There I was again. I was in that place again.

It hurts so badly. I feel the burning in my chest. It was eating me up alive. It fills me up and it goes away then it goes back again and the cycle goes on.

There were days I could escape it but there were days it would imprison me in this dark dark place.

I didn’t know if it was bad or evil. All I know is it’s within me.

The skin around my eyes was starting to get irritated from to much rubbing. It would sting so badly but I can’t stop.

I often ask God why I was put here. I try to do no evil and be good but here I am slowly being buried with darkness. Why was I the one being put into this misery?

I would lay in bed at 5 in the morning, looking up the ceiling feeling empty.

There were countless sleepless nights and miserable mornings.

I’m a very very sad girl.

Often times I would just think. Do I cut it horizontally or vertically? Or do I just slash it and see how it goes?

If it’s horizontal then they can stitch it up that was my fear. If it’s vertical then they can’t stitch it up, that’s also my fear.

I close my eyes imagining how it would happen. I figured I’d put make-up and paint my nails, so at least I’d go pretty.

I picture the red scarlet liquid oozing out my pale skin and just imagine if it’ll be painful.

Do I use a knife or a blade? I plan to wear a white dress but I don’t have one.

I’d plan it and plan it but I’d end up just in bed, warm and harmless tracing my wrist with my nails vertically and horizontally.

Then I’d think about what I’ll leave behind but it was only him I could think of.

How would he cope? Will he move on and meet somebody? Do I even leave him a letter or go with his questions unanswered? Will he cry when he finds me?

All my plans were often not done because of him.

I would often ask, what is worth living for? I would like to say none but deep within it says him.

***

I lost.

I stare at that lifeless face in the mirror.

It’s 8 in the morning and my eyes were dark and hollow. I couldn’t sleep again.

He left to get groceries to prepare me a meal but I couldn’t wait. It was too painful. I need to get away.

He knew I was sad but he never knew it all. He wanted to help me but I told him to just stay beside me and that’s help enough but I was dragging him and pulling him to me and I can’t let that happen. I won’t let a man full of life and happiness be pulled in my dark world full of misery any further.

I love him, I do.

I knew this would wound him deep but I can’t anymore. I might look selfish but trust me, I’m being selfless and letting go.

I twist t