We just finished our D&E promotions.

Our company seemed to have maximized every opportunity that it could get before Eunhyuk and I enlist.

We could practically live in the practice room for all the hours of singing and dancing that we needed to do.

And there's Super Junior schedules too.

But I am not complaining, I welcome the toxicity of it all.. 

I wanted it, i wanted to be busy, I wanted to tire myself to exhaustion, so that I won't have time and energy anymore to think about her when I am alone to myself.

Her.

The person that is my ideal.

The person that I decided to pursue love with. The one I so fought to have. The one I've been wanting to be called mine for years.

She is Sandara Park.

Just the thought of her name, it came again, as with the nights that came before this night, I felt the pain..

Believe me, heartache is literal and can be physically felt after so much wallowing in it.

I know because I felt it, that stabbing pain on my chest. The tachycardiac beating of my heart whenever I think of her.

It was not easy.

Just thinking about her, saying her name, my eyes stung with tears. And I cried.

"I miss you. Baby. How are you? It's been months" I whispered.

I hope she could hear my heart.

Flashback....

"Hey baby, are you still there?"

I can hear her talking to me, but I was dead tired that I can no longer respond to her,

"Ok, rest well baby, i love you, bye."  there it is, the sad tone on her voice but I could not react anymore. Sleep took over me.

"Mianhe"

Well, that was just one of our phone conversations in the past. 

Because we cannot see each other like normal couples do, we burned the lines talking to each other.

What we can't physically do, we made up for all the late night conversations we had.

We had no choice.

Super Junior released an album, we were having concerts overseas, our group were too busy that Sandara and I can't see each other anymore.

It was so frustrating to us, but it was more frustrating to Dara. She was the one who was not really busy with anything as her group is on a hiatus.

It was me who went in and out of the country, it was me who had no time and energy to see her.

It was my fault..

Somehow I knew that she was not all that happy with the way things were going in our relationship.

I was not happy too because we were not spending much time together just like a normal couple would do.

I could never miss the sadness, her silence, for every cancelled date or meetings cut short.  

Time became a luxury that we could not afford.

But I know in our hearts we loved each other. I love her and I know I did my best to make her feel how deeply I had fallen for her.

I showed her I love her, with every opportunity that I had. 

But we managed.

And so I thought.

That one rainy night, it came.

We were on my couch cuddling and enjoying the sound of rain.

We were facing my window, her head rested against my chest, my arms around her shoulders.

I thought we were enjoying the moment, then suddenly, she cried..

"