Tell me now where did our love go

tell me now i've the right to know

tell me now how could you stand the way you're hurting me so oh

tell me if you ever change your mind

tell me if you wanna make it right

Am i the only one hurt tonight?

2NE1 - It Hurts

She supposed that she was nervous because she hadn’t been out in ages-weeks, months, perhaps?-but she knew that it was a lie. The reason her heart was beating so fast was not because Sungjae was bouncing up and down. As soon as she had said that Sungmin was going to take him for the night, he’d been in such a hyper mood, she hadn’t the heart to tell him she wouldn’t be there to tuck him in tonight.

No, her heart was not beating fast because she was excited to have a rest for once. It was beating so stupidly fast because she never knew what to feel around Sungmin. It wasn’t a clean cut relationship. They weren’t married, they weren’t lovers. They weren’t even friends anymore. It was different, to say the least. She had never thought it would be so awkward.

They hadn’t been awkward. She used to be able to call him a boyfriend and watch him laugh in response. He’d been relaxed, uncaring. She’d find him strumming away at his guitar, completely ignoring his phone and the people around him (deliberately-Sungmin had never been one of those people who claimed to get lost in the music). He’d always looked so handsome with his guitar.

It was why she had been attracted to him. Her friends had always joked she liked the mysterious guitar players in the bands that they followed, but in this instance, it had felt a little more than that. The band he had played for had been popular in the town they had lived in, and no one had suspected that he was so rich. It was his escape; he left the stifling confines of his parents expectations for the simpler ones of the people who just wanted him to play well. Of course, he had completely trashed whatever progress he had made with his parents when she’d become pregnant.

Part of the reason they had split up was so that he could patch it up with his parents, she knew. Neither of them had wanted a baby, not right at the end of university and not when they had a bright future ahead of them. However, it had happened, and Chaeyeon had always felt that Sungjae was worth it. He was her impish little troublemaker, and had been ever since he could move around.

Sungmin was more than an ex, but she had never quite come to terms with who he actually was to her. There had never been time to examine her own feelings or to wonder what he felt. Her heart might have broken, but she wasn’t sure. Four years was a long time. All that truly linked them was their son, half of each of them.

Sungjae had always looked far too much like his father for there to ever be true detachment, she thought, a little bitterly. She was never bitter about Sungjae; or at least, she tried to keep him out of it, but she was bitter about how things had worked out. Sungmin had dated a lot more than she had over the past few years. It wasn’t fair. He had none of the stigma of being the single parent, and none of the physical scars having a child gave you.

There was a knock on the door. When she opened it, Sungmin stood face to face with her. He was taller than she was, but not by much. Looking at him, it was always clear why she had liked him. The fox-like eyes had always held a hint of mischief, something that Sungjae had inherited, and his hair was always casually messy. He wasn’t in a suit, she noticed. Instead, he wore a white t-shirt underneath his black jacket, over a pair of plain blue jeans. His toned body was obvious, and she felt an irrational surge of jealousy that he could still look so gorgeous, while she had to contend with stretch marks and massively dented self-confidence.

She’d always had confidence in how she had come across, before.

Sungmin smiled easily at her, arms crossing as he leant in the doorway. “Ready, Sungjae?” He asked casually. Sungjae nodded eagerly, the idea of spending an entire night with his father spurring him on.

Chaeyeon attempted a laugh, trying not to think about the way Sungmin’s arms bulged in that jacket. It was not fair, not at all. “He has his pyjamas and everything in his bag. I packed his inhaler-if he has any trouble breathing, it’s a couple of puffs, and if he really, really can’t breathe, take him to the hospital.” Sungmin nodded as Sungjae left his mother to come and cling onto his father. He ruffled his son’s hair absentmindedly. “He should have everything...call me if I’ve forgotten something.” She bit her lip, looking down as she ran through the list in her head. Sungmin watched her curiously. She hadn’t changed much. If he was honest, she had only gotten more good-looking with age.

“I know.” He said. “I’ll drop him off at his school tomorrow. He goes in at nine, right?” He straightened up, taking Sungjae’s hand as he stared up at his mother.

“Yes. Leave his bag with the teacher.” She smiled at Sungjae. “I guess that’s it.” She held her arms out for a hug, feeling a little put out when he didn’t come over. She wasn’t used to her baby not wanting her.

“Mummy, why aren’t you coming?” He had a puzzled little expression. “Come with us.”

Chaeyeon spoke before Sungmin could. She gave him a warning look. She would be the one to explain. She had that right. “Because it’s time just for you and daddy. Daddy doesn’t need mummy around.” God knows who she might meet in his house. She didn’t need to see any of his new girlfriends.

Sungmin cleared his throat. “Your mother is welcome to come if she wants to, though.” He raised an eyebrow, and she threw him a dirty look. He knew full well that he didn’t want her around.

“It’s okay.” She forced the words out in a civil tone. “Junghee has promised to drag me out.” She opened her arms again. “So aren’t you going to hug me goodbye?” She asked Sungjae. He blinked, before coming forward and cuddling close. She breathed in his familiar smell, the kid shampoo filling her nostrils. “I love you, okay? Have a good time with daddy and remember to go to sleep at a reasonable time!” She looked up at Sungmin. “His bedtime is seven. Remember that.” He held her gaze, dipping his head in acknowledgement. She had no doubt he would extend it a little for tonight, but she’d let it slide just this once.

“Bye, mummy. Love you.” Sungjae mumbled, trying to slide out of her arms. She held him tighter for a second longer before releasing him to his father.

“Bye, baby.” How ironic that it was the same words she used to say to Sungmin. With a completely different sort of meaning.

She handed Sungmin the bag wordlessly. She didn’t need to tell him what she’d do to him if their baby ended up sick in any way. Sungmin knew it already, and he would do his best, she knew. But sometimes she wondered if his best was because he cared, or because he had to. Maybe it was best if she didn’t know.

Sungmin his lips a little nervously. “So I guess he’ll be back tomorrow. I hope you have a good night out, Chae.” That name again.

“I’m sure I will.” She folded her arms, as if she was cold. Swallowing, she said goodbye, watching as they left, Sungjae’s small form a near-perfect replica of his fathers. She could hear him chattering about his day and his friends, while Sungmin laughed along. It was almost cute. She didn’t want to turn away from it, yet she knew she had to. This was their time, and not hers. Sungmin was not hers anymore.

When they were out of sight, she shut the door to her flat. She had come home early today, and now it was only half four. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Sungjae took up most of her time, and yet now he was gone. It almost felt too quiet.

She slumped onto their worn sofa and the TV. She had an hour and a half until Junghee showed up, and hopefully something would be on. Maybe a good music show would be on, or something.

Ten minutes later, and she knew it wasn’t working. She couldn’t concentrate on the TV. Not only was it too quiet without Sungjae insistently asking her to explain something, but she couldn’t get rid of the feeling of inadequacy speaking with Sungmin always made her feel. She never felt good enough when he came, with his sly smile and his knowing eyes. She could act nonchalant, but there was always that feeling bubbling underneath. And she knew as soon as Junghee appeared, the feeling would be pushed away and she could forget it. But she could never get rid of it.

She knew she needed this night off. Just to go out someplace nice to eat with her best friend would be enough. Sometimes, in taking care of Sungjae, she lost time to be herself. She needed that time, because she needed to be herself; she needed to be Chaeyeon instead of Mama. But it wasn’t enough to make her feel y or girly. She wasn’t able to act like the twenty-five year old she was.

She sighed heavily. There wasn’t anything she wanted to do, and it was frustrating. In a little over an hour, she would be getting ready to go out, but now she had time to fill and there was nothing she could think of to do. She turned back to the TV, switching to the news as she pulled her knees up and shifted so she was snuggled against the side of the sofa. The newsreader was talking about some important business deal, and for a moment, she hazily wondered if it was Sungmin’s family.

Not that it mattered to her. It wasn’t like she was part of the family. That was a thought, though. Was Sungjae Sungmin’s heir? That was a lot for her little munchkin to live up to. She would have to ask Sungmin about that. Seeing as Sungjae was illegitimate, it probably wasn’t a worry, but you never knew with these things. She looked up at the ceiling, thinking. If Sungmin got married, it would make relations between them even tenser. And if, heaven forbid, she found a man willing to marry her, that would make things even worse.

Shaking her head, she tried to get rid of the thoughts. There was no point thinking about it now. She focused on the screen again, getting caught up in the new story about some idol with a secret wife. Her friend Hyejin would be disappointed. She was infatuated by the singer. She was half surprised she hadn’t had a distraught text from her yet.

The newsreader continued to report more depressing things as she laid her head back against the wall, only half listening. The voice was soothing, though, and she thought she might have a nap. Her eyes closed, and the remote slipped from her fingers as she shifted to be more comfortable.

It seemed like she’d been asleep for only a second when a sharp rap on the door awoke her. She sat up, disorientated and fuzzy as whoever it was continued their rapping of the door. Sliding off of the sofa, she stumbled to the door, blinking rapidly and combing her fingers through her hair. Junghee waited at the door as she pulled it open, still rubbing her eyes.

“Did I wake you? Sorry…” Junghee asked apologetically. She brought her hand up to push her fringe from her eyes, her long, dyed reddish purple hair tied back in a high ponytail.

Chaeyeon waved it off, bringing her palm to cover as she yawned. “It was only a nap.” She stood aside. “Come in, come in. Sungmin took Sungjae an hour ago.”

“Ah, he did?” Chaeyeon nodded. “Good. Means we can  go get food. I am starving.” Junghee grimaced, moving her shoulders.

“Me too.” Chaeyeon muttered. “It’s my night off.”

“So we’ll eat out.” Junghee grinned, her arm coming to rest on her younger friend’s shoulder. And just like that, Chaeyeon knew her night would be good, because her friend was smiling, and the feeling was receding. She would be okay. As always.