Date: 20 April XXXX

Dear Diary:

Things have been strange lately.Ever since yesterday,I've just holed up in my room.It's my fault,I realize.It's just my fault that... well,that things happen.If Seungcheol didn't want me,hen nothing like that would have happened to Joshua.And to think,for the past year,that I've been blaming him! I should really have gotten my story straight,but I've always been rather hotheaded.

I don't know what to do.The Stars haven't won... but I don't ever want to put Joshua in that position again.He was... he was because of me,you realize.It's my fault! All of it!

Even though I didn't leave my room today,Joshua still came by to visit me.Why doesn't he hate me?

"It's not yoour fault," he said to me.I stared at him.

"What do you mean? Of course it's my fault!" I screamed.Couldn't he realize this as well? Couldn't he understand that? Gods! It's my fault.

"No,it's not," Joshua said,leaning against the wall in that oh-so-y manner of his.

"Why can't you see it's my fault?" I noticed that I sounded like a woman,a really emotional woman,but I couldn't stop it.I don't think I would even if I could.I needed to express myself,and I'm not picky about how the expressing is done.

He walked towards me,a slight smirk on his face.That smirk that I fell in love with all those years ago.I couldn't help falling in love with it again,as I did every time I saw it.I know I sound like a sap but... you try to resist it! I'd like to see you try! It doesn't work.He kept coming closer before wrapping his arms around me,pressing me against his chest.Why was I so emotional? Why was I crying? When had I started crying? I'm not even sure that I know anymore.I don't think I care.I'm saying that a lot - "I don't know" and "I don't care." Oh gods,how could Joshua still stand to be around me? Even after all that happened?

"Hey,hey,Junghan," he murmured softly.

"What?" I sniffled out.

"It happened a long time ago - and well,it's never going to happen again," he told me, my hair.

Gods,I'm an idiot.I can't stop beating myeslf up for the past year.It's just... the entire fact that... well,that I've ignored Joshua, and made him out to be the bad guy,when the real bad guy is me!

"How do you know it won't happen again? How to stop it ! Seungcheol still out there!"

Okay,so I'm just a little hysterical at this point but there really isn't a reason for me not to be,is there? I'm allowed to be hysterical! I'm allowed to be whatever the I feel like!

"And I'm smarter now than I was then.There were and are other ways to deal with that type of harassment than just letting him use me as a substitute.I could have gone to the police.I could have beaten the out of him.There are a lot of things I could have done,but I didn't.That fault lies with me."

I sniffled."Yeah but... if he didn't want me to-"

Joshua put a finger to my lips,effectively cutting off anything that I was about to say."You have no fault in being who you are.It's why I love you afterall," he whispered,hugging me close.

I was blushing furiously and gods,was I glad that I could hide in his shirt.It was embarassing.How the hell am I supposed to feel about all of this,though? I mean,seriously... is there anyway for me to feel about this? I don't quite understand it myself.

Mingyu entered my room of the apartment right there.His eyebrows raised as he noticed that Joshua was hugging me and I was letting him do so.After a year of hearing me b*tch and moan about this,I'd be worried to.He looked at me strangely,noticing the fact that I was crying.It was pretty ing obvious,if I do say so myself.I'm not one of those people who can cry and be able to hide it while it happens.Give me thirty seconds afterwards and there's no problem,but catch me in the act? There's no ing way I can hide that.

Anyway,let's get back to Mingyu walking in on myself and Joshua in this strange state of things.

"Junghan?" he asked cautiously,keeping a weary eye on Joshua,almost as though he expected."Sorry,Mingyu... I... I was wrong.It... it wasn't Joshua's fault."

Joshua hummed to himself as he rested his chin on my hair."It was partially my fault.I could have told Junghan what was going on."

Mingyu did something very un-Mingyu-like.He asked Joshua what had gone on.I guess he really did care.I mean,I know he cares.He's a bastard sometimes,but it's obvious that he cares.I just.I don't know why I wrote that.Ignore that sentence.See? I scratched it out.Now no one can read it.

Joshua chewed on his lip for a second."I was foolish,and let's leave it at that," he told the older man.

Mingyu nodded,accepting this."As long as Junghan knows now,then there is nothing I can say."

"He does."

"That is good."

There was a bout of awkward silence interrupted by Wonwoo,who popped his head into the room."Pizza is here..." he began,but his voice trailed off when he noticed what was going on.He blinked slowly,comprehending the million of things that could cause the scene before him.Mingyu was advancing on Joshua and myself,probably to give Joshua a pet on the head.Mingyu had always liked to do that for some reason.I still had tear marks on my cheeks and Joshua was hugging me.

All it all,it was probably confusing for him.

"What are you doing here?" he ground out,not really trusting Joshua's presence.

"I came here to explain something to Junghan.He seems to understand,surprisingly."

I glared,but that quickly turned into a pout.My mouth was unaccustomed to the action.It had been that long since I had acted like myself off stage and not just an empty shell.Mingyu and Wonwoo were surprised.You could tell,try as they might to hide it.

Joshua laughed.I love his laughter.He squeezed me tighter to him and I couldn't help but inhale the scent that was only Joshua.No one else could manage this type of writer-y y smell.

I won't describe his smell to you.He's mine,damnit.He even said so.Oh,I haven't gotten to that part yet,have I? Sorry for jumping ahead.

Wonwoo and Mingyu were shocked when I was acting like myself.For good reason,obviously,but they still were shocked.I turned around to face the two,leaning back against Joshua.I had missed this.This simple act of intimacy,I had missed like no other.It was crazy,insane,even,how much I could forget the way we fit together.How could I have stayed mad like that for an entire year? Well.I knew how.I'm me.I hold grudges.I call it a ty childhood,or maybe it's just how I'm made.But I hold grudges like no other.

I looked at the three of them.It felt so... right to have them here with me.It felt good.There are no words I could ever use to describe what I felt in that room,with the four of us silently trying to reach a medium that we were familiar with.I don't know if they found it,but I did.

And I was happy.I used to get tired of being happy and cheerful all the time.When you don't mean it,it's a huge drag.After Joshua and I got together,it was no longer an act,it was amazing.The fact that I could smile just because it was another day is something that's amazing to find out.It's a feeling that I didn't think I'd ever be able to experience again.

Especially after we split up.I didn't even bother to act anymore.I existed,I tried to get over him.But I couldn't.I would never have been able to.I would have continued to be... emo like that.The thought of spending the rest of my life as an emo is probably the most depressing idea that I can think of right now.

We went out to dinner,the four of us,ignoring the pizza that we had ordered.That was a midnight snack food anyway,no reason to waste good food time with snack food.We went to a place that none of us had even heard of.Joshua explained that it was a new establishment,but that he had never been inside.So we went there.I think we used the excuse that it had a good reputation for food and service,but I believe that we avoided our usual haunts for the reason that we wanted new memories.Not old ones.

So a new place for new memories.

It was on the way there that I held Joshua back for a moment,looking up at him nervously from my shortness."Joshua... we're... we're okay,right?" I asked softly.I really want him to be mine again,only mine.But I couldn't claim those rights yet.

Joshua grinned and leaned in.He pulled me in for a slow,romantic kiss."We're more than fine,Junghan," he told me."I'm yours.Forever."

Yeah,I know it sounds cheesy,but it's exactly what I needed to here.I grinned and gave him a kiss before we continued to the restaurant.We had to catch up with Mingyu and Wonwoo.They walked ahead without us.

It was about halfway through the meal that I suggested it."Joshua," I began.

He put down his cup of coke and looked at me."What?" he asked.

"You should get your guitar again.Join us on stage."

Both Mingyu and Wonwoo probably would have spit their food if they were anyone but Mingyu and Wonwoo.As it were,they both calmly placed down their forks and shot me twin glances.Because they were Mingyu and Wonwoo,I couldn't understand what they were trying to tell me.

"What?" I asked.

Joshua nearly facepalmed.I could see his hand twitching.He wanted to so much,but we were in public,so instead,he ground his teeth together for a few minutes,probably counting in his head.

Mingyu was the one who spoke."Junghan," he began."I don't think that our manager will approve of this."

"So? We could say he's a guest star or something."

"Junghan,I haven't even picked up my guitar for a year!"

"It'll come back to you,Joshua.Like... riding a bike.Only I've never seen you ride a bike.Do you know how?"

"Yes,idiot.I know how to ride a bike."

"Oh,good." I turned back to Mingyu."I can speak with Minki.He probably won't care.That is,if you two don't mind.I mean,if you do.I suppose we don't have to." Did I mention that our new manager is this super nice guy named Choi Minki? I mean he can be a bit of a hardass on occasion,but he's a doll if you know how to handle him.Or if he's in a good mood.

Wonwoo and Mingyu were silent for a little while,thinking about it.I was afraid.I loved sharing the stage with Joshua.The entire band started with Joshua and m... I missed sharing that stage.I loved being with Mingyu and Wonwoo on it,but there was something dynamic about being up there with Joshua.However,I wasn't stupid enough to do it if Mingyu and Wonwoo didn't want to.I didn't want to break up the band,I wanted to expand it.Or rather... reinstate it.Even if it was only for one show,now that I knew the truth,I wanted to be Pledis again.I wanted what I had.

It's a stupid wish.I wanted the Stars.For the first time of this entire ordeal,I can honestly say that I wanted the Stars.Wanted them more than anything else.

With a final sigh,Mingyu spoke up,"If Minki and Jonghyun agree,then I'll do it.But I don't want our supervisor getting pissed at us because our manager undermined him... again."

Wonwoo nodded beside him.

That would be the tricky part.Jonghyun was nice,on occasion.But those occasions were few and far between and I didn't know how to handle him at all.The only person that might have a chance was Minki,so it would be up to me to convince him of that.

"And Joshua has to agree first," Wonwoo reminded me.

I blushed.I forgot about that part.I turned to Joshua,who was sitting next to me,and looked at him curiously.It all came down to this bastard's decision.Yes or no.And h was holding out on me for a while.Probably wanted to make me sweat.Bastard.I love him,but that doesn't make him not a bastard.

Finally,after what seemed like an eternity... He said Yes.

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chapter 7 done and its not the ending yet if youre wondering and Minki and Jonghyun are from NU'EST i ship them both too they look cute together~~~

just 1 more chapter and the story is done yayy!