Kim Dong-hyub sat on the couch and put his head in his hands.  He had freaked out.  He had lead Han Tae-sun on and just when everything felt perfect, he had freaked out.  It was a bad moment to have a freak out considering they were both close to the end.  Why?.....

…..

When he got out of Kim Dong-hyub’s apartment, Han Tae-sun called Park Hyun-ki.  “Where are you guys?”  He did not want to be alone in his apartment.  He needed to be around people he knew just to distract himself.  He will collect his thoughts later.  For now, all he felt was frustration and anger. 

His rational mind told him he was not angry with Kim Dong-Hyub.  It was Kim Dong-Hyub’s first time and having someone else's in his hand and enjoying the feeling could lead to a freak out.  No matter how natural it felt for the body, for someone who had slept with only women, finding himself enjoying a man’s touch and in turn enjoying touching him could lead to amental freak out.  He should be allowed to have a freak out or two.   But Han Tae-sun was not feeling rational at this moment.  He just felt angry.  At himself, at Kim Dong-Hyub but mostly at himself.

He had allowed himself to get carried away emotionally. 

He knew those kisses had ruined him.  He will never be able to have again without thinking how different it is when you have emotions involved.  When you are not just trying to get off but enjoy every single touch, get joy in giving and receiving. 

Every time he had allowed himself to feel in the past, it had lead him to a cycle of depression because it had never worked out.   That is why he had toughened up over time.  Keep it simple.  Don’t get emotional.  Don’t get involved.  And here he goes again.

Damn that er Kim Dong-Hyub!

Park Hyun-ki told him he was hanging around with his friends and they were planning to go to Karaoke.  May be that was what he needed Han Tae-sun thought.  Some music, even if it was Karaoke.    There would be at least 6-7 people there.  Everyone would be acting like a fool, singing in terrible voices, yelling and fighting for the microphone.  It sounded perfectly chaotic and enough to occupy his mind.  Han Tae-sun decided to go there.  There would be enough noise to drown out the voices in his head. 

Park Hyun-ki noticed Han Tae-sun was not looking like himself.  He saw vulnerability when Han Tae-sun thought no one was looking.  Han Tae-sun did not voluntarily join noisy parties.  Least of all Karaoke.  Something had happened.  He wondered what.  He knew better than to ask.  It was not like Han Tae-sun would actually tell him even if he asked.

Han Tae-sun tried hanging around.  Hoping to feel better.  It was just not his thing.  Then, someone wanted an Oska song.  It was the song Han Tae-sun had written and produced.  Han Tae-sun walked out.  Last thing needed was Oska right now.  Why was nothing working for him today? 

Park Hyun-ki followed Han Tae-sun out.  He was not sure of Han Tae-sun’s moods today.  He had read variety of expressions on his face while he was in the booth.  He looked angry, he looked in pain, and then he was back to his normal surly face.  Some time he moved his hand in his hair and Hyun-ki saw wariness and then more pain.  Something big had happened.

It was clear Han Tae-sun needed some company.  That would have been the only reason he would decide to come hang out with a noisy crowd. 

“It is really noisy inside.” Hyun-ki said as he followed him out of the place.  “Want to go somewhere quieter?”

Han Tae-sun looked at him.  He was debating if he should just ask Hyun-ki to come with him to the apartment.  May be he should remind himself just was okay too.  Even as he was debating, Park Hyun-ki asked him if he wanted to go to his apartment.  Both of them knew what that meant.

Han Tae-sun gave him a nod.

That is where they went.  Normally, the moment they entered, they would take care of business.  There were some rough kisses to get going, hands directly going to each other’s crotch to get them hard quickly.  Sometimes, they just jerked each other off.  Even with all clothes on.  Some days they each other off.  When it was not enough, they would just .  Sometimes, Hyun-ki on top and sometimes Han Tae-sun on top.  That got decided by looking at each other and depending on who was putting on whose .  After they were done, Park Hyun-ki would hang around for a while to recover.  They would talk about things that did not matter.  Hyun-ki shared his apartment with two more friends so they always met at Han Tae-sun’s place.  Han Tae-sun had never asked him to stay over.  It was always understood Hyun-ki would leave after a while.

That was what was normal for them.  It was perfectly okay arrangement.  Neither wanted more.  They both knew if one of them was not available, they would look for someone else.  Neither got hurt.

Today was not normal.  As they entered the apartment, Park Hyun-ki pulled Han Tae-sun towards him for that customary rough kiss with his hand already moving to unbuckle his belt.  Instead of returning the kiss, Han Tae-sun pushed him.  Hyun-ki looked at him enquiringly stopping the movement.  “You don’t want it?”  Han Tae-sun looked irritated as he glared at Hyun-ki. 

“Why is it that we don’t take our time?” Han Tae-sun asked.

“Say what?” Park Hyun-ki asked dumbfounded. 

Han Tae-sun shook his head in irritation.  “Hang on”.  Park Hyun-ki sat on the couch and watched with interest as Han Tae-sun went and washed his face.  Then he took the time to remove wallet from his pants, put that on the small desk that he used also as dining table.  He had his head down.  His bangs covering half of his face.  He leaned against the desk with his back to Hyun-ki.  Not speaking a word. 

Han Tae-sun was wearing skinny jeans that fit him like a glove.  He had a simple graphic T that hung on him emphasizing his broad shoulders, nice arms and flat stomach. As Hyun-ki watched him, he had a random thought.  Han Tae-sun looked y.  He was lean, pale, tall, great lines, shock of red hair, a face that looked pure and lips that were extraordinarily inviting.  Something stirred inside Park Hyun-ki.

 Why was it that he had never really looked at Han Tae-sun?  He was beautiful to look at.  Hyun-ki was always with beautiful looking people considering his profession and perhaps that is why he had never really paid particular attention to Han Tae-sun.  May be he never really had the chance.  Theirs was a relationship based out of pure convenience.  They barely really looked at each other.  Considering the number of times they had slept with each other, Park Hyun-ki was surprised at himself that he had never really seen Han Tae-sun. 

For the first time, since he had known Han Tae-sun, Park Hyun-ki felt different.  This was a dangerous feeling.  No way welcome.  Especially by Han Tae-sun. 

It was interesting Park Hyun-ki thought, that they were always each other’s first choice when it came to .  If either was unavailable, then they would look for the next option.  Hyun-ki always felt a little disappointed when Han Tae-sun was not available but it was not an emotion he allowed himself to dwell on.  He always thought he felt disappointed because he had to make another call or had missed an opportunity to get off.  As he watched Han Tae-sun leaning against that desk, with his head down, with bangs covering his face, he wondered if he had been disappointed at those times because it was Han Tae-sun saying he was not available.

‘What exactly am I thinking here?’ Park Hyun-ki wondered to himself.  He still watched Han Tae-sun silently.  Waiting…

Then the phone rang and it was Han Tae-sun’s.  Han Tae-sun looked at it and did not answer.  He was biting his lips and Park Hyun-ki felt himself stir again.  ‘What the ?’ he asked himself, trying to stop encouraging this strange emotion. 

“Aren’t you taking that?” Hyun-ki asked. 

“No”. 

“Who is it?” Hyun-ki asked. 

“None of your damn business!” Han Tae-sun snapped at him.

Any other day Hyun-ki would not have cared.  He would have laughed, raised his hands and said “Okay okay”.  That would have been the end of it.  This was not the first time Han Tae-sun was rude to him.  He was always rude.  That was him.  It had not mattered before.

Today, Park Hyun-ki felt hurt. 

“Listen, I think I should leave” he told Han Tae-sun.

The phone rang again.  Han Tae-sun did not answer.  But he looked up finally at Hyun-ki and said softly “Stay”. 

Park Hyun-ki just melted.  Han Tae-sun looked to be in a world of pain and Hyun-ki wanted to remove that pain and get him back to his surly self.  This side of Han Tae-sun was too much for him.  Just when he was about to just grab Han Tae-sun, his phone rang. 

So, he stopped himself and looked at it.  It was Kim Dong-Hyub.  ‘eh?’ They had exchanged numbers the last time they met at that club.  Kim Dong-Hyub had not called him once.  So, it was strange to get this call at this time of the night. 

Han Tae-sun looked tense.  He asked “Who is it?”

Something clicked in Park Hyun-ki’s head.  ‘Ah!’

‘So this was it’.  Something was going on between Han Tae-sun and Kim Dong-Hyub and it had Han Tae-sun all tied in knots. 

Park Hyun-ki answered the phone without answering Han Tae-sun.  “Hey, this is a surprise!”

Kim Dong-Hyub sounded strained.  “I was trying to reach Han Tae-sun.  He is not answering his phone.  Do you know where he is?”

“Why?  He is right here.  I am at his apartment actually.  Hang on” Knowing he was being really y, Park Hyun-ki looked at Han Tae-sun.  “It is Kim Dong-Hyub” He knew Kim Dong-Hyub could hear him.  “Here, he wants to talk to you.  Why are you not answering his call?”

Han Tae-sun had no choice but to say “I don’t want to talk to him right now”.  Hyun-ki raised his eyebrows as if he had no idea what was going on.  Han Tae-sun must think he was really dumb.  “Sorry Kim Dong-Hyub, it looks like he is not in the mood right now.  You know how he is.”

“Yeah, I know.  Thanks Park Hyun-ki.  Will catch up with you one of these days” Kim Dong-Hyub hung up the phone, his voice tight. 

Park Hyun-ki had no idea what was going on between the two.  He knew he had done something wrong but he felt a erse sense of justice.  He looked at Han Tae-sun still pretending he had no clue what was going on.  “What’s going on?”

Han Tae-sun “None of your damn business”

Park Hyun-ki felt he had done the right thing with that phone call.  ‘Why the should he care?’  If he is treated like a door mat, he will be a door mat.  He raised his hands and said “Looks like you are not in the mood.  I am going to go now”.  He did not wait for a response.  He left.

….

Kim Dong-Hyub held his phone tight.  So, Han Tae-sun went to Park Hyun-ki.  “you knew what you were getting into” he told himself.  What did he expect?  He tried to empty his mind.  Took a shower.  Went to bed hoping sleep would come.  It was a long night.

….