The day you went away
You had to screw me over
I guess you didn't know
all the stuff you left me with
is way too much to handle
But I guess you don't care

Saturnine-The Gathering

“Sungmin, what the ?!” Chaeyeon hissed into the phone, trying desperately not to wake her sleeping son. “You promised, you said you’d take him to see that damn film! You ing promised! It’s his fourth birthday, you couldn’t have had the decency to-” She caught her breath as Sungmin replied, his words rushed, pleading.

“Just-” She sighed. “No, I don’t want to hear excuses. Just be here tomorrow.” She sighed once more, ending the call and dropping her phone on the table next to her small son’s bed. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, trying to fight back the stupid tears that were threatening.

She wasn’t even sure what she was crying about anymore. Was it for Sungjae, or was it for the fact that Sungmin was such a ? Sometimes she wondered just why she had been with him, why she had been so convinced she had loved him. Not that it had lasted…but there had to have been something. Yet now, she mostly just wanted to throw things at him.

Why promise to be in Sungjae’s life if he was going to back out all the bloody time? The money wasn’t the issue-admittedly, she needed it, but that wasn’t the problem-it was his complete lack of understanding as to how she felt. It stung, having to tell Sungjae that once again, daddy wouldn’t be coming on time. Oh, Sungmin always rescheduled, but that didn’t make it feel any better. It always seemed like he was acting more out of duty than he was love.

But they’d been too young for that. Too young for a baby. That, she understood. If she was honest, it had never been like she was thrilled to be a mother at twenty-one, and most definitely not an unmarried one. That was never the plan. However, unplanned events happened and you up and dealt with it. She’d decided against abortion (which might have had something to do with how late she found out about her pregnancy), so there wasn’t really another option. Apart from adoption. She’d decided against that when Sungjae was born, though. He was hers, and that she knew above everything.

Even if she’d had to give up a lot of dreams for him, was near broke most of the time, and had yet to have another relationship that failed when they realised that hey, she did actually want to be a responsible parent. Those were the things she tried not to focus on. She didn’t resent him for those things, no, she resented the situation. She might get angry with Sungmin, but really, it was both of their mistakes, and in her heart of hearts, she didn’t-couldn’t-regret it.

She shook her head silently, one hand moving to cup her son’s head as he slept, fingers weaving through his thatch of black hair. Perhaps she should just be happy that he hadn’t thrown a fit when Sungmin had texted (texted-of course, he didn’t have the time to call about it until Sungjae was asleep) that he couldn’t come today.  That might have been as he had been distracted by the new kitchen playset that his Aunt Junghee and Uncle Jay had brought, though. She wondered if her son was going to become a chef, because he was obsessed with anything to do with the kitchen. Kim seonsang-nim had said he was very interested in all of that at his nursery too.

He was still asleep. He hopefully wouldn’t wake until the morning, and then she could tell him daddy was coming tomorrow. Breathing slowly, quietly, so as not to wake him up, she stood up, pulling the Buzz Lightyear duvet straight and flicking the light off. She stood in the doorway, the starry nightlight illuminating his small face.

Sometimes he looked so much like a miniature version of Sungmin.

Sighing, she left his room, leaving the door ajar in case he woke up and wanted her. The TV blared on about some idol she didn’t care about right now as she walked into the living room and stared blindly at it, wrapping her arms around her torso. Was she tired? Or was she just upset?

Her phone rang, pushing her out of the blank state. She muttered “Hello,” surprised to hear a familiar voice.

“I’m guessing Sungmin-sshi was a complete no-show, then?” Junghee was sympathetic, her call a reprieve from the suppressed anger.

“Unnie, I-I,” she swallowed. “Why does he always do this?” She heard Junghee closing the door as she left one room for one that obviously had more privacy.

“I don’t know, honey. He’s just…oblivious. He does care, you know he does.” Her soothing voice urged her to think the best of her ex, but quite honestly, she just couldn’t anymore.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.  He just never seems to see what he’s doing.” Her hand went up to sweep her fringe out of her face as she continued. “It feels like the Sungmin I knew from back in the day isn’t the same one as today.” She gave a bitter laugh. “Not that I’m the same. But he was sweeter then. And now all he ing cares about is making CEO or whatever the hell it is.” She heard Junghee sigh.

“You know that’s not all he cares about. He cares about you both.”

“No he doesn’t. Who cares about the ex they knocked up? It’s not like I was much of a catch.” Junghee made a noise as if to interrupt, but Chaeyeon stopped her. “No, I don’t mind that. I mind the fact that he promised to do his bit by Sungjae and the most he does is give me money. And we all know that’s so I don’t splash the news that Lee Sungmin has a son all over the tabloids.”

Junghee scoffed. “That’s a load of bull. He pays you so your son has everything he needs. Do not tell me it’s blackmail, because even I won’t believe that. I love you, but really, don’t let him piss you off so much you believe that.”

Chaeyeon laughed, her best friend’s words not really funny, yet still…uplifting. “Can’t I be angry?”

“Yes.” The answer came promptly. “But I thought you said that you didn’t want to influence Sungjae’s relationship with his father with negativity?”

“I did say that, didn’t I?” Chaeyeon chuckled softly.

“Yep. And it was the right thing to say. No matter what you get for having a baby without being married, you’re still a good mum, Chae-ah.” Junghee was soft, insistent and no-nonsense, the older sister she’d never had and always wanted.

“And you would know, being all of two years older than me.” Chaeyeon didn’t want to cry, but she could feel becoming thick. It . It really, really , and she wanted someone to tell her they understood, and that it would all be okay. She wanted someone to tell her she wasn’t unwanted and a bad person.

But there wasn’t such a person, and waiting for them wasn’t an option.

“I do know it, though. So you better listen to me before I come running over to force you to.” Junghee threatened, her tone joking. “Well, I would, but I promised I’d stay home with Jay for a certain reason as someone will be leaving me on my own for a week.”

“Ah. Then I think you should go back to him, shouldn’t you, unnie.” There was a smile in Chaeyeon’s voice this time, and Junghee knew she’d done something right. She worried for her friend. She knew Chaeyeon could cope, but she also knew there had been way more than she had said about her break up with Sungmin, things she still wouldn’t say now.

She couldn’t talk longer, though, as Jay’s hands sneaked around her waist and she knew there would be no more talking for a while. “I suppose I should…I’ll see you tomorrow, hon. Don’t you dare mope! Love you-bye!”

Chaeyeon heard a rushed goodbye and a muffled giggle as her best friend was attacked by her boyfriend, the call cutting off. Her smile remained, but she still felt…empty. It still hurt, and she was still alone in her apartment. It was nine o’clock, and yet, she had nothing and no one to do it with. Her youth had been cut short by one small slip that had led to a huge change.

She shivered, the creepy feeling some described as someone walking over your grave crawling over her. Most days she questioned if she’d ever find someone else. There weren’t many options, really. Most guys didn’t want single mothers, not disgraced ones like her.  She was ridiculously lonely, sometimes. It was idiotic, because she had so many people in her life, and it didn’t make sense. But that wasn’t the kind of company she wanted. The kind of company that loved you just for you, but not family. Just someone who loved you with their whole heart.

Sungmin had so much to answer for.