Date: 17 April XXXX

Dear Diary:

It's finally happened,our debut concert for the tour happened tonight.I'm still hyped up on adrenaline and excitement.I mean... we were awesome! And we were the headliners! I never thought the band would make it this far,it all seems so unreal.Hopefully I'm not dreaming.This would all if it were just a dream.Wow... I mean... just... wow.

Anyways,I should stop saying redundant things.But man,we played tonight! It was glorious! I've been on a high ever since we've gotten back.Wonwoo and Mingyu seem kind of... neutral to the entire thing.I don't understand how though.

However,there was one part of this evening that wasn't perfect.The place that we played,Mrs Carter,is a bar that the three of us and Joshua all know every well.The owners are a trio of weird people,but they liked our group.And I say "our group" I mean all of us.Mingyu,Wonwoo,Me and Joshua.Way back when we were all together,and things were perfect... back before a year ago...

I'm getting really off track here and I don't really want to be.What I've been meaning to say is that the first time that we ever performed,as an opener ( of course we weren't headlining back then ).At that time,it was when the four of us were together.Back when were the band,Pledis.Oh,I haven't told you our new name,have I? Well,for obvious reasons.We changed the name after Joshua and I broke up.

Now we're SEVENTEEN.We all have our own codenames for the band,kind of like... bandnames/stage names.We're not known by our real name.Don't ask me why,but I personally think its cooler this way.It adds more intrigue and mystery to us.

In truth,I didn't really have a good reason,but I suppose that really doesn't matter these days.

I keep getting offtrack,don't I,diary? Sorry about that.Well,I was telling you about how it used to be Pledis there,with the four of us? The scary part about tonight was that ever though it was only Mingyu,Wonwoo and me onstage,Pledis was still there.Joshua was sitting at our old corner table that we used to take after the shows,or to watch the headliners and he was watching us.

I would say he was watching me,but I still don't believe that he really gives a damn for me.It's so ing obvious that it's all some trick.Maybe he wanted to see if what I had been saying was true.Well,we have another concert tomorrow and then a third on the next day.Then we have two performances next week.

Well,good night for now.Mingyu will kill me if I'm not well rested for tomorrow.

~~~~~

Date: 18 April XXXX

Dear Diary:

Well,I think the topic is justified today.I mean... just .The concert hasn't happened yet,and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to perform.I can't help it! I can't! He's like... stalking me or something.I don't know! I just don't know what to do about him.I was just walking along a trail that I used to love in the park and he was there.Without so much a hello,he pinned me up against a tree and started snogging the living daylights out of me.

I was sure it was all some kind of trick.After all,it had to be,right? Joshua wouldn't care for me.He's just trying to with my head.I can't care back,even if he did.There's too high of a risk that's I'm just a boytoy and that I'll get hurt again.I'm not taking that chance again.Now now,not ever.

But damn,he's still such a god.He's so good at kissing! I'm not sure whether to be happy because it happened,or angry because he did it.I'm so ing confused!

Joshua's never been one for subtleties.I've known that for years,but he would always respect someone's personal space - at least in public.When we were at home,he got quite clingy,but that's the past.

THAT WAS AN INVASION OF PERSONAL SPACE!

And then what he said to me... I don't think I'll ever forget it.

We had just finished kissing and I could tell that he was happy.He leaned his forehead closer to me,resting it against my own.I felt happy.How long had it been since I had tasted he person I truly loved with all my being? It would be wonderful if we could return to those old days,but I knew we couldn't.

"What the did you do that for,assh*le," I growled.I didn't want him to know the floaty feeling I was getting.I couldn't let him know about that.Imagine how he would smirk and sneer at me! I'm sick of being the end of his jokes... and his D.but that's old news.I swear!

Anyway,he starts to stare at me,really deep into my eyes and stuff.I swear,if he was a computer,I would be able to see the pixels in his eyes... that's how close he was.That scared me.I swore he could probably hear how loudly my heart was beating.

"You haven't changed,Junghan," he whispered huskily in my ear.

"What do you mean?" I asked,stammering slightly because of the close vicinity of my ex.

"You still get me aroused everytime you sing," he murmured.I could feel my face heat up.So what if he got aroused when I sang? He needs to learn to control his drive! Still... the way we were situated,the way he was talking,the kiss,everything was so like old times.Everything gave me that warm,fuzzy nostalgic feeling.

There was no one else on the trail,and I hoped he wouldn't  realize this so that he wouldn't me right here.Even though I wanted him to,I couldn't let him,I'm not one for ing outside.I will not listen to my libido! I will not listen to my libido! I was actually chanting that In my head as he held me,pinned against that tree.

But since I didn't want to let him into my thoughts,I merely replied cooly,"Well,that's good for you,maybe a cold shower will help."

He seemed angry by this, and he pushedme even harder against the tree trunk.

"Damnit,Junghan,don't you ing get it?" he shouted at me.I think by now,I was glad no one was around.

"Get what,Joshua?" I answered civilly.I didn't even have to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about.I really didn't know at that time.

"I love you,Junghan, and that's never going to change! Why can't you love me back?" he pleaded,eyes softening for a moment.It scared me.I thought I had made my reasons clear a year ago,as well as a few days ago!

"Listen Joshua-" I began,but i was cut off by him slamming me into the trunk again.My back was really beginning to burn.

"No! You listen,Junghan," he snarled."I need you.Come back with me!"

Here,I had the decency to avert my eyes.He didn't seem to like i though."Look at me,damnit! Look at me and tell me you don't want this as well."

See,there came the problem.I've always been horrible at lying... always.

"It doesn't matter what I feel,Joshua," I whispered calmly.

"What do you mean? You've always been the one out of the four of us who had a heart and you proudly wore it on your sleeve."

"Well,I'm sorry... but I had to take off my shirt.Like I said,it doesn't matter what I feel.You probably only want me back because you're little seme or whatever dumped you for a good with someone else."

Here,my eyes flashed angrily.Right now,I was quickly losing my cool.I was quickly losing my ability not to slaughter the man infront of me.

I glowered at him, and he scowled back.For a minute,or maybe an hour,we were stuck in that position,trying to see if we could indeed still communicate without words.It wasn't working out nearly as well as it once did.

"You're right," I said quietly.He looked suspicious.Even when we were going out,I barely admitted that he was right about anything."I know nothing about that.I only know that you two were ing on our anniversary."

"Oh that,Junghan!" he shouted desperately."That was a year ago.Give it up and move on already."

Here,I wryly smiled at him."I will if you tell me that you've given up as well.That you've given up on what we used to have.That you've given up on me."

He glared at me and I matched the intensity of his gaze calmly.It wasn't hard for us to resort to these staring contests a lost.We normally did,but that was only because whenever we used words,we only ended up fighting.

We used to be able to read each other well through our eyes.We've both had similar pasts,and so therefore - we were always able to connect.Then it stopped,we stopped being able to connect anymore.We haven't been able to get it back together again.I don't want us to be able to get it back together again,and yet,I realize,that at the same time I don't... I do.

It's hard to explain.I mean... here Joshua is,offering to give me back what I had.But can I really trust him? After what he did? After what he did to me? I gave him my trust once! I gave it to him and now I don't need it anymore.I don't need him anymore.

,I'm bad at lying.Even to myself.I do need him,I want him,I need him,but he's the sun.I can't reach him.

My hand automatically reached up,unconsciously gripping the pendant that I still wore.He's the sun.That just reminded me of a present that we bought each other - well,it was a set, and we each paid for half in order to make it seem as though we were treating the other for a present.

It was two pendants... a golden sun and a silver moon.We were always like the moon and the sun.We couldn't live without each other but at the same time,it always seemed as though we couldn't live with each other either.

I still faithfully wore the pendant.The two connect.They are halves of the other.It's hard to explain in writing,but I'm doing the best I can.It was our promise,that even though we were different,we would still be together.

It was our wish

Our wish.

Sorry.I'm just getting reminiscent.So,,, where was I? Oh yes! I reached up to grip my pendant.

Joshua immediately realized what I was doing and,unconsciously I think,he reached for his own.He still wore the one that I had given him.I trembled in his grasp.I couldn't believe it.

"The Sun cannot live without the Moon to reign in the darkness,just as the Moon cannot live without the Sun's light in the day."

Mingyu told us that,when he first compared us to being the Sun and the Moon.We brushed it off,but I've never forgotten it.I've never wanted anything more than to be the Moon with Joshua as my Sun.

It would make me complete.Ever since I walked out on him,I've felt incomplete.I've felt as though... I was missing my other half.

And I was.But that doesn't mean that I will return to him.It doesn't maen that I can return to him.

He's already betrayed me once.What's to stop him from doing it again? After all -

Nevermind.I was talking about the pendants,wasn't I? Yes.The pendants have always been the symbol of our relationship.Even though I am the Moon of the relationship,I wear the Sun pendant.It is to ensure that I would never forget that I have my Sun to balance me out.For the same reasons,he wore the Moon.

And he's still wearing it.

I couldn't dwell on the matter for long.I don't think I want to dwell on it for long.Who knows how emotional I can become if I'm like this already.

"You still have the Sun?" he asked in a soft tone that I rarely heard him use.

Dumbly,I nodded.

"I always wear the Moon," he told me as he drew me into a hug.His lips were near my ear,so I could hear what I was saying."In hopes that my Moon will be able to come back to me."

I didn't want to break his heart,but my mouth opened without consulting my mind."I didn't come back for you,I don't think I ever will,Joshua," I replied. "I came back on bussiness.I did not come back because I wanted to.I will never return after these two weeks."

I didn't apologize.I feld that would have shown too much of what was going on inside of me,and I didn't want that to happen.I didn't want him to know what I truly felt.If he knew that I kept the Sun pendant and wore it for exactly the same reason,then who knows what would ensue? I don't think I would be able to stop it,seeing as how I wanted it just as much as him.

I just couldn't do it.

"Why not?" he asked,pained."Why won't you come back to me?"

Again,my mind and mouth did not speak with each other before I spoke out loud."For the exact reason that you want me back,Joshua," I said steadily,though I knew I was on the verge of breaking at any second." I Love You."

By the time I realized what I was saying,there was no stopping what I was going to say.

"That's precisely the reason why I can't come back to you.I don't have faith that you can be what I want.I probably will never find another person like, and that is my only regret.I wish we could still be together,but I'm afraid that you will leave me."

"But,Jung-" I held up my hand to stop him.If I didn't get this out now,I realized,then I wouldn't ever get it out.

"What you did to me... I will one day get over it,but I doubt I will ever be in a serious relationship with anyone again.You are still my Sun,Joshua.You always were, and you always will be."

"I love the memories we have together.I love them more than I love any other memory.I love them more than I love myself.Those times... they are a knife to me.I love them and I hate them.I want to make more memories with you,Joshua,but..."

My voice trailed off.He pulled back from the hug he had me trapped in."Then what's stopping you?" he asked,wanting to know the answer.

I shrugged."The Stars," I replied cryptically.I knew what I meant,and by the look in his eyes,he did too.

It was a conversation we had years before,before we started going out.We had already been called the Sun and Moon and so,the four of us were gathered at Mrs Carter for a drink and all,and Mingyu had said his line which I won't forget - the one about the Sun and the Moon.

I turned to him and asked,"If we are the Sun and the Moon,then what are the Stars?"

Mingyu smiled at me."The Stars are your memories."

We laughed together that night and I blessed the Stars in my head almost every day... but they were the reason I couldn't get back with Joshua.

" the Stars!" Joshua shouted.I smiled sadly at him,reaching up - for he was always taller than me - and giving him a kiss on the lips... a chaste one,not at all like the snogging beforehand.All the anger that I had at him had drained out of me during this conversation.I was only left with sadness.I was only left with the Stars.That's why I couldn't forget them - that's why I couldn't get back together with Joshua.

I was too busy counting the Stars to move forward.It's always been my weakness,but that's what happens when you're an orphan.I mean,Its not that big deal most of the time,I just have this tiny little habit of holding onto the good memories.And if I and Joshua would ever be able to get back together,well... we would have to start from scratch and that's impossible for me.

"I can't forget,Joshua,all the good and the bad,and that's why we can't get back togther," I told him in a soft murmur.He stared at me,surprised,before loosening his grip ever so slightly on my shoulders.I stepped away from him.

As I walked away,I heard him call,"I won't lose to the Stars."

It made me smile.

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Long and emotional chapter phewww im soo exhausted and the tears lol i cried writing this chapter xD

Soo i hope you guys like this chapter <3