The Golden Cliff
Story by aniangel07
Reviewed by aeterniti

Opening: 6/15 (1.5/3 first impressions + 3.5/7 title + 1/5 foreword etc.)
My initial impressions of your title were pretty flat. It was nice and short (with proper capitalization), and while it wasn’t a blatant giveaway, there was no element of intrigue to spark my interest. In the end, it all comes full circle with how you tied it into your story. The obvious relationship is the idea of how the golden cliff was tied to Key’s suicide in the end. It’s a pretty clear connection; however, it doesn't give your title’s connection to the story the significance I think you were aiming for, judging by your end-notes, which I think is due, in part, to the vagueness of the story. When I looked back at the title after finishing the story, I couldn't help but think that the connection was lacking in that aspect.

My main problem with the description was that it did not seem to be an entirely appropriate representation or sneak peek of the story as a whole. The first section of the description mentions gods (note: should be lowercase ‘gods’ instead of ‘Gods’) and half-bloods, which, frankly, had nothing to do with the story, so I saw no reason for them to be included unless you were going for a Muse-inspired approach (but even then, it would be stretching it for this story which only focuses on mythological creatures, namely sirens). I could tell that you were going for a triplet parallel structure to emphasize the setting the story takes place in: one of myths. However, with the existence of sirens already apparent, it came off as repetitive to me. The mention of half-bloods especially sounded irrelevant in the foreword. Perhaps it would have been better to focus more on mythological creatures such as the muses. You mentioned the feud and rivalry between the muses and the sirens at the end of the story. It would help the reader’s understanding more if you placed it in the foreword instead because the rivalry between the two isn't usually common mythological knowledge. It seems to play a role in Key’s actions, so something as relevant as that should replace the empty words in the first paragraph. I think this description space could be used to write something more meaningful and contributive to the plot itself.

The second part of the description solely focuses on the character of Jonghyun, which gave me the impression that he would be playing the role of a main character in this story especially since he was the first one mentioned and it seemed to give insight into his thoughts (which hints towards having Jonghyun’s POV in the story).. But that wasn't the case at all. This part of your description was misleading when Jonghyun doesn't actually play a large role in the story. If you had included some parts in the story about him as a sailor or more about his voyage and how he ended up where he ended up or even about his thoughts on sirens, I would have understood the reasoning behind this paragraph more. But as of now, the emphasis on Jonghyun in the foreword gives a false impression to the reader about his role in the plot.

The last third of the description focuses on Key, and in my opinion, is probably the most relevant and sensible out of all three. Even then, it’s hard to connect some points in this sentence to the story as a whole. I wasn’t quite sure how people not knowing the sirens’ pain had to do with Key’s lack of surprise when he found his new prey. The conjunction of “so,” doesn’t connect cause and effect clauses. The two sentences seem completely unrelated and sound awkward because of the “so.”

There was a disjunction between the opening (what the story seemed to be) and the story itself. One might think from the foreword that Jonghyun would somehow discover the beauty behind the monstrous facade of the sirens because of the last sentence in his paragraph. One might also think that they would learn more about the imprisoned fate of the sirens. The story itself did not highlight either of these, and while I got hints of where you were trying to go with the idea of “breaking fate,” little was said about how the sirens are tormented by their fate (it was in the endnotes, but that doesn’t really count as the story). The description and foreword also contained numerous spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors that detracted from my initial impressions.

Random notes: I wasn’t sure exactly how the specific setting of Italy, not Greece, affected the story. The general setting had nothing to do with the plot, to be honest, and I can’t really remember seeing how the setting of Italy played a significant part in the story aside from you directly telling us in the foreword.

Characterization: 4.5/30 (2.5/10 for Key + 1/8 for Jonghyun + 1/12 for relationships)
When I was first introduced to Key in the first chapter, he starts off as the typical epitome of a siren: he enjoys luring, torturing, and devouring humans, eagerly lying in wait for his next prey. However, there seems to be a sudden change in his character, even before he comes across Jonghyun? After he wakes up that fateful morning, he mentions that “slowly, it hurts,” but this sentence is pretty vague and confusing for his character development. Slowly, what hurt? It seems like an abrupt break in the demeanor of a cold, unfeeling siren you’ve painted so far. He definitely also seems to have an inferiority complex as he undergoes a conflict of his beauty vs. Jonghyun’s. This is pretty much the foundation you built his character upon, but starting with the fifth chapter, the foundation crumbles and Key’s character development dissolves. Initially, he seems to enjoy torturing Jonghyun, launching into gory descriptions of all the horrid things that will happen to Jonghyun. He has a fascination with Jonghyun dying, saying that he wants to “see the light leaving [his] eyes.” He even notes his desire to “crash and break” Jonghyun. But then this sadism morphs into some sort of sick romanticism, with Key seeming to fall in love with his prey.

Will you watch me sleep next to you? Will you look at me then?

I honestly have no idea where this sudden longing for Jonghyun to look at him came from. It’s pretty sudden and out of the blue, especially since he was speaking about Jonghyun’s failing heart the very sentence before. And then suddenly, somewhere along the way, it’s no longer a conflict of who’s more beautiful, but rather, a conflict of whether he should kill Jonghyun or not. Then Key reverts back to his sadistic desire of wanting to provoke a response from Jonghyun.

Tell me. Look at me and tell me. Let me hear your raspy voice, scream it in my face. Let me see your rage, all your anger because I took you. Ripping you out of your life. Letting you die without someone noticing, without someone to be able to bury your body. Let it out. Don't be so calm.

And then, he suddenly shows some semblance of caring for Jonghyun while cursing his own weakness, which I’m guessing is his weakness against the power of fate.

Don't look at me with those eyes. Don't look at me as if was my fault. Don't hate me so much. Don't cry so silently.

So weak, just so weak.

Why do I have to be so weak?

This continues on into the other chapters, with Key be his fate and wanting to prolong Jonghyun's life and go against fate. Although character developments like this could occur, there needs to be more explanation and reasoning so that it makes sense to the readers. Even though this is a fantasy story, it is often useful to see if the situation would make sense to you if you were in your character's shoes, and ask why you would do certain actions or feel certain emotions. 

Before I start talking about Key and Jonghyun’s relationship, I’ll finish off with a few words about Key. He came off as inconsistent and contradictory. While you might have been trying to portray his inner conflict, it came off more as him being wishy-washy. He starts off solid and somewhat basic as a siren, then his character becomes a mix of conflicting attitudes before he emerges as a siren totally transformed—one who chafes against his fate and has fallen into some pale semblance of love. It makes me think of stories where this super badass gangster who enjoys killing people immediately turns into some lovesick man who suddenly stops killing people because he’s fallen in love. Such an abrupt transformation often lacks believability. I don’t consider this character transformation gradual or grounded enough to be called solid character development with foundation, especially without reason.

I had a hard time buying Key’s relationship with Jonghyun because of the abrupt shift in their dynamic. What  makes me confused is what’s so special about Jonghyun that makes him different from all the other prey Key has lured? Why is it he of all people to make Key curse his fate? Throughout the course of the story, I never picked up on what sets apart Jonghyun from the others before and why he had such a massive impact on Key. Was it just because he was pretty? 

Because I can't. I can't pretend to not feel this emptiness any longer.

What is it about Jonghyun that makes him different from all of Key's other prey that is able to make Key feel this emptiness that he's never felt before? 

The lack of a basis in their relationship (not necessarily one of love, I would say, but a type of character relationship none the less) made Key's actions because of Jonghyun seem unreasonable and less impactful. On Jonghyun's side, it's a bit unclear how he feels about Key. You hint that he feels pity for Key—perhaps for being bound to his fate—but my question is: why does he not have any anger towards Key or even some desire to survive? He pretty much just lies on the cliff and looks at Key. I have a hard time believing that he just takes this all in stride like it's an ordinary day or situation to be in. Overall, the relationship betwee the two came off as weak to me because everything seemed rushed without having been built on any proper foundation. Having a solid character relationship is important especially considering Key's actions in the ending. If the relationship is properly developed and fleshed out with some reasoning behind it, his ending actions would seem so much more impactful and leave a deeper impression on the reader, which I felt was missing after I finished the story.

Continuing on with Jonghyun’s characterization, I barely sensed any character from Jonghyun. As I was reading your story, I kept wondering when Jonghyun would make an actual appearance as a main character; however, in the end, all Jonghyun pretty much did was lie on the cliff and then die. The way you built your story up in the description made it seem like Jonghyun would actually get a story here as a young seafarer encountering the deadly beauty of a siren for the first time, but instead, he was just a very flat character. 

I can only watch you slipping away, out of my hold. Fate ripping you out of my sight and doing it's job. And I can do nothing, nothing as I'm only a standby. Not able to see my own fate. But you can see it, right? You can see this monster in front of you, watching it with pity in your eyes. Because I can't see. I can't see my pitiful fate.

This is probably the only interesting part about Jonghyun’s character that I noticed, but it doesn’t go very far because Jonghyun’s moment is already over. It seems like you’re trying to make him into something more by noting how he can see Key’s fate and pities him for it, but it still falls short because since he has no character; the reader can’t begin to fathom what Jonghyun might be thinking (or why it even matters). I think a major reason for the poor characterization is because of the vagueness and rushed pacing, which I’ll talk about in the next section.

Plot: 8/27 (7/22 for plot + 1/5 for flow)
The premise of the story was pretty unique which caught my eye. Greek mythology is rare to find on this site, and especially a story based on sirens. But besides that, the chronological order of events was a bit confusing due to the verb tenses (mentioned later in the grammar section) so it’s a bit unclear whether the first chapter is Key looking back at events in retrospect when he’s already a cliff or if it’s Key before he’s met Jonghyun. The beginning of the second chapter (“I remember..) seems to suggest the first possibility, but the description of Key’s wings in the first chapter seems to suggest the second. The order of all the events (especially in the beginning) is vague and a confusing so I would also suggest you clarify it.

For the plot, I feel like the biggest issue was the flow of events. I probably mentioned it a bit during the characterization section, but Key’s character development fell victim to rushed pacing. The story’s exposition starts off with Key’s introduction as the typical bloodthirsty and coldhearted siren. There are mentions of a rivalry between the sirens and the muses, which might be the cause of Key’s inferiority complex, but that plot point is left a little loose and seems more like a detail in passing. However, I think that if you’re going to mention it, you should elaborate on it more and incorporate it into your plot better so that it doesn’t stay irrelevant to the story (especially since it concerns an obscure part of Greek mythology). This tiny detail is so miniscule in the story, so it’s easily overlooked and I’m not sure whether it’s supposed to be significant or not (your endnotes seem to hint at a deeper connection between this and Key’s suicide).

The beginning of the story starts off at a reasonable pace as Key catches his prey, but the sudden transition that takes place in his character and between him and Jonghyun seems to happen in a split second. You give neither a subtle explanation for this sudden change nor an indication that perhaps a span of time has passed to make this sudden change more understandable. As a result, the flow of the relationship (and thus, the following events) makes little sense. Why would Key fall so hopelessly in “love” (or some other emotion - it's unclear what you're trying to make their relationship to be) with Jonghyun to the point of suicide? What was the point of his suicide and dragging Jonghyun along too? It seemed like a Romeo-and-Juliet-esque ending with the two ultimately dying together, but 1. the story seemed one-sided since Jonghyun pretty much lay on the cliff and did nothing, and 2. the events were so rushed that it's hard to define their relationship as one of love. The period of time that Key shares with Jonghyun (but not really, since Jonghyun’s in the process of dying and can’t really do anything) makes his death seem slightly questionable and out of the blue. I understand that Jonghyun’s pity for Key being bound to such a lonely fate (again, a bit vague, especially since it’s all from Key’s perspective) made a significant impact on Key, but there is room for many questions. Why does Jonghyun pity him? Why does Key feel that way seeing Jonghyun pity him when he was so content with his life before? What led to this drastic measure? Key’s choice to fling himself from the cliff lacked the impact it should have had because the fast pace of everything made the story vague and spacey.

The sudden transition of Key from a siren to a petrified rock at the ending is also unclear and, honestly, I wouldn’t have known it happened if not for your endnotes. I liked how you left your story’s conclusion open-ended, but the ending paragraphs were just a bit too vague, to the point where I wasn’t quite sure what was supposed to have happened. Before the endnotes, I had no idea that sirens became petrified rocks when they died, since it isn't really common knowledge. For all I knew, I thought that Key went back to perching with his siblings, waiting for his next prey. Except he didn’t. Endnotes are great; I like writing them after I complete a story so that I can voice my own thoughts about the story. However, make sure you don’t rely on them too much. They work for further clarification, but they shouldn’t replace the actual storytelling. The story itself should be clear enough or have enough hints so that the reader might be able to piece it together himself/herself. I think the ending has potential to be a lot more impactful than it is now. Now, the of the story feels like it’s just slowly petering out, and it lacks dynamic.

There is one line in the beginning in which it seems like Key is looking back to the event (so it seems like the story is being told from his point of view when he’s a cliff) and he claims to regret his actions. But why? How so? This is another loose end in the story. Having too many loose and vague ends can distract the reader from what you really want to convey. It also gives off the feel of messy plot execution, so I would advise that you either cut these loose ends out entirely or elaborate and develop them fully. I felt like seven short chapters were just not enough for you to properly play everything out in your plot, which resulted in a lot of ambiguity, rushed character development and flow, and loose ends. I would suggest that in the future, you carefully plan out every aspect of your plot, charting out the events in the story. That way, you can gauge the length your story should be, and from there, you should be able to ascertain the pace of events.

Grammar: 2/15
Throughout the story, I kept finding numerous grammatical errors that disrupted the flow of the words. If English is not your first language, I would suggest maybe having a native English-speaking friend or a beta-reader proofread your story to finetune the grammar. I noticed that there was a lot of trouble concerning verbs and their tenses. In addition to this, there were some spelling errors that you could check by proofreading or by using spellcheck.

I want to focus mainly on the issue of verb tenses because it detracted a lot from the story and added confusion to the plot. First, you need to decide what main tense you want the story to be in. That way, you can determine the tenses of flashbacks and other components relative to the main tense. For example, if you want to write in the present tense, the flashbacks will be in the past tense. If you write in the past tense, the flashbacks would be in the pluperfect tense (had verb-ed).

You start the first chapter off in present tense, with Key talking mostly about his majestic appearance and his sadistic tendencies. However, in your second chapter, you begin with this line, while still in present tense:

I remember clearly that day. The day I met... him. Remembering it now, I wished I wouldn’t have listened to my instinct back than. But what choice did I have? What would have changed? Nothing. One day I would probably feel the same as I do now. My story would end the same.

Now, this is fine and all, and one would logically assume that the actual meat of the story will be told as a flashback since Key “remembers” that day. This also causes readers to assume that the first chapter takes place after Key becomes a cliff, which also doesn’t make complete sense because if he’s petrified rock, how can he fly and delight in killing prey after his encounter with Jonghyun? Even if he regrets his decisions on that day, how does that play into Key’s introduction in the first chapter?

So let's say that the actual story is told as a flashback. Then everything would be in past tense, which you started off with:

It was summer, my favorite season. I love it, because everything seemed so much more lively. Including my sisters and brothers. Humans would cross our ways again, we could hunt again. We can feel it in our bones, the huge need to see them die in front of us, the need to sing our songs to them, lure them to us, killing them. Slowly, it would happen. Slowly, our hunger would be satisfied.

Slowly, it hurt...

I woke up this morning like everyone did. Opening my eyes slowly to greet the blinding morning sun. Its rays my still sleeping wings that looked so much like them. They were shining in happiness for the first time since winter and spring said goodbye. And I knew it was time again. Even they knew it was time again to lift up into salty air.

So I did just that, listening to my instincts to fly. Spreading feathered gold, breathing deep, eyes closed. I enjoyed the weather, the calm movements of the meadows colorful flowers and green grass at my feet before I jump.

For the most part, the following paragraphs are in past tense, except for a few slip-ups here and there (“I loved it….we felt it in our bones”). But then you start mixing in the present tense along with it (“They crack as I land, claws breaking their weak form.”) This makes the reader unsure if Key is experiencing the event in the present or reminiscing about it. You constantly switch between the two tenses, not only making it hard to read but also confusing. I suggest that you take a step back and think about how you want your story to play out chronologically and then choosing the tense according to that. I can’t offer any concrete corrections myself since I’m unsure of how you planned your events chronologically.

This issue of the verb tenses is extremely important especially since your fluctuating verb tenses detract from your story and plot as a whole. Here are a bunch of really helpful links that might offer more in-depth insight for you. one, two, three, four, five

In addition to that, there were other grammar mistakes (I’ll only point out a few, so it won’t be entirely comprehensive. I advise getting a beta reader or a friend to proofread).

Unpredictable and dangerous like the depth of this lethal waters.
Unpredictable and dangerous like the depths of these lethal waters.

“This” needs to match in number with what it’s modifying: waters. So you would use the plural form “these” instead. I also changed "depth" to "depths," which is the conventional idiomatic expression.

His screaming voice like raging wind.
You will rot away like carcass.

These sentences are both examples of when you omit an article, making the sentence sound bumpy. The articles are necessary to denote the noun as a separate entity. Here and here are some articles explaining more about the importance of articles.

His screaming voice like the raging wind.
You will rot away like a carcass.

But I can still see one men, he seemed so strong.

You make this mistake later on as well, but again, the modifier (one) must match the noun (man). Since “one” calls for a singular noun, it would be

But I can still see one man, who seemed so strong.

I also rewrote the comma splice (which I noticed a lot of in your writing) because this. It just looks a bit sloppy.

There is no way for you out, I almost reached your helpless body.
There is no way out for you. By now, I have almost reached your helpless body.

Same thing about the comma splice here. I added the phrase “by now” because the connection between the two thoughts/ideas here aren’t really related, and thus, seem weird when put together. This also changes the tense of the verb to the present participle (includes “have”) since the preceding sentence is also in the present tense. The sentence also contains some awkward wording that can be remedied by merely switching around the arrangement of the words.

I feel the need, I must have you.
I feel the need -- I must have you.
OR I feel the need; I must have you.

You have two options here (the first one is plausible since the two ideas of “need” and “I must have you” are connected) instead of joining two main clauses with a comma.

So many word, but no word left my lips,.
So many words, but no words left my lips.

Watch out for the punctuation at the end; don’t make it look messy. And again, since “many” is plural and calls for a plural noun, it should be “words” instead.

Falling asleep to calm ocean waves as we can see the light reaching the islands stony cliff.
Falling asleep to calm ocean waves as the light reaches the island’s stony cliff.

Don’t forget the importance of punctuation in grammar! Also, the wordiness of the second clause (“as we can see…”) can be reworded more concisely while also cutting out the pronoun of “we.”

Keeping eyes save from blinding sunrays.
Keeping eyes safe from blinding sunrays.

Either a spelling error or a verb usage error. Be careful.

Writing Style: 2/20 
I refrained from touching on fragments in the grammar section because I felt like it might be better addressed here. From what I could see, fragments play a huge part in your writing style. I have absolutely nothing against the use of fragments in order to emphasize certain ideas or to mimic a character’s mental state and thought process. I myself have broken certain grammatical conventions in my own writing style for this reason. However, it got to a point in your writing where I felt put off by the copious amounts of fragments. Every other sentence was one, and I wasn’t sure anymore if you were doing it intentionally or you genuinely didn’t know.

Because we are unique creatures. A mix of a bird and a human. Seductive, with a beautiful voice. Promising to many. Feared by everyone.

Every sentence in this line alone was a fragment. The abundance of fragments did more harm than good to your writing, so I can’t say that it added any rhetorical significance to the work. Overused fragments can quickly lose their impact.The fragments you used were especially short, making the whole writing sound stilted and choppy. There was no natural flow as I was reading due to the brevity of the sentences. Here’s a model of your sentence structure for a better idea.

Sally was a girl. A short one. With blond hair. And blue eyes.

This fragments are all modifying one thing: Sally. Therefore, it’s easily remedied if you put all the modifiers in one sentence.

Sally was a short girl with blond hair and blue eyes.

There are no intermittent pauses and short stops with the elimination of the fragments. Returning to your original writing, here’s a suggestion:

Because we are unique creatures, a mix of bird and human with an alluring, beautiful voice -- promising to many, but feared by everyone.

Here, I reduced the line to one fragment (it could even been a complete sentence as well, but I kept the “because” for the sake of parallelism in the line before) as well as eliminated the choppiness of the short fragments. They all modify the sirens, so by putting them together, I’m able to form a naturally flowing sentence, reduce my use of fragments (that way, when you do use a fragment, it has more impact), and also include a variety of sentence structure and length. By writing a cumulative sentence where all the details stack upon one another as they modify the beginning subject of “unique creatures,” I’m also able to choose the order of the details. By keeping the “promising to many, but feared by everyone” at the very end, I can add extra emphasis and draw more attention to a certain part of the sentence (usually the end in a cumulative sentence). There are many different ways to craft your sentences, and the variety of structures will make for a more sophisticated, yet natural read.

I was not mistaken as soon he opened his eyes. It was already afternoon, the sun stood high, its rays burning his already sun kissed skin. But you are still so far away.

Also, be careful not to suddenly and randomly switch point-of-view in the same paragraph and in the story. If Jonghyun is referred to in the third person (since we’re in Key’s point-of-view). I noticed that you tended to switch between second person pronouns (you) and third person pronouns (he), which can sound a bit confusing as to who Key is addressing. Is he addressing the reader directly? Or is he merely retelling events from his own perspective? My best advice would be to just decide on who you want Key to be addressing so as to avoid any conflict in Key’s storytelling and awkward transitions.

As for your diction and word choice, I found that you had a tendency to rely on the same standard words throughout, without much variation. There was a lot of repetitive diction close to each other, which may make the word or phrase seem overused. If you feel like you’re using the same word too many times or too close together, then even a quick Google search will help you find some synonyms (or this handy site I like using). Making the effort to add diversity to your vocabulary will help you enhance your writing and spice up the story.

For example, you use the “fly” several times already in the first few chapters. Might I suggest maybe switching out one of them for “soar,” “glide,” or “drift”? Each of the these words work just as well in the same context and take away some of the drab of a common word such as “fly”? This is just one example, but there are many more within the story that you might want to think of substituting with a synonym. I would advise just reading through your own writing and making a list of words you think you’ve used too many times or too close to each other. Repetition of words can also work to stress certain words and ideas (think: anaphora) as well as enforce parallelism. I’ll use an example of good repetition in your story:

They call us alluring.

They call us dangerous.

They call us: Siren.

The repeating phrase of “they call us” reinforces the beginning of each sentence (and works best in triplets) and adds that extra emphasis to the last sentence “They call us sirens” (no need for a colon there since sirens refers to “us”). However, if used too often, just like fragments, it loses its impact, so be prudent when you use these as well. If words are repeated in pairs (“Slowly, it…..slowly, it….), it comes off a bit weaker, since the flow and emphasis just comes naturally on the third line, not the second (in order to establish the pattern of repetition). Just keep this in mind to make sure that you don’t overuse certain words that might have an adverse effect on the reading of the story - you don’t want it to come off as too simplistic.

There was this one line that caught my eye for the awkward wording of the sentence (there were several more scattered throughout, but I’ll just use this as an example).

For long I will enjoy you deeply.

From this sentence, it sounded like you were aiming for a more poetic feel by using a hyperbaton; however, the execution of it resulted in just an awkward sentence. Let’s look at the conventional structure.

I will enjoy you deeply for a long time.

Now as a hyperbaton: For a long time will I (or "I will") enjoy you.

Even here, it sounds a bit bumpy and awkward, so it’s probably not the best sentence to use a hyperbaton on because of the length of the adverbial phrase (“for a long time”). I would also attribute a majority of the discomfort to the lack of the words “a [long] time” in the phrase. An example of a hyperbaton would be “Alone he walked on the cold, lonely roads” instead of the regular “He walked alone on the cold, lonely roads.” Hyperbatons don’t work on every sentence, so it would be best that you carefully read your writing aloud to make sure that there’s no awkward wording or sentences.

A couple more examples:

The desperate need to move, but you can`t.

The lack of parallelism here makes the verb at the end sound out of place.

The desperate need to move, but the inability to.

This sentence is much stronger since the second half of the sentence mirrors the structure in the first half (noun - need, noun - inability). Even then, I would say that this sentence would sound better as a complete one rather than a fragment. Try to limit yourself on how many fragments you use and their proximity to each other.

You will cry for the fun I`m having.

This is more along the lines of an idiomatic expression, but if you just pick apart the sentence slowly, the imagery seems a bit odd. Why would Jonghyun cry for the fun Key’s having? Does he want the same fun that Key’s experiencing. I have a hard time imagining so. The image you were trying to convey didn’t come through completely since I’m not exactly sure whether Jonghyun is crying for something he wants, crying out of pain, or crying because of some other strong emotion.

You will cry as I have my fun.

This is one possible reworking, but again, it all depends on what you’re trying to say. Awkward expressions can make the reader stumble and come between the reader and what you’re trying to say, which is why I would recommend looking for an editor or beta reader.

Sliding through my hands like wispy sand.

“Wispy” isn’t usually an adjective associated with sand, and it’s hard to imagine sand on a beach being “wispy” like cotton candy. The awkward imagery here just doesn’t work.

As one last note on imagery, I found your writing style to be quite sparse. The sentences were very short, with the fragments only offering bits of information here and there sporadically.  A lot of your details revolved around Key’s appearance, but there was very little said about the setting, the atmosphere, even Jonghyun. Adding a bit more vivid imagery with more descriptive sentences would add more “flesh” to the bones of the story. For example, paint the vivid image of a siren in the reader’s head instead of just linking to pictures at the end of the chapter.

As a concluding note about your writing style, I felt like you focused a bit too much on Key’s fantasies of death and the despair in Jonghyun’s eyes and Key’s wish to savor his death, etc. Paired with a copious amount of questions, the writing here seemed almost over-the-top and too dramatic. The attempt at a more poetic and dramatic style seems forced and awkward. After a while, the reader understands Key’s sadistic fantasies and his desire to claw Jonghyun apart, and then the continual focus on these things begins to become dry and too repetitive. We understand what you’re trying to convey in that aspect of Key’s characterization. There seems to be a lack of naturalness what with the fragments, the questions, and the repetitive sadism. I suggest that you branch yourself out a bit more, explore different aspects of your story, and use different sentence structures and lengths to create a more natural-sounding writing style.

Personal Enjoyment: 1/5
Due to the aforementioned factors detailed above, I just couldn’t really feel the story, even though there was a lot of potential. There was also something weird going on with the apostrophes that kept distracting me while I read.

Total Score: 23.5/112 = 21%

Reviewer’s Comments: I apologize for the long delay! I’ve been busy with life, so it took a while to write up the review. Nevertheless, I hope it helps as your first one and provides enough critique and advice. If English isn’t your first language, kudos to you for still writing. If you just keep writing, you’ll definitely see improvement as your writing style matures. So regardless of the score, don’t give up! Practice makes perfect. Feel free to comment if you have any further questions.

 The permanent copy of your review can be found here: x