Date: 15 April XXXX

Dear Diary:

I don't know where to start.I don't know if I can find somewhere to start.To every little second I still have in my brain,my entire body shakes with fear.I'm confused,maybe hurt and everything is strange! There was nothing I could do! Nothing!

I'm sorry for these tears that stain your pages.I can't stop - I can't think.Everything in my brain is whirling and spinning and I can't tell what's right or wrong anymore.I'm sorry!

Today didn't start out bad.We made it back to Seoul after running away and we knew we would for our next concert.We have a roomy suite for our time spent.In two weeks,we move onto the next town.The only thing I really hate is that I can see some of the places where Joshua and I once laughed and held each other from the windows.That was all so long ago.Before... anyway,I'm a little off track.

I was out exploring my old town.I wanted to know what had changed and what had stayed the same.In the grand scheme of things,a year isn't ll that much.But to me,it has been a lifetime.I've seen so much,been so many places and met so many people.I just haven't seen that person.Even after what he did to me,I can't stop loving him.

Is that wrong of me? Should I just give up on him?

Anyway,I was telling you what happened.After a while of walking around,I decided to head to Creel's.It's a popular restaurant which is ran by ladies,I was at for most of my childhood.I had a job there because thats the only restaurant I can work at and that very day I had to convince them to take me as worker but with one condition that is making me wear make-up so that I look like a freaking Diva to work there,I guess I'm lucky because of my girly appereance before everything went to hell and I left town with Mingyu and Wonwoo.

I was glad to see that not a lot had changed.I felt that all I had to do was close my eyes and the past year didn't happen.The restaurant was the same,pinks everywhere,I was glad for it.It was only at this place that I found myself being able to live without a mask.

Well,almost.

I sat down at the bar (yes it has bars) ,greeting the old owner.Boy,the owner still look y with her long blond hair that reached her waist,she did look surprised to see me.She could recognize me even with half of her hair covering her right eye.We talked for a while about the old days before we were interrupted by a cold voice at the door.

"Creel" it said.Oh,I forgot to mention Creel's is named after the owner,Wilfora Creel.I usually call her " Wil " but most people refer to her as "Madam Creel." 

"Ah,Joshua," the Diva greeted the newcomer."What can I do for you?"

I felt my body stiffen.Joshua? What the was he doing there? He used to hate Creel's hence the pinks everywhere.Least,that;s the way he made it seem all of the time.

I wanted to turn around and look at him,but I was too scared to.I didn't want to face him yet.I didn't know how to.I wasn't ready.There was too much to say and a single glance could tell everything or nothing.I didn't want to risk the former happening.I didn't want him to know how much he hurt me.

" One " Joshua was now telling Wil.I guess Wil asked him how many people he was with.

One? Joshua would come heere alone? Tch.I wonder if the world is ending.

"Then why don't you just take right here with Junghan and me," the Diva invited graciously.

I froze,though.He said my name! He said my name to Joshua! I didn't want to see Joshua yet! I felt his cold gaze on my back and I bit my lip.Since the cat's out of the bad,I suppose I might as well greet the bastard.

Turnign around,I put on my most infamous mask,which was,of course my angelic smile.

"Hi,Joshua,I'm back," I said.

For a second,I saw something flash on his face.It was surprise,but I wasn't sure.After all,this is Joshua we're talking about.He's a stoic bastard.Even I made him laugh in public only a few times.When we were alone,it was a seperate matter,however.He would drop his stoic face for me and we had fun.

Oh,good times,good times.

He merely grunted at me after he regained his composure.I wasn't offended.It was a typical Joshua greeting.I recalled when we had first met,it took me weeks and months for him to give me any type of expression or anything more then that stupid grunt.I loved getting a rise out of him.

"Not gonna welcome me home,bastard?" I asked him with my smile somehow intact."That's all right." Here,I felt the bitter taste of our long-ago goodbye."Your going away present to me wasn't exactly happily received,either."

He glared at me.I don't blame him.I would glare if I was in his shoes,but I'm not him.I'm the person he cheated on,not who cheated.er.I calmed my anger.Joshua seemed to collect himself as well.

"Why are you back?" he asked tightly.

I looked at him while sipping my tea calmly."Business."

"Really," he wanted to know.If you ask me,he sounded a bit disbelieving.

"Yes," I replied."the band is on tour.Seoul is our first concert,then we move on."

Joshua looked surprised again.Man,this guy is cracking.Or maybe I was just hallucinating.

"You're expecting me to believe that the band actually got somewhere," he growled,smirking in that superior way of his.

I smirked back."I'm not expecting you to believe anything.The facts are this,though.Our first CD came out last month.It's number twelve on the list."

Joshua stared at me.I just looked back,acting as if I didn't care.I don't even know how or why I was still calm at that point.I was hopelessly in love with the but I managed to act as though I got over him months ago.

I know I'm not over him.I know that more than I know my songs.

"Walk with me,Junghan," he ordered.I wanted so much to yell at him,so much to tell him that he couldn't order me around like this anymore,but I couldn't.Something prevented me from doing it.

It doesn't mean that I don't usually talk back to people,but I don't usually talk back to Joshua.I just can't.It's always been a problem.At one time,it made me hate him.Then I began to enjoy his company.Let me make something perfectly clear,now that I think about it.When I say "talk back"I mean,I follow his orders but usually not without some type of unhappy verbalization.

In other words,I followed Joshua out of Creel's.We walked for a while in tense silence.Coming a cross a park at the center of Seoul,we walked until we found a bench.

I say down immediately.Without saying anything,I was making it perfectly clear that if he wanted to say something,he should say it here and now.

I didn't want to be here.I didn't want to confront Joshua now,or ever,really.I was trying to get over him.It wasn't working for some reason or another,but that's not the point in question here.

"I..." Joshua began but stopped himself.I wonder what he was going to say.

"I love you,Junghan," Joshua continued quickly.

I think what I did was right at that moment.When he said that,I stood up and hit him as hard as I could,slapping him across the face.That ! How...how ed up can he be? Did he lose something in his skull? Was it his ing mind?

"What the was that for,idiot!" Joshua growled at me.

I had to keep in control.I was telling myself this.I had to keep in control of my emotions,so that I wouldn't break down infront of him.That would be bad.Very bad.

"Are you that stupid?" I yelled at him."What the did you expect me to say?"

"That you love me too," Joshua told me in a smug manner.

I kept chanting "control" in my mind.

"You want me to love you?" I snapped. "You want me to forget that I caught you cheating on me,in our bed? You want me to forget that when I asked you about it,you merely shrugged? You want me to put all of the times I cried for you,wondering if everything we ever did meant anything behind me? Are you really that idiotic, Joshua?"

Here,I must admit,my control was not at its best.Around Joshua,I must admit,I have always been more easily provoked.It's a fault of mine,but I didn't expect to be confronting my faults right there.I was completely out of my mind.It was horrifying,yet at the same time,it was thrilling for me to finally let out all of my emotions.It was especially good to let out these emotions to the person who initially caused me grief.

Joshua just looked at me.I was breathing heavily due to my anger.I glared at him through my eyes I hope I did not give away my forbidden love for this man.I couldn't let him know how I felt.That was not what I wanted to show him now.I was angry,all of my rage that I had kept contained was boiling off my skin.

Joshua looked directly at me,with a strange look in his eyes.I was about to say something when he spoke.

"You cried for me?" he asked in a soft,almost broken,tone.

I didn't know what to say to him at this point.I didn't know if I could say anything.He stared at me in a weird way.I couldn't understand what emotions he was showing.Silently,I nodded,not looking away from those deep black eyes.

"I didn't think you'd cry for me," he whispered.

I found myself growing angry again.How can he be saying this to me?

"We were together for five years,Joshua," I spat out. "Of course I cried of course i was angry.I really did love you,Joshua."

I was being stupid now,talking with my heart.It was more of me than I felt I had been in ages.I felt tired,so drained of all emotion that there as nothing left except what I was saying without even thinking about it beforehand.

"Maybe I still do,but you look as though you never loved me."

Can anyone besides me hear my heart cracking in half? Maybe it's actually shattering into millions of little pieces.

"I was your toy! I was just an easy for you,wasn't I?"

I had my pride,you realize.I didn't cry during this entire time I was with Joshua.Now like I am now,mind you.

"Did you ever love me?" I screamed."Did you just go out with me because you hated me that much? Was I always a ing game to you?"

I was completely gone at this point.I wouldn't have been surprised if he had hit me.He didn't though.I hadn't been focusing on him during my entire rant,but now I did.

He looked... sad.So sad.I found my voice catch in my throat,but I made myself talk.I wasn't done! Looking at him straight in the eye,I snarled in a low voice,"I'm not your plaything anymore."

Joshua just stared at m.He didn't even look the slightest bit angry,which I had expected from him.

"Is that how you think of me?" he asked quietly.Giving out a tiny laugh,he sighed."Looking back,I don't blame you for anything that you've said.I was an .I hurt you and..."

So the bastard couldn't even say he was sorry."And what,Joshua?" I snapped."You're sorry?" Here,I gave an un-amused snort."Bull.You're the great Joshua Hong.You don't have time to be sorry! Goodbye."

I turned to walk away.I wanted to walk away from my ex lover forever.He didn't need me in his perfect life.He didn't need me to be there and everything up.

But I need him.Still,I suppose love is just all about self-sacrifice.Love is synonymous with pain.Nothing can ever or will ever change that.I don't think I'll ever find another person to love as much as I love Joshua.But he will have to.

Because he doesn't need me.That knowledge gve me the strength to be able to walk away from all of this.This relationship,that is.

I had barely gone five feet when someone blocked my path.Looking up,I saw Joshua standing there.

"Get out of my way,Joshua," I tried to sound angry,but even I'll admit it sounded more sad than anything.

Joshua didn't anser me.He just wrapped his arms around me,embracing me to his chest.I didn't move,neither to hug him back nor pull away.My heart was pounding against my chest.I sighed to myself,inhaling the scent of my Joshua.

No,he wasn't mine.He never had been.

Slowly,while I was thinking,he leaned down.I could feel his muscle shift but didn't fully comprehent it.That is,I didn't fully understand what he was doing until his lips were covering my own.I gasped in surprise.

Joshua slipped his tongue inside my mouth.How I missed this feeling! How I wanted to have this back... but I couldn't.

Joshua isn't mine!

I broke away and without a second of hesitation,I ran.I ran as fast as I could.I thought I heard him call my name,but it was probably just my imagination.

God,I can't stop crying.The tears started as soon as I got back into the suite.I'm so glad that neither Mingyu nor Wonwoo can see me like this.I'm writing this down to get it out of me.I need to just... move on with my life.

I will get past Joshua.It's for his own good that I'm not in his life.

Love is sacrifice - and a sacrifice is all I am.

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Finally,I'm so sorry again its not like i hate them being together its just part of the storyline please be dont hate and anticipate next chapters.

And I had to add myself there lol i just felt like being in this ff dun worry i wont steal anyone just a restaurant boss...