Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever really loved?

Love - for others it's so easy

But for me, it's like an unerasable tattoo

Brown Eyed Girls - Cleansing Cream

Sighing, she shut the door and thumped down on the sofa. Softly, she groaned, wondering if the headache was because she was slightly hung over or if it was caused by Sungmin. She really had no clue, and it didn’t matter.

She had been foolish. No matter what history she had with Siwon, sleeping with him was not the best idea. It had been fast; a stupid decision made not in the heat of the moment, but because she wanted to do it, and she hadn’t done anything she wanted to in a while. It was embarrassing how long it had been since she had last had . Months, at least. And even longer since she’d had with a man who knew exactly what he was doing. A skilled mouth, clever fingers, moaned just so. Siwon had done all that and more.

Yes, she was feeling decidedly well ed, but still. It was something she shouldn’t have done, and she needed to get rid of the whole ‘I want to do this again’ feeling. There was no point to it.

But it would be so…nice to have a boyfriend, or a guy to play friends-with-benefits. Anything like that, really. She could get herself off in the shower, but that wasn’t half as satisfactory as having with a man who knew what he was doing, and there was always the chance Sungjae would interrupt because he needed something. And she missed the urgent kisses, the feel of someone else’s body next to hers. So she’d rushed into it too fast, but that as because it was Siwon and she knew him and she wanted him.

He held her just right, she thought. Kissed well too.

She shook her head, trying to rid her head of these bothersome, albeit sweet thoughts. He was so different yet so similar to Sungmin, and it felt slightly disturbing. She and Sungmin had always been so physical. Dirty whispers that led to his touch right where she wanted it, and the occasional quickie in a place they knew they could be caught. But they had liked it, liked the danger, the tingling thrill in the pit of the stomach that someone would find them.

Very irresponsible, but she couldn’t deny she enjoyed it.

She wasn’t a different woman, but she couldn’t say she was exactly the same. Responsibility was something she had perhaps needed to learn. And something that maybe, Sungmin still hadn’t quite accepted.

But that wasn’t something she could fix. She needed to focus on the situation at hand right now; the man in her house. She had no idea what she would say, but it had to include something about possibly never telling people how easy she’d been last night. She couldn’t say she hadn’t done it before, but well…being even slightly promiscuous wasn’t exactly desirable for a single woman with no prospects.

He was probably still in the bathroom. Maybe he was avoiding her. Embarrassing, but she couldn’t really blame him. It was kind of difficult to drag herself off the couch and knock on the door of the bathroom. It was pulled tight; when she rapped it – twice with the knuckles – she was afraid he wouldn’t hear.

“Siwon?” She called, her face almost pressed against the painted wooden door. “Um, are you done?” There was no response for a second, but she breathed easier when she heard the shower sputter off.

The door cracked open. “Yes. I’m done.” He gave another Hollywood smile. She decided that it was those damn dimples that were to blame for her poor decision-making last night.

“You can come out, you know.” She didn’t want to apologise to him through a door. That was just silly.

He stepped out into her hallway. She folded her arms across her chest, a protective gesture reminiscent of arguments with Sungmin. He blinked at her expectantly.

“I’m really sorry you had to see that. I’d tell you Sungmin is a and all, but really, it was my fault for even taking you home, and god, I don’t even know how Sungmin found out-”

“Shh.” Siwon cut In, smiling still. “You’re rambling. And really, don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have come in when you were…talking, for want of a better word.” He didn’t mention that half the reason he had come to talk to her were to see what was going on, and if he was totally honest, to aggravate Sungmin. If he told her that he was afraid she might hit him or something.

“Well, not in a towel, no.” The smirk  she gave him was not because it was one up on Sungmin. That was not the truth.

His grin turned bashful. But the dimples stayed so it was still a cute smile. “I can apologise for that?”

She turned around, heading towards the bathroom he had vacated. “Sure.” Winking, she pointed in the direction of the living room. “TV’s there. Watch whatever you want but don’t eat until I’d done.” His nod assured her he understood, and she tried to ignore the guilt of having to force him back into his clothes from last night. She assumed he was going commando. His underwear wasn’t going to be wearable from what she remembered of last night.

She walked into the bathroom before he could see her blush.

She took a shower just the way she liked them: short and burning hot. When she came out, she was bright red, but it made her feel a little more in control. Something she needed after that little altercation. It fortified her. She took her time in the underwear drawer, as if the choice of bra and knickers was hugely important. A t-shirt and jeans would do. She wasn’t trying to dress up. She just wanted to delay for a little while longer.

She found him watching some variety show, staring blankly as some overly hyper men bounced around a department store. Her cough distracted him as she went to sit next to him. It was odd. There was no protocol for one night stands, not really. And if she’d been pressed about it, she would admit this was more than a one night stand as she actually knew the guy.

His fingers grasped hers. It didn’t surprise her that he was still being touchy-feely. Siwon was just like that. “You know,” he began. “It was the weirdest thing, seeing you there last night. You haven’t changed a bit.” She fought back the urge to tell him that sometimes she almost thought she was a completely different person.

“Well, I have.” Her expression was one she got whenever people made comments about before Sungjae. That tight stretching of her lips. “Having a baby kind of does that to you.” She was glad he’d said nothing about the stretch marks. Whatever Junghee said, they were horrible and she would hear nothing else.

“I wouldn’t have known.” He shook his head. Was that a compliment or not? Did she not come across as a good mother? She really shouldn’t always think like that. But he carried on speaking. “I remember hearing about it…” By it, she supposed he meant Sungjae. She felt a flash of protectiveness. He wasn’t an it. He was her little boy. “It was a shock.” His lips quirked.

“It was for me too.” She muttered. She remembered it clearly. Sat in a chair in the doctor’s office, reporting abdominal pain and almost constant nausea. Oh god, the nausea. The doctor’s carefully blank face as he fiddled with the pregnancy test (a routine thing, he’d assured her) and informed her that it was positive. She’d felt stupid. She wasn’t sure how she hadn’t figured it out for herself, especially when they estimated her to be near four and a half months gone. In denial, perhaps?

The doctor had muttered about how some women just didn’t know, and how it was different with all mothers. And from then on, that was what she had been. A mother. It had only been confirmed a few weeks later when she felt the first tiny kick, and realised that her life had completely changed. With the kick, she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening and she’d had to tell Sungmin. Tell him that she was roughly twenty-one weeks pregnant, that it was a boy, and that if he left her alone with it, she would understand, but she would also kill him.

Fond memories indeed.

But back in the present, Siwon’s thumb had somehow started rubbing circles on her palm as he waited for her to come back to earth. “Was it awful?” fell open. Most people didn’t say that. They either acted as if she was a , or clucked in sympathy. With the exception of her friends, no one had really asked what it was like for her.

She swallowed, didn’t look at him. “Yes.” Her chin came up determinedly. “But I know he was worth it.”

Siwon’s own chin turned up as he looked her in the eye and said: “I like you for that.” She sighed. “I was glad when I heard Sungmin hadn’t married you. I know I shouldn’t have been. But like I said, I wanted you.” He shrugged, his hand leaving hers as she stared. Her heart thumped as for a second, just a second, she imagined that he had been there for her as Sungmin had discarded her.

But that was wrong, and she couldn’t have that thought. Abruptly, she stood up, putting distance between them.  “Siwon…you don’t even really know me.”

“Then I’ll get to know you.” He stood up, towering over her. In a good way. He didn’t intimidate her like Sungmin had, although there was always something she had liked about that. “We can at least be friends, right?” She could only nod. “And,” he chuckled, “look at it as a way to annoy Sungmin.”

She bit her lip to hide the laughter. “Do you even have my number?” She doubted he did.

“Heechul sent it to me last night.” His triumphant face was sort of sweet.

“Then I guess there is no escape.” Rolling her eyes, she placed her hands on her hips. “I suppose we’re officially friends. Again.” Held her hand out for him to shake. She liked his grip; firm, strong, a teasing smile. How had it been such an easy transition?

He could obviously sense her unease. “I’ll go. I don’t think you need me around when your son comes home.” The acknowledgement of Sungjae jolted her back to it all. She was grateful for it. “But don’t expect me not to text you, at least.”

“Fine.” It would be kind of nice, anyway. It was enjoyable, all this flirty attention. “I’m glad we came to this…arrangement.” Snickering was childish but she did it anyway.

She led him out, lingering in the doorway as he kissed her cheek goodbye. It was presumptuous, but she got the feeling he would do it to any woman he was close to. At least, that would be what she told herself, and really, it was only on the cheek. Not the lips. Even if that would have also been acceptable.

Really, she needed to stop thinking this way. She had a child, a confrontational ex-boyfriend who was the father of said child, and a thousand other reasons. But the little flutter in her stomach as she had flirted with him, had been absent for so long and she missed it. If she was careful, a friendship couldn’t hurt. She would keep Sungjae out of the equation, and as long as he realised she had responsibilities, it could work out.

As long as she didn’t find herself in bed with him again. Even if there as the desire to do it again, it wasn’t a clever idea by anyone’s standards. She would only end up hurt, and if it got to the stage where she thought he was special and they broke up… No, she had Sungjae to think of.

And besides, she was jumping too far ahead. He didn’t really want her like that. He was just a rich boy who had found someone who answered back and liked it. She had experience with that. Even if Siwon most definitely wasn’t Sungmin.