frost
Story by kooshii
Reviewed by amber_rose

Title [3/5]
I liked the simplicity in the title and the fact that it had a clear link to the context of the story itself, although I found myself wishing that it could perhaps have been slightly more creative. Given that the story is a modern day fantasy, it would have been nice if there was some allusion to that in the title so that someone who chances upon your story would be able to identify the genre more easily.   

Description/Foreword [3/5]
The minimalism in the description was great—it was short and to the point, revealing just about enough to keep readers curious and interested in what they could expect from the story. What was especially well done was that every line in the description was linked to a key aspect of your story, something I came to realise only after I had read some of the chapters. In the first sentence, Aecha is introduced as someone with an inexplicable preference for cold weather, which hints at her true nature that is only revealed later in the story. The second sentence introduces us to this mysterious boy with blue eyes, revealing yet another key recurrent element in the story—the blue eyes. I wasn’t too keen about the concept of “marking” someone as it reminded me of the werewolves in Twilight, but the upside was that it pointed the reader quite clearly in the direction of the fantasy genre and helped to set the context a little better. I particularly liked the last sentence of the description because it gave a sense of foreboding about what was to come, although I would suggest moving that sentence to a separate paragraph on its own for better visual impact.  

There were a few grammatical errors in your description that could be corrected. Firstly, regarding the use of numbers in written text, there are some differences in rules depending on which style guide you choose to follow (Chicago Manual of Style is the common one for literature). However, all the style guides indicate that numbers at the beginning of a sentence should always be spelt out in full instead of being written in the numerical form, therefore you would have to use ‘eighteen-year-old’ instead of ‘18-year old’ in the first sentence of your description. The pronoun ‘whom’ has also been used incorrectly in the description and should be replaced by ‘who’ instead. When you use ‘whom,’ it should be referring to the object of the sentence—in this case, the object of your sentence is Aecha. However, you were intending to use the pronoun to refer to the boy who marked her instead, who is the subject of the sentence and not the object. A quick guide that teaches you when to use ‘whom’ and ‘who’ can be found here.

Plot [18/30]
The overall premise of your plot was rather novel and fresh, given that it focuses on the unique ability to control the environment, or more specifically the elements of winter. There are too many fantasy stories these days that accord different superpowers to each character, which can be terribly confusing and messy, so it was great to see that your story was anchored strongly on just one. However, given that winter is only one of the four seasons, I did wonder about what would happen to your characters for the other three-quarters of the year—would they lose their abilities or need to go into hiding just like vampires did in the daytime? In any case, that doesn’t necessarily need to affect your story much, assuming that you can contain all the events within winter; it was just a random thought that popped into my mind.

The story opened strongly by giving the reader an introduction to the main character, Aecha, and her slightly unusual preference for all things cold and wintry. Using the contrasting bowls of hot and cold noodles to flesh out the difference between her and her friend Junhee was also a useful way to help illustrate her oddities a little better. In the first chapter, Aecha crossed paths with a stranger on the street whom she found to be a little colder (literally) than normal. I thought that that was a fairly intriguing encounter—one that signalled a turning point in her thus far ordinary life—but there was no development to this subsequently which I thought was slightly disappointing. The stranger that she brushed shoulders with could have been any one of the subsequent characters that appeared, given that he was described generically as wearing “a dark hood over his head” and having a “broad back.” Also, because this encounter was positioned right before her first meeting with Jiwon and Hanbin in the cafe, it could give readers the impression that the stranger was in fact one of the two. I found myself speculating about the significance of this stranger and their brief encounter on the street, but there was no conclusion to be drawn.     

The process of Hanbin “marking” Aecha in the first chapter is a critical plot point, because it becomes evident in later chapters that there are some implications that accompany this process, such as their necessary reliance on each other. After reading the five chapters, there were still some aspects of this “marking” concept that I felt could have been better explained. Based on Jiwon’s explanation in Chapter 4, “marking” was a means of identifying people with frostbite so that they could be recruited to join the pack. This explanation was a little more bland than I expected, as it didn’t touch on why it would result in a hidden connection between the person who gave the mark and the one who received it, nor did it explain the significance of that connection. One other possibility that I toyed with was that the “marking” process could have been a means of activating the dormant frostbite power that laid within a person, although the fact that Aecha managed to form icicles only after she ate those mysterious mints made me question whether it was the mark that activated her power or if it was the mints that did the trick.

The story has only just started exploring the history behind the two opposing frostbite groups and also Aecha’s background, so for world building purposes I think it would be useful for you to place some emphasis on expanding these areas. For stories in the fantasy genre, world building plays a huge role in plot development because you have to give the reader a good sense of what this alternate world you have created is like and help them understand the backstories behind individual characters and groups. For your story, the feud between Hanbin’s group and Mino’s group seems to play a significant role in shaping the plot, and therefore it would help to describe that more thoroughly. From the winter ball, it seemed as though the two groups were trying to co-exist peacefully, yet at the same time it was obvious that there were some underlying tensions between them—this tenuous relationship could be fleshed out more as the story progresses and it could do wonders for the plot development. Currently, there were some scenes related to the ongoing feud that didn’t seem to make sense, such as the instance when Jiwon is pierced by an icicle thrown by one of the members of the other group. It came across as slightly random, and would have been helpful if Jiwon had provided an explanation about this subsequently. Also, it would help to slowly explain the differences between the two groups, for example, why their eyes appear different and what differences in abilities they have, so that the reader’s understanding of the two groups could be made richer. As for Aecha’s background, we have only been given a preliminary glimpse into this through the sheets that Mino wrapped around an icicle and threw at her, so I am expecting that more will be revealed in due course. However, I thought the way the backstory was presented in those sheets could have had a little more depth and dramatic flair—presenting an overview of their background in a short two sentences could trivialise this rich history more than it should have been.

Based on the various hints dropped along the way, such as the bracelet given to her and Junhee’s odd reactions to certain occurrences, it seems to suggest that Junhee is slightly suspicious and could likely be (or most definitely is) linked with Mino’s group. Given that this understanding is already quite clear to the boys and possibly to Aecha as well, I’m not too sure why Aecha still hangs out with Junhee despite the possibility that she could be a threat. That being said, I think it would be interesting to be able to find out more about Junhee’s character and her role in the entire story.

All in all I thought your story was heading in the right direction and that it could make for an interesting read if the world building were done conscientiously along the way. One suggestion would be to cut out the unnecessary distractors, one of which I thought was the boys’ dancing. If the story is a purely fantasy AU, there is no need to have the characters do the things that they would do in real life (unless it contributes towards the plot in some significant way).      

Characterisation [9/25]
On the whole, characterisation would be the area that is lacking the most and could be improved in order to make your story even better. I felt that you had characters with great potential and there were signs of this being shown throughout the story, such as Aecha’s unique preferences and traits, Jiwon’s bubbly personality and Mino’s mysterious nature. However, as your story is significantly driven by plot, it felt as though less emphasis was placed on developing the character’s personalities in an attempt to get the story to flow a little faster. Perhaps it could be useful to study each individual character and examine whether or not the unique personality traits of that character were being clearly portrayed through their dialogue and actions, as this would help to make the story a more compelling read.  

Aecha: As mentioned in the Plot section, I felt that the introduction to Aecha as the main character was well done in terms of describing her preferences and nature. However, as the story progressed, I felt that there was not enough colour in her personality to make her a more interesting character. To add to that, there were times when her behaviours and reactions to various situations seemed slightly unrealistic, which resulted in her being lacklustre as a main. The first time she realises that two strangers (Hanbin and Jiwon) seem to be following her, she decides to question them about the colour of their eyes instead of avoiding them or running away as an ordinary person might react; the next time she finds Jiwon loitering outside her school waiting for her, she immediately decides to follow him willingly instead, which again is not the natural reaction that one would have towards strangers with even stranger blue eyes. In short, she is overly trusting towards these boys that she has only just met and that comes across as a little unrealistic. While her frostbite abilities could have led to that instinctive bond between her and the boys, it would have been useful to provide at least a short window of time for her to make sense of all this before she decides to place her trust in them. Another instance where Aecha’s character comes across slightly unrealistic is the moment when Jiwon throws an icicle that pierces through someone’s abdomen. If something liked that happens in front of your eyes, the instinctive reaction would probably be fear or shock, yet Aecha doesn’t seem to display any of these emotions. Thus far her reactions and emotions seem rather muted, which makes it difficult to relate to her as a character. It would be helpful if there had been a slower build-up in the relationship between her and the boys, so that readers can see a more gradual progression. For example, during her first few encounters with them, she could have been more wary and cautious (e.g. avoiding eye contact, trying to put more distance between them); subsequently, when she realises they mean no harm (perhaps after Jiwon saves her from the mysterious icicle-wielding stranger), she could then warm up to them a little.

Hanbin: Hanbin has been a rather flat character, possibly because he hasn’t been given very much screen time at all. From the way your description has been set up, I would have expected Hanbin to play a much larger role in this story, but five chapters in it seems that Jiwon has had more limelight than the supposed male lead. As for Hanbin, he has been mostly broody and silent, so much so that he almost fades away into the background. Perhaps you have plans for Hanbin to appear more often in later chapters, but I would still suggest for his role to be expanded slightly so that readers don’t get confused over who is meant to be the male lead. It’s alright for him to be the strong, stoic sort but thus far there hasn’t been much insight provided into his character and he seems to appear the the most random moments without explanation (like when he shows up outside Aecha’s house, touches her mark and gives her absolutely no answers). It would be helpful if there was better relationship development between him and Aecha, and that could come with more purposeful interactions between them.

Supporting Characters: In short, Jiwon has basically outshone Hanbin in this story. His character comes across fairly strongly and it was easy to differentiate him from all the other boys. This has partly to do with the fact that he has the most interactions with Aecha and it is through those interactions that his character traits have been showcased. I liked his bright and cheery nature, which made him a very enjoyable supporting character. I thought it was slightly odd for the supporting character to have featured so strongly right from the start of the story though, to the extent that it was Jiwon who escorted Aecha to the ball instead of Hanbin. The other supporting character that has been given a more prominent role so far would be Mino, who plays the role of the antagonist in this story. There’s not much that can be said about him now because his appearances are brief and they haven’t allowed me to gauge much about his character. I did notice that he seems to be giving away information to Aecha surprisingly readily for someone who perpetually acts mysterious, and I’m not sure if there is a specific reason for him to be doing so—it would be good if the rationale behind his actions can be made known at a later stage in the story, so that it doesn’t seem like his character behaving in an inconsistent manner. All in all, I thought Jiwon was my favourite character in your story and I hope to see more of him as the plot progresses!
 

Language [11/15]
There are no major problems with your command of language, although there are some errors here and there that could be addressed. Firstly, there were a couple of instances where you use comma splices; that's where you use a comma to link two otherwise independent clauses that have no relation to each other.

E.g. “He had a dark hood over his head, his hair pushed back with a cap and sharp jawline, and she had to quicken her pace to match his long strides.”  

E.g. “She shuffled over to look outside, down on the pavement outside her apartment building stood a boy she hadn’t seen in a while, and his twinkling blue eyes lit up the darkness around him.”

In the above two examples there have been comma splices. For the first example, your first independent clause would be the one describing Jiwon’s appearance, and the second clause is the one about her quickening her pace. Since Jiwon’s appearance is unrelated to her need to pick up speed, you should have used a full stop to separate the two instead. In the second example, there should have been a full stop between the fragment that speaks of her shuffling to the window and that which describes what she saw outside. When you use comma splices, the meaning of the sentence can become a little convoluted, so it would be good to take note of that.

While there generally no issues with your tense usage, there was the occasional error here and there with more complex tenses.

E.g. “If he hadn’t looked [wasn’t looking] at her this sternly, she actually would’ve thought he’d been [he was] quite cute.”

In the example above, the action of Hanbin looking at the Aecha is still ongoing, therefore more appropriate to use the past continuous (“was not looking”) instead of the simple past (“had not looked”), as using the past continuous tense suggests that the action happened in the past and is still happening at present, while the simple past tense is used to refer to an action that is already completed in the past. Similarly for the second part of the sentence, Aecha thinking that Hanbin is cute would have been an ongoing thing, therefore the past perfect continuous tense (“had been”) should not have been used as it is only used when the action began in the past and was also completed some time in the past. In this case, using the simple past tense would be sufficient.

I’ve also noticed that you have used the past tense of the verbs “lie” and “lay” incorrectly on a couple of instances. Many people make this mistake because words “lie” and “lay” are irregular verbs and the way they are used doesn’t really align with some of the other regular verbs. If we look at the definitions of these two words, the word “lie” is an intransitive verb that means to rest or recline, while “lay” is a transitive verb that means to put something down. By definition, this means that the verb “lay” should always be followed by an object word, which would be the object that you are placing down.

E.g. "an open textbook lied on her desk"

E.g. "...the snow melted into his hands and into his wound until his body lied still and his wound had healed." 

In the first example above, the sentence fragment is referring to the book resting on the table. Similarly, for the second example the verb refers to Jiwon’s body resting on the ground. Note that in both cases there is no object word following after the irregular verb. Therefore, the correct irregular verb to use for these two examples is “lie”, but the past tense of “lie” is actually “lay” and not “lied”! Confusing, I know, but the past tense of “lie” is in fact another irregular verb “lay”. If you would like to refer to a simple guide that lists the different tense forms of the verbs “lie” and “lay”, you can find it here.

Structure and Style [11/15]
In general I thought you had a fairly strong writing style, and the flow of the story felt natural and easy to read. There was good variation between the lengths of your sentences and paragraphs and the balance between descriptive prose and dialogue was also well done. I particularly liked the opening paragraph, which set the tone for the entire story very well—my favourite line would have to be “However, the snow meant more to her than winter sports and layers of soft, thick clothing ever would.”

I noticed that you have a habit of identifying characters in the story by describing their visible features instead of simply using the character’s name. That could be alright from time to time, but the issue I had was that most of your characters had the same distinct feature, which would be their blue eyes. As a result it got slightly confusing when every one of them was described as “the boy with blue eyes” because at some point I didn’t quite know exactly which boy with blue eyes you were referring to. It would also be helpful if you varied the descriptions of different individuals slightly more. In particular, Jiwon was described several times as “the boy with the bunny teeth,” which would have been alright for a start but could get tedious if used too many times. There are instances where you just refer to characters as “the boy before her” or “the boy beside her”—in one sentence both of these were linked together as, “the boy before her smiled kindly, and then looked at the boy beside her.” It would have been more reader-friendly if less of such indirect references were made and their character names had been used instead. This would also less likely confuse the reader and make the sentence sound more natural.

Another area that you could work on improving are the sections in the story where you substitute actual dialogue with a narration of the dialogue instead, which makes for less interesting reading.

E.g. “She asked him why such thing couldn’t happen when both parts wanted it to, and he asked her if she remembered the story of a lost daughter, which she did.”

In the sentence above, you have essentially described a dialogue in prose and that results in a lost opportunity to create some interesting conversation. Dialogue is useful because it helps to flesh out character traits and qualities, based on the tone of voice and words that characters choose to use. If you could convert the above into actual dialogue, it could have made a great difference in making that section of the story more interesting, instead of sounding like a laundry list.   

Personal Enjoyment [4/5]
I quite enjoyed the story because the premise of it was novel and not something that you see all the time on AFF! Also, your command of language and writing style was fairly strong, which made for a smooth read. It would have been great if there were more chapters completed so that plot and characterisation could be better developed. As with most fantasy stories, there is usually a huge amount of world building and setting up required before the of the story is reached, so it was a pity that we’re only at the early beginnings of the story.   

Total Score: 59/100

Reviewer’s Comments: Your story has had an interesting start and I’m looking forward to seeing how it’ll continue to evolve as it goes along! The concept is fairly novel and would probably interest many readers. I hope the review was helpful and that it gave you some ideas on how to take the story forward!

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