I keep thinking of your cute appearance, I'm the person that is captivated, I'm worrying about you even within my spirit

It's like being drunk, I'm even forgetting to breathe

If this is love, I'm willing to go far away with you

After that night at the park, a even closer, deeper bond developed between us and soon my mind is consumed by you-your deer eyes, your button nose, your fluffy hair, your smiling lips and the sound of your laughter ringing through my head like the gentle twinkling of wind chimes. Even when you're not around, I still feel your presence in my soul which longs only for you, but whenever you're near, I'm blind and oblivious to everything but you to the point that my body forgets to breathe. I know this isn't healthy, but I think I know that this is what love feels like. If this is love, I will always be by your side, no matter where you go. 

Tears shining, I really don't have the heart to watch you being hurt

Be it a second or it'd be nice if it's to eternity, I'm certain of my direction

The world came crashing down too soon. After the release of our second album which was met with overwhelming success, the cracks appeared in your smiling facade as you were crushed under the burden of an idol's life. In fact, all 12 of us were, but it impacted our Chinese members, Tao, Lay, Kris and you the most, being far from home and family. Although we tried desperately to fill that gap in your hearts, there is nothing that will replace the joy of being home, in your motherland or in the arms of loved ones. The stress and work of touring was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I first noticed that you would stay back at the studio or practice rooms after the rest of us filed out, too tired from practicing the choreography for our third album to even care about our own troubles let alone yours. One night, I waited outside for you for 15 minutes, before I was forced back inside seeking to return the warmth to my body that the scathing wind had stolen. 

I stopped midway in the halls. And listened. I listened to the sobs, resonating through the bleak walls, each one more heart-wrenching than the last. I listened to the coughs and hiccups that occasionally interrupted the wails of sorrow. I listened to you pouring your heart out. And all I could do was stand there and listen. A single drop of grief welled up at the corner of my own eyes, threatening to spill and as I remember that pledge I made that night- to always make you smile and ensure your happiness, I realized that I had failed.....miserably. 

* So baby don't go

Yeah, take me to a place which will have you, where we'll be together for eternity

Oh we will fly to the center of the world together

You are just in my eyes, you can't fly away from anywhere

Oh it's like the you I have once dreamed, you are that beautiful butterfly in my life*

When Kris, our beloved galaxy guy left immediately after the release if the third album, it was like a slap in the face. I was woken from my dream and brought back to this cruel reality where I knew that you were also, one day, going to leave. But I wouldn't hold it against you if you chose to pull out, because being in EXO caused you so much pain, yet you deserve so much more than sorrow and grief. I wanted to see that radiant smile and soulful eyes again. I wanted to hear your carefree laughter. But none of that was possible as long as you stayed in Korean entertainment, a world in which glitter and gold concealed the ugly truth behind the stage.

Selfishly, I found myself occasionally wishing that you won't go, because I wouldn't know what to do with myself after you leave. Will there be an empty space in my heart? Will I even want to be in EXO after you leave? Or will I follow you in my desperation? 

I mentally slapped myself for that last thought. How in the world would I be able to follow you. First of all, I don't belong in China and I can't just abandon all my family and friends here in Korea. What will I even do if I drop out of EXO, the dream that I have fought for all my life? Also, I am pretty certain that you don't feel the same way for me that I do about you. 

But then again, how will I cope without you? Being the two elsest of the group, we've always shared a connection and understanding that no other members have. 

Lately, you haven't been sleeping. Some nights, I wake up to see your doe eyes and your hands on my shoulder as you gently shook me to awareness. 

You said to me "Xiumin, I'm sorry. I can't sleep"

I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes and pulled a hoodie over my head.

" Can we go outside for a moment. I feel like some fresh air."

" Urgh. Okay Luhan. But why do you wake me up as well?" 

"Because I don't wanna be alone. And I didn't want to wake the others. "

Worry and uncertainty crawled onto your face.

"I'm really sorry for waking you, you don't have to come with me if you don't want to. I'll be fine." 

"No." 

I grabbed your wrist as you prepare to walk away. No. I couldn't leave you when you needed me the most and, to be honest, I was more than glad that you chose to confide in me rather than the other members, demonstrating your trust in me, which I had wanted to gain since the day we met. 

" I'll come with you. Come here, let's go."

I beckoned you towards the door. Hand in hand, we made our way towards the river at the park with shielded eyes and quiet voices so that any passing fans wouldn't be alerted to our presence. This time, instead of a bench on the river bank, I drugged us towards the playground, where two empty swings were sadly swaying in the light breeze. When I saw them, I was reminded of us for some reason. I sat on one of them and began to swing myself.

"Luhan, come on! Swing with me! Haha!" 

This was the happiest I had felt in a long time, simply relishing in the gentle cool caress of the wind on my cheeks. There was no care or worry in the world. Seeing me laugh, you sat on the other swing and accompanied me in our childish endeavor. Soon we were laughing freely and loudly like two lunatics, and I'm pretty sure that the whole of Seoul could hear us, but I was too exhilarated to care. Finally that bright smile and cheerful laughter of your's returned, though it was short-lived. 

As the momentum of the swings faded along with our adrenaline, you turned and asked me "Baozi, Do you sometimes dream of just disappearing, running away to a faraway place like the countryside. A place where everything is just so simple and straightforward?" 

"Yes, I dream of it more than sometimes." 

What I couldn't bring my heart to say was that I dreamed of running away with you. Anywhere for you, even to the centre of the world. 

"Me too" You say as you smile at me. 

I stared at you.

I realized, at that moment, that even if you flew away from my reach, you'll always be the butterfly that I've always dreamed of. That image of you will always be locked away in my heart, no matter where you go.