out of my life, I haven't spoken to him since then. I heard from mutual friends that he became very depressed and started to hurt himself. His parents forced him to move with them to Japan so he could have a fresh start. I don't know what happened to him after that.”

Jonghyun: “I'm sorry.”

Jonghyun moved over to sit next to Kibum, wrapping his arm around his shoulder.

Kibum wiped a fear tears from his eyes

Kibum: “It was my fault.”

Jonghyun: “It's not your fault...you can't force someone to love you any more than you can force someone to stop loving you.”

Kibum: “I suppose...I think if I would've ended it sooner then maybe it would've been easier for him, but I was so weak.”

Jonghyun: “I don't think you were weak...I think you were...hopeful. You wanted to make it work so you kept trying. You're just persistent.”

Jonghyun smiled.

Jonghyun: “Like the day you first showed up here to apologize for kissing me.”

Kibum blushed at the embarassing memory.

 

Jonghyun: “Is that all your relationships?”

Kibum: “Is...is it too many? I mean, does it bother you?”

Jonghyun shook his head

Jonghyun: “Not at all. I just couldn't help but notice something.”

Kibum: “What?”

Jonghyun: “Well, you never said you were in love with any of your past boyfriends.”
Kibum: “No....”

Jonghyun: “So, doesn't that make me your first love?”

Kibum smiled.

Kibum: “I guess it does.”

Jonghyun: “And last too...don't think for a minute I'm ever gonna let you go.”

Kibum laughed.

Kibum: “What, you gonna tie me up?”

Jonghyun: “Nah...well...maybe.....”

Jonghyun's face turned bright red at the thought.

Kibum tickled Jonghyun's side, snapping him out it.

Jonghyun giggled and stood up, reaching his hand out to help Kibum up as well.

Jonghyun: “Why don't we go to bed?”

Jonghyun smiled as he pulled Kibum up from the floor.

Kibum: “Are you tired?”

Jonghyun: “Nope...it's a good thing though cause I don't think either of us will be getting much sleep tonight.”

Jonghyun smirked, taking Kibum's hand in his and leading him towards the bedroom turning off the lights as they passed them.