Just once, just once, please look for me
The more you feel, the more you feel
I become more and more invisible

TRAX - Blind

A week later after the whole escapade with Siwon, and she was sat at her desk, drinking coffee with Junghee in the remains of her lunch break. Junghee had brought a lunchbox of kimbap and escaped her office for new surroundings of Chaeyeon’s. She would leave as soon as time was up (leaving time for her to drive back to her own office, of course), but for now, they were talking. They had been speaking of nothing in particular when Junghee sprung a rather unwanted point on her.

“You know, you never talk about what happened with Sungmin.” Junghee remarked quietly, hands cradling her cardboard coffee cup.

“I do.” Chaeyeon disagreed. “Of course I do. What’s Sungjae?” She disliked it when Junghee went down this route. She understood that she was only trying to help and that she didn’t like to see her upset, but thinking about it just unsettled her. There was too much to say, and a lot of it resentful. And she knew that that was obvious to her best friend and why she wanted her to talk. It wasn’t healthy, or so Junghee claimed.

“That’s not what I mean, Chae.” There was that knowing look, again. Junghee could always see through her evasive manoeuvres. It was part of why they were such good friends.

Chaeyeon bit her lip. “Junghee, there’s nothing much I can say. And you were angry enough at Sungmin anyway. Isn’t it better if we forget it all and move on?”

Junghee stretched her leg out before folding it over the other one, nodding. “I agree. But you can’t move past it, and it always brings you down. I see it.” She set the coffee cup down on Chaeyeon’s desk. “And one day, Sungjae’s going to see it too, and what will you tell him? Kids can be sensitive about their parents relationship.”

Chaeyeon blinked. “You would try that one on me.” Sighing, she twisted the cap on her drink to give her thinking time. “What is there to say? Yes, I’m pissed at Sungmin all the time, and no, that doesn’t affect my relationship with my son.”

Junghee elbowed her lightly. “That’s not it. That’s not it at all.”

“Then what do you want me to say?” Chaeyeon asked defensively.

“That you never got over Sungmin properly. And don’t deny it. You were really into him, and then the whole baby thing happened and you both refused to follow social convention for some reason, and you just pushed it away. I understand. You had a baby to think about. But it’s been four years, hon. Four years.” She glared, as if to emphasise her point.

“I have never once said any of those things.” Chaeyeon replied mildly. “But if they were true, what would it change?”

“You should go talk it out. If not to me, maybe to a counsellor.” Her tone was earnest, as was her expression. She had long been worried about her best friend, and this was the closest she’d got to getting her to admit things.

“Junghee, I appreciate it, but you know I can’t afford to go see one.” Chaeyeon’s shoulders hunched, as they always did when she admitted her financial inadequacies. She wasn’t a prideful woman, but it was still embarrassing, especially when Junghee tended to be very flush with her money. But she was also generous, a fact that sometimes embarrassed Chaeyeon as well.

“I’d pay.” Junghee said immediately. Chaeyeon looked away, unable to say anything. “It’s just…I hate the fact you don’t even date. I know it’s hard, because people are prejudiced, but there would be guys who’d love you. You’re still gorgeous. And you have an adorable, well-mannered son who would be the perfect addition to any family. I mean, Siwon was all over you!”

Chaeyeon rolled her eyes. “Because me and Siwon dating would go down well with everyone.”

Junghee grinned delightedly. “I said nothing about you dating Siwon. So you like him?” She nudged her excitedly. “Tell me.”

Chaeyeon’s eyes widened. How had she managed to get herself into this corner? Glancing at the clock, she laughed nervously. “Oh, look at that. Time’s up. Well, I guess we’ll have to stop talking now.”

Junghee’s eyes narrowed. “We still have five minutes. And in those five minutes, I expect you to tell me that yes, you do like him, and that you will let me pay for counselling so I can stop worrying.”

Chaeyeon just stared at her blankly. “Who ever said I would agree to anything you said blindly? Like, ever?”

“So you wouldn’t even tell your best friend about a man you had a very nice night with?” She pouted, hoping it would soften her often implacable best friend.

Chaeyeon sighed. “I don’t think I do like him. I’m not really sure.” She groaned. “What does it matter, anyway? Guys don’t want to date girls they’ve had one night stands with. He’s already gotten what he wanted, so what would be the point of carrying it on?” There was nothing to indicate they’d even work as a couple, either. Siwon was gorgeous, rich and fairly intelligent. He could probably have any girl he wanted, and he didn’t need some single mother when he could have someone beautiful. It stood to reason, and nothing anyone said could really change it.

Junghee rolled her eyes. “Admittedly, you did get in there a little too fast.” She shrugged. She wasn’t going to apologise for it. What was done was done, and sleeping with Siwon had no lasting repercussions. She had never been one of those women who felt shame when they had one night stands or that she was doing something bad. It wasn’t in her nature.

“I am aware.” She responded drily.

There was a cough and Junghee winked. “But you said he wanted to keep in contact.”

“Mhm.” Chaeyeon agreed. “He’s always been like that, though. He’s friends with everyone. He probably just thought it was a long time since he’d seen me, and thought we should talk again.”

“People don’t sleep with people they want as friends.” Junghee remarked wryly, shaking her head at her friend’s stubbornness. She knew it was borne from a desire to protect herself, but sometimes it frustrated the hell out of her that Chaeyeon couldn’t see the truth in front of her. But Chaeyeon would probably say very similar things about her, sometimes. “But I’ve got to go now.” She said, tilting her head towards the clock. She bent down to hug Chaeyeon goodbye, clutching her drink in a precarious manner. She left a very mixed up Chaeyeon who wasn’t sure what to think.

***

Today she ended work the normal time, and picked up Sungjae at half-five. It was lucky that the pre-school Sungjae attended had an after-school club for parents who couldn’t pick them up at normal times. She was confronted by the sight of a very giggly and overexcited little boy covered in glitter. She blinked at Ryeowook, looking to him for an explanation as to what had happened to her son.

“We were making collages.” He said brightly. “Sungjae made a wonderful star.”

“…right.” She pressed her lips together, deciding not to comment. “Are you ready to go, honey?” She addressed her son, who had fallen back to his friends and was doing something with them. He nodded. “Okay, well, say bye-bye to Byunghun and Chanhee. And don’t forget to say thank you to seonsang-nim for taking care of you.”

She thanked Ryeowook herself and took Sungjae’s hand, noting with a fond kind of irritation that his hat had somehow become dirty and that his glitter infection had reached his jeans. She would have to get him to change before they ate, but that would be a challenge because he really disliked baths and changing in general.

However, before she dealt with that, she decided to take him to a café they both knew well. They escaped to it frequently because the heating in their apartment was terrible, and as it became colder, they appreciated the heat of the place. It as a short walk away, and as she held Sungjae’s hand, letting him push the door open, the owner winked at him.

She ordered herself a cappuccino and Sungjae a hot chocolate after he gave her his puppy-dog eyes. She knew she really shouldn’t give into them, but they were just so cute. She comforted herself with the thought that all mothers were like this (or at least all loving mothers, right?).

They took a seat next to a familiar face, having spotted him as they came in. Kyuhyun sat in the corner, nursing a latte with huge under-eye circles and a sullen expression. He didn’t look up when they sat down, only greeting Sungjae with a “Hey, munchkin” and Chaeyeon a “Hey MILF.”

“I don’t think Zhou Mi would like to hear you call me that.” She murmured, sipping coffee demurely as Sungjae set about stealing the rest of Kyuhyun’s chocolate cake. She watched him do this proudly.

“Yeah, yeah.” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes.

“So I’m guessing your sister bribed you to come be entertainment.” She said, indicating the microphone that was set up in the corner.

“Yep.” Kyuhyun said shortly. “Zhou Mi kicked me out of the house, because he said I’d been playing video games to long and it wasn’t going to make the entertainment people call quicker.” He scratched the back of his neck, still not noticing that Sungjae was making quick work of his cake.

“How long has it been since the audition?” She asked.

“About a week.” Kyuhyun actually looked sort of bothered, as though he was nervous. He must have really wanted to get in.

Sungjae was still poking at the cake, but she lifted him up so he was on her lap. He was still small enough to fit. As she rested her chin lightly on top of his head, she almost felt a pang of disappointment that he was growing so big. She didn’t want him to stay a little boy forever, but he would no longer be her little baby and it saddened her.

Kyuhyun had finally noticed that half of his cake was gone. “Hey!” He glared at her. “Control your child…I was really looking forward to that cake. Damn you.”

Chaeyeon rolled her eyes. “Don’t be silly Kyu. He’s only a little boy. He can’t help himself.” She gave him a sunny smile. “And besides, your sister owns this place, you can easily get more. We have to pay.” She rolled it like it was dirty word.

Kyuhyun’s lips quirked up in a smirk. “Jealous, noona?” She shrugged, keeping an eye on Sungjae as he unsteadily took a drink of his hot chocolate. It might not have been the best idea to let him have such a big mug, she thought.

“Is Zhou Mi coming?”

Kyuhyun nodded, peering over at the entrance. “He should be coming soon. He told me I had to get out of the house for an hour at least, but he’d be back in time to see me sing.”

She gave a sound of agreement, shooting him a half smile. She had embraced his relationship with Zhou Mi with open arms, even though it had come as a bit of a surprise. When she had first met Kyu he was a womanising vocalist for the band Sungmin had once been a part of. She had no idea what had attracted him to Zhou Mi, but when he had come to her confessing that he thought he really really liked Zhou Mi and it was weird because he was a boy and for the most part he liked girls, she had told him to go with what he wanted most. And that had turned out to be at first a fling with Zhou Mi that managed to turn serious (she was with Junghee on this one; neither of them had ever seen it coming and to this day they were still slightly shocked they kept on going).

Kyuhyun grinned back. “I’m going to get that extra piece of cake…my sister can’t refuse me. She’s not even paying me to sing later.” He grumbled, sliding out of his chair and strolling up to the counter. He took a while choosing, and just when the server looked to be at the end of his patience did he point out what he wanted. The server was just taking them out when the door swept open and a very breathless Zhou Mi flailed in on long skinny legs.

Chaeyeon chuckled when he spotted Kyuhyun, his mouth stretching into a beam. They were a very sweet couple underneath their bickering, very much like Junghee and Jay. As Zhou Mi’s arms threw themselves around Kyuhyun’s waist in an enthusiastic back hug (to which Kyuhyun jumped like a scalded cat but didn’t push him off), she began to wonder if she would ever have that sort of sweetness with a man again. It seemed like she was surrounded by happy couples with no hope of a relationship herself, sometimes.