thinking of that time not long ago

all those days we spent alone

walking hand in hand and never letting them go

but now you're into someone new

and i can forgive you

for making all those promises that will never come true

It Hurts - 2NE1

Their kitchen table was small, just big enough to fit her and Sungjae comfortably, and perhaps one other person if they tried. But usually it was just her and Sungjae, and that was perfectly fine. With one hand, she spooned her breakfast into while trying to tame Sungjae’s hair. It wasn’t working, and he wriggled away, an annoyed look on his face.

“No, mama.” He shook his head, trying to get away. “S’fine. I don’t need it brushed.”

Chaeyeon sighed, exasperated, because this happened every morning, and every morning she had to practically wrestle him still so she could run a comb through it. “Yes it does need a brush, Sungjae.” She scolded. “What would seonsang-nim Kim say if you came in looking like you’d walked backwards through a bush?”

“He wouldn’t care.” Sungjae mumbled resentfully as she dragged the comb through. “Mama!” He yelled when it snagged on a particularly knotted tangle.

“Seonsang-nim would care, don’t be deliberately obtuse.” She scolded him, rolling her eyes.

“What does ob-tuse mean?” He asked, his forehead wrinkling in displeasure. She sighed again. She sometimes forgot that using big words around Sungjae wasn’t fair, as he didn’t know what they meant. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“It means you are being annoying and you know it.” There was laughter in her words, and she knew he’d pick up on it, like the overly precocious child he was occasionally. He could be very like her, and sometimes he was more introverted, a little moody. Through all that, he was still very, very cute. But that was probably Sungmin’s genes, not hers.

“I’m not.” He said, poking his tongue out as she pulled the comb through once more. For once, he didn’t complain as she tugged a panda hat on his head and pushed his small hands into the matching gloves (she maintained that he could look ridiculously sweet and keep warm; it was something she tried to achieve when dressing him at all times). “Mama.” He groaned. “Why can’t I have my Power Rangers one?”

“Because it needs a wash. You got it dirty last week, remember.” She reminded him gently, as she stood up, dumping the rest of her unfinished breakfast in the bin and rinsing her bowl distractedly.

Sungjae nodded quietly, wandering over to the cupboard where he kept his rucksack. He stretched up to open the fridge and take out the lunchbox she had hurriedly made before he’d woken up. Pausing for a moment, he asked: “Mama, did you put extra cake in there? I promised seonsang-nim I’d bring him some.”

She nodded, her eyes crinkling up in the corners as she attempted a smile. “Uh-huh.”

Sungjae nodded back, looking pensive. Well, as pensive as a four year old could look. He said nothing about the fact that his father had not come to take him out last night, instead choosing to hope he’d come tonight. And besides, when he mentioned the fact that he’d wanted to see daddy, mama’s face always fell, and it made him get a funny feeling in his tummy. He would much rather try to keep her expression unworried.

It was hard, to be honest. Occasionally he got into fights with the stupid boys who pointed out his dad was not married to his mum, and there would be some taunting, and he’d never handled that well. He wasn’t volatile, but his temper could get the best of him. The last scuffle had been a mess, both of them covered in dirt and two broken toys beside them. Seonsang-nim had called both of their parents in to have a talk, and his mother’s anger had been frightening.

Her eyes flashed when she was angry, he had learned. It wasn’t nice.

After the yelling, though, she had come into his room to cuddle him and tell him she was proud of him anyway but beating up bad people wasn’t the way to go about life. He had hugged back, of course. It was scary to think mummy was angry with him. She also promised not to tell dad. If he even asked.

Sungjae shuffled his feet for a minute before looking up at his mother, all big eyes and dark hair. She bit her lip, taking her keys from the side and shifting her bag onto her shoulder. Her hand held his tightly as they walked to the lift. She pressed a finger to her lips, warning him not to make any noise in case Mrs Park woke up and yelled at them, as she had a habit of doing.

Sungjae nodded solemnly back and tried to tiptoe over to the lift as quietly as possible. When they made it into the lift without the piercing shrill of the old woman, Chaeyeon held her hand up for a high five and Sungjae slapped his small palm against hers, giggling. The streets were busy when they tumbled out of the lift and their apartment building. Sungjae’s nursery school was a short walk away, tucked down a path in the direction of the parade of shops.

Chaeyeon tried to keep her face happy, as she swung their hands together and hoped that the man walking his dog behind them was only glaring because that was his natural disposition. She was tired of the never-ending disapproval of her status as a single mother. Her friends didn’t care, but then they wouldn’t. Most of them had earned disapproval in their own small ways.

The cheery building of the nursery came into view, a constant stream of bubbly kids and tired parents stumbling in. The teacher, Kim Ryeowook, was a slight man who hadn’t long passed his teacher training. He had a sweet smile and seemed perpetually excitable and enthusiastic. He wasn’t much taller than Chaeyeon without heels, either, but to the children in his care, he was still a giant grown-up.

“Seonsang-nim, your hair is different.” Sungjae announced, still clinging to his mother’s hand. Ryeowook grinned back, the hair in question dyed a dark red and styled so that it spiked up at the front.

“Thank you for noticing, Sungjae-ah.” He seemed pleased that he had noticed, and Chaeyeon laughed a little.

“It looks good!” She said, wanting to boost the teacher’s confidence about it. He was kind, and there weren’t many people who accepted the fact Sungjae’s dad was not always there without question, so she liked to be nice to him. And really, she liked cheering other people up. It often felt like she was down and couldn’t bring herself up, so she tried to get rid of that feeling in others. It was probably some Freudian avoidance of her own emotions, but she never liked to examine her true feelings carefully. There was too much that might break the peace of mind she had managed to create.

She left Sungjae with his friends and his teacher and the promise she would pick him up later. One half of her morning routine over, she headed towards the train station, hoping that her train would come quickly and she wouldn’t have to wait, shivering. She needed a new coat, but she was waiting until her next paycheque to buy it. Sungjae’s birthday had taken up any spare cash she had.

She worked in an office, doing boring paperwork in a tower block indistinguishable from any other one. It was a monotonous job, and not the one she would have chosen if she could have helped it, but it paid the bills. And that was all she needed. A day sat at her computer wasn’t exactly life-affirming, but her co-workers tended to be nice, and break-times were generally fun with them. Her supervisor, Jungsu, brightened up her day a little that break as he regaled her with tales of his best friend’s, Youngwoon, birthday party the weekend before. She almost snorted her coffee through her nose when he revealed that he woke up next to a mutual friend of theirs, Hyukjae, in a dress.

“You actually ended up in a dress?” At Jungsu’s nod, she pouted. “I wish I’d been at this one. I remember, last year, Heechul threatened to do it to you, I just didn’t know he was actually going to do it…”

“I wish you’d been there!” Jungsu laughed. “Why didn’t you come? Last I heard, you said you were coming.”

Her lips quirked. “Sungmin couldn’t have Sungjae. And my parents, well, they don’t exactly live near.” She looked down, placing her mug on the nearest surface.

“Damn, that would stop you. So responsible.” Jungsu wasn’t responsible for anything. He was nearing thirty, but he wasn’t married and had no children. He could still go out and do whatever the hell he wanted. She didn’t begrudge him that at all-she liked him, had ever since she’d come to work there-but he had no idea how stressful it could be sometime. A few years ago, a lifetime ago, she would have been the same. She had loved going out and being free, but things had changed.

“I kind of have to be responsible.” She swallowed. “Sungjae’s not going to bring up himself.” She forced a hollow chuckle. Jungsu’s warm hand squeezed her shoulder.

“I know. I’m sorry. Maybe I should have been more thoughtful.” He looked shifty. “I’m always putting my foot in things.”

She shook her head. “Don’t be silly!” This time her smile was more genuine. “You just made my break that much more amusing.” Jungsu gave his signature laugh, the silly sound of it widening her smile. “You do have the weirdest laugh, Jungsu.”

“I do not.” He told her, moving the hand on her shoulder to nudge her lightly. “My laugh is fantastic.”

She was about to answer when he phone went off, the first few lines of 2NE1’s Can’t Nobody cutting through their conversation. She excused herself in order to answer it, having a sneaking suspicion as to who the caller was.

“Sungmin,” she started. “If this is you calling to cancel on me, I will murder you.” She said slowly, enunciating each syllable in attempt to keep her temper under control.

“What, no hello?” He replied dryly. At her angry snort, he coughed. “Look, I’m not calling to cancel-”

“Oh, for once.” Chaeyeon couldn’t help the little interjection. Sungmin chose to ignore it.

“I was actually calling to ask if you wanted me to have him for the night. I get home early tonight, so I thought you might want a break.” Chaeyeon didn’t know what to say. It was so typical of Sungmin. Make her feel he didn’t care at all, and then at the last minute, do something so unexpectedly thoughtful.

“Y-yes.” She wished she wasn’t so surprised. “Sungjae will love that. He missed you yesterday.”

Sungmin was silent for a moment. “He did?”

Chaeyeon almost sighed in exasperation. What, it hadn’t occurred to him that his son might actually want to see him on his birthday? “Yes, Sungmin, he did. It was his birthday and you are his dad, after all.” Even if you’re hardly ever there, she added silently.

“I’m sorry, okay.” He sounded defensive. “I couldn’t get off in time, and I really didn’t think you’d want me to take him out at nine o’clock at night. He is only four.”

“You think I don’t know that?” She snapped. “I’m surprised you even remember his age.” There was a pause. She regretted saying it. She wanted to blame stress, but she was pretty sure it was just the tension that these conversations with Sungmin were always fraught with. “I’m sorry. That was spiteful.”

“Chae-ah…” Sungmin’s tone was almost a warning. Don’t go too far. There was so much to say, so much to be resentful for, but they could never vocalise it. She wished she could tell him to stop calling her Chae. She wanted to say he’d lost the right to that nickname a long time ago. But she knew she never would, because of that older, masochistic part of her that liked hearing it come out of his mouth.

“So what time will you come?”  She asked, breezing past the awkwardness, telling herself they’d face it another day. Of course, another day.

“I’ll come by yours at four.” He replied. When she didn’t say anything, he cleared his throat. “I mean it, Chae. I’ll be there. I’ll make it up to him.” I’ll make it up to you. He didn’t say it, but she could hear the words hanging in the air.

“Alright. I’ll…see you then.” They said their goodbyes, and she slipped the phone back into her pocket.

When she sat back behind her desk, Jungsu was watching her. He had overheard the last part of the conversation by the encouraging smile he was giving her. She rolled her eyes in response.

“So…you’re home free tonight.” Jungsu’s smile became a smirk. “Gonna go out and get faced?”

“Were you not listening when I said I had responsibility?” She smirked back at him. “I haven’t gotten faced in years.”

“Probably a good thing.” Jungsu pulled a face. “At least then you don’t end up having an impromptu Thursday every time your friends get drunk.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what it is, my friends just appear to like getting . When we were at university, our floor was known as the ‘ floor’. Everyone else seemed to be able to keep their clothes on and then you get to us and bam, nothing.”

“Er, thanks for that.” She wondered what on earth he and his friends got up to. The image was quite comical. “Well, I’ll probably get dragged out by Junghee, at least. Maybe end up at Heechul’s .”

She knew that Junghee missed her best friend coming out with her. They hadn’t had a good night out in a while, and now she had the chance. It was a of luck Sungmin had decided to be caring today, she thought. She needed the rest, and it would really make Sungjae so happy that his dad wanted to look after him. And anything that made Sungjae happy was worth it.