For the first time

Love is gonna turn around

I'm telling you

You will like it, I know

Sinéad-Within Temptation 

Junghee’s arm was comforting. She was taller than Chaeyeon by a couple of inches, an imposing figure that shielded her from the self-pity she tried to get rid of most of the time. Junghee was her ever-loving and protective best friend and had been since she’d met her at age eighteen.  Her quiet confidence was something Chaeyeon had always envied. As well as her easy relationship with her boyfriend and her more carefree lifestyle. Not to say she resented her, of course. It was just always a reminder of what could have been.

But she loved Junghee and she loved Jay and she knew that Junghee would always be there for her.

Junghee cleared . “So, where’d you want to go? I reserve the right to drag to Heechul’s.” She grinned, childishly. Her whole face lit up, and Chaeyeon wondered absently if her smile was what had attracted her to Jay.

“And why do we have to go to Heechul’s?” Junghee shrugged and Chaeyeon knew the answer with the small smile that began to tug at her lips.

“Because someone’s tour starts there.” Junghee laughed. “Jay said he’d play there first so I could come watch because I can’t come on tour with him this time. Couldn’t get the time off work.” She said wistfully.

“Ah…” Chaeyeon smirked. “I knew you had ulterior motives.”

“Don’t you want to see your favourite bar-owner and your favourite bar-keeper too?” She tried to flutter her eyelashes in an innocent way. She knew it had not worked when Chaeyeon simply responded with a blank face. “I’ll pay for your food?”

Chaeyeon shook her head. “You don’t have to, unnie.”

Junghee shrugged. “You’re my best friend, remember? I will pay and I can. I got my bonus this week.” There was another small smile and a squeeze of her shoulder. “Besides, I kind of need to vent. My mother is being, well, herself again.” It was when Junghee said things like this, Chaeyeon was almost glad that she didn’t see her parents much. It wasn’t that they didn’t love her or that they’d disowned her, it was just they had always disapproved of her having Sungjae out of wedlock. It left a strained, but still mostly functioning relationship, even if she only saw them once or twice a month and usually only then to bring Sungjae to visit so she could have a rest.

“What did she say this time?” Chaeyeon asked, concerned.

“Oh, the usual.” Junghee sighed. “That I need to lose weight again and the fact that I’m not stick thin like my sister is why Jay hasn’t proposed and some passive aggressive insults about my clothes.”

“But you look gorgeous today, unnie.” Chaeyeon told her warmly. She did. Her long sleeved black and white top shimmered in the light and the pretty flouncy black skirt flared at the waist.

Junghee shrugged again. “My mother doesn’t think so.” She crossed her arms across her s self-consciously. It had always been one of her insecurities, because her younger sister (her mother’s favourite) was much thinner and supposedly more attractive. In Chaeyeon’s opinion, she was just more tish than pretty and Junghee was beautiful. She might have been biased, but she hated it when Junghee told her that her mother had been saying things again.

“Well, I don’t think that. And I know Jay doesn’t.” She turned to hug Junghee tightly. “Your mother just doesn’t understand how much what she says upsets you.”

“She doesn’t care.” Junghee said bitterly. “And it’s not even like I want to get married right now. I don’t need to.” She made a soft sound and buried her head in Chaeyeon’s shoulder. “I just hate how unwanted she makes me feel.” The words were muffled, but Chaeyeon could still hear her as her arms wrapped around her friend more strongly.

“You aren’t unwanted. You never have been.” She knew it probably wasn’t healthy to feel better about the whole Sungmin situation by comforting her friend about problems that weren’t hers, but she’d spent so long repressing it, it just seemed normal. She knew that Junghee would do the same for her in a heartbeat. “I couldn’t do anything without you. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to look after Sungjae and I would have gone crazy. So stop feeling like this, unnie. Your mum is just…so insensitive.”

“Shut up.” Junghee snuffled. “You make me sound like Wonder Woman.”

“I thought you wanted to be her?” Chaeyeon snorted. She felt a finger prod her side.

“Shh. That was one time and I really wish I had never told you that fantasy.”

“Did you ever tell Jay?” Chaeyeon snickered. When she looked at Junghee and spotted the blush on her cheeks, the giggles got louder. “Oh, you did! I love you, I really do.”

“Alright, alright. Let’s stop now.” Junghee pulled away, still blushing. “So what are you going to wear?” Chaeyeon bit her lip. She hadn’t been shopping in a while. In the years past, she would have definitely cared about what she wore, but now, chasing after Sungjae got in the way of dressing nicely.

“I don’t know.” She said honestly. Half of the clothes she had in her wardrobe were ones from ages ago, ones she had no need to wear anymore. She sometimes wondered if they’d even fit. It wasn’t as if she dressed awfully now. It was more that she didn’t wear the short skirts and attention-grabbing clothes she loved. She caught too much attention already, with her wedding ring-less finger.

She didn’t have to say anything more because Junghee had already ducked into her bedroom. She heard rustling as she pushed through coat hangers of clothes, and the soft thump as the ones she wanted were tossed on her bed. Chaeyeon walked through, into her own room, to find a pile of clothes she hadn’t worn in ages on her bed.

“You used to love these jeans.” Junghee stated quietly, throwing a pair of red and black jeans at her. The colours were dark, muted, the red and black merging together. She had loved them. “Look, honey. Just because you have to play the good little mommy, it doesn’t mean you can’t wear the things you like. When’s the last time you wore anything that wasn’t a blouse to work?” Junghee shook her head.

“I know.” Chaeyeon sighed. “I just…I really hate how people judge me because I didn’t give Sungjae up for adoption, and I’d really rather not attract any more attention. Sungjae doesn’t need people calling his mother more of a than they already do.”

“Well, screw that for tonight.” Junghee held up a cropped leather jacket. “I like this,” she said in a tone that brooked no refusal. Chaeyeon froze inside.

“But-”

“No. You will wear it, and I don’t want to hear anything out of you.” Chaeyeon couldn’t say anything. She didn’t want to wear it, not because she didn’t like it, but because it was a reminder. A reminder of Sungmin and his better periods. He had bought it for her, held it against her while shopping and kissed her outside the changing room when she went to try it on.

She didn’t want to wear it. She didn’t want to think about Sungmin in that way, not when he was lost to her.

“I can’t,” she tried feebly. “I can’t wear that. Have you seen my stomach?”

“Well, not that I tend to look there, but yes. And there is nothing wrong with it. If you start going on about stretch marks and stuff, can I just point out that I have them too?” When she got no answer, she gave a self-satisfied hmph. “And you can wear a top underneath, if you are going to yell at me about it.”

And that was how she was bullied into wearing something she hadn’t worn in ages, as well as a pair of lacy platforms. Junghee then proceeded to add more makeup to her face than she had worn in ages, and only when her hair had been brushed and sprayed liberally with hairspray did she stop. She had no idea why Junghee had gone to so much trouble.

“There.” Junghee nodded. “I am done. Now go look in the mirror.” She pushed her gently to the wardrobe’s mirrored door. “And I mean look.” She said from behind her shoulder. “See how good you still look.”

So Chaeyeon did as her unnie said and looked. What she saw didn’t surprise her-she could recognise herself still. What was different, however, was how much more like herself she looked. It wasn’t as if she’d changed in the last few years. Her face was still the same and so was her body, mostly. But she had lost something, and somehow, in an hour or so, Junghee had given it back. She looked twenty-five. She didn’t look like the stressed and under-confident woman she was usually.

“I see.” It was quiet, but Junghee still heard.

“You’re hot, honey. So you are going to go out and you are going to forget about Sungmin and everything for a little while. You don’t know how long I have been trying to get you to go out and be yourself. It took forever to convince Sungmin to look after Sungjae…”

Chaeyeon’s eyebrows drew together as she stared at her friend. “Did you-are you the reason he took him for the night?” She felt her stomach drop. She should have known Sungmin would never do it on his own. No, he’d omit the truth and make it seem like he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart.  It hurt more than it should. It almost made her want to charge around to his house and yell at him, ask him…she didn’t even know. She just wanted to scream at him and ask him why it was always like this, why he always led her in this chase. Why he could never just let her live in peace. She wanted to know if he did this to spite her. It felt like he did, even if that was a selfish and stupid feeling.

Junghee looked discomfited. “I called him when you said he wasn’t coming last night. I was angry, okay? I just…I really hate how he got away with everything, and even if you never say anything, I know how messed up he makes you feel.” She took a deep breath. “And I hate seeing how upset Sungjae gets when his dad forgets him. So I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and make this happen.”

Chaeyeon sat down on the edge of the bed. “How on earth did you convince him?” She gripped her hands together, trying not to feel angry at anyone.

“It wasn’t that hard.” Junghee said softly. “He was always slightly scared of me anyway and really, I think he wanted to have Sungjae for a night.” When Chaeyeon scoffed, she bit her lip. “I’m telling the truth. I know you never believe it, but he genuinely loves Sungjae, he is just at showing it. And he cares about you.”

“He does not.” Chaeyeon ground out in as emotionless a voice as she could. If only it were true.

“If he didn’t, he would have completely ignored you, and you know it.” Junghee stood in the doorway. “Coming?”

She tried not to think about that sentence as they ate. Junghee was distracting her with what her mother had told her and how guys on the table across from theirs were looking. To her secret pleasure, when she looked up, they were looking. It was almost reaffirming. She was still…someone who mattered. She wasn’t just a carer for her ex-boyfriend’s child.

But she did miss Sungjae. It was weird to be without him, and when it reached seven, she called Sungmin to chat with her son before he went to bed. When Sungmin answered, she had to bite her tongue to keep the angry words at bay. It hurt to think that he had had to be yelled at by her best friend to do this one thing for their son.

She knew he sensed her anger. And she knew he was curious about it. She promised that she would deal with it, deal with everything about this horribly confusing man soon. Just not tonight. She sent Sungjae off with more kisses over the phone than he could deal with and the assurance that mummy would be there tomorrow. It broke her heart to hear his worried little voice, but she knew that he was safe and that she would see him soon.

Junghee paid for their food, and soon they were back in Junghee’s car, and pulling into the carpark of Heechul’s bright and extravagant bar/club/concert venue. He’d never specified what kind of place it was, and really, it worked as all three. Blinding signs emblazoned the sides of the veneue and band posters littered the door.

Instead of waiting in line like all of the other patrons, Junghee simply grinned at the bouncer, and they were let in through the deep red corridor. The place was packed, the stage lit up with a four-piece girl band (Chaeyeon could have sworn she heard Junghee accuse Heechul of hiring them only because he wanted to them under her breath). The crowd was loud, noisy and heaving, but thankfully a few metres away from the bar area.

Chaeyeon recognised the bartender. She knew him well, and if his delighted smile was anything to go by, he was just as happy to see her here as she was to see him.

“You came!” Zhou Mi crowed. “You’re actually here!” Chaeyeon wasn’t sure if she should be insulted by his obvious shock at seeing her here (had it really been so long?), but he sounded happy enough, so she let it go.

So, instead, she allowed the big smile to grace her face and just enjoy being there. “I am here and baby-free for an entire night.” Seeing Zhou Mi’s worried look, she explained, “Sungmin has him for the night,” the carefree expression returning to his face.

“Well, that’s wonderful.” His smirk turned a little naughty as he handed Junghee her drink (there was no need to ask what she wanted to drink). “So are you allowed to go a little wild tonight? Only, there’s some very attractive guys around tonight.” He winked.

“I…don’t know.” Chaeyeon laughed uncertainly.

Junghee slammed her beer down. “Yes you are!” She narrowed her eyes at the tall bartender. “Mimi, get her drinking while I go find my boyfriend.” She huffed. “Chaeyeon, darling, we’re here to have fun. So you better ing flirt, or I am telling Jungmo to seduce you. Again.” Her expression was scarily blank and Chaeyeon had the sinking realisation that her best friend would have no qualms about telling her boyfriend’s very attractive bandmate to seduce her. It was also awkward to know she wouldn’t say no to Jungmo either.

“Unnie!” She groaned. “Don’t you dare!”

“Then stop moping about Sungmin for one night and flirt with all the y men around you. Mimi can tell you who’s straight and who’s not, so what’s stopping you?” Chaeyeon only glared, but Junghee was already gone.

Zhou Mi returned after handing out the last order he had received. He coughed. “So what can I get you? You know it’s on the house. Heechul’s orders.”

Chaeyeon slumped onto a bar stool, crossing her arms like a sulky teenager. She felt like she was being treated like one. “I don’t care.” She said mutinously. “Unnie is mean.”

Zhou Mi ignored her, much as Junghee had, and returned after a couple of minutes with something that was a rather interesting shade of pink and smelt sweet. He shook it in front of her. “Come on.” He crooned. “Just try it. It’s really nice…you know you’ll like it. It’ll make your orders easier, anyway.” He shook it once more before she snatched it off him and took a sip.

“Happy now?” She asked as she swallowed it quickly. Begrudgingly, she admitted that it did taste nice. However, the bitter taste of resentment did not disappear, so she felt she was still allowed to be grumpy.

“Overwhelmingly so.” Zhou Mi told her, rolling his eyes. “So,” he started, leaning his arms on the bar. “How come Sungmin actually did his job for once?” Zhou Mi had always been more on her side than Sungmin’s. Junghee, while her best friend and always ready to take care of her, had been friends with both of them, and so tried to be diplomatic at all times. Zhou Mi had none of those restrictions. He hadn’t known Sungmin well when he had started dating Kyuhyun, Sungmin’s ex-bandmate, and also, ex-best friend.

Chaeyeon took another sip of her drink coolly. “Junghee called him, apparently.” It wasn’t that Zhou Mi didn’t like Sungmin. It was more the fact that he did like Chaeyeon and didn’t like how he had left the situation with Sungjae. And then there was the fact that he hadn’t been able to handle his best friend, Kyuhyun, sleeping with a man. Zhou Mi found that hurtful.

Zhou Mi chuckled. “She would. She’s not afraid to interfere with you two.”

Chaeyeon nodded, looking down. “So where’s Kyuhyun?” She abruptly changed the conversation, not wanting to go further into this topic. It was treading dangerous and unsettled waters, all this talk of Sungmin.

“Oh, he’s at home.” Zhou Mi said breezily. “I banned him from drinking for tonight.”

Chaeyeon raised an eyebrow. “But why?” Kyuhyun would resent that, she knew.

“He has a vocal audition with someone  tomorrow that he only just told me about, and seeing as I now haven’t had a chance to prepare him for it weeks ahead, I basically locked him in the house and told him not to do anything that could endanger his voice.” Zhou Mi shrugged. “If they like him, the company could take him on. He’s not too old, not yet, anyway.”

Chaeyeon choked on her drink. “Well, this is amazing. But I seriously don’t think he’s going to listen. You know he’ll break out somehow and spend the entire night annoying you because he’s evil.”

“Oh, he won’t.” Zhou Mi’s eyes glittered. “I told him I’d let Ni Qiu piss on his laptop if he did.”

Before she had a chance to respond to that startling revelation, Junghee reappeared, informing the both of them that Jay and the rest were on in a few minutes. The pink thing finished, Chaeyeon blinked at the empty glass stupidly for a second before it was whipped out of her line of sight and replaced with a fresh one and Zhou Mi’s wide grin.

“Come on.” Junghee urged. “We have to get to the front to cheer.”

“But why?” Chaeyeon mumbled. “You see the lead singer every day. You have with him, for crying out loud.” Junghee didn’t appear to care as she dragged her younger friend as close to the front as she could get.

Junghee stopped when she was as near to the barrier as she could be before getting squished in the mass of people. Chaeyeon knew they’d be at the very front as soon as Junghee’s eagle eyes spotted an opening. “It’s not about that.” Junghee insisted. “It’s about being supportive. I have to be there to cheer him on for his first concert of the tour.”

“Uh…huh.” Chaeyeon blinked at her over the top of the drink she had managed not to spill while being pulled from her bar stool. “You know, I was having a nice conversation with Zhou Mi before you abused me.” She poked her tongue out childishly.

Junghee snorted. “It’s not like you can’t visit him tomorrow or something. “

“That’s not the point.” Chaeyeon grumbled, knowing she was only carrying it on to be stubborn. The crowd’s excitement was pulsing through her too, and she knew she would enjoy the performance. Jay was a good singer and the rest of them good players. It made her happy to see one of her best friends so successful as fans cheered loudly.

“Oh, shh.” Junghee giggled, before seeing a couple of girls push their way out through the packed crowd for the toilet. “Space!” She yelled, her grip on Chaeyeon’s wrist strangely painful as she flung them both forward and into the barrier.

“Oh god,” was all Chaeyeon could say, as her drink split this time, thankfully away from her clothes. “Junghee, really, did you have to do-” She looked up, and into the face of a very, very handsome man. One she recognised. And one she had just spilt her drink all over. “Siwon, is that you?”