CHAPTER 6: Help

I really looked like an idiot.

I was lying on my bed while my left hand holding a tissue to stop my nosebleed and my right hand touching my chest to feel my heart beat. It was indeed beating so fast like a drum in a rock concert. And it was still like that in a whole night.

That was why I came to school with a zombie look.

At the end of the school, I went to Brian’s house to have a consultation. He has become my private secret doctor-friend these times. Even though most of the times he has no help, but I needed someone to talk to about this problem.

“Woah.. this is getting serious...” Brian responded to the story I told.

“What should I do, Young ah? I’m scared to myself...” I said it desperately.

“Well, you should seeing a doctor, Hyung.. Maybe there’s something really wrong with your mentality.. ” He blurted out.

“DO YOU THINK I’M CRAZY???” I responded him with a yelling.

“Not that you’re crazy, but ... yeah.. who knows.. maybe...” Brian stuttered.

“Damn you Kang Younghyun..” I smirked at him.

“But seriously Hyung.. I’m not a professional in psychology, so if you only consult with me, it won’t solve anything..” Brian was being logic.

That’s you know..

“But I’m scared...” that was all I could say.

“Scared of what?” Brian asked back.

“The doctor’s answer of my question.. The doctor’s explanation of what I felt.. I’m just really scaaaareeed.”

Brian looked at me and sighed. “You indeed need a help, Hyung.. You looked really sick.”

Yeah, I’m sick.

Day by day, I hate myself more and more, because my feeling kept growing. After that night, noona became so good to me and took care of me well. Even sometimes, she was still teasing me, but she always ended it with smile, and it was the last thing I wanted her to do. The portrait of me having a feeling to noona was just so rude, it was prohibited, and it was a sin! I felt so disgusted to myself, into the level I have thought about ending my life, so my feeling will be end too. But I knew it was not a right thing to do. So, I got a contradiction feeling in my body. And I felt so tired. And I felt so done.

Knock.knock.

I heard that knocking sound from my door and soon it was followed by the sound of the opening door.

“Hyung, let’s play basketball..”

Sungjin has saved me from my self-destruction.

We went to play basketball, one on one. He played good as usual, but I played half-heartedly. My body was not ready to do sport, I even doubted it was strong enough to support my body. Until Sungjin noticed.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Sungjin walked closer to me after making a perfect shoot to the basketball ring.

“I’m okay..” I answered it softly.

“Yaaa Hyung, you looked really sick.. “ Sungjin insisted.

“But.. I’m.. fine...” I lied.

He then put his palm on my forehead and said, “But yeah, you don’t have fever.. Hyung, what’s wrong with you actually? You’ve been acting weird lately..”

“Nado meolla...” I answered softly while sitting on the ground.

“Is something happened?” He asked while sitting next to me.

I heaved a heavy sigh. “Nothing...” I wonder where I still can get energy to lie.

“Stop lying, Hyung.. You’re my brother.. You can share everything with me..”

Not this problem, dude.

“I know you and Brian was hiding something..”

I shook my head signing a No.

“Actually I have observing you these past days, Hyung.. And I already have a deduction.. But I don’t know if it’s right or wrong.. Well, I hope I’m wrong..” Sungjin said it while looking at the ground, seriously.

“Don’t play detective, Jinnie.. There is no perpetrator or victim in this case. .” I said it soulless.

“But I’m concerned about you, Hyung.. “ He said it firmly while looking at me.

But I didn’t respond anything, until he sighed and said, “Well, you know where to find me when you ready to share it with me..”

Then he got up and said, “Don’t be scared to take some help when you really need help, Hyung..”

Somehow his words can make me to look at him in the eye.

Well, that’s true..

I was nearly in tears when realizing the meaning behind his words, but fortunately he walked forward and said,  “Let’s go get some drink, Hyung..”

Sungjin was right, I needed a help, and I shouldn’t be scared to take that help.

But that help was not from Sungjin.

I finally decided to see a doctor, a psychiatrist.

I have made an appointment with the doctor to come to her clinic at Saturday morning. I was getting ready, wearing my shirt, when Sungjin barged in to my room.

“Hyung...” He called my name while opening th