Date: 10 April XXXX

Dear Diary:

Mingyu and Wonwoo are even more worried about me.I was even farther into Neverland these days than I had ever been before.I know why too... I'm counting down the days in my head.Therre's only three left until our six year anniversary.Joshua's and mine.We never actually oficially broke up... but hje cheated on me enough and so i left.

He didn't even want me there,I guess.He let me leave.Maybe it's selfish of me to say stuff like this,but I suppose Once you've had enough,you've had enough.I haven't spoken to him in all these months.One year to be exact.

I wonder if he still remembers me.

"Junghan?" Mingyu asks as he takes a seat next to me.I take a sip of my coffee as I stare at him.

"Huh?" I asked.It's the best sound that I can make in the morning,especially when I brood like I've been doing lately.Mingyu knows of my past relationship with Joshua.As does Wonwoo.After all,the four of us were the original band members but then Joshua went off and did his own thing and the three of us stayed.The four of us used to be the best of friends,but then things happened and now It's only three of us.

I wonder if Mingyu has ever regretted the days we spent as us four,dreaming of being a band but not really working towards it.It seemes like at the first chance we got as a band,Joshua dropped the gig.Mingyu moved from bassist to guitarist and that's the way it's been ever since.

"You've been thinking about him a lot lately,haven't you?" Mingyu asked me.

I didn't know how to respond.Of course I had been thinking about Joshua a lot lately, and I knew that thre was no other "him" that Mingyu could be referring to.Sighing,I nodded,not trusting myself to speak.

"That's right.It's almost been a year,hasn't it?"

I nodded again.

"Did you make the new song for us?"

Another nod.

Mingyu sighed and I knew what he was waiting for.I had changed since I left Joshua.Before,I was an obnoxious loud teenager.I barely talk these days.I sing and occasionally I cry - but I don't talk often.

I say what needs to be said and then I shut up.I can't really believe it.It's as though I've turned into that bastard while I'm at it.

"Sing it for me?"  Mingyu asked.Wonwoo and Mingyu only said what was necessary as well,so our apartment suite was normally quiet.I got used to it after a while though.

"Sure," I murmured,sick of nodding.I began my song.

Song: 2NE1 Lonely 

Mingyu looked thoughtful after hearing me sing this song.He turned to me,a knowing look on his face."Is this for Joshua?" he asked.

Slowly,I nodded.I felt tears prickling in my eyes but I would not let them fall.I refused to let them fall - at least with Mingyu around.Mingyu was really my idol.He might have known it.

He was y,smart,compassionate,stoic, and did I already mention y? I swear,he's a walking god,almost like Joshua was.

Wait,I'm not going to think about Joshua anymore,right? So why do my thoughts always revolve around him.

"You thinking about breaking everything off with him?" Mingyu asked me.

"Yeah,I can't keep living in the past,y'know?" I told him.

Mingyu nodded,still looking thoughtful.We sat there for a very long time,silently drinking our coffee and waiting for our parctice session,which was going to start in a half an hour.Wonwoo would be asleep for the next twnty minutes.He had always had this gift of being ready in under three monutes.It's scarry,actually,but what else can you say about that boy?

Well,I suppose I should tell you what Wonwoo looks like,He's not as y as Mingyu is - but he's pretty damn y if you go for the psychotic thing.He's goth,that's true.Wonwoo is always into leather,so he usually wears it.He looks hot in it,but I've never gone for the psycho look.I know several people that have though.

Mingyu had left me,probably while I was off in my own little head again,but that's to be expected.Neither of them stay around when I'm not in my right mind,something about "not being able to see me look that pathetic" as Wonwoo once told me.I don't really know what to think of it.So I don't.Not that hard to figure out,yeh?

I sighed,laying back on the couch that I was sitting on.I tried my hardest to keep Joshua out of my head,but that was hard.I loved the guy,whether or not he knew it,I still loved him.Sure,I guess when I explained it before,it seemed like we had a tear-filled good-bye like in the movies,but that's not really what happened.

I can remember it well,the reason why I left.

On the night I left,I went over to his house ( of which I had the key ) to surpries him because it was our anniversary,number five,actually.I walked into the house,remembering to close the door behind me.A devilish grin came to my face as I tiptoed over to Joshua's bedroom.

I waited outside the door,strange noises coming to my ears.It sounded omething like grunts and groans and moans.Disgusting,if you ask me,but whatever.

Slowly,I opened Joshua's door,walking into the darkness that settled over the room.

The sounds were louder.I squinted to be able to see the moving form on the bed.As my vision cleared when the moon came out from behind the clouds outside the window,I stared in horror.It wasn't just one form on the bed.There were two people there, and by the looks of it,they were ing each other senseless.

I didn't care who the other person was,bit I saw Joshua on the receiving end.

I felt tears falling out of my eyes,as I stumbled back,hand fumbling for the doorknob.I managed to trip over something on the floor and slam into the door.

The forms stopped moving on the bed.Eyes widening,yet blurring with tears,I tore the door behind me open and slammed it back,trying to make it out of the apartment as quickly as I could.

I ran down a few streets,random ones that I didn't even know existed prior to this night.I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was following me.I finally turned down one street that happened to be a dead end.Since no one seemes to be around,I allowed myself to collapse on my knees,beating the large wall at the end of this street with my fists.I couldn't help it.I had loved Joshua.

And he had been cheating on me....

Did that mean that the words of love he whispered to me for give ing years didn't mean anything to him? I didn't want to think about it, and I tried to quiet my sobs.but I couldn't.I screamed,loud and long and had some random old b*tch yell at me from out her window.I flipped her off and walked towards the main street again.

The only problem being that I was completely and utterly lost.

"Junghan!" I heard someone say from behind.Swirling around,as well as stumbling back at the same time,I saw none other than the person I was planning to avoid seeing for the rest of the month,if not the rest of my life.Yep,you guessed it - Joshua Hong.

"What the are you doing here, Joshua?" I yelled at him,,anger surging within me to try and replace the pain and tears that had been falling.

"I followed you," he said,as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well,don't!" I growled."How long,Joshua?" I was beyond angry now.I think I may have even been pissed."How many,you ing bastard!"

He looked at me with that damn stoic expression of his.He didn't offer any explanation or anything of that nature.It only made my hurt hrow,stamping out my anger.All he did in response to my question was give a tiny shrug.

Sighing to myself,I lokeed down at the ground,allowing the ears to fall."Was I... nothing to you?" I asked softly,not being able to look him in the face while doing this."Was everything... were we... a lie? Is that all you thought of 'us' as - just being some kind of joke?"

I couldn't stop myself now,I was ranting,rambling,I was begging him to explain what had happened between us - what it meant to him.To me,he was everything and I didn't even want to think about going through life without him.Judging by what I witnessed,however,I did not mean the same thing to him.

It hurt.

It really did.

He was the first person that I could call a friend,and now he was the person who hurt me the most.God damnit.

He looked like he was about to speak,but I just shook my head.

"I'm leaving ,Joshua," I whispered,not even sure if he had heard it.There was a flash of some kind of emotion in his eyes,but I didn't know what it was - so I didn't care for it either."I don't think I'll be coming back."

With that,I turned around and began to walk away,trying not to sag to my knees once again in my gried.Four hours later,I was on a train with Wonwoo and Mingyu and neither bugged me about what happened for a week,until they caught me trying to kill myself.I told them what happened and then they let it go.

I sighed,looking up at the ceiling.I knew the real reason why Joshua occupied most of my thoughts lately.It was because that place that I had run away from a year ago,we were returning to.

I just won't go looking for him,I suppose.I won't try and find that bastard.

I wonder how many people he's ed every since I've been gone? Has he ven given me a second thought? Was anything we ever did together worth remember?
I don't know.

But I wasn't going to face him unless I really,really had to.That was the only promise I could make to myself about the situation and know that I was going to keep.

I didn't want to face Joshua.I never wanted to see him again - mainly because,if I did,I would fall in love again.Even I know hat about myself.

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I'm soo sorry it had to be like that please don't hate just keep reading and anticipate the next chapters to know the truth.