Title: Don't forget (to be happy)
Dedicated to: windbeee
Date: 151209
Pairing: Jongin/Sehun
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2.4k
Description: Jongin doesn't want to move on.
Warnings: implied death
Prompt: angst!sekai with Sehun dead.
Message from Author: Everyone will go through this, but remember that lives are precious and shouldn't be wasted away thinking about the past. 

“I’m home.”

Jongin puts down his paper bag on the table as he closes the door shut. He switches on the light, unsurprised when he finds no one in the house.

Walking over to his living room, he sees frames and frames of photographs hanging on the wall, smiling nostalgically as he is reminded of the years they went through together. Long fingers trail of the first photograph, which was when they were still reckless and clueless teenagers with the same dream – to become a performer. Both of them are staring back at the camera, making funny faces as they continue taking selcas together. Seulgi is there too, and Jongin remembers how the three of them had spammed their dance teacher’s phone with their selcas.

He steps forward, looking down at the next photograph. Fast forward a few years, where SMTOWN Live World Tour 4 had taken place in Japan. This photo was taken by a fansite of the two of them holding hands as they walked together down the stage to greet fans – that time they were still friends, but holding secret feelings. The linking of their fingers wasn’t just for fanservice.

Another step. The next photo was taken, by fans again, during one of their concerts. Jongin remembers it like yesterday, how Sehun had cried, but the reason was forgotten behind genuine tears – Sehun hated crying in front of people. Jongin felt his heart hurt. He remembers he had walked to Sehun, held his chin gently in his fingers, his cheek lightly, and whispered words of comfort in his ears. No one dared come near.

Step. This one happened the very next day. Jongin cried instead. Sehun, although seemingly bratty and immature on the outside, had a deep and understanding heart. Jongin cried, and Sehun let him lean on his shoulder. Jongin cried, and even Sehun was never one to act first, he had reached down and held Jongin’s hand. The action so simple, yet so meaningful. Even now, Jongin remembers the touch of Sehun’s fingers, soft and warm against his.

More steps. Most of these are fantaken. Jongin always liked fantaken pictures, because they always captured the perfect moment, or an imperfect moment perfectly. He never told anyone, but he always kept fantaken photos of him and Sehun stored in his favourite USB that he still keeps with him in his pocket. They captured moments, they captured memories – They captured tears, laughter, and the intimacy that they both shared together throughout their early 20s.

Jongin remembers tickling Sehun in the airport – that was because he wanted to tell everyone that Sehun was his. He remembers back hugging him so many times, only because he loved Sehun’s smell. Every time he did that, Sehun never pulled away, but only let Jongin pull him closer.

Next. Jongin almost laughs aloud at this one – Sehun’s eighteenth birthday was broadcasted for a few minutes for the world to see. He remembers how people had wanted him to say something to Sehun, but he felt so awkward, not because he had nothing to say, but because he had so much. No one understood his feelings, he wasn’t sure they ever would.

“Sehuna, happy birthday.”

“You sound so awkward.” The manager laughed.

“…I love you.” It was said simply, casually, and yet it held so much meaning.

“Ew, that’s cheesy.” Sehun felt embarrassed, but Jongin didn’t care, because Sehun’s bright smile was one that meant everything.

The next few photos are of Jongin and Sehun’s dance practices. Jongin remembers teaching Sehun how to dance well, and he remembers playful Sehun messing around during breaks, yet Sehun was always serious when it came to dancing. Jongin remembers the determination on Sehun’s features, and he knows that Sehun will become a very good dancer one day. He was sure of it.

It was a bitter nostalgia. It made Jongin want to go back to those days, those days that had been tiring yet exciting – those days that he had never fully appreciated. Wrenching his eyes away from the photographs that are now only a mere memory to him, Jongin walks towards the room that he had never dared walk inside for a long time.

Hesitantly, he twists open the door and looks inside. Everything in Sehun’s room is kept exactly as it was kept when he still lived here. Jongin is afraid of messing it up, of losing everything he has left of Sehun.

After much conflict, he turns and shuts the door.

“Man, I’m thirsty.” Baekhyun pipes after a day’s worth of shopping. They haven’t seen each other for a while, ever since EXO went on a long hiatus. “Let’s get something to drink.”

“Bubble tea.” Jongin says simply. Baekhyun frowns, but simply follows Jongin to the bubble tea store – Sehun’s favourite bubble tea store. They order bubble tea – Baekhyun has strawberry flavoured and Jongin has mango flavoured. Jongin orders another one.

“Is this for Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks, confused as he watches Jongin wait, watching intensely as the machine does the work for them. “You know he doesn’t –”

“It’s for him.” Jongin replies, voice soft. “He loves chocolate.”

“…” Baekhyun is at a loss for words. He knows who Jongin is referring to. Jongin doesn’t care. He grabs the chocolate bubble tea and then leaves the counter. Baekhyun has to run to catch up to him.

“Jongin, you need to let it go.” Baekhyun says softly. Jongin stubbornly sips his bubble tea. “If you keep doing this, you’re hurting yourself.”

“Are you telling me to forget him?” Jongin shouts suddenly, voice so unusually sharp that Baekhyun flinches. “You’re telling me to forget him?”

“What?” Baekhyun sounds alarmed. “No, of course no –”

“Hey guys!” A deep voice rolls on as Chanyeol hovers above them. Jongin turns away, annoyed as he continues sipping.

“Chanyeol …” Baekhyun’s voice is soft. Jongin can hear the sympathy. He feels so damn angry.

“You’re all trying to pretend he doesn’t exist!” Jongin suddenly lashes out. Chanyeol stares back at him, startled, and Baekhyun looks afraid. “Were you even his friends? Did you even care about him?”

“Jongin –” Chanyeol reaches out to grab Jongin’s hand, but Jongin wrenches himself away. Their faces are sad, but they don’t understand. They don’t understand because they’ve moved on from him, and they never cared.

They want to forget.

Jongin runs.

“I just want you here.” Jongin had finally given in, thrown open the door to Sehun’s room in the house that they shared, and buried his face in the bedsheets. It messes up Sehun’s room, but he doesn’t care. It still smells like Sehun, but the smell is fading fast, and Jongin feels so terrified. He doesn’t want to lose Sehun again. Jongin takes out a photo of Sehun, the one that he had taken back in a radio show in 2013, where he had taken photos of Sehun and Sehun had made ugly faces but then blamed the bad pictures on his lack of photography skills. Sehun is slipping from his fingers. He’s afraid of forgetting Sehun. He can’t even remember how Sehun’s fingers felt like anymore. “I just want you here with me.”

Jongin doesn’t leave the bedroom for days.

It must be a few days later when someone bangs on Sehun’s door.

“Jongin!” Joonmyun’s voice is frantic. “Jongin, open up!”

It sounds so far away. The door seems so far away.

He closes his eyes again, and he dreams of Sehun. Rather, he remembers a fading memory.

“I wish EXO can be together forever.”

“What if that doesn’t happen?” The interviewer asks him, out of curiosity. This was never published, and Jongin had only accidentally passed by their room.

“Then I want everyone in EXO to be happy.”

Jongin-ah …

Leave this place. Never come back here again.

What? No … I don’t want to leave you alone.

I’m not alone.

But you are.

Sehun, don’t do this to me. I can’t lose you again.

You’ll never lose me. But you will lose the others.

Please, Jongin. Help me fulfil my wishes. Let them come true.

I’m going to forget you, Sehun … I’m going to leave you alone …

I’ll never be forgotten, as long as you still love me. You loved me until I left, and that’s all that matters.

Leave this place. I’ll be right inside you.

I’m right here.

Jongin wakes up to the banging on the door.

“!” Joonmyun yells. Jongin hears sobbing on the other side.

“We can’t lose him, hyung. We can’t!” Jongdae’s voice is pained and broken.

“We’re not going to lose anyone again!” Joonmyun’s voice is determined. The bangs are getting louder. Jongin feels weak, too weak to call out.

Sehun …

Go. I’m right here.

“YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE US, JONGIN!” Minseok yells.

“I’M GOING TO ING KILL YOU, JONGIN!” Kris shouts. Another loud bang. Jongin hears a crack.

“One, two, three!” Another bang. Jongin feels sleepy.

Don’t close your eyes. You’re nearly there.

His throat feels dry. He feels so weak.

“One, two, three!” BANG! The door falls open in splinters. Everyone is there, worried and terrified expressions etched onto their faces as everyone rushes towards him.

“Thank god!” Yi Xing is crying.

“I ing hate you!” Tao is crying too.

“I was so scared.” Everyone pulls him up and embraces him. He never knew until now that this was possible. Suddenly, he feels something refreshing slide down his throat – it’s giving him life. He gulps down hungrily, with the encouragement from the voice in his head, the voice that sounds so much like Sehun.

“You idiot!” Kyungsoo screams. Everyone falls silent – Kyungsoo never screams. “You ing idiot, Jongin!” The tears in his eyes look more painful than the tears he had conjured from all the hit dramas he had acted in.

“Sehun is ing gone, Jongin.” Jongin blinks slowly. He wants to wipe the tears from his best friend’s eyes. Why does he look so pained? “He is ing gone from this world, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t in our hearts.

“We move on.” Kyungsoo says softly, tears continue to fall like raindrops. His bottom lip is trembling. “We move on, because we have a right to be happy. Moving on doesn’t mean we forget, Jongin. It means we can look back and smile at the memories, so that we can remember Sehun with a smile rather than cry because he’s not here.

“Is that not what Sehun wants? He wants us to smile as we greet him, smile as we talk to him and about him. He doesn’t want us to waste our life away in our pasts. He wants us to make our own futures, allowing him to be with us every step of the way. What were your dreams, Jongin? You guys wanted to be performers – that’s what he wants you to achieve.

“Sehun will never be gone as long as we keep him in our hearts.” Jongin feels Kyungsoo’s warm and comforting hand in his own – it feels so different from Sehun’s hand. “He is inside all of us.” Jongin looks around. Lu Han’s eyes are red, and Tao is still bawling. Yi Xing looks devastated, and Kris has a frown on his face. Joonmyun looks like he just had a heart attack, and even Jongdae and Minseok have teary eyes. No one looks good. In fact, everyone looks tired and worn out, looking so much older than the last time he looked at them properly. Baekhyun’s cheeks are wet, and Chanyeol looks so angry. Jongin doesn’t fail to notice their hands – intertwined together so tightly, just like how Jongin wanted to hold Sehun all those years ago, yet was too afraid to. When did he miss this?

“We will always be one, no matter what.” Kyungsoo whispers. “Please, Jongin, don’t make us lose you too.”

“First, I would like to thank the fans.” Joonmyun says into the microphone, eyes looking towards the crowd of a few hundred thousand people, and then into the camera of another few hundred thousand watchers. “Thank you for always supporting us, for always allowing us to win such grand awards. We can’t have done this without you.”

“Thank you, Lee Soo Man-seonsaengnim, for giving us an opportunity to be on stage at all. Thank you to our manager, stylists, designers, to our mothers and fathers …”

“Even twelve years after our debut, we are able to achieve such grand awards. Never in any our lives would we have thought that we would be able to surpass all the Hollywood stars in album sales and become worldwide artists. For this, we will always be grateful, and we will work harder for you all. We have broken so many records, from selling out all our concert tickets in all the Asian countries under one second and selling out all our concert tickets everywhere else under three seconds. Even the Queen and President Obama know us and listen to our music!” Everyone laughs. “Throughout these years, we have not only grown in knowledge, but we have grown as an individual and as a group. We would never have gotten here without you. Thank you. We are one!” Joonmyun bows. Everyone else has their say, repeating what Joonmyun had said, some just screaming out ‘I love you’s’. Jongin stands there patiently, knowing they want to give him the most chance to be heard and remembered.

Finally, it is Jongin’s turn. He walks towards the microphone as everyone beams at him. Jongin smiles too as he grabs onto the mike and looks into the sky.

“…We would also like to thank a special someone, who has been here from the very start.” The lights are bright, but he doesn’t let that faze him. He continues smiling. “He never failed to give us courage and persistence. He was someone who spoke to me in the most difficult time of my life, ordered me to get back up again, because life was so much more important than just one person. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean the world to me, but I have decided to now dedicate the rest of my world to him.

“Sehuna, if you’re listening, happy birthday.” Jongin lets out a chuckle, then stretches his smile wider. It’s genuine, and he knows Sehun will love it, even if it is cheesy. “I love you.”