SURPRISE! (you are allowed to gasp and act shocked now) i found a job for the summer so there's that. and what way to celebrate the last of my free days other than writing? this works like a small gift for you wonderful people who'll have to wait through my slow updates and my procrastination. may patience be ever in your favour <3

Metamelia
n.
From the Greek word μεταμέλεια meaning:
Feeling of regret over an action/behavior and the will for compensation

Jongin raised his hand and Yifan grabbed his arm before he sent the cell phone flying across the street and probably hitting a car or a person. The brunet was both angry and thankful for the gesture and Yifan’s fast reflexes.

He wasn’t sure what he was fighting.

Luhan’s fears?

Luhan’s past?

Luhan?

Himself?

Everything had become such a mess he had no real hold of the present. Everything seemed to slip from his palms and he could do nothing but wait for what would be left of it. Who was he supposed to blame now?

Himself?

His parents?

He wasn’t sure what had triggered such a response from his parents. To send someone over and trash Luhan’s apartment? Leave a threatening note ordering him to stay away from Jongin? It was beyond his sanity.

How could everything go downhill so suddenly? Just after things had started to look up?

“Calm down, it won’t bring him back.”

He should listen to Yifan, he decided. The blond let go of him, letting the younger stumble on his feet. Now what?

“I was expecting him to be upset, angry even. But I didn’t expect him to run off like a prey animal.” Jongin couldn’t understand much in his present life. Just when he thought he was finally able to read Luhan like an open book…

“It’s my fault.” Yifan sounded so sure and that alone made Jongin look at him with a confused stare. “I am the reason he ran away.”

Suddenly, the pieces were falling into place and a low whisper left Jongin’s lips.

“Kris.”

The regret in the blond’s eyes was enough of a confirmation and Jongin felt his insides turn upside down and burn to ash. With a swift move, Jongin brought his fist into the taller man’s jaw. He wouldn’t feel guilty for using all of his strength, even when Yifan grabbed on his face in pain. Blood tickled down the side of his mouth, dripping just like Jongin’s patience.

“You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of meeting you, you awful bastard.” His tone was low and harsh, the people passing by started avoiding them after the hit. “Life is indeed so funny and the world is so small after all!”

“I regret everything, Jongin. I was so drunk and I—“

“There’s no such an excuse as too drunk, Yifan. No such excuse.”

“Believe me.” Yifan eyed his clenched fists. “Hit me as much as you like but I have really moved on and—“

“Well, guess who hasn’t, little boy!” Jongin made a step towards him but the elder didn’t as much as move. He seemed to accept the punishment, however it came and in whomever’s hands it would be. “He hasn’t moved on. He is still dreaming of that night. He is still having nightmares seven ing years after. All because a colleague was too much of an idiot to keep his in his pants.”

Maybe he was fighting for Luhan, in the end.

“I’ve wanted to apologize to him for years but he never replied back, as many times I tried and as many ways I’ve used to reach him.”

Jongin was surprised at that fact. Had Yifan—Kris, for the matter—tried to apologize all this while? And Luhan had kept ignoring him? He had never mentioned anything about that. He hadn’t even said much about Kris except that fatal night. This was new and he wasn’t sure anymore what he was supposed to believe. If it was true, however, why hadn’t Luhan said anything about it to him?

Whichever Luhan’s reason was, Jongin decided to remain angry.

“Of course he wouldn’t want to talk with you!” Who would want that after being that hurt? “You must be crazy to think he would forgive you in an instant.”

“I never forced him to forgive me. I just wanted him to know that I regret everything I did to him.”

Jongin didn’t have an answer to that. Yifan’s eyes carried a deep sadness and his anger evaporated so quickly he wished he had been harsher. But it was so hard to keep being mad at someone who was so genuine, so honest. At least he’d accepted his wrongdoings and made peace in himself. The student could not say the same with himself.

“Alright, just leave and go check up on my parents. I’ll find Luhan myself.”

Yifan bowed and did as told, disappearing somewhere into the dark parking lot in search of his car. Jongin let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been restricting.

To find Luhan, he had to think like Luhan and knowing the elder was such an introvert and a shy individual, Jongin knew exactly where to look. That was how he appeared in front of Kyungsoo’s door after searching Luhan’s place for his friend’s number only to confirm his gut feelings. He’d asked Kyungsoo to talk in another room and there, he’d updated him on Luhan—“He’s still crying, hasn’t eaten anything and won’t talk to me about what happened”.

Following Kyungsoo’s directions, he ended up in front of the elder’s door. The short man was quick to fetch him and Jongin bowed in a greeting to him and the woman he found sitting on the couch. Hana, as Luhan had called her. Jongin always found it interesting how Luhan would talk about true love and how happy he was that Kyungsoo had found it. He’d continue with the usual “but it’s so rare nowadays” and would wear a sad expression, a disappointed even. And he’d end with “I hope there’s someone out there for me” and all Jongin would do was swallow the reply of “you should take a look around you, instead”.

Jongin hated the fact that Luhan would dream of real love yet be so blind to what Jongin actually felt for him. This was not something he could walk away from. This was not something he’d abandon without a fight. And when they met in that hotel that night, he knew Luhan finally realized if not everything, then at least most of his feelings.

“He didn’t tell me anything. What happened? I hope you weren’t the one to cause all this…” Kyungsoo’s sentence held some hints of anger and suspicion, and Jongin was thankful Luhan had somewhere to run to and hide. Somewhere where someone will be happy to accept him and take care of him.

Even if he wanted to be Luhan’s first choice, he was glad he had another haven in the little world of his.

“I was not the cause. It was my parents again.” And Kris. And his past. And all those little details he kept to himself. If Luhan had never told him himself, Jongin surely had no right to mention anything.

“Your parents..?” Jongin could see the flash-back and the opinion Kyungsoo had of his mother and he felt being judged. “Wouldn’t it be easier to prove them you two are happy the way you are instead of this?”

Jongin would want to laugh if Kyungsoo was not right. But he didn’t fully understand his parents. They were too blinded by wealth and status to stop and listen.

“I am trying my best,” was his only reply but it somehow satisfied Kyungsoo.

“First door on your right.”

He heard Hana whisper something as soon as he entered the hall but he gave no mind. The door to the room was slightly ajar and pure darkness reeked from inside. Pushing it, he found what was supposedly Kyungsoo’s bedroom. There was a lump on the bed which the moon lit and he could hear low whimpering from under the covers. The door creaked and Luhan fell silent in his cr