a tale to tell
Story by SilentlyWriting
Reviewed by amber_rose
 

Title [1/5]
The title came across as too run-of-the-mill and didn’t stand out from the crowd. It would also be difficult for a generic title like that to attract readers to read the story. The link between the title and the story was not sufficiently tight, and if you hadn’t told me that the title was referring to Jaebum’s sketchbook records, I might not have seen any link at all. If you wanted to make the title more relevant to the story, I would suggest that you would have to give either Jaebum or Youngjae the role as the narrator and then make it clear that the story was being narrated from their point of view, that way it would come across more clearly as someone ‘telling a tale’.    


Description/Foreword [1/5]
The way your description is written is very important because it acts as the hook to catch a reader’s attention and draw him into your story. A well written description can go a long way to increasing your readership count, while a poorly written one would not do justice to your story because people are turned away before they even start the first chapter. As it is, I was extremely puzzled by the way your description was written, because it looked like you had just dropped a couple of dictionary entries on me, all of which say nothing about what your story is about and what I can look forward to within. Perhaps you had chosen to do so for stylistic reasons, but providing dictionary definitions of words would only be acceptable if the words in your title are those than one would not typically encounter and hence might need some help comprehending. Words like ‘tale’ and ‘tell’ are hardly of that nature.

Using a snippet of the story in your foreword is a workable concept, especially if the snippet has been well-chosen. I would say that the foreword was a better glimpse into your story than the description was, but what put me off slightly was the inaccuracy about stars.

“They are beautiful when you see it from far, but the truth is, they're only big rocks with lights.”

Stars are definitely not rocks, but are instead gaseous bodies, so to have described them as ‘big rocks with lights’ comes across as inappropriate and could deter people from reading the rest of the story. It could be rationalised to be a misconception held by Youngjae, given that he is a little looney, but for it to be put in the foreword without any context attached to it could turn away readers before they have a chance to understand the background behind the person who says these words. One snippet that I thought might have been good to include in the description or foreword was the scene where the detectives were interrogating Jinyoung, as it could get people interested in finding out what exactly was wrong with this boy.   


Plot [16/30]
The premise of your entire story is interesting and there is definitely potential in exploring the concept of mental illness being the main driver of the key events within your plot. There were certain bright sparks in your storytelling that helped the plot move along, my favourite of which would be the scene with the butterfly. Of all the scenes, I felt like that was the best hint at Jinyoung’s underlying condition, whereby he pulls the wings off the butterfly to keep it from flying away. It was a pity that there weren’t more of such scenes, because it would have helped the reader form their own understanding of what exactly was wrong with Jinyoung without needing further explanation. I would not recommend that you have an explanation chapter for your story, because if an explanation is required in order for readers to understand the story, then it would suggest that more work could have been done within the main story itself in order to help readers gain that understanding.

Since the main plot is contingent on the fact that Jinyoung has a mental condition, let’s discuss that first. From the way that the story has been laid out, it is indeed consistent that Jinyoung has some sort of fear against people (or butterflies) leaving him, which triggers something within him that makes him act in violent ways. However, it is doubtful whether or not this sort of a mental condition could be classified as OCD, as you have explained. I believe you have done your research on this condition, but there are some telltale symptoms of OCD that didn’t seem to be apparent in your story, the most obvious of which being the compulsive need to conduct a particular ritual over and over. If Jinyoung had OCD, then there needed to be a deeper exploration into the obsessive thoughts that plague his mind. In OCD patients, such obsessive thoughts may not be apparent, thought they will often lead to some sort of compulsive behaviour. For example, if Jinyoung was obsessed about the thought of being left behind, then it could manifest itself in him frequently checking that the person he is attached to (in this case Mark) is around, to an extent that is not normal. Alternatively, he could try to distract himself from his obsessive thoughts by carrying out a particular action like brushing his teeth whenever he has those thoughts.

My main issue with pinning OCD down as Jinyoung’s mental condition is that most people with OCD don’t actually carry out these violent actions. Their obsession exists in their minds, and they tend to experience an inner struggle with themselves where they debate over and over about their own obsessions. This inner struggle appears to be absent within the story, which detracts from the OCD explanation. It would have been more logical if Jinyoung had done something to hurt himself in order to stop himself from having such damaging thoughts, instead of turning the violence on someone else. Also, while it is possible for an OCD patient to be obsessed with violent thoughts, these thoughts are usually not triggered in such a logical manner as they seem to be for Jinyoung’s case, where they are triggered when someone he loves is about to leave him. An additional point is that Jinyoung was way too calm after his parents’ deaths. Even if he was in denial, surely he should have been upset if his parents were killed especially when he had a fairly close relationship with them. Jinyoung’s behaviour during the interrogation made him appear to be like a pathological killer right from the start, which does not gel well with his supposed mental condition.

In Chapter 3, Mark and Jinyoung were postulating the reasons why the various mental patients ended up in the hospital, based on the belief that “no one is born with an unsteady mental state”. This is an ironic statement, given that Jinyoung is supposed to have OCD and this condition can have a genetic cause. There are many psychological disorders that stem from genetic causes, which mean that they can be passed down from parent to child. While the disorder may not manifest itself from birth, very often these people are born with a predisposition to the development of these conditions and there may not need to be an environmental trigger for manifestation to occur.

One possible alternative condition that could be used to explain Jinyoung’s mental state could be autophobia, the irrational fear of being left alone, which could stem from depression. This seems like a valid possibility given Jinyoung’s past insecurities and his experience of being bullied, which could have led him to develop anxiety at the thought of being abandoned.

With regard to the opening of the story, as mentioned above, the way Jinyoung spoke made him seem terribly suspicious, yet I felt like his words did not betray much of an underlying mental condition. Therefore, it seemed strange that the detectives were able to pinpoint right away that he had some psychological problem and have him admitted into a mental institution (without a doctor’s certification?). Given that they had insufficient evidence to convict him of the crime, it seemed a little inappropriate for them to have him locked away immediately without any intermediate steps to justify their decision.

I thought there was a good attempt to use the side characters to contribute towards the plot, such as continuing the reference to the stars from the conversation between Mark and Jinyoung in Youngjae’s cryptic warning to Mark. Youngjae’s message to Mark takes reference from Mark’s earlier quote about being attracted to the stars, which hinted at Youngjae having overheard the conversation the night before. It seemed to be a warning to Mark not to get closer to Jinyoung, but I would actually have associated Mark as being the star instead of Jinyoung, because at this particular juncture, Jinyoung seemed to be the one who was investing more emotion into this relationship than Mark was. It would have been good if Mark’s point of view was brought into the picture at an earlier stage, possibly before this star reference, in order for Youngjae’s warning to seem more coherent.

The ending where Jinyoung murdered Mark and ran away from the hospital raised a number of questions in my mind, such as how Jinyoung managed to enter Mark’s cell in the first place and how he managed to escape from the hospital. Given that they were supposed to have been locked up in ‘cells’, the ease at which Jinyoung must have left his own cell and entered Mark’s was not adequately explained. Also, I would have expected security to be far tighter at a mental institution, hence Jinyoung’s sudden disappearance also surfaced a question that couldn’t be answered. I had been hoping for the Romeo and Juliet reference to have been expanded upon a little more, with perhaps both of them being found dead (with Jinyoung killing himself instead of running away).

Characterisation [8/25]
In general I felt that the story was a little short, which provided less room for more thorough character development. As a result, many of the emotions and decisions of the main characters came across as rather abrupt and unexplained. This affected the relationship development between Jinyoung and Mark, which should have been given more emphasis in order to bring across the element of angst into the story.

Jinyoung:Jinyoung’s character was the stronger of the two, although there were inconsistencies in the way he behaved as I have already explained in the earlier section on plot. This would likely be because most of the story was told from his perspective, therefore his thoughts and emotions came across more clearly than Mark’s. Jinyoung is portrayed to be a smart cookie, perhaps a little too smart for his own good, yet at the same time despite his high IQ he has problems dealing with the EQ side of the house. This portrayal was relatively well done at the beginning of the story, during Jinyoung’s interactions with the police and his first encounter with Mark, though it sort of fell apart a little after the first two chapters where he sort of dissolved into a gooey mess of emotions and abandoned his rational side. What could have been enhanced about Jinyoung’s character development was the exploration of his inner demons. We are provided with a glimpse of that through his conversation with Mark where he spills the beans on his past, but there is little else beyond that. Jinyoung’s past is critical to explaining his current mental state, hence there could have been more discussion on that aspect.

“Sometimes when Jinyoung spent his lunchtime talking non-sense with Mark and seeing the boy smiled or when their hands accidentally in contact with each other, Jinyoung just wanted so desperately to leave ― to go back to his cell, crawling under his blanket and lay there in the dark, clenching his heart with his finger ― replaying every moments, everything that they did. He just wanted to be left alone ― with nothing other than his thoughts of him.”

This particular segment introduced a bit of inconsistency to Jinyoung’s character. I could interpret it as Jinyoung being unsure of his feelings towards Mark, yet the whole idea of replaying those moments over and over in his head seem to suggest that there wasn’t such uncertainty present. It did not seem to make sense for Jinyoung to be want to purposefully introduce additional distance between him and Mark, especially when he seemed to already obsessed with the latter at this stage.  

Mark: It was a definitely a good idea to introduce the chapter that described things from Mark’s point of view, because without it his character would have been even more indistinct than it already was. However, because Mark’s parts were not as significant as Jinyoung’s throughout most of the story, there is a bit of a disjoint between the Mark we see for most of the story and the Mark that is portrayed in his one starring chapter. From the way he is portrayed, Mark seems like the philosophical sort of a person, although whether that is truly his inclination or he is just trying to pretend to be that way because it helps him cope with his depression and helps him rationalise about his current state of being is not entirely clear. On the whole I felt like we needed to see more of Mark in order to understand his thoughts and behaviours a little bit better, and it would also have contributed towards our understanding of why he just threw his hands up in surrender and gave himself in to death so easily instead of choosing to fight for his happiness instead.   

I would have liked to see more depth in the development of the relationship between Mark and Jinyoung, because the current pacing felt rushed and didn’t provide sufficient grounds to convince the reader of the bond between the two of them. When the sentence “That feeling when someone stirs a world of emotion in you and it’s so intense you can barely stand to be with him” appeared in the third chapter after a few night conversations between Mark and Jinyoung, it came across as very sudden and it was difficult to understand the reasons why Mark was able to touch Jinyoung so deeply. Perhaps if the contents of their conversations could have been expanded further beyond the one short snippet that was shown, it would have allowed the reader to gain a better understanding of how their relationship blossomed. Also, because of the lack of Mark’s point of view, it didn’t occur to me that Mark reciprocated Jinyoung’s feelings up until he abruptly confesses his feelings in Chapter 4. Prior to that, their interactions made it seem more like Mark treating Jinyoung as a good friend instead of a love interest and it was difficult to detect the turning point in their relationship where Mark began to view Jinyong in a different light.

Language [4/15]
While I could understand your story in the way that it is currently written, there were numerous grammatical issues that detracted from the reading experience and would need to be improved upon. I understand that English is not your first language, so just take it as a learning experience since the best way to improve in language is to keep writing and rectifying your mistakes! I will be highlighting some broad categories of grammatical errors that occur most frequently, using some examples from within the story.

One of the main issues with your writing is that there are many inconsistencies in the usage of tenses throughout your story. There would very often be the casual switching between past and present tense when there shouldn’t have been. Most of your story is told in past tense, hence you would need to take extra care to align your writing with that.

“The lock clicked open and Jinyoung was pushed into the cell. Before he can [could] protest, the door behind him was already closed and locked.”

“After a few days in the hospital, all he has [had] learnt from this place was that the food is [was] not as bad as he thought - at least it still had some tastes - and in the morning they will [would] have a routine checkup with the doctor, which will [would] be continued by some leisure time.”

Note that in this one sentence, you have used a mixture of present and past tense, which is inconsistent.

Another thing to watch out for would be the use of singular versus plural words in your sentences. There were some occasions when you used the plural form of a word when it should have been singular, and vice versa.

“The crowd was gathered in the middle of the cafeteria ─ screaming and yelling like a 7-year-old kid ─ while the nurses trying to pull them down with some sedatives.” In this case the description of the screaming and yelling is in reference to ‘the crowd’, which is a plural term. Therefore, they should be ‘screaming and yelling like seven year old kids’, not ‘a kid’. Also note that it is convention to spell out numbers when writing, instead of using the numerical form.

“ I used to be a dancer. Car accidents. A fatal Fractures.” When you use the article ‘a’ you should be referring to a singular item, yet the accompanying word ‘fractures’ is in plural. Depending on whether you wish to be referring to one fracture or multiple fractures, this phrase would need to be adjusted accordingly. As a side note, something that is fatal would imply that it would cause death, but since Mark was alive and well at that point in time, I would assume that his fractures were not fatal.

There was one instance when I spotted a sentence that was far longer than it should have been. There were many points squeezed within that one sentence, and the usage of em dashes could have given the impression that you had broken up the paragraph into a few sentences when you actually hadn’t. If the entire chunk had been broken up into discrete sentences, the flow of the segment would have been better and it would also give the reader some breathing space in between.

Original version: “Ever since then, Jinyoung and Mark talk in almost every night ―aside from the fact that there’s no one else to talk to of course― once in a while they discussed about trivial matters and Mark would recite some of his worldly-wise philosophy and Jinyoung would smile knowing that it turned out that Mark just copied a line from one of the books that the hospital provides in each cell― means that Jinyoung read it too, but Mark didn’t know about it so he’ll play along with him.”

Suggested version: “Ever since then, Jinyoung and Mark talked almost every night, because there was no one else to talk to. Once in a while they discussed about trivial matters and Mark would recite some of worldly-wise philosophy. Jinyoung would smile knowing that it turned out that Mark had just copied a line from one of the books that the hospital provided in each cell. That meant that Jinyoung had read it too, but Mark didn’t know about it so he would just play along with him.”  

Lastly, there were some awkward word choices that you used in the story, which might have been better replaced by something else in order to convey the meaning more accurately. One such word would be ‘syndrome’, which was used during Jinyoung’s first encounter with Mark. A ‘syndrome’ refers to a set of medical symptoms associated with a particular disease, but in the context that it has been used, it appears to only be referring to one symptom and not a set of them. Perhaps a more appropriate word to be used in this case would therefore be ‘symptom’ instead of ‘syndrome’. There was also an instance where you used the word ‘beautifulness’, when it should rightfully have been ‘beauty’ instead. The improvement of word choice and vocabulary comes with reading more widely and exposing yourself to more literature, so I would suggest that you could try doing so to improve in your own writing.  

Structure and Style [5/15]
On the whole the pace of the story was rather rushed and the flow also felt choppy because of the short sections. While the order of events largely made sense and there was clear evidence of attempting to draw links between different sections of the story (e.g. opening and closing with the detectives, using the star reference to link conversations), the flow of the story could have been improved if all these sections had been expanded upon, so that it didn’t seem so abrupt between transitions.

There are occasions where your descriptive prose comes across as a little awkward because of the words and phrases that were chosen to portray certain imagery. In the paragraph highlighted below, I can tell that you are trying to highlight the difference between the two contrasting faces of Mark, and that is a good technique to be employing. However, the choice of phrases to describe this contrast would need to be re-examined in order for the description to work better. The phrase ‘as sad as the eyeball of sorrow behind a shroud’ is slightly odd, firstly because the simile you use to describe his eyes shouldn’t be another reference to eyes (in this case eyeball), and also because this is not a widely accepted expression. Hope and despair, when used as nouns in this particular case, are not countable nouns, hence they should not be expressed in the plural form.  

“The boy whose eyes are as sad as the eyeball of sorrow behind a shroud, but smile as happy as a wave that dances on the sea.  The boy who talks about hopes [hope] in the middle of the night, but whispered despairs [despair] when the sun goes up. The boy who looks so broken and beautiful at the same time.”

As this is your first piece, there is no need to worry too much about writing style at this point in time because it is something that will be developed as you go along. It is also difficult to develop a strong writing style if there are language issues that need to be sorted out, as the reader’s understanding of your work will be hampered by these.

This is a minor point in relation to the aesthetic presentation of your story, but I noticed that there are inconsistencies in the way you space paragraphs, sometimes leaving no spacing between them and anywhere between one to three lines of spacing at other occasions. Also, you hit the tab button at the start of certain paragraphs, but there is no consistency with regard to when you do so. It would help if you set yourself some rules for these things, just so that the presentation of your work is neater and it would help improve the reading experience of your readers.

Personal Enjoyment [2/5]
I did enjoy the premise of your story as it was interesting to discover the reasons behind Jinyoung’s parents’ deaths and to see how Jinyoung’s mental condition contributed to the overall plot development. I would perhaps have enjoyed it more if the plot execution and language had been better, but that is something that I believe you will be able to improve on given time.

Total Score: 37/100

Reviewer’s Comments: Given that this is your first fanfiction showing, I’d say it was a pretty decent job! At least in the plot department, your main storyline can be considered fairly novel and interesting, which is always a good thing to start with. I am also impressed that you chose to challenge yourself with a topic like mental illness despite not being a science major (I read in one of the comments that you major in literature?). I hope that the points mentioned provide enough for you to work on and improve upon, and I’m sure you’ll become an even better writer with every subsequent story!

The permanent copy of your review can be found here: x.