you got spooked!
Story by BlueSapp
Reviewed by eleutheromaniac

Title
The title for this story is definitely more on the “comedy” side as opposed to the horror side, and I found it to be cute. My only concern is that the title doesn't really fit the story since the latter lacked development and didn't really fit the “cute and funny” genre that the title promises.

Description/Foreword
As a whole, I found that the description and the foreword were not as cohesive as I hoped them to be, which limits their potential for impressing potential readers. There isn’t a transition from the idea of Yoongi finding a girl at school to something about a haunted house that’s themed as a mental hospital, and a transition is necessary because these are two ideas that have little to do with one another. At the same time, there’s a heavy reliance on rhetorical questions. Rhetorically speaking, I would recommend these questions only be used in order to invoke thought within the reader and make them realize that there’s no clear-cut answer, or to emphasize a profound nature in regards to a certain point. The questions included in the story’s description do not evoke much thought within me, so I found their appearance within the description slightly redundant.

That aside, the description has a couple of grammatical errors that made me less inclined to read the story. Here’s a possible revision:

Min Yoongi doesn’t have time for girls, but what happens when he catches a particular girl sneaking around the teacher’s lounge at night? And why does it have to be her?

Yokdeok’s Mental Hospital is a famous tourist site for haunted house lovers; idol groups and public figures often shoot themselves screaming and cursing and publicly air it to the world for the sake of variety. Now, why don’t we explore the disguised phantom’s side of the story as she endures through all the laughing, swearing and the retreating figures being thrown at her.

Grammatical corrections are bolded, but I went ahead and underlined specific parts of the description that I felt were problematic.

The first underlined section seemed odd to me because this event doesn’t occur in the story until the tenth chapter. This indicates to me that either the flow of the story was set up incorrectly or that the exposition event chosen to draw the reader in was chosen incorrectly. When writing a description, it typically makes sense to either select an early plot point to focus on, or to allude to the grander themes of the story. In this case, it seems as although the former was what was trying to be achieved. Focusing on Yoongi discovering Jumie in the teacher’s lounge isn’t a good event to focus on because of how late the event occurs in the story. Instead, I would suggest that the description focuses on Yoongi’s internal conflict: the girl that he’s had feelings for comes back to Daegu and insists that Yoongi help her befriend the school outcast that he just so happens to hate.

The second underlined portion about idol groups and variety shows seemed a bit unnecessary to me because it had little to do with the story. In hindsight, it makes me question why the haunted house is so unsafe when they have such high-profile customers stopping by so often, but I’ll talk more about that in the plot section of this review.

The third underlined part was confusing to me: how are people that are running away from her thrown at her?

I was also slightly deterred by the character profiles included in the foreword. All the information in the profiles was made clear by the end of the second chapter of the story, so I was not too supportive of the information being told in the foreword as well. When writing, I think it’s always better to show readers information instead of just listing traits directly. The indirect characterization in the introductory chapters was pretty straightforward, so listing traits directly is something I would suggest the omission of.

Plot 
While I felt that the general idea of the story was a unique one, the overall execution of the plot’s fluidity and believability made the story less enjoyable than it could have been. It was difficult for me to understand the order of events as they occurred and there were many sudden time shifts that I found hampered character development. This, combined with the details of the story, made a majority of the plot unbelievable to me.

There were two very notable moments within the plot that made me realize that I had no sense of time within the story. The first was when Chanmi tells Yoongi that the latter should be nicer to Jumie because the former had befriended her. Prior to this point in the story, the readers are only exposed to a single conversation between the two women (when Chanmi first transfers to Daegu High). Saying that they’ve become close was a description that seemed to come out of nowhere because we never get to see the two interact. Seeing interactions between the two could have strengthened their individual characters—which is especially important since they’re both OCs—and their relationship.

The other moment in the story that confused me was in Chapter Eight when it says that “[Jumie] has just finished her last paper of exam.” The meaning of these words isn’t really clear here, since it could either mean that she’s finished writing her last paper for exams or that she simply finished an exam. Exams weeks usually refer to midterms or finals, and both seemed a little odd to me since Chanmi had just transferred to the school at the end of the fifth chapter. Then in Chapter Nine, it’s stated that Jumie’s gotten into “the worst fight with her grandmother a few weeks ago… about her dropping grades.” In the span of half a chapter, weeks have gone by and an important plot point seems to have happened that readers only hear about in passing.

By introducing a sense of time into the story, it’ll make the events easier to follow along and readers will be more inclined to relate to the characters of the story.

The beginning emphasis on the jacket incident struck me as particularly odd, partially because it’s the first scene we get in the story and partially because I couldn’t rationalize why the scene is so memorable and jarring for Jumie. I’ll talk about the contradicting characterization this scene offers readers in the next section of the review, but the essence of it is that after two years, Jumie is described as being “disturbed” at the incidence—which doesn’t really make sense to me. From what I can understand, she’s crying on a train, someone throws a jacket to her and leaves. If she’s so upset, then the jacket incident should just be a weird incident tacked onto whatever her bad experience that day was; it shouldn’t become the main event unless more emphasis was placed on it. Either way, the transition from publicly sobbing to chasing after a guy seemed unrealistic since Jumie doesn’t seem angry at anything, but rather, just sad. Chasing after someone is something that kind of goes with the former, so this seemed odd to me.

Revealing Yoongi as the jacket guy at the end of Chapter Ten wasn't exactly shocking, but I had hoped that it would lead to a series of more interesting events in the next chapters. When I began to look through Chapter Eleven though, there was no expansion on this plot point and it left me slightly disappointed since there was such emphasis on the incident.

Other little incidents that bothered me were Yoongi bringing a CD with him to a haunted house (why would anyone bring something so important to him to a place where it definitely wouldn't be used?), Namjoon screaming at Jumie when he sees her crying in Chapter Eight (I honestly don't understand why this would elicit such a reaction), Yoongi still not knowing Jumie’s name in Chapter Seven even though they had spoken multiple times since then, and Chanmi had said her name specifically right before Yoongi calls Jumie incorrectly, and Jumie successfully breaking into the school records in the dead of night.

The first issue can be fixed by putting yourself in Yoongi’s shoes: if music was really important to you, why would you bring one of your prized possessions into a place where you would be running around? Why wouldn't you leave it in the car or just at home? If this was an attempt to emphasize that Yoongi is always thinking about music in his free time, having him bring in a notepad for writing lyrics would be enough and would be slightly more realistic.

I think that when Namjoon screams in Chapter Eight, it's supposed to be because he's frightened at what Jumie looks like when she cries with the makeup running down her face. The reason why it comes off as odd though is because there's minimal description about what Jumie looks like when she's crying (just the brief mention that her makeup is running), so the connection between her tears and his fear/surprise isn't very strong. I would suggest going into more detailed imagery here so that the audience doesn't get lost.

The relationship development between Jumie and Yoongi is inconsistent and not thoroughly explained, so it's difficult to really apply logic to it at this point; rather than the characters feeling like real people, they seem more like puppets who are playing their role in a stage production.

School records are kept under tight lock and key, so it seemed highly unrealistic that Jumie would be able to sneak in without getting caught. There's a guard outside, and as far as the readers know, she has no sort of experience with breaking and entering. The event felt like it only occurred for the sake of plot development and wasn't believable in the slightest. And if Yoongi’s mother is asking him to take someone home, then why is he even at the school so late in the first place?

What bothered me the most about the story was the trouble that Jumie got in for being scary, which happens multiple times during the story’s duration. Jumie works at a haunted house attraction, so she is literally paid to scare people. From what I understand in Chapter Four, the uproar is because Jimin fell and hurt himself, but at that point, Jumie isn't who would be blamed, it would be the people who produced the set. I used to work alongside Halloween Horror Nights designers when volunteering, and it’s always emphasized that there should be nothing sharp in the area so that incidents can be prevented. If this is emphasized so thoroughly when sets are being created for a neighborhood production, then I'm absolutely positive that the emphasis would be stronger at the professional level when celebrities are constantly traveling to go to this attraction. In fact, at haunted houses like this, it's more frequent that the actors get injured because some people reflexively hit whatever pops out at them to scare them.

At the same time, Yoongi completely overreacts to the injury. Since Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jimin had a bet going on, it would make more sense that the initial reaction to Jimin’s scream would be Yoongi and Namjoon cheering because they get free dinner. Haunted houses are dark, so they wouldn't know right away that Jimin is hurt, meaning that the anger would come later.

So what I'm trying to say is: Jumie getting threatened to lose her job really doesn't make any sense since she's actually doing her job exceptionally well and it doesn't make sense for people to go to a haunted house and then complain to the manager that someone is being “too scary.”

While the premise of the plot is interesting (Yoongi hating the main character and only interacting with her at first because the girl he likes tells him to), the overall execution was weaker because it lacked believable flow of the story. Events were happening here and there, but few were tied together adequately and the piece didn’t feel cohesive enough. This story was marked in the request form to be horror/comedy, but, unfortunately, I didn't really feel like that genre mix was conveyed enough. An example of a horror/comedy would be Seth Rogen’s This Is the End in which an apocalypse is occurring (horror) and the characters react badly to it (comedy). The only aspect of horror in this fic is that it has to do with Jumie’s job, and Jumie’s job isn’t really central to the plot. In my opinion, a better genre to put this story into would be high school romcom.

Characterization
The characters were difficult to find realistic because of their weak development. While Jumie, Yoongi, and Chanmi each had certain traits that would’ve made them interesting characters, these traits weren’t expanded on as much as they could’ve been to maximize individuality.

I’ll first start with the side characters: Jungkook, Namjoon, Jimin, and—since she wasn’t as prominent in the story as I thought she would be—Chanmi. Introducing Jungkook as the fourteen-year-old manager of an entire house was quite unrealistic. He’s supposedly the temporary supervisor while his uncle is away, but it’s difficult to buy into this when he’s shown to be a very immature character (for example, giggling in excitement when he tells them that he’s in charge while his uncle is away). While this may have been done for comedic effect, it’s possible to mix both humor and realism within the situation; for example, emphasizing Jungkook’s youthful features while making him have a stern or intimidating personality would be funny just because it’s so unexpected. If his character comes off as a realistic one, it masks the idea that he’s only included in this role as a BTS cameo.

Namjoon and Jimin serve as Yoongi’s closest friends within the school, but unfortunately, I felt that they were each kind of flat. They both fit into the roles of playful troublemaker and innocent maknae, respectively. While it’s perfectly fine to base minor characters off of stock characters, it’s important to also give them some traits to make them more unique to your story and further their development. By the time I reached the tenth chapter of the story, it was difficult for me to understand their purpose within the plot: all they really do is drag Yoongi to the haunted house at the very beginning of the story. However, since this is their only real contribution to the plot, they could easily be written out if it’s instead stated that Yoongi had to go for some assignment as school president (for example, the school could be getting ready to produce their own haunted house as a fundraiser, and he’s on the committee to help develop ideas). When a named characters is introduced into a story, it’s important that their presence is inexcusable—that the story can’t really occur without them there. There aren’t many characters within this story, so I think that taking some time to develop Namjoon and Jimin’s characters more will allow them to hold more weight within the story.

Although Chanmi was introduced later than the other characters, her purpose in the story is a lot more clear-cut in comparison to Namjoon and Jimin: Yoongi used to have feelings for her and admits that the feelings could come back at any moment, and Chanmi is ultimately the one responsible for Yoongi and Jumie trying to get on friendlier terms. However, this idea isn’t really expanded upon; it was like she was introduced for the single purpose of bringing Yoongi and Jumie closer together. Outside of that, she doesn’t receive any development at all. A big example of this is at the end of Chapter Eight, when it’s stated that Jumie and Chanmi have grown close. There was no build-up to this since the readers only witness one conversation between the girls (when Chanmi is first introducing herself as a new student). Rather than just saying that Jumie and Chanmi have grown close, it would be better to show readers that they’ve truly befriended one another by describing scenes of the two talking or hanging out. Scenes like this contribute to character development by making the relationships between characters feel more real and lifelike, which is super important for any story.

I’ll move on to the main characters now, starting with Yoongi. Since he’s the male lead, it’s crucial that he has a three-dimensional personality that readers can develop an opinion on. When I was reading this story, I got that he was really uptight, and constantly angry, but a very responsible student council representative who likes music. There wasn’t really anything else to him other than that, unfortunately making him feel like a boring love interest. Adding something unique to his character (like a quirk, or a surprising past) will make him more exciting to read about and propel the readers through the story. Introducing Chanmi as the girl that Yoongi used to be in love with had a lot of potential, because developing this sort of relationship would allow readers to see the “other” side of Yoongi: when he is around someone that he genuinely cares about and wants to impress. Developing this relationship would also develop Chanmi’s character while simultaneously adding more drama to the plot in the development of Yoongi and Jumie’s relationship.

Jumie’s character kind of confused me since there were a lot of contradicting descriptions regarding her character. In the author’s note at the end of Chapter Six, you say, “She’s not really a shy or quiet kind of girl. More like the strange girl who didn’t choose to be antisocial.” I wouldn’t have realized that this was how she was supposed to be portrayed if you hadn’t said this, which means that there’s a disconnect between your intentions as an author and the perceptions of your audience.

The first chapter alone, had some descriptions I found confusing about her character. In the first two paragraphs of the story, Jumie goes from crying uncontrollably to being terrified, to being annoyed, and then to chasing after someone. All of these changes occurred in only four sentences, leaving no room for transition between these different states. Later in the chapter, it’s stated that “she admitted that she looked ghostlike horrible,” but that she thinks it’s cool and can’t stop giggling about how much she’s impressed herself. This was strange to me, especially as I continued reading the story, since it contradicts the idea that Jumie has low self-confidence (as she can’t stand up for herself and can barely form sentences when speaking to others because of how nervous she gets). The first chapter alone, had some descriptions I found confusing about her character. In the first two paragraphs of the story, Jumie goes from crying uncontrollably to being terrified, to being annoyed, and then to chasing after someone. All of these changes occurred in only four sentences, leaving no room for transition between these different states. Later in the chapter, it’s stated that “she admitted that she looked ghostlike horrible,” but that she thinks it’s cool and can’t stop giggling about how much she’s impressed herself. This was strange to me, especially as I continued reading the story, since it contradicts the idea that Jumie has low self-confidence (as she can’t stand up for herself and can barely form sentences when speaking to others because of how nervous she gets).

All of these different traits don’t really mesh well with each other, making Jumie seem like a Mary Sue: she embraces her uniqueness, gets bullied for it, but doesn’t let the bullies get to her. While these examples make it seem as though Jumie possesses some self-confidence and can rise past the bullying, these aspects of her personality are later contradicted within the story. An example of this is when Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jimin go to the haunted house and she scares them as she “couldn’t deny that she felt content at their suffering, whether it was from fear or irritation. They deserved it.” If she’s saying that the people at her school “deserve” fear, then it’s obvious that she holds some resentment against them, rather than just taking their bullying in stride like she seemed to be doing.

It’s stated that Jumie is bullied because she likes “weird things,” but Yoongi makes a strong point in Chapter Nine when he wonders aloud why she doesn’t pick up on minor details (like who the son of the principal is) to avoid getting herself into more trouble. Her ignorance of information like this sets her up as a typical damsel, especially since she can’t stand up for herself directly. Rather than doing anything to avoid getting bullied, she seems to alternate between taking it in stride and getting “revenge” on her classmates if she sees them at the haunted house. She can’t stand up for herself directly though, is easily intimidated, has difficulties expressing herself, but still has enough self-confidence to look at a mirror and giggle about how good she looks. It’s directly stated that she’s “not shy or quiet” and “didn’t choose to be antisocial,” but she doesn’t really speak unless spoken to—and even then, she wonders if the new person that’s introduced herself is doing so with a double motive.

When all of the traits are put together in a single person, none of it feels cohesive. By no means does an individual have to be a certain “extreme” of a personality, but when you try to blend different character traits, it’s important that you do so in a natural way that allows the reader to breathe alongside the individual instead of feeling like they’re being suffocated by them.

Overall, I felt that the relationship development between the characters could have been elaborated on in order to make the characters feel more three-dimensional. I think that by developing Jumie and Yoongi’s friendships with Chanmi, the story as a whole will feel more cohesive and lifelike.  

Grammar
I noticed a lot of grammar mistakes within the story in terms of word usage (singular vs. plural, tenses, incorrect definitions) and punctuation that I’ll point out here. Examples alone aren’t enough to fully explain the mechanics of the English language though, so I’ll also added some links to a few guides that you can read and use to improve. Grammar can be confusing sometimes, but with time, you’ll definitely get the hang of it!

Most of the examples that I’ll be using are from Chapter One, so a quick ctrl+f search will allow you to see the full context of each quote that I’m pulling.

Before I begin, I just wanted to point out a minor correction that needs to be made in Chapter Eight: major works (movies, novels, tv series, etc.) should always be either underlined or italicized without quotation marks. This means that it should be We Got Married! rather than We Got Married.

Singular vs. Plural Nouns

Nouns (persons, places, things, ideas) have both singular and plural forms. “Singular” indicates a unit of one, while “plural” indicates a unit of two or more. Here’s a nice video that explains it quite nicely. A nice chart of some of the rules that go along with this can be seen here.

The following are some examples from your story, both before editing and after editing.

The train then sped away, increasing the distance between the two youngster.

“Youngster” is a singular noun, but using the word “two” before it states that there is more than one youngster present. This indicates that the plural form of the noun should be used, rather than the singular.

The train then sped away, increasing the distance between the two youngsters.

Here’s a different example:

After chaining her bicycle under the shades, she headed for the homeroom class…

This example is a bit tougher since there’s no adjective around the noun that specifically states quantity. However, the word “shade” is defined as the “comparative darkness caused by shelter from direct sunlight.” This means that even if there are multiple trees offering shade, collectively they only offer one unit of shade since there is a single patch of darkness.

After chaining her bicycle under the shade, she headed for the homeroom class…

Since there’s only one unit of shade, the singular form of the noun should be used rather than the plural.

Swallowing down her cry of pain, she hopped on one feet and leaned toward the exit…

Similarly to the first example, the preceding adjective for the noun is quantitative, and specifies a single unit rather than multiple units.

Swallowing down her cry of pain, she hopped on one foot and leaned toward the exit…

Tenses

Tenses can be difficult to understand and I think that many writers (including myself) have a little trouble keeping them consistent sometimes. A really nice, basic guide to start with can be found here, Learning to fully understand tenses can take a lot of time, so don’t feel bad if you can’t pick it up right away! Just remember that practice makes perfect.

Propping up on her elbows, she grunted as she felt her back ached from sleeping on the limited space…

This example is a bit tricky since it gets into the more complex nature of tense usage. While one would think at first that “ached” is the correct verb to use here as it is in the past-tense just like the rest of the story, but it is actually the past continuous tense that should be used instead of just simple past-tense.  Past continuous verbs describe continuous action that got interrupted.

Propping up on her elbows, she grunted as she felt her back ache from sleeping on the limited space…

Here’s a different example:

Adding the smudged eyeliner… she wouldn’t be surprised if people start to run away from her…

“Start” is a present-tense word, but the story is told in the past-tense. The corrected version would be here:

Adding the smudged eyeliner… she wouldn’t be surprised if people started to run away from her…

This is a similar example:

The way he threw the ball around and competing against an imaginary opponent was enough to tell her…

The story is told in the past-tense and “competing” is a verb in the present-tense.

The way he threw the ball around and competed against an imaginary opponent was enough to tell her...

Incorrect Word Choice

Unfortunately I won’t be able to link you to any guides on this since the situation changes on a case-by-case basis. My advice would be to look up the definition of words individually if you’re not sure about its correct usage. 

It wasn’t a strange thing because she always found it open early everyday but it had never crossed her mind to take a peek.

The word “everyday” is an adjective meaning daily. An adjective is typically followed by a noun though, and that isn’t the case here, so I assume that you meant to say “every day”. In this case, “every” would be the adjective and “day” would be the noun.

It wasn’t a strange thing because she always found it open every day but it had never crossed her mind to take a peek.

Here’s a different example:

...she wasn’t that excited at being caught by that president with his infamous deadpanned look.

“Deadpanned” is a verb and verbs aren’t typically used to describe nouns. I think that what you’re looking for here is just the word “deadpan,” which can be a noun defined as “a style of comedic delivery in which something humorous is said or done while not exhibiting a change in emotion or facial expression.”

...she wasn’t that excited at being caught by that president with his infamous deadpan.

Here’s a different example:

Namjoon bound to intervene into his business whenever he sensed something wrong…

The way that the word “bound” is being used in this sentence indicates that the adjective form meaning “destined, sure, or certain” is being used here. Since that’s the definition being used, it becomes clear that you’re missing a verb to connect the noun to the adjective. At the same time, the word “intervene” is used in conjunction with the word “in” rather than “into.”

Namjoon was bound to intervene in his business whenever he sensed something wrong…

 

General Punctuation

Here is a pretty comprehensive guide to the different applications of several punctuation marks. While punctuation can sometimes be used to achieve stylistic means, the punctuation errors that I noticed within the story were errors that can be easily fixed when reading a grammar guide as opposed to a style guide. If you choose to look up other guides about punctuation, then I’d like to emphasize the importance of grammar guides as opposed to style guides since a basic foundation is necessary before you try to get fancy with things.

Adding the smudged eyeliner to her natural eyebags and sticky long black hair…

Since multiple adjectives are being used in quick succession to describe a single noun, commas are necessary.

Adding the smudged eyeliner to her natural eyebags and sticky, long, black hair...

A more thorough explanation of this concept can be found here.

The following example was taken from Chapter Three:

The girl; she was working there?

The semicolon isn’t used correctly here, and I think that something like an ellipse would be more appropriate. A good guide on how to use semicolons can be found here.

The girl… she was working there?

Inappropriate run-on sentences and fragments were also prevalent throughout the story, but I believe that reading up on some  grammar guides  will be enough to fix this problem, so I won’t bother pulling out specific examples from the text.

Writing Style
Once you get a better handle on grammar rules, I think that your writing style will improve on its own accord. That being said, I think that it’s more important that you focus on the previous section of this review first rather than the current one when you’re looking to improve yourself as a writer.

In terms of word choice, there were moments when phrases sounded awkward such as “ghostlike horrible” and “ticking Yoongi’s head off” from Chapter One. At the same time, repetitive diction was quite prominent throughout the story, such as when “tear” was used multiple times in the first sentence. When choosing which words to use, it’s important that you consider your target audience; in this case of this “horror/comedy” fic, simpler words should be used since you’re not trying to be scientific or profound. That being said, the word “philtrum” in Chapter Seven felt out of place for that reason.

I also found it weird that you censored yourself anytime a curse word was used? If you’re uncomfortable with cursing, then you don't have to use curse words. Examples of this were “bullsh*t” and “son of a b*tch.” At the same time, I didn’t understand why Chanmi was uncensored for using the ableist slur “retard,” while the other words were starred out.

When writing, consistency is important. The story is written in third-person, so make sure that you keep that constant. Saying things like, “Why, you ask?” changes the perspective to second-person, which should be avoided.

As a side note, there was a random shift in font size in the middle of Chapter Five that may need fixing.

Personal Enjoyment
From what I read, I’m interested to see how the character relationships continue to develop within this story! It looks like your story is still ongoing, so I’m sure that these relationships will become clearer as the story went on.  

Reviewer’s Comments:I think that the foundation of your plot has a lot of potential! Casting Yoongi as a sort of “bad guy” in the sense that he strongly dislikes the main character (who I’m presuming is supposed to be his main love interest) and only really helps her because the girl he has a crush on wants him to. That’s a pretty unique idea that I haven’t really seen on AFF, so I would definitely focus on it!

The permanent copy of your review can be found here: x