This was the first package I bought in two years. I was able to quit smoking with Bang’s conviction. I began to smoke for the pacification that I had lost in all the chaos I’ve been going trough. I didn’t need it anymore after I met Bang. He had become my sedative. But now he’s the reason why I started smoking again. Now he’s the reason for my grief. How pathetic. Without any support I’m left alone and I had no other choice than to lock myself up in my room for my own protection. Everything outside reminded me of Bang and I reminded everyone as Bang’s girl. Everyone kept asking me how I was doing; whether I was coping well with Bang’s death. I never responded. What did they expect me to answer? I’m doing perfectly fine?

No. I’m suffering. I’m dying. I want to reject reality. I wish that this is all just a horrible dream and that I will soon wake up from this nightmare. But I know better… I tried to escape reality with drugs. I was really about to take in that essence… But I couldn’t. Don’t do it Janice. You’re better than that.

I kept hearing Bang’s voice in the back of my head and an image of a disappointed Bang kept appearing in front of my eyes. I detested that disappointed face expression. I have already disappointed so many people in my life and it didn’t bother me a bit. But not when it comes to Bang. He had done so much for me. I wouldn’t be able to deceive him. So I gave up that idea of experimenting with drugs. The darkness in my heart kept getting denser and all I could do was to hole up into the darkest corner of my room. I felt miserable. I stopped going to school. I refused to eat. I didn’t do anything. All I did was laying in my bed and cry. My mom kept knocking on my door, begging me to come out and talk with her.

Please, don’t go back to the past you again. Bang wouldn’t want that.

Since when did she even care about me? Our relationship did improve after they figured that I had such a trustworthy friend like Bang. But the view I had of my parents didn’t change. Today she didn’t come to my door surprisingly. But I heard her talking to someone on the phone. She must have called dad. I must have made her pretty desperate for her to even call dad. After her phone call I heard the slamming of the front door. She left the house. The entire house was quiet. The silence was killing me. I kept hearing Bang’s voice. It was driving me mad. I decided to turn up some deafening music to drown Bang’s soft voice in it.

I don’t know how long I’ve been lying on the floor in the middle of my room and listening to some blasting music but my mom must have returned, because she’s hammering on my door again.

“Janice open the door! Please!”

I ignored her until I recognised another female voice that definitely didn’t belong to my mother.

“Janice, it’s me. Mrs Bang… I came to talk with you.”

I immediately jumped up and opened the door. In front of me stood my mother and next to her the mellow Mrs Bang. I looked at her with a surprised expression.

“Mrs B-bang? What are you doing here?”

She smiled softly at me. “Let’s talk.”

My mom must have sorrowfully contacted Mrs Bang to tell her about my condition. I closed the door and ignored my mom who was standing outside and walked to my bed with Mrs Bang. She pointed towards my bed. “May I sit?”

“Oh sure!” We both sat on the bed. I made sure that I wasn’t sitting to close to her. This whole situation is making me a bit nervous.

“Janice, how are you?” Not this question again…

She chuckled after seeing my slightly annoyed face expression.

“I probably already know the answer to that. “ She said. I smiled hesitantly.

“Janice… I know how you’re feeling… My husband and I we are going through the similar emotions like you are right now… But the difference is…We are both not alone. I have my husband and he has me. We console each other. We keep each other sane. Without him I…”

“I understand.” I interrupted her, not wanting to hear the rest of her sentence.

She looked at me, straight in the eyes. I could see how she was suppressing her tears. I felt like she wants to tell me something and was contemplating whether she should or not. But it seems like she wants to keep it to herself.

She bent herself and reached to her bag, which she had set on the floor. She pulled out something that looked like a book.

“I think this is meant for you… I found this along all the other few belongings he had in the hospital…” She handed me the book.

“What’s this?” I asked, examining the book.

“I first need to apologize… I have read the first page because I myself didn’t know what it was either until I realized that this was a diary Bang has written for you.”

I looked at her, puzzled of what she was saying. Bang wrote for me? But I spent almost all of my time with him in his last few days and I never saw any book or diary near him.

“ So… I think I should leave now. I can imagine that you want to read Bang’s diary in peace all by yourself.” She lifted up her bag and walked towards the door.

“Oh and Janice? In case you feel lonely or need to talk to someone you can come visit me and my husband any time you like.”

I nodded. “Thanks Mrs bang.”

As soon as the door was shut I opened the diary. First Page.

Dear Janice…